View Full Version : Anxiety caused by partner's lies
I have been a follower of the forum for the last couple of years but haven't felt the need to post until now. I have been on medication for anxiety/panic attacks for 2 years, and this year I have felt "back to normal" I purchased my first house in July (I am 24) and things couldn't of been better, until Saturday. Sorry that its such a long post but I dont have anyone else I can talk to and dont want to tell family due to the subject.
I borrowed my boyfriends laptop to look for something we wanted to buy and when I opened a new tab it should an email account which I have no knowledge of him having (it was also in a different name), I clicked on it and was shocked to see pages and pages of him buying porn videos, a year ago I had confronted him when I had found payments for large sums of money totaling at least £300 which were sent to "suspicious" email addresses. At the time he convinced me of plausible explanations as to what the payments were but at the back of my mind this still troubled me.
At the start of 2013 we saved up for a house and moved in four months ago and things couldn't have been better. Until I read the emails, showing he had been paying for custom made porn videos. It made me feel physically sick and I couldn't stop shaking. At first I couldn't bare to confront him about it however later in the day I let him know that I knew about it and he begged for me to forgive him.
I felt so humiliated at the thought of having to move back home after only 4 months of buying our house (I can't afford the bills on my own), we had worked so hard to get the house, me and my family have spent months doing the house up.
My anxiety returned at the weekend after having no symptoms all year, I had worked so hard to get myself back up. After all the crying and arguments we tried to talk it over and I felt partly to blame as our sex life was virtually non existent. I agreed that I would try to forgive him as I really don't want to give up on the future I had worked hard to create. He convinced me that it was only a handful of times and that it was a release rather than wanting to cheat. That they were all deleted and wont happen again.
So this morning he went to work and I was feeling positive that we could try and make things work, but then the doubt and anxiety set in and I looked on the email account (the first time I saw it I only read one email as it was enough to make me feel ill)
I thought if I looked through them it would help me realise it was only a few times and that it was nothing personal or cheating. However I saw that he had sent emails to escort agency asking if anyone was free to visit his house on a specified date (not our house this was when he lived with his parents) what made it even worse was the date he sent the emails was days after my grandad had died.
I don't think this can possibly get any worse, I read the emails at lunch and since then i've been shaking and having panic attacks, I sent him a text telling him I know that he was trying to meet up with people but havnt got a reply yet. I really dont know what to do.
Rennie1989
28-10-13, 15:56
You do need to confront him about this. Men watch porn, whether they are in a relationship or not, as long as they are honest about it from the beginning that's fine (IMO, some women may not like the idea of their partners watching any sort of porn). Custom made porn videos sounds a little suspicious (would he have contacted these agencies/studios?) and inquiring about escorts is wrong when you're in a relationship.
He could be doing this for any number of reasons, he's either not satisfied enough (that's no offence to you, as I don't know your personal life) or he's addicted to porn. What ever the reason is you need to talk to him and he needs to answer you honestly. Depending on what the reason is you could either try and work it out between you two, have a break or call it quits.
I know it's probably difficult to talk about this to other people but try and spend some time with friends and family, but don't avoid your boyfriend completely, you two need to talk.
Here is a decent article about watching porn that may make it easier to understand
http://www.mensjournal.com/health-fitness/health/are-you-watching-too-much-porn-20130821
It seems that your boyfriend feels most aroused when watching his "custom" porn and because he watches it so much he is having problems being intimate with you. To resurrect your love life the article gives the very simple advice of:
A) He needs to stop watching porn.
B) He needs to cut down masturbating (not stop as all men masturbate even when we're in relationships).
I would have a heart to heart with him but before you start you need to make it very clear that you won't accept lies from him, also make him aware of the consequences of lying to you. Porn is very very addictive and it is easily available so you shouldn't blame yourself or think that you aren't good enough for him. He has probably lied to you in the past because he is embarrassed by the subject and probably wants the conversation over with.
