View Full Version : Got to visit family but don't want to go
i'm visiting my parents this weekend, it means a long drive (which I'm ok with) but my relationship with my parents hasn't always been good. My family were pretty dysfunctional really but as the dutiful daughter I still play my part. trouble is, seeing my parents is bad enough sometimes but I shall be staying with them 3 nights. I'm not ungrateful for them bringing me up, far from it, but they let me be bullied and emotionally abused by my brothers. So Its very triggering for me being around them & they are hard work to spend time with (particularly after one of my abusive brothers died).
But I shall do everything to stay calm & I can always keep in touch on here if they do my head in.
Plus I am meeting with lovely friends in Sunday so that will break things up for me,
Just felt like sharing as I am about to pack and In all honesty I am lacking enthusiasm. If I "let" myself,l I could quite easily cry. But that isn't going to solve anything. I need to be strong.
What I need right now Is to just get on with it.
I think you need praise for going; a lot wouldn't if they had your reasons not to. Having seen other posts on here, you are VERY good at facing difficult things and you come through having achieved loads, so this will be another one of those experiences. Keep busy, lots of deep breaths and gritted teeth, and when it's over you can feel proud and relieved!
3 nights but most of tomorrow will be spent travelling, Sunday you will be meeting up with friends and I am sure they are really looking forward to seeing you :) so only Monday and back home Tuesday. Doesn't seem so long if you put it like that instead of 3 nights :).
I can understand how difficult the situation is for you though but when you are there just keep reminding yourself how far you have come since then and nothing is going to knock you back again because you won't let it..right? and you are a much stronger person now :)
Ive read your threads about all of this before. V/difficult. Hope it goes ok Hun x:hugs:
Thanku ..... I feel better already... Not least because I feel like I won't be facing this alone. Yeah, lizzie, I am gonna grit my teeth and get on with it. If I didn't make the effort to go sometimes, then I'd end up feeling guilty. Last time I was up there I wasn't on NMP but it's different now. I shall think of it as another little hurdle. I have been through worse eh? I'll definitely be relieved when I've done it.
Annie, I will definitely think of it like that, breaking it down into smaller bits. It a good way of thinking and yes I am stronger now. I "said my bit" to my parents earlier this year & they know where I stand on things relating to my brother. If they keep harping on about him, all I need do is remind them what I said a few months back & ask them to respect my wishes, or shall I say my needs.
And also thanku Col, we haven't said hello for a while.... But u r always kind. How r things with u?
almamatters
25-10-13, 22:13
Hope it goes well for you Tessar. I have to agree with Annie, think of all you have achieved this past year and let it remind you just what you are capable of. :hugs: xxx
Ahhh tessar I've put a thread on general forum myself tonight & like your raises family issues. Fed up. Thinking of u :flowers:
Well, I'm here. So far so good.
bernie1977
26-10-13, 16:37
Glad to hear you got there ok. Wishing you a stress free stay xx
Hope all goes well for you Tessar:hugs::hugs:
AuntieMoosie
26-10-13, 20:52
You CAN do it and you WILL be just fine Tessar hun :yesyes:
Just make sure that you do plenty of your grounding work so as you don't become the frightened and bullied little girl again, remember you're the adult now and no one can push you around or make you do things that you don't want to do.
I'm thinking of you and sending hugs hun :hugs: :bighug1: :hugs: :bighug1: :hugs: :bighug1: :hugs:
Thank you Magic-Auntie-Bernie.... (Awesome combination)
I am staying in adult mode and haven't been dragged into anything, I might be aware of a few things that could have dragged me in but I'm not going there. Nope.
In fact, I feel more grown up here than have ever before. I rang my partner earlier and while I was sitting there, I did feel like the adult I am.
My mother is getting very old now, she isn't In good health (partly why I have visited). That situation has taken some pressure off. Earlier she was reminiscing about when she was young. Way back when I was little, before everything kicked off.... I used to love hearing her talk about her childhood. It was tough but her family were truly close & went through alot together. I was able to sit there and enjoy hearing her talk. She doesn't seem angry at the moment. I feel that moments like that are worth grabbing as over the last few years they have been few and far between.
