Bit of advice needed please

[Pilchard]

I'll try to keep this as short as possible.

My OH has had a bad year - she has been off from work since January due to anxiety/depression caused by personality issues at work (other people's not hers). Her employer was not the most supportive and as my OH was adamant that she couldn't return, she resigned.

We were hoping that this would bring the situation to a close but it hasn't. She is constantly depressed and I have to admit that although I'm trying my best to be supportive I can feel that I am getting to my wit's end.

Believe me, I know this is being unfair but as much as I try to explain to her constantly that she's done the right thing and that she's better off out of it, it doesn't seem to be helping. She is worried out money but I earn enough to cover our outgoings and I tell her that it's not an issue (it really isn't) but it doesn't seem to register with her. She is looking for other employment but obviously this is not easy nowadays. And the constant applying for jobs and either hearing nothing or being turned done is not helping her either.

I encourage her to go out and arrange to meet friends but I think she is embarrassed in case she's sees anybody she used to work with even though she has done nothing wrong and has got nothing to feel ashamed about (which again I tell her all the time!).

A lot of people, even those close to her (her family) have told her to "pull herself together" and whilst I have been sorely tempted to do the same, I feel that this is one of the last things somebody in her position needs to here.

I know there is no quick fix but would be really grateful if anybody could give me/us some practical advise about helping her to get out of this.

Thanks.

[Greg17]

Hi Pilchard,

One thing your OH has going for her is your amazing support! It sounds as though you have done all you can to make things comfortable for her and give her the space she needs.

Has your OH spoken to the GP or indeed anyone about the way she is feeling? That can often be a big challenge - is the person ready to admit something is wrong and accept help.

You may want to look into Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT). Have a read, maybe together with your OH if she's up for it and decide whether it might help. It is available on the NHS (with waiting times in all likelihood) or you can look into private options.

As you say, there is unlikely to be a quick fix, it will take time. But with your continued support, she'll get there :)

[Pilchard]

Thanks Greg.

She does go to her GP every few months and she has been seen by the NHS counsellors but in all honesty she would have probably got better advise if she'd have spoke to some random in the pub!!

I will look up about CBT. Personally I think that speaking with a properly qualified counsellor/psychologist would help her enormously as I believe she has unresolved issues from when before she met me (an unhappy, abusive marriage).

However, convincing her to go and speak to somebody about these painful memories is going to be difficult!

[Greg17]

Yes it will be difficult. Again it depends on many factors, for example, it may not be necessary to dredge up old painful memories but focus on how she's feeling now.

Absolutely do your research, and reach out to professionals and talk to them before making any commitments. You are not obliged after a chat. It pays to understand areas of specialty etc.

Good luck :)

[Edie]

Hi Pilchard, and welcome.

I use these forums because of my own problems, but in the past I was married to a man with severe mental health problems and I know only too well how difficult it can be when your partner is unwell.

If you can afford it, it could be worth looking for a private counsellor/therapist. The beauty of CBT is that it focusses on your thoughts and behaviours, and helps you replace them with more appropriate thoughts, rather than a deep discussion of your past. So this might suit her well if she finds her past difficult to discuss. It could help her get to a point where she is strong enough to discuss difficult things if that would also be helpful for her. The BACP is an organisation that accredits counsellors who work to professional standards, and you can use their website to find a counsellor in your area. Their website is here: http://www.bacp.co.uk/

If your wife is worried about seeing her old friends, it could help for her to seek out new friendships. This might be through joining a club or class in something she is interested in. There might also be social groups for people with mental health difficulties, where she might feel comfortable. If she's interested in that, you might be able to find something on the internet about suitable groups.

The job search must be very draining for your wife. Constant rejection has got to hurt. Perhaps she might try some voluntary work in the meantime. It would be a way to keep something good on her CV, keep up experience of work (even if not related to her field), and also to meet other people. There tends to be a low-pressure, friendly atmosphere in voluntary work, so it would probably be enjoyable for her.

It's also important to make sure you get the support you need as well. Your wife may be the one who is ill, but the caring role is also a tough one.

[Pilchard]

Thanks Edie.

I have suggested voluntary work to my OH as she is a very caring person who puts others before herself. I think it would also give her a feeling of self-worth which she is lacking.

Thank you also for details of the BACP.