View Full Version : Trying to Overcome Depression
I'm new to this board. I'm writing this because I feel like I haven't got the strength to carry on. I can't talk to anyone because I have a social phobia and find it impossible to speak. I've been feeling increasing depressed and have been hitting myself as a way of trying to cope with the mental pain I'm feeling but that just makes me feel more of a freak. I've had social phobia since the age of 12 (I'm now 35) and I've isolated myself from everyone because I can't cope with socialising. There was someone who cared about me and understood a long time ago but I've even made her hate me now. I feel selfish and guilty for thinking about killing myself because I know its the coward's way out but I can't see anything in the future except more hurting and I don't think I can take it anymore.
Rennie1989
10-07-04, 13:56
hiya briary
im so sorry to hear ur havin a bad time
by the way im Jade, 14, and i also have social phobia, it can take me a year or so to get to know sum1.
wats makin u feel suicidal, just the fact u find it hard to socialize???
there are loadz of peeps here who suffer the same as u, i even tried to commit suicide but i found a light at the uva end of the tunnel
welcome to the site anyway :D
Scooter Girl
if i wa hungry would u feed me, if i fell u you help me up, if i was crying would brush away my tears
silentcalligraph
10-07-04, 14:01
First of all: welcome! I'm sorry you feel so bad but by coming here and posting you've already made a huge and important first step - you are talking and socializing right now. That's a sign that no matter how you feel there's still strength left, and there's more where that is coming from. You have been coping for so long with an enormous amount of pain, you must be a very strong person.
You must feel horribly tired of it all and I can understand and sympathize. Many people here have gone through similar black holes or are just in the middle of one like you. We try to help each other as good as we can and I'm sure you'll find comfort and good advice (when you're ready) here and I'm also sure you'll be able to do the same for others.
I hope you'll stay with us and you'll manage to find strenght, comfort and hope here!
hi briary,
sorry to read that you are feelings so down, hopefully sharing your feeling with us has lifted you a little.
thats a long time to suffer. i know that emptiness and hurt that can be caused by social anxiety - but i wanted to try and offer you some hope, i was 36 when i started to recover and 2 1/2 years later, its a different better life.
keep in touch, you take care .......... andrew
hi briary,
Welcome aboard!! Sorry to hear that you have been feeling down. It sounds like you have been suffering and felt alone for a long time. It must be very difficult. But please don't give up - there's always something that you can do to make things better. even if it's just something small each day to show yourself that you can improve things. Please let us know how you are getting on. Take care.
Sarah (seh1980)
Thanks for the messages of support. I'm guess I'm feeling so bad at the moment because I don't think I'll ever have a normal life. I feel so alone and even my own family don't understand the problems I have speaking and being around other people. I've tried so many things in the past to try to conquer my fears but I always fail to make any progress. I'm more scared of having to talk to someone than I am of harming myself. No one can understand that.
I'm also feeling really bad about myself at the moment because of the feelings I have for another woman. She was my tutor at college when I was 16. She tried to help me and is really the only person who has ever accepted me for who I am. She didn't mind if I had to communicate with her by writing and never pressured me to talk if I found it too difficult. I fell in love with her when I was at college and the college authorities tried to keep me away from her. They sent me to a psychiatrist who said it would be better if I didn't see her. I didn't cope too well and tried to kill myself on two occasions. Eventually I had to leave. I kept in touch with her afterwards and she did write back to me a couple of times but we lost touch when she moved. I guess I should've taken the hint then but I recently found her again and started writing to her again. She didn't reply and eventually sent a letter to my friend. She asked her to stop me writing saying I had effectively been stalking her. I feel disgusted with myself for making her feel like that. I didn't want to hurt her but now I've made her hate me. She is the only person I've ever felt close to and her opinion of me is still very important to me. I hate myself for behaving in this way. I can't cope now I've lost her forever. I know it sounds stupid to still feel this way about someone I haven't even seen in such a long time but I have no hope for the future anymore. I know I should move on and get over her but I think about her all the time and now I'm having nightmares every night. Everything just keeps going round and round in my head.