I was able to draw a real distinction between me now (adult) & the little girl I was when I grew up. Sitting there listening to my mother, she sounded like a child. Like the child she was in the experiences she was describing to me. I sat there reflecting, but as an adult.
Its sad that she is losing her marbles, but good that she isn't angry & even if she is perhaps childlike due to her old age, well at least she sounds happier. She has pain to contend with too so really It's a surprise she isn't grumpy. I so prefer her when she is happy.
Hi Tessar brilliant you sound so confident and like your enjoying your visit so far. One good thing will definatley come out of it, because you'll get the relief knowing that you've been to visit your mum as she's unwell.
Enjoy the rest of your stay, night x
AuntieMoosie
27-10-13, 00:59
You're doing great Tessar :yesyes:
I agree with Col, it will make you feel so much better knowing that you've visited her hun :hugs:
So...... Its My last evening here now. Today seems to have gone on forever but soon enough It'll be 2moro & will be driving home. That will be a relief.
I agree that knowing I have been to see my mother will be good to remember. At some point in the future, if I feel any guilt about not having been up here enough.... Well I didn't move hundreds of miles away, my parents did. I have made the effort even though it never feels worthwhile at the time. Being here is sooooo depressing!
Yesterday morning I did feel a tinge of guilt where my mother is concerned. seeing a human being suffering pain like that is upsetting. I feel sad it is my mother I am seeing crumble physical & mentally in front of me. I know the special relationship we had (when I was a toddler) is gone. At least I can remember those distant memories. I won't ever forget them.
I went off to meet my friends at lunchtime & came back after a lovely meal, feeling happy & content. Valued by my friends.
I am still too innocent, i'd expected my mother still to be in child-like mode but as soon as i got back she struck like a viper, slating me because i wouldnt agree on stuff she was trying to say about my nasty brother. Just like always, she expected me to agree. She was angry again. I really don't like her vicious streak. It's the way she swings from one mode to another so fast. No wonder I was confused as I grew up - all those years thinking I must be doing something wrong. Well I wasn't. And I am doing nothing wrong now. I didn't back down with her. I didn't bother to engage in conversation. It was pointless.
Tonight my father tried to get all competitive with me, telling me I am not fit enough to go for a walk with him. Why on earth would i want to sprung into my mind. So I told him in a very assertive manner "thats crap & nothing to do with my fitness levels. you go faster than me because you're much taller & stronger as a man".
He made some comment about proving myself, so I replied "I don't have to prove myself to anyone, not even myself". I really put him in his place. He has hd that coming for a very, very long time.
Is it any wonder I am so hard in myself about fitness when he has gone on at me like this my whole life? He really is a piece of work. my parents are lucky that I put up with such derogatory treatment from them over the years. My advice to anyone being treated the same is get the hell out of your parents lives (or get them out of yours as much as possible). They won't change. They aren't going to give you the approval you want or need. They'll just continue battering you down, building their own egos at your expense.
All i ever wanted was for us to be a happy, balanced family where we could support and appreciate each other. To love each other for who we are. i know now that isnt going to come from my parents,
instead now i am focusing on family members and friends who can give me those things, and to whom i can reciprocate.
You know what? I have had more genuine feedback & support from my friends on NMP over the last year than I ever have from some of my close family in a lifetime. That's saying something,
People I love you all :wub::grouphug:
Oh, dear. That has brought tears to my eyes. Ooops some of them have escaped.
A couple of days later & I still feel really tired. Mentally and physically. It was alot of driving in just a few days.... and being with my parents is always triggering. But yes I did survive. I am adjusting back to how I would prefer to be, trying not to feel guilty that I dont see them very often. But then I need to remind myself why that is...... and to know that were they more personable towards me, I'd be happy to see more of them.
almamatters
31-10-13, 17:20
Hi I have been following your thread and well done Tessar, it can't have been easy for you, but you have done it. :) x
I missed your post the other night Tessar.
