Raw emotions and frustration (uncharacteristic behaviours)

[Rennie1989]

So I'm coming to the end of my CBT sessions. One thing that we discuss a lot was my period of uncharacteristic behaviour. Basically I flew off the handles, I behaved in a way that was not me, I drank to excess, let awful things happen to me, was promiscious and I hurt a lot of people. For somebody who was kind, thoughtful and empathetic it was like a complete personality change. My anxiety got so bad that the thoughts were so loud and abrupt that I thought I was hearing voices. They pushed me to commit suicide three times.

I was in such a dark place, I was alone, killing myself, people were hurting me (I'm talking awful things, which I won't mention for my sake) and I had no idea any of it was even happening. I've just been reading more about it (I know I say not to Google things but I have no idea what or why I went through what I did) and it said that it's often a early warning sign of bipolar or schizophrenia being developed. All I am diagnosed with is GAD so I know I don't have anything else, I would know by now, but nobody knew back then.

So I'm plodding along, ruining my mind and body daily, whilst my friends and family watched on. My parents did nothing (probably because they didn't know what to do) and my friends turned their back on me, one tried to accuse me of stealing after I tried committing suicide (yeah, because I would have found money useful at the time....). Even the events that led to me having uncharacteristic behaviours were ignored, events that would turn somebody without a mental illness into somebody deeply depressed.

I don't know if the feelings are raw but I'm feeling so rubbish right now. I was in such an awful place, I was very unwell and I needed help. I never got it, not until I met my husband who literally saved me life. We're moving back to my hometown in January and I'm looking forward to showing people how much better I am, but I'm scared as to who I'll meet, like somebody I had a one night stand with without being aware of it, bumping into my abusive ex. I've already started messaging people that I hurt to tell them that I'm sorry.

I suppose, all in all, I can't believe that nobody said anything. Nobody asked me if I was OK or if I needed help, nobody noticed I wasn't me and very unwell. These friends, especially, were meant to be close to me but they ignored me. The fact that none of them came to my wedding last month (apart from one, who was a nightmare) probably says it all.

I'm a little angry and frustrated right now and I'm not sure what to do.

[NoPoet]

You're showing courage and strength of character. Apologise to people you actually hurt, but don't apologise too much: it's in the past now and you can't control whether they accept it or not.

Maybe you are coming to terms with things now. You might have felt "out of control" at the time, but you recognise that there is a viewpoint and a set of behaviours that are consistently yours, so now it's about having the courage to live by your beliefs. In the past, you did the best you could in view of what you were going through at the time. Don't get mired in regrets. Life moves forward, you can't change the past, so keep on moving on.

Be loving to the people you love, be kind to people and don't get dragged down to the level of people who cause you trouble. Continue to take ownership as you've shown you can do and remember that you are now in a far better position to life a full and rewarding life. Everyone has got things to atone for, but we can do that by being the best we can be from now on.

[Rennie1989]

Thanks for the message, it was just what I needed. I still feel very much at fault for something I was barely aware of, because I still made those mistakes. But like you said, I have to move on and live my life. My husband tells me how much he sees an improvement and is so proud to see me bloom, I've just got to believe that I am getting better and I will get better because sometimes I don't get give myself enough praise.

[HoneyLove]

Such a lovely message from PsychoPoet, with great advice. It's true that this is all in the past and you need to leave it there and focus on your present and what you'd like in your future. You've already worked so hard to get where you are today, I don't think it would be possible for you to go back to that place, you have too much self awareness now.

As for the people in your life who let you down because they didn't recognise what you were going through and didn't ask if you were OK, well I guess you have to let that go too - but only to a certain extent, that doesn't mean you need to invite them back into your life. Keep positive, loving and helpful people around you instead. Your husband sounds wonderful, what a great influence on your life.

The people who let you down probably didn't have enough insight or experience to recognise what you were going through. I find that most people don't have a good understanding of mental health and blame the person instead of recognising it as illness or a cry for help. They don't have the understanding to see it, and this applies to their own lives too. It's a sad way to be, and honestly I'd rather be anxious than have no self awareness or insight into why people are the way they are.

It's best to just leave those people where they are and focus on making new friends who support you and can meet your level of understanding of the world - does that make sense? Lol.

You can stand tall and be proud of yourself when you move back home, there's nothing to be ashamed of. Look how you've turned your life around, I bet that you've worked harder to have a good life than anyone who judged you in the past. It's natural to worry about how things will be, but just remember too how far you've come, how much you've learned and how strong you are and be gentle with yourself.

Let us know how the transition goes for you :)

[Rennie1989]

Thank you, HoneyLove, great advice.

I'm actually looking forward to moving back, I really want to show people how much of a better person I am, from a Uni drop out to a college student, a drinker to being healthy, and most importantly a 'I don't care' attitude to somebody who is proactive, motivated and determined. I want to walk down the streets and walk through the shops that make me the most anxious, just so I can show people that I'm a better person, and to show myself that I am too.

I'm sorry, it's all very deep, but I see my move in January as, possibly, the final step to my recovery (I think I've been watching too many Life on Mars and Ashes to Ashes episodes) and if I can get through that then nothing can stop me.