I hate this year

[Round in circles]

This year has officially sucked. I have no help and no hope. I lock myself in my house away from the world. The one person who was helping me, who believed in me, who was my last hope is gone. An amazing lady who I saw for life coaching for the past 4 or 5 years. We grew really close, she said that she'd unofficially adopted me. We even took a plane journey halfway around the world together. She was like the only real mother I've ever had. She always said that we'd stay friends even after I didn't need to come for life coaching anymore.

I loved that lady very much. She got sick for months and died in March. My whole world came crashing down. She was the only person who understood me. Who liked me just as I am. No conditions. No telling me all the things I'm doing wrong that other people won't understand. No making me feel ashamed of who and what I am. I am literally alone without her. She was the only friend I had off the internet. She wasn't supposed to go. Not yet.

There's no way forward without her guidance. My family just acts like my problems don't exist for most part, so no help from them. Not once has any of them sat down and asked how I'm doing. Not once! They can all get stuffed.

And now my Grandma has just died and my fear of death is in overdrive. I didn't need this right now. I know it wasn't unexpected seeing as she was 97, but I really didn't need this right now.

I don't want to be alone forever, but well... Not going outside puts a mighty dent on your social life. It's been so long since I even had a date. A whole other life time. Let's just say it's not just been 1 or 2 years.. Or even 5 or 7.. It was 13 years this year. No one is meant to be alone that long. I'm 36. I really did lose the best years of my life. No job, no relationship. The one friend I have left is thousands of miles away on the other side of a computer screen.

It's not enough. It never was. Everything really, really sucks.

[Annie0904]

I am really sorry to hear that you have lost people so close to you, this must be devastating for you. You know you will always have their memories with you and you have to ask yourself what would they be saying to me now. The lovely lady who was helping you wouldn't want to think you had stopped taking her guidance since she has passed on. Listen to things she told you and think about what she would want you to be doing right now.
It may be an idea to speak to your doctor about how you are feeling too. Maybe grief counselling would be helpful to you? :hugs::hugs::hugs:

[Round in circles]

I asked for counselling about 2 months ago at the NHS mental health review I attended, but all they're willing to offer me is a cpn, which I don't really think would be what I need. My GP suggested one place that sounded perfect. It had both 1 on 1 counselling, along with groups for people with anxiety. When I contacted them for more information, I was told that they don't take on people (like myself) who are on the autistic spectrum. I would have thought that's discrimination, but they were adamant that was their rules on the matter.

I went to see a private counsellor on Monday. It wasn't the same.. I mean I know it was never going to be same but it just didn't feel right. There's one other person I'm going to arrange an initial meeting with also. I'm not sure if either will be a good fit or not. I haven't even figured out how I'm going to pay for it since I'm not working.

I miss J. I miss how genuinely happy she was to see me. I wish our chats when she'd get carried away and our 1 hour session would overrun by 30 mins. I miss that she'd get so angry at the NHS for letting me down and the F word would slip out before clamping her hand to her mouth and exclaiming that she was sorry. I miss so many things. She was one of those people who were truly alive and real. She understood and valued me in a way that my family never have. In their eyes I'm a failure. I'm the family member with the problems no one talks about. The skeleton in the closet.

I'm tired of being made to feel like I have to hide who I am. Made to feel ashamed. J always made me feel that not only was it ok to be the real me, but that it was actually a good thing. I miss her so much. I just want her back. I know.. Not going to happen, but knowing that doesn't seem to make it easier. I miss you J. So very, very much.

[Annie0904]

I am sorry that no one in your family seems to understand you. It was lovely the closeness you had with this lady and I can understand how much you must really miss her. Maybe you could contact Cruse http://www.cruse.org.uk/ Maybe someone there can help you?

[Baggs]

Sorry you're struggling but I have to disagree with something you said - There's no way forward without her guidance. Yes there is, you just have to find it. I wish you all the best.

Baggs

[Sparkle1984]

I'm so sorry to hear that you've lost someone so close to you. I hope you'll be able to find a way forward. If you go to the turn2me.org website you'll be able to sign up for online counseling. As you're unemployed they will probably offer you the counseling for free. I'm currently on the waiting list myself. While you're waiting, there are also daily group support sessions each evening.

I'm on the autistic spectrum too (asperger syndrome) so I can relate to a lot of what you say. Thankfully my family are very supportive of me.

What sort of help are you receiving at the moment? At the review sessions do they just review your meds every few months? It does sound like you need more support than that. :hugs:

[Round in circles]

Thanks very much for the kind words everyone. I really appreciate it. Thanks for the turn2me website info Sparkle. I've never heard of that before but I'll definately look into it. The group support sessions sound interesting.

The review sessions I have with the mental health centre don't really do anything. I'm not on meds. I just turn up, ask for counselling, get fobbed off for 15 minutes then get given another appointment 6-12 months later to do it all again. I personally think these appointments are simply to check I'm not dead yet! Other than the mickey mouse reviews, I get no other support except when mum has free time to help me get food shopping. I pretty much spend all day, every day in the house. Been this way for over a decade. Going to J's appointments was like a ray of light at the end of the week.

You're right Baggs, I do need to find my way forward. I am trying, I just feel that the rut I'm in has been growing into a chasm lately. Some days I just feel so worn out by it all. A couple of years ago I got granted funding for 10 hours a week of support to help me go out more. Unfortunately the council had no money left and I was left on the waiting list until it changed over from direct payments to the new thing. I forget the name.. I've filled in the new form, and am now back playing the waiting game again. It gets a bit soul destroying. I feel like I'm in prison sometimes, seeing everyone else's lives happen while mine stays exactly the same.

Thanks for the link Annie. I didn't have the best of luck when I initially contacted Cruse. I get the feeling that my local branch may be feeling the effects of budget cuts. I got a rather blunt letter in the first month of bereavement that they didn't offer any grief counselling during the initial stage as studies have shown (apparently) that it didn't help. If I'm honest, that letter almost broke me. I was in such a bad way at the time and it felt like the whole bottom fell out my world. I'm not sure I could face going back to them, but thanks very much for taking the time to post the link :)

On a brighter note, I've been tasked with carving a pumpkin to cheer up my niece and nephew who are going to be staying at mum's for Grandma's funeral. I have no clue how to carve one, but it's either up to me or mum, and she's got arthritis in her hands. I don't think that would go so well..

[GBFast]

Likewise, for me, a year that started with a most enjoyable holiday and trying something new has turned into a nightmare of personal anxiety and deep depression, and now other injury/family illness.

I'm not ready to say 'roll-on 2014', but can't wait to see the back of 2013.

[theharvestmouse]

Life is a c4nt, I feel your pain Round in circles.