Sometimes we just hope so much for there to be a change in a person but it doesn't happen. It is good that you have the memories of a happier time when you were a toddler. Hang on to those memories. You may not feel loved by your parents now and that must be a very hard thing to accept but you know what you are really loved by your friends, partner and other family members so focus on that. Knowing that others have this love for you will show you that it has never been you that was in the wrong, it was your parents. maybe we will never know the reasons for this coldness from them. Draw from the warmth of those who do love you.
I am pleased you stood up to your father and didn't let him undermine you. You don't have to prove anything to anyone because those who love and care for you would never need or expect you to do that. We just love you as you are...a lovely, caring person.
Do not feel any guilt, you have suffered so much hurt in the past and you are not going to feel hurt or guilty about this. YOU are the one who is important now. You have struggled with your happiness because of things that have happened in your family now is the time to focus on you and learn to appreciate that people really do care a lot about. :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:
Bless you Tessar, I have had similar issue with my parents. They're ok at arms length particular my mother. We seem on the surface ie, on phone like we get on ha ha ha, biggest joke it's all very superficial & everyday chit chat & it can easily go very very very wrong! She's been wicked at times with NO excuses. This is a women that still tries it on after years of crap & still expects 100% loyalty! She can F*** off she tried to take control over my daughter she named her, she slammed my hubby for years & how he'll treat me like my dad treat her & I'll have a dogs life! Really, married for 8 year together for 13! Yep & she was a primary player in us not having a proper wedding! I was robbed of that, also! She got it wrong not me! My brother doesn't have anything at all to do with her, for what she did to me as a young 20 yr old & other things! I do not get pleasure out of that at all I've have several rows with my dad and bro about completely shutting her out - SHE even doubted my efforts at times?
Even today, she doesn't ask about my hubby unless I ask about her partner, whom she cares about that much, she nearly had an affair withs boss! Last year, she secretively met with herartners boss & what stopped that evolving was she realised shed be some sort of mistress & would never leave his wife if it came to that! Oh yes and disgracefully told me about about all this!
No shame, no morals, I'm NOT perfect but there's lines and fire you certainly don't cross OR play with - family or not!
Tessar go home, forget & live your life to the fullest! Be selfish as I am, she does still wind me up BUT I Know when to keep my distance & not bother.
Takecare :hugs:
Waaaah thank u everyone, I appreciate your input, I really do.
Alma, I feel honoured that u've been following my thread and thank u. It wasn't easy but it made a huge difference knowing I could offload here.
Annie, thanku for your words..... U r kind and have summed up really well how I need to think about this whole thing. I kinda know what to think & do but it's always good to hear someone else say it.
And Col, I love your fighting spirit. It reminds me of how I got this far and survived all that crap.
So........... a few days down the line and I have chilled a bit. Yesterday I could feel a definite improvement. I didn't feel as tired or irritated by this whole thing.
Upon reflection, something that has come from this visit is that I know just how much I appreciate people. Having a comfortable place to life, a flash car etc etc is obviously satisfying but the one thing I would never be able to live without is other people. People are what's most important to me in life.
It might be that some people in your life don't particularly make you feel good but if you do limit how often you see them (if that is possible) and instead focus on those friends (or family) who do appreciate you, make you feel worthwhile and offer friendship and support back in response to your efforts in relationships, then that makes it worth all the effort. So friends of mine, you are all worth the effort that is for sure. And the kind, loving people in my life (friends and some family) they are definitely worth the effort too.
I just knew that if I went to my parents my mind would end up muddied. Saw my counsellor this morning & she helped me see that it's understandable to feel this way. I feel torn as my mother's not in good health, she's also suffering with dementia; I feel sorry for my father trying to cope. I doubt my mother's going to improve & its not pleasant for either of them. With all that going on, my parents are still terribly negative & both keep chipping away at me. I can see that's not going to change.
On the one hand I feel really sad about that & want to keep ringing them to see if she's ok but when I do they still wind me up. They cant help it, I suppose it's just the way they are. I so much wish it had been different as I know I dont deserve to be treated poorly by them. I am standing up to my father now because I'm not willing to be treated this way. My mother I can make an exception since she is so confused these days.