My advice to you is to put your foot down - tell him because he has let you down already that you are getting rid of the internet - if this is not possible then make yourself administrator and block adult sites. If his phone has internet and video capability then he needs to change that too. Finally all the videos he has bought need to be either sold or destroyed.
Tell him how much you love him and how you miss being intimate with him. Do you both talk openly about sex and what each other likes? Is there enough romance in your relationship?
If your relationship doesn't work then you have no need to feel humiliated - it's something that happens to all of us and for different reasons. I hope this helps, Good luck.
Sorry, but I think that there is an assumption that men watching porn are dissatisfied with their relationship, and that is making them unable to be intimate.
Sorry, but I think that is pure rubbish.
I would hasten a guess that even the happiest men in the happiest relationships watch porn. It is not solely indicative of a bad relationship. The fact is, for men (and women) porn represents fantasy and escapism, but I don't see that that necessarily means they are unhappy with a partner.
The last guy I was involved with watched pornography. We had a casual discussion about porn, and he actually showed me some videos he had downloaded, with an air of humour and embarrassment, but he showed me none the less. It did not bother me at all, as out intimate relationship was good and healthy (We talked a lot about how happy each of us were with this as communication is everything) but despite this, I am well aware that porn offers that fantasy element that a 'normal' sex life cannot always, and that is what he told me too. That he was happy with out intimate life, but sometimes a guy likes something extra.
I don't see anything wrong with that, or anything offensive for me personally, but I guess it depends on how you personally see things.
With respect, gypsyg, you appear to be assuming a lot when you say:
'It seems that your boyfriend feels most aroused when watching his "custom" porn and because he watches it so much he is having problems being intimate with you'
Who said that was the reason? Kate mentioned that their sex life had been virtually non-existent, and felt that was to blame, which would seem to suggest that the lack of intimacy was on Kate's part too. Who says her partner is having issues getting intimate?!
Kate, I don't think that this should be a deal breaker for your relationship. A relationship is hard, even without anxiety involved. I don't feel personally that EITHER of you are to blame for what is happening here, Not you for your anxiety which you suggest has impacted on your sexual relationship, nor he for perhaps needing to seek arousement as far as the pornography goes, but as I say, the vast majority of men I know of at least like watching porn, happy with their sex life or not.
As far as the escort goes, that is another matter, and more of a breach of trust. I still think from what you say that your boyfriend still wants your relationship (if he didn't, would he still have stuck with you with your anxiety and other things going on otherwise?? Those things put a lot of pressure on a partnership) but clearly he may be missing something between you sexually, but only you know if this is something the pair of you can work through, and if it was purely sex this guy wanted from a third party.
I think that communication is key here. You both need to lay your cards on the table as to what each of you are feeling and thinking about what has occurred, how you both feel in the relationship, whether you both want it, and how and if you can move forward and repair things if you both want that.
I know it must be hard for you, hun. Dealing with anxiety, and then having this happen, which then compounds the anxiety further, and so a vicious circle happens. You also have to decide what is right for you, if the relationship problems are impacting on your anxiety too much, or if you feel things can improve if you work things out. xx:hugs:
Rennie1989
28-10-13, 19:45
Debs: I hope I didn't give off the impression that porn is watched by dissatisfied men. I think I know more men who watch porn then don't, it's almost a social norm and expectation for men to watch it. I do believe the boyfriend/husband should tell their partner that they're watching it, because I've had my fair share of shocks when loading Internet Explorer.
Debs: I hope I didn't give off the impression that porn is watched by dissatisfied men. I think I know more men who watch porn then don't, it's almost a social norm and expectation for men to watch it. I do believe the boyfriend/husband should tell their partner that they're watching it, because I've had my fair share of shocks when loading Internet Explorer.
