ADVICE PLEASE!preasure from parents.....

[Col]

Hi guys basically I will try and find an old thread BUT

My mums ruined my wedding, (We married in secret )she tried taking over my daughter when I lived lived her when my daughter was born. She named my daughter, smacked and screamed at me, basically her and dad had a very volatile relationship and when they finally split all her frustration shed take out on my and my hubby then boyfriend. Because he was from another culture , just added insult to injury when she used to make comments like "just like your father he is. - you'll have a dogs life" ect. I was actually older than my parents when I had my daughter compared to when they had me. You think they'd try and support 20 year old daughter with a newborn & we both working and managed to get a mortgage on a house but needed loads of work , so stayed with mum. Dad left and all her frustration she'd take out on me and my now grown up life.my brother has had ZERO contact with her since 2005 & partly because he saw how shed shout , hit, curse & wanted to take my daughter as her own. Don't breastfeed oh no you don't want to be doing that! (SHE EVEN FORCED US TO GIVE HER THE NAME MIA, we had issues from hubbies side culturally also, so we were very vulnerable)Not in an adoptive sense BUT by running my now hubby down so that I'd stay with her with my daughter and fill the void of dad leaving! BY rights it should be me not in contact with mum , always a good kid growing up , nothing bad was ever brought by me to my parents door & I had a job at 14, then weekend jobs from 16! I've got a science degree ect always got off my behind. So ME AND HUBBY now married for 9 years almost together for 13 we've got our own house in a lovely area! Didn't she get it All wrong ! Again jealous her and dad never married & she always says she wanted 4 kids BUT only got 2!

So 4 years ago baby 2 she ruined that because my dad looked after our daughter over night whilst I was in hospital! Next day I spoke to mum off hospital ward she was AWFUL VERY PISSED OFF, not at all botherd about my traumatic labour JUST mad for herself she didn't get Mia! She shouted at me over the phone when i was on the ward "im your mother " blah blah & i was sooo tired i lost it swore and put phone down! How embarrasing & my hubby was furious!
Thing is I never really made formal arrangments as time went on I just thought better not say defo about her having Mia because it'll end in tears - IT DID ANYWAY! Also my kids do have 3 other grandparents!

So now I'm having 3rd and final baby & it's hotting up she's trying to drag her partner in as a step grandfather. She involves him and hes sooooo under the thumb he'll say things to me because he's been prompted by her OR because he knows he'll get a telling off if he doesn't ask. Such as " well have to take kids to the zoo Collette" ect. Never said they couldn't ?? Dare not say NO TO HER! This is the same man she was ready to leave after a brief afair with his boss only in the past year. BUT for some reason expects me to involve him to the same level as my own dad ??? Also I seem to bare the burden & embarrassment for my brothers absence in her life??? God only knows what she's told her partner - well like all my mums sister, it's always blamed on my dad? It really should be me who cut her off, but im a traditionalist compared to my brother!

SHe never went banging on my dads door , like most mothers would? She claims she was severely depressed and it would go against her in court. I don't care I would have battered the door down for my kids! The depression comes from (9 years later she still on disability allowance, shops at M&S. Travels & great social life??) when she was sectioned as she took an overdose of the safest pills known to man, apparently?? This happend just after she found out i was married, i left with my 3 year old and moved in to inlaws & a week later my mum sectioned & my mum OD whilst little bro was in house??? Because she lost control, no money dad & i left , she never wanted to work blah bla. So Me and my bro went to visit initially and I know this sounds odd but the psychiatric nurses didn't even believe her , they said a cry for help and she was making superfical self harm marks after seeing the 'seriously ill' patients doing this?.

Shes on a very fine line BUT because I'm already very anxious about the labour I need advice - how should I deal with her this time! She is not going to impose herself this time BUT what do I do????

Hubby keeps saying she'll come and sit all day , & everyone else won't get a look in! Shed even expect me to tell my dad to go so she can stay & I'm determined to breastfeed this time & she will NOT like this. TheN she'll try taking kids out or saying Steve (her partner) will take kids round to mac donalds and they'll insist! All 6 weeks holidays ive been ill & in the end they never botherd taking kids to mc Donald's for an hour then ?? If I'm in bed my hubby will have to deal with all this and their insisting, easily offended ways! Ultimately resulting in a row if she doesn't get her way! Just gone on for far toooooo long, needs to STOP!