I looked at photos of my mother from a few years back when she was happier. Its so sad that the situation with my brothers ate into her goodwill & in the last few years one of my brothers caused so much hassle I swear that has pushed my mother to where she is now.
I keep reminding myself of when I did spend happy times with her. In the end I'd like it to be that I feel happy remembering her. I'm determined that the past wont spoil my good memories because no matter what bad might have happened, the good times were good & nothing will change that.
I am not allowing myself to feel any guilt about my mixed feelings; I've always been there for my parents even though it's hampered my well being. This all make me feel very emotional. My counsellor said that anyone would feel upset if their mother was confused & in so much pain. she also reminded me that amidst all this I need to be kind & compationate to myself.
i find it hard to talk to people like friends &colleagues as i worry about getting upset. i'm so daft, on sunday when i'd spoken to my father i felt upset but didnt show it in front of my partner. i felt like i was protecting them but my counsellor said i need comfort. so i guess next time i will just have to let it out..... i am going to learn, really i am. so what if i get upset. it'll probably do me some good (as indeed i say to other people about letting it all out, time to step up & take my own advice).
You are right, you need to let your emotions out especially since you have held them in so much in the past. I am sure your partner would understand in the circumstances. You know what?...you ARE worthy of being comforted and it is good and natural to show emotions. :hugs:
Ahhhhh Tessar. Blumming heck. I totally get your personality and the push pull feelings u get from and around your parents. I don't want to go on about me BUT I've threaded on here as u know very recently any my nice conscientious nature WHILST MY parents have, do and still try it on with me. After all they've done and I'm still very very nice or tolerant, whilst my brother whose in his 20's and much younger than me gets away with being abrupt and to some quite arsey! My mum and bro haven't spoken for 8 years and I get all the agro/tears/ stress about all that still & my dad he will try it on with my brother but..... Knows for his own sake to back off after a while as he's frightend ( no matter how bullish and arrogant my dad is) that he will do with him as my bros done with mum and completely cut him off!
Just too much history, too much being S*** on, to much being conscientious, not wanting to offend them both - I'm done. My dad and mum although NOT together had me in knots last week my baby due they independently fight for involvement or what I call it - butting in & then slag each other off in the meantime. Has your dad been up yet blah blah . Anyway at the minute I've ended up totally distancing myself from the pair. After insomnia down to stressing about them - all last weekend poorly as a result.
Soooooo my dear Tessar your not alone with this catch 22 fight between doing the best for them but knowing, it's sooo long overdue you need to do the best fr U!:hugs:
U did all you could Tessar seriously, you went , you tried, you did your best.
Takecare xxxx
Thanku ladies :-)
Col, that catch22 sucks. it's so needless, particularly in your case as they (your parents) are so busy trying to get one up on each other.... Instead of focusing on what really matters! I don't mind u talking about your experiences at all. That's how we all help each other isn't it? Sharing our troubles. And what do they say "a trouble shared is a trouble halved".
Annie, I have had a couple of blubs 2nite. Must admit, my partner is used to me getting emotional, I've always been like it but I find myself still trying to hide my emotions. it might have protected me to do in my childhood but its a difficult habit to shift. I am still stoic but it doesn't pay in the long run, really it doesn't... u r right. Thanku .... It feels really hard to allow my emotions out. Over the years I've been made to feel as if I wasn't entitled to be upset but I know now that I have every right.
I will remind myself that I'm worthy. Also that people won't laugh at me. My counsellor told me she won't laugh at me. I know that but she's kind for saying it all the same.
Oh what am I like? What are we all like, the big NMP family?
I do laugh at you sometimes...well at your typos anyway :D and when you say things to make me laugh because you are kind like that and like to say things to cheer people up :)
Aha, typo city! I did wonder if there were any typos but didnt have the energy to read it back!!! I wanna know what a log run is? Glad the typos etc make u laugh. I don't mind my friends laughing at me for the right reasons & yeah cheering people up is good. Thanku.