No, not at all Rennie! :)
I was just in general mentioning I think there is this idea that if men are watching porn, they can't be satisfied sexually. I just don't personally think that is wholeheartedly true. I also agree with you that they should just mention it to the their partners.
As you say, I think the worst mistake they make is to hide it, as it suggests to their partner it is a dirty secret, or they are being devious in some way, or that they don't want them to know they are not happy sexually. A lot of woman would question why their partner is watching it in that case.:huh:
As a bloke, if I was paying lots of money for custom porn, and attempting to arrange for an escort to visit me, then it would mean there was something wrong in my relationship. It seems he needs something a bit more exciting than the 'norm'.
He needs to have an open and honest conversation with you about what it is he is looking for and needs. you never know, it might be fun to share whatever his fantasy is, but seriously, he obviously 'needs' whatever he is paying for, and again, as a 'bloke' I cant see him stopping this unless he can satisfy his need within your relationship.
I said he was most aroused by the custom porn by the simple fact he was paying for it. Porn is freely available on the net for no cost. There are millions of hours of all kinds of stuff on there so the fact he is paying for custom stuff leads me to conclude that that is what turns him on the most. Yes there are assumptions on my part but educated assumptions none the less.
Debs, you also mention that he might not be dissatisfied in the relationship but the reasons why I think you are wrong:
1) He has tried to meet escorts.
2) His secretive behaviour - after being caught why has he not been open?
3) The lack of intamacy.
Yes, most men watch porn and most men know it's fantasy and just use it as a means to an end but Kate25's boyfriend does seem to be addicted. Of course I may be wrong as we have so little to go on.
I said he was most aroused by the custom porn by the simple fact he was paying for it. Porn is freely available on the net for no cost. There are millions of hours of all kinds of stuff on there so the fact he is paying for custom stuff leads me to conclude that that is what turns him on the most. Yes there are assumptions on my part but educated assumptions none the less.
Debs, you also mention that he might not be dissatisfied in the relationship but the reasons why I think you are wrong:
1) He has tried to meet escorts.
2) His secretive behaviour - after being caught why has he not been open?
3) The lack of intamacy.
Yes, most men watch porn and most men know it's fantasy and just use it as a means to an end but Kate25's boyfriend does seem to be addicted. Of course I may be wrong as we have so little to go on.
Actually, if you properly read my post, nowhere did I say Kate's BOYFRIEND might not be disatisfied in the relationship. I simply said I do not believe that it is a deal breaker, and cannot be worked through with clear communication. Clearly, there is an issue with the intimacy/sexual part of their relationship if her partner is seeking physical gratification elsewhere in terms of an escort (in addition to pornography)and Kate specifies this herself by saying their sex life has not been as it should be, but I actually said that in GENERAL I do not believe that men in happy relationships with a satisfactory sex life do not also look at porn.
To suggest that is generalising greatly. Men like porn. I have yet to come across one who does not frankly.
It just appears to me that a lot of emphasis is being placed on the pornography as a key cause of the problem here when it isn't. Quite frankly I think that is not taking into account that a relationship is about both parties actions. It takes communication and admission of both of your failings and issues that are pushing one half a certain way. If the man is seeking direct sexual gratification with a human being in the shape of an escort and being underhand, yes there is an issue there. I never said there wasn't.
....but it is not all about the fact this guy is watching porn either:shrug:
And nowhere have I said that men in happy relationships do not look at porn - And nowhere have I suggested that men who do look at porn are in an unfulfilling relationship.
There is a lot of emphasis being placed on the pornography because thats what kate's post was mostly about. She herself has connected the watching of pornography and her unhappiness with his viewing habits.
I agree totally with you that it takes communication to make a relationship work and my post does suggest that. Are you saying that he should be allowed to keep his porn collection? If so fancy a date :D Joke!!!!
Thanks for everyone's replies,
When I looked at the emails and looked at the accounts created on the sites I thought it would give me clarity to know exactly what had been happening to see if I could deal with it.