Hi briary sorry to hear your not doing too good, you've already shown a great deal of courage to come here and by doing so you have shown us all that you DO have strength to carry on and get better.There is so much in your posts that like others i can relate to, i too have social anxiety and understand how hard it is to try and talk to people. As you said it is easier to write down how you are feeling and by doing it in this way it does not have to be done in person so i hope sharing your feelings on here does help, everybody is very supportive. There is always hope even though there are times when it may seem hidden, positive thinking and small steps each day can help to bring some of the hope back.
Take care
Sam
Positive thinking is the key to success!
hi briary,
im so sorry that you are hurting so much. your suffering has lasted for so long you must be at the point where you think there is no hope. but there is, you've found it here. please believe me that most people on here have felt as desperate as you are feeling at some point, and everyone will help and support you
you have made a giant step coming on here and i know it was probably hard to do, but you did it....
nobody here thinks you are a freak cos we've all been at that low point ourselves,
please keep posting
xxx grace
dear briary, i am so sorry to hear you are so down - a lot of us are or have been that low you are not stupid for having any of your feelings, we understand, you have taken the first step by joining this site, you will find so much support here, keep in touch.
Thanks for the support. I guess I just think I'm being stupid for feeling sorry for myself. I've had depression on and off for so long I should know by now that it's not easy to come through it. I'm just so used to people telling me to 'pull myself together'. I get annoyed with myself for feeling suicidal when I know I can't hurt other people by doing anything about it. I've tried to kill myself in the past when I was younger but since promising my tutor not to try again I've taken up self harm as a way of coping instead, not that it helps in the long run.
I just feel I can't stay at the point where I am anymore, I have to move forward or I'm going to drown. I've tried to conquer my social phobia in the past but have been too scared to take the risks necessary to make any progress. If only I could talk to people I'm sure my life would improve and I could maybe tackle my other problems. I don't know how to even start to try to fight it. Whenever I'm in a situation with people (which I usually avoid) I always end up running from my fears.
Hi
Never feel you are stupid and feeling sorry for yourself. You are having a bad time and have suffered alone for a long time now.
You found someone who you thought understood you, which no doubt she did, but very unfortunately for you she couldnt give you the 100% support you need. Although i am sure she did try and when you were close to her, remember those times and use them as a positive step forward. Take that on board that you could get close to her, even though suffering a social phobia, so shows you can do it again.
It wont always end in tears i can assure you that, however bleak it seems.
You are making a brilliant step forward talking to us, so be proud of yourself for that.
Anything we can do to help, we will.
Take care.
Love Sal xxxxxx
Thanks Sal. I know I probably expected too much from my ex tutor when it wasn't her responsibility to help me. She did what she could at the time and her life has moved on. I'm the one still caught in a time warp. She is still very important to me but I'm probably not thinking straight at the moment. Thanks to the help here I've gone through today without acting on my thoughts of suicide and not doing anything worse than hitting myself a few times. I just hope tomorrow is better because I felt so close to ending it all today.
hi briary
well done for getting through today. i know things are really dark for you now but you have proved to yourself that you have the strenth to get through this one day at a time.
im glad that posting on here has given you some help as im sure it will in the future.
this is a really good place to be, everybody here cares about what happens to you.
i hope you have a better day tomorrow
xxx grace
Hi Briary,
Its so hard wanting the contact with people but not allowing yourself to break through that fear.
Writing is an excellent way to start to make the changes, write to get to know people, write to share, write to off load, write to self express.
There are so many ways to communicate now which are non verbal - just look at how kids communicate - by text . Ask any teenage boy who is painfully shy they'll tell you email and text have revolutionized their worlds- for the better .
You could get used to growing a circle of these people that you don't have to meet or speak to and build some confidence up.
Meanwhile slowly start talking in throw away conversation situations like telesales chats, shop assistants. People who won't remember you from the next person.
As for the tutor- you can cope - you did cope when you were previously out of touch and you can again. Its very difficult when there is only one person you trust but one can become two and so forth.
Its great in a way because it does show you do have capacity to communicate and get close to people..
How much do you see and talk with your family ?
Any medical involvement now ?
Meg
Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind.
If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.
Robert Albert Bloch
Hi Meg
Thanks for the words of encouragement and advice. I'm still here so somehow I've got through the last couple of days. I don't know how. There have been times when I've really wanted to just give in but that's taking the easy way out.