:roflmao: read my typos they are hurrendous , never guess what years ago at 6 th form I did A-level English language & I passed. Think I made that many mistakes the examiner felt sorry for me. Baffles me to this day? My spelling is just shocking I blame predicted text and sell check. Just tooo easy now. :blush:
Some of the typos are hilarious ..... the other night I typed "cock watching" instead of "clock watching" fortunately I realised before I hit reply!!!!
Well folks, things at my parents have gone from bad to worse. My mother is now hospitalised. They've confirmed she's suffering dementia & her health generally is suffering too (she is very frail). My father finally accepts he isnt going to be able to cope with having her back home as she needs constant care. Her mindset is such she could easily wander or get into difficulties even at home. I could see this coming when i visited them a few weeks ago but my father wouldnt talk to me.
I do feel very sad indeed because even though I've had my differences with my parents, the bottom line is they ARE still my parents.
What made spending time with them difficult of late is that they kept having digs at me which reminded me of bad stuff from my past. Well, I have become more assertive with my father & will not accept criticism from him anymore. For my mother I'm hoping she can find some kind of peace within her new surroundings when she gets there. Resultant from that I'm hoping I can also let go of some of the angst from my past. That's all I've ever wanted, to be happy around my parents and for them to be happy.
To let go of some of this would be so good, I know I would feel much better though I do know that comes at a cost. To get to that stage I have to work through some more of the emotions & memories but I can start that when I see my counsellor next week. The timing of that appointment couldnt be better really. I do need to see her, I really do.
I'm sad my mother's health is fading but at the same time I also feel as if release & freedom from the past is going to come my way soon. I know it's not automatic & meanwhile all I can do is try to support my father (from a distance as they live several hours drive away). I know this is going to be difficult for me & will involve emotions, tears & perhaps frustration but you just have to do it dont you?
I am very impressed with you Tessar and proud of your attitude towards all of this. Even though you have been very hurt and suffered a lot in the past you are willing to put this aside and hopefully have some sort of bond with your parents again, even if it is just to offer support via phone.
In your own heart you will know that you have done all that you can and more really under the circumstances. Even if your Father does not accept the support you have no reason at all to feel any sort of guilt as you have done your best and that is more than I would expect you to do. Coming to terms with your past is not easy but you ARE a much stronger person now and you ARE more assertive so stand your ground and don't let any one put you down. Of cause your NMP friends are here to support you and offer a shoulder to cry on when ever you need it. Sending you lots of hugs :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: :bighug::bighug::bighug::bighug::bighug::bighug::b ighug::bighug::bighug::bighug::bighug1::bighug1::b ighug1::bighug1::bighug1::bighug1::bighug1::bighug 1::bighug1::bighug1:
---------- Post added at 13:55 ---------- Previous post was at 13:53 ----------
3 naughty hugs trying to escape!!!
Hi teaser,
Mu MIL has dementia and altzimers . So I sort of understand the guilt and yet relief emotions.
Three years 'the family' struggled. Trying to care for her. A normally placid person, she became both physically and verbally abusive. ,mainly because she was very scared, because she did not know us, and thought we were strangers in her home!!
She was wandering the streets at 5am, boiling dry potatoes on the cooker etc.
Then she got place in a hospital for assessment, then straight into a nursing home, where she is now. She has slowly deteriorated, physically and mentally. She now does not know anyone.
My husband is wracked with guilt that, his mother, should be in a place like that, when she looked after the family all her years with devotion. He works, we don't have the room etc. he logically understands the impossibility, but the guilt is enormous for him.
The relief also makes him guilty.
She has 24 hr care and he knows she is safe.
For you, it should make things easier for your dad too. As you know your mum is being cared for.
Big hugs
---------- Post added at 15:45 ---------- Previous post was at 15:44 ----------
Sorry Tessar. Lol
Oh dally, that's funny as I hadn't noticed the typo "teaser" I chuckled when I spotted it! Thanku for sharing your story with me. I finally got to speak with my father & understand my mother is quite calm & content. He says he explained 2her about going in2 a home & that she is happy with that but I really doubt she understood. I'm glad she isn't frightened.
I am surprised how sad I feel about it as I realised last year that my life-long dream of having a closer relationship with her wasnt going to happen. it was hard letting the dream go but i had to.
