I have done something bad and am terrified, cant stop worrying, HELP !!

[mummysworried]

Hi i really need some advice or help im not sure what. I suffer with anxiety and depression, im 37 yrs old and a mum to 4 children 3 are autistic and 1 is deaf. I have been told that i am very likely autistic and i really struggle to stand up for myself , process situations and although im not stupid im very childlike and in fear of new people and situations i seem to need a long period of time to process a new idea or situation and often get myself in awkward spots by saying yes because i cant think things through quickly.
Anyway on sataday i went for a walk across the local shop with my 6 yr old, there was a group of young girls and the oldest girl i would guess to be 15-16 asked me to go to the shop and buy cigarettes, i got in a flap didnt know what to do , couldnt think it through felt intimidated and didnt want them to call me things with my daughter with me so said yes. All round the shop i knew it was wrong but couldnt find the courage to go back out with out buying them. I did buy them and quickly handed them over and went home. I was in a complete state when i got in, my husband wanted to know what was wrong but didnt really understand the level of panic i was in. I took 2 fluoxetine, 2 diazipam and 3 tagra tablets to try and calm down, i was crying for an hour and a half and am terrified still of what i did and thouroughly ashamed. I have told my husband i wont go out to the shops alone again now unless he comes. Im imaging all sorts of scenarios now and its the only thing i can think about, im taking sleeping tablets and diazipam to sleep and am in a real mess over this. I keep thinking what if the parents come and find me, what if the police look at cctv and arrest me , what if they see me out and ask me again, so many bad thoughts that are upsetting me and the worst is my own guilt and shame. I feel im a bad person now and am not worthwhile, i cant seem to get this out of my head and its really upsetting me. I am a good person , have never done anything wrong and would give anyone anything i have to help them. People seem to often spot that im weak and aim for me, i just dont have it in me to say no , i cant take any conflict at all and am scarred of everyone. Please someone help :(

[Annie0904]

Please don't feel about yourself for doing this, it is the girls that asked you to do it who are in the wrong not you. You only did it because you were vulnerable and felt intimidated by them. You are a good person, if you were not you wouldn't be feeling so upset about the situation.
You must try to move on from this as it is making you ill. Remind yourself it is the girls who were in the wrong NOT you. You felt threatened so carried out the request. You should never have been put in this situation. :hugs::hugs::hugs:

[LilyPad1991]

You are entirely blowing this situation out of proportion, which isn't your fault, it is just your nature and I imagine to do with your existing anxiety and depression. The situation with the teenagers would intimidate many people and anyone reasonable can see that you were just trying avoid conflict in front of your child. Do not mentally punish yourself for what happened. It is over and done with now, there is no need for you to continue to worry about it. The chances of anyone pursuing the occurrence on CCTV are extremely slim. If I were you, sharing this worry with your husband would probate be a good idea. If you explain that you felt threatened/intimidated and simply wanted to avoid a confrontation with the teenagers I am sure he will be understanding and reassuring.


Hope you're feeling better soon.

[mummysworried]

Thank you so much for replying, i feel rock bottom and wont ever go alone again now, i know i cant control situations outside my home and i dont know how to be an adult and stand up and say or do the right thing when put into these situations, im scared of people turning on me. Im a very quiet person, i adore my children and my home and am absolutely disgusted and feel im worthless for what i have done. I cant describe how awful i feel its beyond words. Its so easy for people to not understand and i dont want to be called a bad person , im not. I feel like the child in the playground still being bullied i cant get myself out of that frame of mind and in situations i dont understand i revert back to that child and say yes to avoid conflict. All people will see is a 37 yr old mum that bought a packet of cigarettes for a young adult they wont understand and wont listen if they find it is me . I would have to leave or get away somehow, im hopeing that it wont arise and ill just stay home where its safe but schools back on monday so i have to go past the shop. Im in a tizz

[Daisy Sue]

You know what, those girls will not have given you a moment's thought since you handed the cigs over, yet you've been in a state about it for over 3 days now :(

I've been approached like that before, and I've said no - and explained how I'm struggling to stop smoking because I started at their age... and that I'm sorry, but I can't help them do something which I know is so damaging to them. This has happened a few times, and I've never been challenged, they just say ok and wait for the next person to come along.

Honestly, don't worry about it.

[mummysworried]

Thank you, im just so upset, i wish i could be like that and say no, and when im home i think im going to be stronger and have all the scenarios worked out that may happen and what i would do and say but when something does come up it falls apart and im no use. I keep thinking of myself saying no and having come home proud that i had achieved something, i would of felt confident and good about myself, not been in this state and so down and afraid. I will just stay home as there are often groups of young people over the shops, this is the first time i have been stoped though , thanks everyone you have made me feel better and to look at different perpectives , thanks

[Rubicon]

I just thought i would share a story.. I scratched a car in a car park the other day as i was reversing. Morally wrong, awful, etc, i know but i drove off. I was having a panic attack after i hit it, and i left.. i was in no position to go and find a pen and paper and leave my info.

Subsequent weeks were spent dreading a phonecall/letter telling me to go to court etc yet all my friends and family were reassuring me they would have driven off without a second thought, and not thought about it again, moral of the story is that we all do silly things and make mistakes, we just have to learn from it and (when nothing happens, as will be the case here) try to put things in perspective in the future.

PS i am much more careful in car parks now xx

[Greg17]

Agree with a lot of the above. What you did, you did to keep yourself safe in the moment. Well done for keeping yourself safe :)

[Col]

I can understand from your perspective how this has provoked serious anxiety and your nature seems to be very conscientious also.

I know CCTV cameras or a parent finding out will worry you but, the girls won't won't their parents finding out so their parents are gonna be none the wiser & as for the police getting involved over a packet of fags - FAT CHANCE THEY'D bother with an issue like this to that scale. If It was illegal drugs or alcohol causing a yongster to become intoxicated & collapse, then I'd worry but this was not the case - just a pack of fags!
The police struggle to sort out more serious scenarios so, a packet of fags in the great scheme of things I can 99% say DONT WORRY ABOUT THIS!

Your a good person and fretting sooo much indicates this and because of your anxiety it's just exasperating your worry even more.

One point of advice - husband in tow or not I really would use alternative set of shops IF possible to go to. Yep why should u have to avoid these shops but taking what u say on board if your not confident to say NO next time- u could end up with this level of anxiety again.

As for what's happend move on X