Ever feel afraid to let go of anxiety?

[Freddiemercury]

Hi everyone,

So after my routine full body check at the dermatologist today, I am in a slight panic because she had to remove the new mole I got on my arm. I wanted to go to the doc sooner, but either put it off or convinced myself the mole looked normal, but I kept being concerned because it is new and does look a little different from my other moles. Anyway, when she was concerned and told me she was going to remove it for biopsy, I panicked and now have to wait 7-10 days for the results. She removed another spot as well and said she thinks it's scar tissue but wants to be safe. I have major cancer fears and am worried all my symptoms in the last few months are due to melanoma (I've been mostly lymphoma focused). Right now, I am putting all my effort into NOT googling.

That was me venting, but my question for you all is do you ever feel like you are afraid to let go of the anxiety you have? Something has happened to me this time where I don't feel AS scared as I normally am when these health scares come up and strangely enough instead of feeling relieved or even proud of myself, it sort of scares the crap out of myself when I realize I am not panicking. I'm not sure why...maybe it's because I feel afraid to let my guard down? Or I'm afraid if I don't worry and then get bad news I will not prepared and meltdown? Or maybe I am just so used to feeling this way that it scares me to operate any differently?

Just wondering if any of you ever experienced this and what your thoughts were. I feel like if I were to share this with anyone who doesn't suffer from HA they would probably accuse me of not wanting to feel better or wanting something to be wrong with me, or some other ridiculous thing!

[Rennie1989]

To be honest with you, no. I've been working hard for years to reduce my anxiety, which I have, and am now working to get it under complete control. I am beginning to trust my body to react to situations appropriately, rather than getting anxious and nervous over situations that don't require that.

I do understand where you are coming from, you don't want to let your guard down otherwise something bad will happen. I used to believe this, too. But you don't need to keep the guard up 24/7, otherwise you'll exhaust yourself.

[HoneyLove]

Rennie is onto something there about being cautious of letting your guard down in case something happens. It's something I definitely relate to and have struggled with. I've been afraid to fully relax, because I'm so used to being hypervigilant all the time that it's become my normal way of being.

It feels scary to stop being on the alert, I think because deep inside we believe that if we're alert to danger we can control the situation, stop anything from going wrong or stop it quickly when it starts - this can apply to anything we're being vigilant of whether it's our health or pills we're taking or worrying about loved ones.

What I've been trying to do lately is relinquishing control. Ultimately we have no control in life anyway, none whatsoever, and life is easier if you can learn to embrace that fact. It's easier said than done for people like us, but it's worth working on.

[ankietyjoe]

To be honest with you, no. I've been working hard for years to reduce my anxiety, which I have, and am now working to get it under complete control. I am beginning to trust my body to react to situations appropriately, rather than getting anxious and nervous over situations that don't require that.




Word for word, this.

[Fishmanpa]

Ultimately we have no control in life anyway, none whatsoever, and life is easier if you can learn to embrace that fact.

I was watching some car crash videos on Youtube the other night from Russia. Besides the fact that they can't drive worth a S&^#, there were some that were just "BAM!"... no warning, no time to think or react. Life is that way sometimes. Illnesses, accidents and many other things.

What Honeylove said is a key and the truth, as well as a mindset to help fight anxiety. Read the quote in my signature. Having faced death several times in the last 6 years, it's become my mantra and philosophy in life. Whenever something comes up that begins to stress me out, I repeat that quote over and over until the stress leaves. I have worries just like everyone else. I just don't allow them to rule my life. Life is much too short and unpredictable to worry about things out of your control.

[Liviguy]

I am exactly like you Freddie. I find it hard to let go as I always say that if I am prepared for the worst then I won't be taken by surprise. However that is an exhausting way to live your life.

[roxy90]

I also sometimes fear that once I stop worrying then its sods law that something bad will happen. I know how you feel but its a rubbish way to live your life, I know. I have had the most fantastic two days which I didn't think was possible hopefully the same goes for you x

[Freddiemercury]

Thank you all for your responses. I am glad to hear others feel the same and can relate to what I am going through right now. I keep telling myself that whether I have a positive attitude or negative attitude, the results are what they are. I mean it's already set whether this thing is dangerous or not, and nothing I think will change that so why not be positive and have a good week instead of worrying? But of course this is easier said than done! I'm glad to know I am not the only one who feels afraid to let their guard down. It is weird when you have been operating this way for so long to just be comfortable with uncertainty and calmness. HoneyLove, I think you are absolutely right that it really all comes down to lack of control and not being comfortable with that, but that we have to be or we will live a miserable life.

[Liviguy]

My CBT consultant asked me what I worried about most. I said cancer. She then went on to say that if I was given two years to live I'd be as well living that two years to the full than sitting stressing about it every day.

It didn't really help me much though lol

[Hypo]

YES!

I relate to all of that.

HoneyLove summed it up perfectly for me.

[livethelife]

I agree too - I always feel that i have my guard up with regard to my health - I'm always prepared for the worst. it's strange to me when I speak to friends who have health issues that are being investigated and they are not overly concerned - they just have a wait and see attitude - meaning that if it turns out to be something bad they will deal with it then - that is the point i want to get to eventually.

I am 48 and sometimes when i look back on my life so far i feel i have been kind of numb for some of it - afraid to love fully, really enjoy life etc because i feel like it can all be swept away so quickly. it sucks.

currently waiting for blood test results to come back and very worried. :(

[eastofeden]

I'm a control freak and I'm scared of letting my guard down too in case I get caught out. In fact this method doesn't actually work. Like if there's something wrong with you you'd go to the doctor anyway. Just because you think about going to the Dr all the time doesn't mean you have any less risk. The thing I hate about health anxiety is that it is completely illogical. I have been to 5 different doctors and going again isn't going to make a difference because I will get the same answer. But the urge is so strong. I think most of health anxiety is a desire for control and being prepared,but the stupid thing is that doesn't actually work.

[Andria24]

No. I'd love to be free of it. I remember listening to Radio 2 once and a DJ was saying how he never worries about anything as he enjoyed life too much to worry about stuff that hadn't happened or probably never would.

My husband is also a positive guy, he's rarely bothered by anything, and certainly never worries over things he can't change or foresee.

[Freddiemercury]

I am 48 and sometimes when i look back on my life so far i feel i have been kind of numb for some of it - afraid to love fully, really enjoy life etc because i feel like it can all be swept away so quickly. it sucks.:(

This statement really impacted me. I am so sorry you feel this way. I am 30 and this is what the past 3 months of my life has looked like (I also suffered for many years before but had "gotten over it"), and I don't want it continue for more years or even months at this point. It has affected my marriage in a lot of ways, I have cancelled plans because of it, and I just overall haven't enjoyed things as much. The hard part is that something always pulls me back in. The last week before my derm appointment was fabulous and I felt maybe my therapy is working. I was going out with friends and family, enjoying walks, and I even baked and cooked again. But then I have to have a biopsy and it's like, now I HAVE to worry about this. Now something really can be wrong AGAIN. I almost do better when it's just "in my head" and I don't have definitive proof, but the fact that my skin is in a lab somewhere and a definitive decision will be made that could change my life forever, just kills me. I even get angry when I imagine some cold pathologist looking at my biopsy and unemotionally writing "melanoma". Something might really be wrong. I can't seem to realize though that whether I'm miserable or not, the outcome will be the same.