pip1971
01-11-13, 20:50
After several hours of dark thoughts and googling I have ended up here. Have suffered from depression for most of my adult life...I have recently been diagnosed with emotional dysregulation disorder too. 18 years ago I had my first child. A year ago I had my second child....and the way I feel is exactly the same with both of them and its never changed..my eldest is disabled..a cruel disease that started at age 2 and robbed her of her mobility..but even before that I remember feeling so trapped and anxious and scared of her and as she has got older, it still feels that way...and here we go again....my youngest is lovely. But yet the fear around being alone with her is huge...there is no reasoning behind it...but tonight my partner says he is helping his brother tomorrow and that means I will have both my girls and I honestly felt like driving away and worse...sometimes its easier for me to put it into words than others... with my baby - such as what if she cries, what if she doesn't settle in the car, what if she wont let me have a shower...what if I have to be in the room with her all the time. I have to go on a 3 hour round trip by car with the both of them tomorrow and I don't know how im going to face it...Monday I have no plans and the day seems so scary...I cant be at home for more than an hour alone with my baby. what is wrong with me...