But she goes baby ga ga & she's got an extreamly bad track record!

How do you deal with a mum /parents like this , I'm now32 and enough is enough!

I'll try and find an old thread of mine for more background if u fancy a read! This is a massive massive issue! Don't need to be loosing sleep over this.:mad:

[Annie0904]

Aww Col, like you say, you have enough going on at the moment without all the hassle from your Mother. You are an adult now and it is about time your mother accepted that. You are going to have to be very firm with her and not let her rule your life. Make the arrangements that you want to make and tell her that is how it is going to be. I realise this may not be easy as it sounds like your mother can be quite volatile. :( :hugs::hugs::hugs:

[Andria24]

Col I will give you the short answer to your question: I stopped talking to my mother. That's how I cured that problem.

In a(nother) nutshell my mother sounds like yours. Mine got up to other wonderfully inventive stuff besides controlling events, people and so on but you get me ... an unhealthy relationship at best.

I wandered right up to the door of 40 before I got with the program. I'm the better for it. I could tell you same of my tales and they'd make your hair curl. Cutting the tie was no loss. I never really had a mother in the first place.

All that said what's worked for me might not work for you. I'm just offering my experience/perspective. Destructive people are emotionally and physically draining. You don't appear to have an wiggle room with your mother so ...

Hope something I've said makes sense, and have a big :hugs: because I know how crap your situation has become.

[Tessar]

For me, Col, keep her out of it as much as you can. she has not behaved well towards you or supported you as a mother. If she were a friend and not your mother, would you let a friend who has treated you like this be as involved in our life? If it were me, I certainly wouldn't.
You don't need to feel any obligation towards her whatsoever. Had she become a different person in recent times & shown true feelings of love and support towards you, perhaps you wouldn't need to be asking the question or for other people's opinions. instead you could be singing her her praises saying you are only too pleased to have her involved not only in your life, but in this up and coming major event.
You've gone out of your way to give her a chance to do this but she hasn't. I believe you know the answer already. Its always good to hear other people back you up and that's what I am doing.
You do what feels right for you. As you say, enough's enough. it really is. You are right.... you really do not need to be losing sleep over this. You can set boundaries with her. Why not? She should respect you and your family. If she doesn't, well she will lose out wont she? It's then up to her. Behave respectfully & consistently or face up to not being involved.
Hope this helps. Rather than being confrontational I'm trying to back you. The way I read the situation you should feel no guilt about her or obligation towards her.

[Col]

Thanks sooo much everyone. Tessar just reading your post that's exactly what I was thinking , exactly! Although in the heat of an argument I'm very fiery BUT if people act all innocent - which she's very good at doing - I find it very very hard to be firm.

She was on the phone to me today telling me she's bought everything from nappies , baby wash to mittens , hats, sleep suits etc etc FOR the baby and how I should have called her partner to drive them accross town because I was telling her that we've only just finished buying the Essentials and I'm due soon, on 19th ??? I'm not close at all to her, on surface ill chat with anyone SO I'm certainly NOT close to her partner. Wouldn't even ask my own dad to bring his gifts accross because we were desperate for clothing. So why would I ask him AND there she goes again bringing him into it & NOW wants to come on Saturday after she's mega guilt tripped me about not going to see her after a gall bladder op she had 5 weeks ago,! Neighbours done this and that, her partners son whom she basically forced out of the home he's lived in with his dad since 3 and now 28 - all of a sudden " ahhhhh Carl's just been to see me" shouting to him whilst I'm on phone. BY LOVE! Makes me sick things got that bad between my mum and her partners son that police nearly got called to one of their rows & my mums partners family don't speak to him anymore because my mum again has been falling out with people.

She was all lovely today saying how my cousin Ben been up to see her & his mum keeps asking him when he's going to tie the knot! She turned round to me on phone and saidive said you do what u want Ben , each to their own etc!

GOD ALL MIGHTLY!!!! SHE HAS STRONG OPINIONS & hang ups about all this, weddings , babies ect look how I've described her controlling - my way of thinking is right attitude!

