Getting angry with my anxiety

[phil6]

I did some good stuff yesterday... Was out all day miles away from home, with friends and coping with anxiety in an accepting way.
Today I have now sat with my anxiety... Churning stomach etc for most of the afternoon.
Compared to panic attacks, this is probably quite mild if I'm honest. But the thought side of it is torturous.
Eventually, I slip into the despair again and slip into the victim mode. I sound like I am in control or at least aware of all this but I am swept away eventually.
I stood up, ran out of the room and screamed and banged my fists down. The frustration and the anger is another emotion that has been mounting.
It frightens me and it frightens my wife.... I don't know why I allow myself to get so out of control. It only happens when I am at home and safe.
It's not fair on my wife who is my rock. She puts up with all this non stop anxiety talk and rants.
I keep saying, sorry... And calm down before promising not to get so upset again... A promise I have broken yet again.
Now I feel flat... And regretful. And really unsure if I will ever get better.
I am resolved to start again.... Try not to take this latest outburst as a sign of anything serious.
It almost as if like I push myself to see how far this will go... What will happen if I go the whole way, whatever that is.
But nothing really happens in the end apart from the feeling that you have to start again.
Why do I do this? How do you cope with a mind that continually wants to find a solution and when it fails, gets frustrated and wants to scream?

Phil

[HoneyLove]

Hi Phil, is anger a problem that you regularly have or is it just something that arose with this bout of anxiety?

Or is anger an emotion that you usually repress and don't allow yourself to feel?

You could try some methods to release the anger instead of letting it build up like that. Try writing out the angry thoughts instead, it's ok to feel negative and frustrated, let it all out on the page instead of trying to squash it down. You could also allow yourself to punch a pillow for a couple of minutes, release some of that frustration instead of letting it build up.

Are you seeing a counsellor about any of this?

[phil6]

Hi,
Yes I am getting councilling.
And no, I am the absolute opposite of an angry person. It's just the feeling that when I do my best to accept my anxious thoughts and feelings it sometimes feels that you should get a little reward with a bit of relief.
I suppose that's not really accepting is it!
Phil

[HoneyLove]

It sounds to me like impatience is getting the better of you, and that's understandable - many of us here are the same! It's difficult to feel anxious, and we all want that to end as soon as possible.

But remember it's going to take time, it's something you're going to have to keep working on. Be patient with yourself, and if you're getting frustrated then punch that pillow or take to a notebook before you reach boiling point!

Next time you're sitting with your stomach churning try a relaxation or breathing exercise, or distract yourself from the feeling with something that you enjoy.

[phil6]

Thanks Honeylove,
Of course you are right...I am very impatient.
I still spend too much time searching for the good feelings and when they come I hold on desperately to them.
I also spend way too much time watching myself... When I get a little low, the slightest feelings of anxiety can send my emotions in a downward spiral.
Yesterday, I allowed my anxiety to be there... I had to as I was a long way from home and with friends who are unaware of my disorder. It stayed with me for the morning with a few waves of panic but I did so well to just carry on and not react. By the late afternoon I was feeling pretty good about myself and my confidence rose. I was enjoying the day...
Waking this morning with all the old feelings was a bit of a low... Hence the rant.
I didn't practice in the same way because I was at home and could get upset...that's why.
I need to practice wherever I am... That's what I think niw.
Phil

[HoneyLove]

It sounds like you have a good understanding of yourself and your anxiety, and like you're really working hard to get better, and all of that will be key in your recovery. You'll come out much stronger and more in control of yourself & your emotions, you will feel empowered from all of it :)

Keep going, you're doing well, just be patient with yourself.

I know when you are with other people that it can be hard to do something about how you're feeling, so maybe use a quiet breathing exercise that no one will notice - breathe in for 7 counts and breathe out for 11 counts, and continue for a couple of minutes. No one will even see that you're doing this! It will change the levels of oxygen and carbon dioxide in your body in a way that will make you feel relaxed.

Morning is a tough time for a lot if anxiety sufferers. To combat this eat breakfast as soon as you can after you wake, get up around the same time every day and don't spend hours sleeping in. Above all don't lie there feeling anxious, sit up, write about how you're feeling (even if it's crap) in a notebook then get up and get on with your day. Don't dwell on it. Get moving :)

In time it will get easier and you'll hold onto the better feelings for longer. Make sure you try and give yourself hits of good hormones throughout the day, things that make you feel good will release endorphins in your body and help you sustain that good mood.

[phil6]

Thanks Honeylove.
Yes getting up in the morning is a big thing with me, and something I am addressing. I now rise on waking even if it's very early.. And after a drink with the lights on I will go back to bed if I feel o.k. and it's too early to remain up.
T think I must learn to accept at home as well as when I am out and about. Acceptance must pay off eventually, but you are right, I must allow time.
Thanks again.
Phil

[HoneyLove]

Wishing you well Phil, I think you'll be successful :)

One more thing! On bad mornings, before I get up, I listen to a stress relief hypnosis on my MP3 player and it can help a lot to relax out of a bad state of mind. It's a recording I got with a book called Control Stress by Phil McKenna - I put it on my MP3 player because it's better to listen to it with headphones in. You might want to give it, or something similar to it, a try.

[Fishmanpa]

Phil,

I don't know if it applies with anxiety disorders but being angry with your anxiety would seem pretty normal to me. After all, it's robbing you of living the way you want to live. I know, when I was diagnosed with cancer, I was scared but I was also pissed! After all the crap I had been through previously, I was just getting my life back in order and then cancer?! I used that anger as a catalyst for the fight ahead.

I definitely would discuss it with your therapist but perhaps you can use that anger the same way. Turn what may be considered a negative into a positive and use it to battle back at the beast called anxiety. Personally, I feel it's a good thing as it shows you want your life and control back. Sometimes you have to fight for what you want. Here's hoping you win the battle!

[Broken-doll]

I hear where you're coming from Phil, it is incredibly frustrating, especially at the times you feel like you're starting to make progress and something sets you back to square 1 again... It's like building a straw house that keeps blowing down in the wind and there's only so many times you can attempt to rebuild the house before you crack and lose the will to try again.
But we have to keep trying! Keep trying and don't lose hope and I know that's easier said than done...:) x

[Neurotic Nick]

Yup i hear ya, i sometimes think the frustration is actually worse than the anxiety itself...

Just a very silly suggestion i read in a book for releasing anger: throwing eggs at a bathtub or shower! Might let out some anger and make you laugh at the same time. Not that ive tried it, i cant do groceries by myself so eggs are a little too precious to me ;)

[Gingerspider]

Hi Phil, sorry to hear you are so frustrated, though I completely understand. Does your anxiety come in stages? Do you feel like you have overcome it in the past yet it's come back to bite you in the bum again, in a new and interesting way? Whenever I have 'overcome' mine and then got struck down again, I remember to myself that even though I feel weak and powerless, we are the complete opposite. The pain and frustration you go through is unimaginable to most, yet we deal with every day sometimes. You are strong, even stronger than you know it and the next time you start to feel frustrated, try concentrating instead on the fact you CAN get through it and every set back just makes you better equipt to deal with whatever life throws at you!. Positive vibes going your way!