The worse the dementia has got, the less angry she has been. It was her bitterness & anger, often directed at me, that drove me away from her. but at times now she is like a child. I almost prefer her the way she is because she isn't picking away at me anymore or constantly reminding me of unhappy times.
It's sad when someone gets so caught up in the down side of life that they become unhappy & bitter. The last 5 yrs she has been particularly so. But now, even tho the "real" her is probably gone at least she seems calmer which makes her more likeable.
---------- Post added at 15:13 ---------- Previous post was at 15:01 ----------
Thanku Annie, your words are very comforting indeed. Putting the hurt aside and trying to bond with my parents again comes with the risk of being hurt again.... But it's a risk worth taking since it means moving forward. I may then be able to leave the crap behind at last. my father seemed more at ease today so hopefully the break from caring for my mother is doing him some good. You never know, perhaps next time I see him, he won't be as belittling towards me (& if he is I know how to deal with it).
All this feels kind of odd really as I feel really very sad at times about what's happening to my mother & have been crying alot today but at the same time part of me is wondering why it matters so much because she never really showed me the love & affection I craved. Perhaps the truth is I did always love her (but not the rejection) and she did (or does) love me but didnt know how to show it.
Hi Tessar
Even as adults, we always carry the child within us.
We, and society expect to have unconditional love from our parents.
But it is not always given.
It is not our fault, and in some cases, it is not our parents fault.
It is however hard to accept.
Hugs
Thanks Dally. I'm still feeling very torn. I totally bottled it when I saw my counsellor this morning. I wanted to talk about special times I remember sharing with my mother. I sort of touched on it but for the first half of my session I felt like I'd reverted into my child mode & it was so hard to kick it. I think I made her feel she had said something that made me go like that but I did explain me shutting off like that is what happens often when I have a chance to 'finally' have meaningful. conversations with people. Trouble is, as soon as I realise I'm going to get emotional I shut off.
I explained this to her & she said it's like I reach an impasse. She's right. That's exactly how it is.
As long as I keep doing that shutting off thing, I'm not getting my needs met. I know it isnt helping but cant seem to stop doing it.
I came from a male orientated family, my mother being the only other female. She was emotional, though much of it was reflected in anger. People tell me you hurt the ones you love & that's why she targetted me. Logically I know that's right. I know she didnt set out to hurt me.
I feel a real need to talk about her but it's so damned emotional to do that.
Plus I feel a bit of a fraud as I've had to avoid contact with my parents as much as possible as they do my head in.
So now I want to talk about the times I shared with my mother that actually were good but that seems hard too.
I wonder if it's hard because it means acknowledging we did have some fun times but it's not so good thinking about them because they were a long time ago & I miss them so much. That I miss her so much too.
It really is an emotional time for you at the moment Tessar as you have been trying to deal with issues from your childhood and now with your Mother ill it is sort of mixing those emotions up. it is like a battle of what was bad and what was good. You don't want to lose those good bits even though they may seem like few, this is making you feel some sort of attachment to your Mother that maybe you didn't really feel you had before.
It probably is best that you do open up to these feelings, sometimes memories of good things help us to cope with things we don't want to miss (I don't know if that makes sense) It is better to be able to cherish memories than feel like there was nothing at all. Maybe you could make a 'good memories' box and every time you remember a happy moment from your childhood you can write it down and put it in the box. This may help you to deal with the 'not so good' better. :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:
harasgenster
04-12-13, 17:15
Hope it goes well for you Tessar, but if I have learned anything from therapy it's that you don't always have to be strong. If you hate seeing your parents, is there any reason to see them? Do they make an effort with you?
I spent a lot of time being the dutiful daughter, but now I have a relationship with my parents on different terms. If they upset me on the phone I will hang up and if they upset me in person, I will leave.
You're not a child anymore, so treat them as you would any other adult. They must treat you with respect. I'm not telling you to disown them by the way! I haven't disowned my parents, and I'm still on good terms with them, I just make it very clear that being overly critical or saying upsetting or disrespectful things to me is not ok.