Yep if my cousin only knew what she was really thinking. She has told me several times how my dad knew how much she wanted her dad to walk her up the aisle!

GOD!

It's all these contractions and faulse , ungenuine, superficial things that drive ME MAD.

Yep TESSAR, ANDRIA & as always ANNIE...... Thankyou kindly, for your words of wisdom & what I'm going to do is text her partner politely explaining how births of my other kids have been horrendous when mums concerned ( he knows what she's like , he once out the blue called me at his watts end regarding his son) , how mum goes ga ga & to appreciate my mum, brother & dad situation I'm always sat in the middle of is all a very sensitive issue & to keep out at a time like this!
As for mum, I'm gonna give her a chance to see the baby & 1 step out of line the minute she leaves our house, I will call her explain to her that she's not welcome anymore! Too much history.

:hugs:

---------- Post added at 17:21 ---------- Previous post was at 17:07 ----------

YEP DEBS 71 ...... That's exactly what she did! I was a vulnerable 20 yrs old young mum my dad had just left our family home, my now hubby different culture and he had serious issue but would always still work and maintain me and baby whilst I was at my mums!

Anyway due to my mum and dads volatile relationship over , it was like shed lost out and lost control of her own life SOOOO would drag mine down at a time when I needed support. As I said you'd think she'd understand being younger than I was, when she gave birth to me.

It goes on as described & has continued to a lesser BUT more infuriating degree in the recent years BECAUSE she should thank her lucky stars that I didn't cut her off when my brother did 8-9 years ago.

Theres always 2 sides to a story BUT I can honestly say, she really has nothing on me at all.
Other than I've not lived my adult life the way she expected.

Back to naming of my daughter - that's why I'm sooooooooo fed up after all these years.
She's played with fire and will finally get her fingers burnt IF she makes one comment out of line when I have this baby.

:hugs:

[Fishmanpa]

Hi Col,

I know you feel I'm rather blunt but I call 'em as I see 'em and offer no apologies. I truly feel that sometimes a cyber slap upside the head is what's needed to open one's eyes.

That being said, I agree with the posts above. I moved out of my parents house at 19 due to some similar BS (opinionated nonsense and drama). I never really got along with my family per se' and moving away actually helped our relationship. The distance is a buffer so to speak. Even now, I see my folks (they were divorced and re-married many years ago and don't get along) a few times a year.

Our parents are our parents but they're people just like everyone else. The difference is blood and blood only. If they were a friend that treated you that way, I would imagine they wouldn't be a friend any longer. I do love my parents even though we have/had our differences at times. I will admit there are/were times I didn't like them very much ;)

As the others have said, you do what you have to do to maintain your sanity and have the best life you can have for yourself, your husband and your children. You're in control, don't forget that! (and you don't have to answer the phone if you don't want to ;) )

Positive thoughts and prayers for the little one on the way. May he/she be healthy and bring you and yours much joy and happiness :)

So... what are YOU naming the baby? ;)

[luci]

I cut my mum out of my life altogether and I have to say the past 6 years have been great without her dragging me down. She was jelous of me and wanted to sabotage me which took me a while to realise. She even tried to convince me to abort my son! basically she mucked up her life and she didn't want to see me make a success of mine.

Had a similar problem with my mother in law after my son was born. She was trying to take my little one as her own. Took years to get her to realise her place I had to withhold contact with my son from her until she was ready to apologise, did it 4 times, the longest period was 6 months. That said it CAN be done. However the emotional struggle it takes is draining. You have to weigh up the positives against the negatives. Will yourlifebe better or worse ? Does she offer you any kind of useful support? You have a very understanding husband from what you have said you are very lucky to have that. Your life should be about your family unit and your happiness, anything trying to stop that needs to be cut out

[Col]

FISHMANPA :roflmao::roflmao: cyber slap upside the head - couldn't find a smily for that but found......:buttkick:

Seriously thank you kindly for your post. Yep comparing it to a friend , yes I certainly would stay away from a friend if they behaved like this. I think despite like you moving away from both parents areas there's a few things that have pulled me back to tolerating all this crap.
My mum OD - my brothers complete absence & having kids & also her great "im innocent" attitude. I think these are factors that have held our relationship together for this long.

