Struggling to cope - sexual intrusive thoughts

[scaredj]

I'm a 17 year old girl and until about 4 months ago have always loved kids and couldn't wait to have my own and wanted a job working with them. One day I had a horrible thought that popped into my head about how I may want to rape children and I tried to dismiss it but since then it has got worse and worse and now I'm struggling to cope. It's developed into this one obsession that feels like I want to molest little girls and it makes me feel awful and I grimace typing it. There isn't a day where I'm not haunted by it. I'm currently seeing a CBT therapist but it hasn't really helped yet. She has diagnosed me with OCD and depression. It's taking over my life and I keep trying to dismiss it but it really feels like something I want to do and I'm terrified. I feel like there's a monster forming in my head that has taken over me. I hate it so much!! I just want to go back to my life before I thought about this. It's like I can't forget about it because it feels like I want to do it when I really don't want to want to (if that makes sense). I'm constantly crying, I feel ashamed all the time, I hate being at home because the feelings are always there and I have to face them whereas at school I'm fine because I'm distracted. I feel like I don't deserve the life I have because I feel these horrible things and constantly want to hurt myself. I'm not attracted to children in ANY way but yet it feels like I want to molest them?! It feels like if I say that I don't want to molest them then I'm lying to myself. Am I?! I'm scared I'm a paedophile and whenever I'm around children I feel so nervous and I'm always scared I'll end up alone with them!! I've had various forms of OCD all my life but nothing this bad. I'd literally rather die than have these feelings. Please has anyone got any advice? I'm really struggling and terrified! Please help. I don't want to live a life like this.

[luci]

I think the most important thing to note in this is that you are upset at the thought of this and you don't want to do it, you said it yourself, so I certainly wouldn't label you as 'evil' sweetie. I have similar symptoms, the difference being I dream of other people abusing my son. This is very distressing for me and I started to think 'these disgusting things are in MY brain, I have a problem, I'm not normal....' its very difficult to get a grip on these thoughts and feelings, especially when they are so graphic :(

Its important to remember that these are only thoughts and they are a part of our condition... I would NEVER hurt my little boy, you have to believe yourself when you say I would never hurt a child. Our minds play tricks on us and I'm still not sure why. I try to distract myself from these thoughts... cleaning, reading, going for a walk, visiting friends etc when I'm not at work... and now visiting NMP :) Its very hard for me to admit to these feelings and I'm not sure how I should get help.... so coping alone it is for now.

Just remember you are not alone in this, you have made positive steps, you need to believe and trust yourself..... I hope this makes sense/helps in even a small way