In my case, I hadn't noticed it at all before therapy (I'd always thought of myself as self-absorbed) but I was letting people get away with things because I was always making excuses for them. It's good to be compassionate and I hope I haven't lost any compassion, but it's also important to notice when things are going too far and you are being bullied.
I really hope your time with them is well spent and that you enjoy it more than you think you're going to!
EDIT: Oops! I didn't notice that this thread was so long and was answering the opening post! I hope this advice is still useful in some form!
Thanku Annie what you say makes sense, it usually does as you have your head screwed on straight! You have read the situation very well, it does feel like a battle.
After so long acknowledging & erradicating bad stuff from my past, I dont think I have thought about the good for some time. I have managed to change my perspective to become more assertive & feel more worthwhile. Perhaps now it would help if I spent time just focusing on good memories instead. I suppose you could go on forever looking at rubbish.
I have let so much anger go this last few months & have realised how I used to feel like something bad lived inside me. That bad was the way my family made me feel about myself. Maybe it's time to let the hurt go & not play the victim anymore. I know I do that, probably because I'm so used to feeling like a victim, I just play the part without thinking about it. It's what I am familiar with.
I do know I need to let go but it isnt easy. Its as if I am somehow I'd be letting myself down - that I'd have to change sides & then people would have got away with treating me badly in the past. I dont think this is an adult perspective.
In fact, thinking about it, they have already got away with it havent they? I cant change that but I can make sure nobody does it again. harasgenster you are right I AM an adult & need to adjust my thinking here.
Annie - You are right about not losing the good bits. I thought about writing a whole load of stuff down about my mother; sticking to facts & focusing on fun bits. when i was little we did enjoy ourselves sometimes. every now & then over the years, we'd escape for a day out together. those days we had fun. i know it went back to crap once we were back home but at least it was something. I do have an attachment to my Mother but it's quite painful to admit it really. It feels really hard to think about those good times because over the last few years there havent been any good times I spent with my parents. But I have been looking at my photos. I do have some good ones of her, ones i have always liked. I took them to my session today but my mind was in self-protection mode & I didnt really open up to my counsellor. I was very disappointed that I couldnt as it had been my intention. I guess we are maybe right at the bottom of the pit here. Touching on what's really been behind my depression over the years. No wonder its hard to talk about.
A 'good memories' box sounds like a good idea. Does it sound crazy that I almost dont want to remember the good times? That doesnt make sense to me but I think it ties in with feeling I'd be letting myself down by giving up the fight.
harasgenster, thank you for your thoughts; they do help & are still very relevant. Your situation sounds very similar to mine. when i saw my parents recently, my father did say something quite disrespectful to me so i put him straight. i'm glad i did as it isnt often i have been strong enough to do that but i am determined now not to let him walk all over me. My mother had 2 better days & one rubbish when I was there. On the rubbish one she chipped away at me all day. I didnt bit though. On the better days she was quite child-like but it was endearing in a way. I have tried to remember that & keep that as my picture of her at the moment instead of the bad tempered one.
So, even though it's hard to do..... I think I need to take an adult standpoint on all this dont I? Also stop being so bloomin' hard on myself as well, just expecting to adjust to something as big as losing your mother to a cruel disease. I havent really faced that truly but I think that is also going on at the moment. My father has lost his wife of over 50 years too. He wont talk about it but I do feel for him. I feel for her too. harasgenster, you sound so like me I believe you will always be a compassionate person. It's in built into your psyche and mine. You wont change in that respect.
It makes a lot of sense to me that you almost don't want to remember the good times. I was a bit like that with my ex husband. The bad and the hurt he caused me seemed more important to me to remember than the few good times. I guess in doing that it only made me feel angry which wasn't doing me much good. I do try to remember some of the good now and sometimes share them with my children as I think it is important that they know that their dad could be good and kind sometimes (even though not very often). It somehow is making me feel better doing that.
