Rennie1989
25-10-13, 21:17
So I'm coming to the end of my CBT sessions. One thing that we discuss a lot was my period of uncharacteristic behaviour. Basically I flew off the handles, I behaved in a way that was not me, I drank to excess, let awful things happen to me, was promiscious and I hurt a lot of people. For somebody who was kind, thoughtful and empathetic it was like a complete personality change. My anxiety got so bad that the thoughts were so loud and abrupt that I thought I was hearing voices. They pushed me to commit suicide three times.
I was in such a dark place, I was alone, killing myself, people were hurting me (I'm talking awful things, which I won't mention for my sake) and I had no idea any of it was even happening. I've just been reading more about it (I know I say not to Google things but I have no idea what or why I went through what I did) and it said that it's often a early warning sign of bipolar or schizophrenia being developed. All I am diagnosed with is GAD so I know I don't have anything else, I would know by now, but nobody knew back then.
So I'm plodding along, ruining my mind and body daily, whilst my friends and family watched on. My parents did nothing (probably because they didn't know what to do) and my friends turned their back on me, one tried to accuse me of stealing after I tried committing suicide (yeah, because I would have found money useful at the time....). Even the events that led to me having uncharacteristic behaviours were ignored, events that would turn somebody without a mental illness into somebody deeply depressed.
I don't know if the feelings are raw but I'm feeling so rubbish right now. I was in such an awful place, I was very unwell and I needed help. I never got it, not until I met my husband who literally saved me life. We're moving back to my hometown in January and I'm looking forward to showing people how much better I am, but I'm scared as to who I'll meet, like somebody I had a one night stand with without being aware of it, bumping into my abusive ex. I've already started messaging people that I hurt to tell them that I'm sorry.
I suppose, all in all, I can't believe that nobody said anything. Nobody asked me if I was OK or if I needed help, nobody noticed I wasn't me and very unwell. These friends, especially, were meant to be close to me but they ignored me. The fact that none of them came to my wedding last month (apart from one, who was a nightmare) probably says it all.
I'm a little angry and frustrated right now and I'm not sure what to do.
I was in such a dark place, I was alone, killing myself, people were hurting me (I'm talking awful things, which I won't mention for my sake) and I had no idea any of it was even happening. I've just been reading more about it (I know I say not to Google things but I have no idea what or why I went through what I did) and it said that it's often a early warning sign of bipolar or schizophrenia being developed. All I am diagnosed with is GAD so I know I don't have anything else, I would know by now, but nobody knew back then.
So I'm plodding along, ruining my mind and body daily, whilst my friends and family watched on. My parents did nothing (probably because they didn't know what to do) and my friends turned their back on me, one tried to accuse me of stealing after I tried committing suicide (yeah, because I would have found money useful at the time....). Even the events that led to me having uncharacteristic behaviours were ignored, events that would turn somebody without a mental illness into somebody deeply depressed.
I don't know if the feelings are raw but I'm feeling so rubbish right now. I was in such an awful place, I was very unwell and I needed help. I never got it, not until I met my husband who literally saved me life. We're moving back to my hometown in January and I'm looking forward to showing people how much better I am, but I'm scared as to who I'll meet, like somebody I had a one night stand with without being aware of it, bumping into my abusive ex. I've already started messaging people that I hurt to tell them that I'm sorry.
I suppose, all in all, I can't believe that nobody said anything. Nobody asked me if I was OK or if I needed help, nobody noticed I wasn't me and very unwell. These friends, especially, were meant to be close to me but they ignored me. The fact that none of them came to my wedding last month (apart from one, who was a nightmare) probably says it all.
I'm a little angry and frustrated right now and I'm not sure what to do.