He admitted he'd chatted to local girls through emails claiming they only ever chatted about sex. What I can't understand is why if you had no intention in ever meeting these girls or escorts why would you have set up the profiles with real info ie name, location, height etc, surely if it was just for a fantasy you would give fake info.
We worked so hard to get the house this year, we came very close to losing the house and I believed we were both ecstatic to be able to live together, yes the sex life was lacking but it really appeared like we were so happy and content with our lives. With the stress and anxiety of the house move and losing my grandad last year, my sex life hasn't exactly been top priority, but knowing that through the hard times he was comforting me and yet talking to other girls hurts the most.
Rennie1989
29-10-13, 09:50
That's great that you two have spoken. What has he agreed to do?
NOT GOOD ENOUGH!
Porn hmmmmm one thing , chatting to potential escorts another. Neither acceptable to most individuals in a relationship where there are ties. A few lies initially on confrontation with him also. It just looks so bad. I don't want to upset u this sort of thing does Happen & can happen to any of us! No ones exempt from relationship issues of any sort - where all human.
None the less flip this around - could u ever behave like this with a clear conscience even in terms of fantasy? Would u think it wrong? I think infact know u would.
He knows this is wrong and seriously pushing it!
I know the buying the house thing is a MAJOR MAJOR upset, it took us 5 years to buy our home with kids in tow as well SO I appreciate the house thing BUT this CAN NOT cloud your thinking because it's all disappointing u.
Maybe 1 final chat , have it all out & I know this is sneaky BUT - give him final warning & to yourself keep a sneaky eye on him, this way you can have a clear plan of action for future shocks, prepare yourself!
I don't know what else to suggest, I can tell u can't just leave nor throw him out & I think u need to ride the wave a bit to absorb all this. BUT I'd be keeping a very sneaky & discreet eye on him for the forseeable future, for sure.
Good luck
All he keeps saying is all the things he'll miss if we're not together, which in my head I think if those things were that important to you you wouldn't have risked splitting us up in the first place.
He has got rid of his laptop, (not from me asking) but tbh I see that as a childish gesture, as though it would make the things that happened disappear.
Obviosuly I still love him but I don't know if I can live with the constant suspicion of wondering what hes doing or feeling inadequate compared to the "girls" hes been talking to
This is a very tough situation and opinions will vary by the individual. You raise some very valid questions. The fake name vs. real name etc.
It's a personal reaction and decision as to how you will handle this. You don't know for sure all the details or if he acted or not on these things but regardless, it's a betrayal of the heart and having been on the receiving end of that several times in my life, I know it's a hurt that goes to the very core of your being.
All I can tell you is to trust your gut feeling. I know in my life, when I've gone against that feeling, I've regretted it.
Positive thoughts and prayers
All he keeps saying is all the things he'll miss if we're not together, which in my head I think if those things were that important to you you wouldn't have risked splitting us up in the first place.
He has got rid of his laptop, (not from me asking) but tbh I see that as a childish gesture, as though it would make the things that happened disappear.
Obviosuly I still love him but I don't know if I can live with the constant suspicion of wondering what hes doing or feeling inadequate compared to the "girls" hes been talking to
Absolutly what I'd be thinking -
a) why would he have ever risked what u have if, he's going to miss it that much.
B) and the constant suspicion can be a relationship killer in itself.
He's caused all of this HIM, don't ever blame yourself, we could ALL go have affairs when times are hard - why is it some of us don't? And that's the key to this we don't stray because underneath the trials and tribulation of relationships - we genuinely , deeply love and respect our partners! Full stop!
As for getting rid of the laptop he's probably already saved the escorts contact details from his correspondence from the web - end of day THE damage has already been done.
You put yourself first Hun & you take hold of the reigns and control of this situation and do what's best for you!
To be blunt whatever your situation - id certainly get rid!
Because it would eat and eat away at me like rot!:buttkick::buttkick:
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