I just spoke with my father. He is missing my mother. That's a big thing for him to admit that to me. Perhaps if I ask the right questions, I will get answers. Maybe I'd be able to get him to open up (in his own way and own time)
So, I am starting a new leg to my journey. Having chatted with my father, instead of seeing bad in what he said & interpreting how it adversely affects me..... I can see from his comments 2nite that he does love my mother. You know, I don't think I have ever seen that in him before. It's like he was able to admit it. He didn't flinch. I am quite shocked. I wonder if this has been under my nose all these years but I was too close to it all & fighting my own battle so just didnt notice.
What u said shows so much strength on your part Annie. I think u are great being able to put your children's need first like that.... I guess u all get something out of it that way.
Tessar I think your amazing how you have coped I have no relationship at all with my parents now it's always been a difficult one from when I was a child my dad always looked at me with hate in his eyes he told me a few times aswell that no body wanted me their was 5 of us an I was singled out for this treatment while my mother had spent my life lying an manipulating she's made sure that no of us siblings get on she's caused that much trouble some times when I think about it I cry to no that your own parents don't love you is very hard to be fair my dad did soften with age I've made sure though that I'm the complete opposite with my own kids I love them so much theirs not a thing I wouldn't do for my baby's xx
lisa, it's so cruel for a parent to look at their child with hate in their eyes, let alone to tell them such horrible things as your father said to you. You really deserved better. All of you did.
You're right about knowing your own parents don't love you is very hard. I worked that one out about my father last year. At the time I felt neither of my parents loved me. Right now I think my mother does. A relative told me yesterday that she did love me even tho she didnt show it. Its hard to believe but I think she's right you know. Now do I need to work on it so I truly believe it.
At least your dad softened with age, I guess that's something. You made sure the pattern of cruel behavious was stopped though. It's so good to hear how much you love your children & show it too. I do like to hear lovely things like that, it's heart warming.
i know i need to get my brain off all this crap but it is proving quite difficult. i feel resentful for some reason this afternoon.... cant work it out really. maybe it's just the upheaval. i know there's a happy me in here somewhere & some time soon happy me is going to come out again. meanwhile i do hope my brian (oops brain) doesnt explode
Feeling resentful is just another emotion Tessar and because of the situation at the moment your emotions are all over the place and arguing with each other. I really hope your brain doesn't explode because that would be very messy :)
Thanks Annie, I have managed not to include guilt on my list of emotions because that one would definitely cause my brain to explode. Like u say that wud b messy.
yes...you have no reason at all to feel any guilt so that one is banned! :ban::ban::ban::ban::ban::ban::ban::ban::ban::ban: :ban::ban::ban::ban::ban::ban::ban::ban::ban:
Phew. That's good to hear ..... I can sleep tight tonight,
so where am I at with all this? i've been trying to resolve my feelings towards my mother. there was a time she meant the world to me. she knew all the answers to everything. she made me feel secure. i feel sad that these feelings of security she provided ebbed away as my family imploded over the years.
seemingly my mother may come home again rather than go to a home. you'd think that would be good news. other family have said it is & i wish i could feel the same.
It doesnt feel that way to me. i dont want this to come out wrong or sound really bad, it's hard to explain but I just wish it was all sorted out. if she were in a home i think i could accept that. not knowing what's happening next, i still feel torn & confused. its almost like she keeps disappearing from my life but then coming back. but not as i once knew her.
in some respects if she werent around at all i feel like i could resolve my feelings properly. Ideally i wish she could just be normal again, not angry so much. If i knew when visiting her she'd be calm & not aggresive then i probably would go. maybe i just need to let my feelings come out over the next few weeks & take it from there?
Well, I reckon this is my last post in this thread. It is time to move on, much has happened for me emotionally regarding my family lately but in particular my mother. I need to work on those emotions and rationalise it all. The best way to do that is find a way to deal with the emotions. I downloaded a book some time ago and reading that self-help book is how I'm going to move on. So I shall maybe put up a new thread once I have begun to make progress. Meanwhile I am grateful for everyone's I out here because it has helped me through a very difficult time. Hmmm, tears in eyes. That's because I can feel how good it has been to know there are people out there who have helped me. Means alot, x
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.5 Copyright © 2024 vBulletin Solutions Inc. All rights reserved.