You are very right though and I just needed to vent & work out what to do for the final time about all this & how to deal with HER PARTNER.

Thankyou xxxxxxxohh names we found out its a girls so , Hannah, Arriana, Harrissa, Sofia??
Hubby like Deana ???

LUCI LUCI - your situation different BUT also very very similar total total disrespect and totally playing with fire! My uni friend said my mum was jealous , I was taken aback by this, but soooo true! GOSH can't believe more unruly and quite frankly discusting female family members out there! You'd think my mum would have always treat me better following my brothers complete absence!
But every now & then - she just can't help being vile. 2 years ago my hubby took our daughter to my mums BBQ for her partners 50th - I was agrophobic at the time, now considering this women has had mental health issues herself, should therefore understand ( as mentioned above ), she had right face on I didn't attend the event, with hubby. When she called ke day after made out she was sooooo worried about me. Ha ha my husbands a lier then. Dont think so with her track record. Again I have to be united front as my brother doesn't bother as it is , soooo how does this look Collette not attending , also?
Wish I had your strength , I'm certainly going to adopt your nature , I've got to xxx
My life would be better & my parents have robbed me of my youth. Key events I can never re-live and years and years of stress which is exactly why I'm a NMP member my mum contributed massively, as did my dad to my breakdown 2011! I quit my post grad teaching course , I've never been myself since!
no she doesn't help either in support of any kind, I've got be careful letting her in anyway when she offers because she'll think she has even more of a right to interfere.
And then the opposite happens, Like summer hols she even said to my daughters face a week or 2 before the hols started " me and Steve will take u to zoo" - has she. NO. Now considering the history and naming my daughter you'd think she'd at least do stuff with kids with or without me ! No - it's all about what suits her at that particular moment. Everything is all about her. She doesnt work or do any hobbies , so proberbly spending her benefit money on more shows and clothes for her frequent nights out on the tiles???She's alright to let my daughter down though. If I did this to her she'd make it very very clear. Like that BBQ - she knew I wasn't going to attend considering how bad I was! Don't think she believed it all?
She's got one last chance to be honest it's going to head that way naturally I think my hubby won't tolerate any more even if I did!
Thanks soooo much guys Collette x

[Fishmanpa]

Thankyou xxxxxxxohh names we found out its a girls so , Hannah, Arriana, Harrissa, Sofia??
Hubby like Deana ???


All very nice names :) I'm a fan of Sofia Vergara so I'm kind of partial to Sofia but I like all of the choices. She'll tell you when she's born what fits best I'm sure.

[Col]

Ahhh glad u like them, I always go for slightly different names but Sofia is a beautiful name, like Sofia Lauren! Beautiful lady.

Yep I'm sure whenwe see her , we'll know.

Xxx

[Fishmanpa]

When my ex was pregnant with our 2nd child, we wanted to know the sex. The ultrasound showed what was very obviously a boy. Well... the angle at which the ultrasound was looking showed the umbilical chord as a little wee wee and I was convinced it was another boy. Imagine our surprise at HER birth! We didn't even have a name picked out! After a couple of days she became Sara and it fits her perfectly. I'm sure you'll know what fits her too.

On a side note. I always wanted a Pixie Bob cat. Finally, after many years I put a deposit on a kitten from an upcoming litter. I wanted a male and his name was going to be "Socrates". Well I got my boy and he's definitely a Socrates. He's actually sitting with me as I type this :)

Positive thoughts and prayers

[Col]

Ahhh I love cats, great name!

Ahh that's another on the list Sara, beutiful beutiful name. But my mums called Sharon, dads called Steve , my mums partners called Steve and I know someone evil whose another ' S'name - sooo Im trying to keep the names beginning with s to an absolute minimum. I know tht seems quite childish BUT my worst issues in life are with those with names beginning with S!!!!

Perhaps if I do name my daughter Sofia or Sara , it might cure my phobia of S names , I'm sure my bub will be beautiful in and out!

Weired u mention the baby gender thing people keep doubting I'm having a girl. My mum was saying something about your sure it's a girl I've bought all pink & me and hubby were discussing our pink purchases earlier today!

Ohhh well. I'll keep u posted xxxx