I do see my family but I can't talk to them about how I'm feeling. I've been told in the past that they're part of the problem. My father is very domineering and has to control everyone. Both of my parents used to constantly put me down and criticise me when I was younger and I've felt rejected by them both. When I can't talk they think I'm doing it on purpose and to get attention. They were very disapproving of the fact that I developed feelings for my ex-tutor because they thought it was disgusting that I could be in love with another woman. My father went to hit me but my mum stopped him. That was a long time ago but I hide my feelings from them now. It's easier now I've moved out because they used to search my room when I lived at home and I couldn't keep anything secret.
I'm not receiving any medical treatment at the moment. I can't face going to the doctors. I had a really nice doctor but I moved last year and had to change surgery. I don't know the new doctors well enough to trust any of them. I know I'd be unable to speak. I know I need some help because the last time I felt this bad I tried to kill myself twice and I feel I need to take some control of my life. I don't want to see a psychiatrist again because I've seen several in the past and they just expect me to talk and we end up spending the whole session in silence and then they say I obviously don't want to get better. I was considering trying to find a private therapist but don't know the best way to find a good one. The cost could be a factor too because I'm not working at the moment.
Briary
Sorry to have to post on this again but I've had a really bad day again. I thought I actually had something to look forward to this morning because the one friend I have was coming to see me. It gave me something to focus on. I waited all day and she didn't come. I got more and more upset as the day passed and the more upset I got the more I wanted to do myself some damage. I was angry with myself for getting into such a state. I thought she didn't want to see me. Why would she? I'm depressed all the time and it can't be very nice for her. I started self harming and couldn't stop. Just kept doing it over and over again. I wanted to punish myself for the thoughts I was having but I also wanted to stop feeling anything but physical pain. But it didn't help. I still felt bad. I felt so bad I didn't want to carry on. I felt I wanted to end it all. I got as far as gathering all the pills I had in the house and counting them all out. I even took a few.
Then I had a call from my friend. Something had happened and she hadn't been able to come. It was some sort of emergency. I hate myself for getting so worked up. She doesn't let me down and I should've known there would be a reasonable explanation.
I think I'm losing it big time. I can't cope with the depression. I can't get help because I can't talk about it and I can't stop thinking about my former tutor. I can't sleep because everytime I go to sleep I have a nightmare - the same recurring nightmare. I don't know what to do. Can anyone help?
You felt let down by your friend and then turned the anger and frustration on yourself as you ' beat yourself up ' and insisted to yourself that it was about you and how you are.
The reality was that it had nothing to do with you or how you are at all. It was her emergency.
It would have been nice of her to call and let you know earlier - would have saved you a lot of pain and turmoil.
Have you rearranged with her to meet again ?
What do you think you could do or who do you think you could see to take your focus off yourself so much and to get some help to deal with these issues ?
Meg
Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind.
If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.
Robert Albert Bloch
Thanks for your reply Meg. I have seen my friend today. She said she felt really bad that she hadn't called when she couldn't see me because she knew I'd be upset. I know it wasn't her fault and she didn't do it on purpose to hurt me. The thing is that no matter what happens I always end up turning it on myself and blaming myself. I think everything that goes wrong it my fault.
I've been feeling so depressed recently and have been self harming daily and have been feeling suicidal. I know I need to get some help but I don't really know where to turn. I don't want to go to the doctor because I can't talk to him and I don't just want more antidepressants again and to be sent to another psychiatrist. I can never talk to them and never feel comfortable with them because they are always men and I feel very uncomfortable in that situation. I don't know where else to turn to. I thought about trying to find a private therapist but I don't know what sort I should look for and I am not working so money is an issue.
I'm feeling so ashamed because I just can't get out of this hole that I'm in. I feel so bad again today that I don't think I can cope with it anymore. My life is a mess and I can't do anything right. I hate myself for feeling this way but right now the thought of going to sleep and never waking up again seems a better option than living. It would be better for everyone if I wasn't here.
Dear Briary,
You know from what you write that this depression and dispair is mostly caused by the way you treat yourself
The thing is that no matter what happens I always end up turning it on myself and blaming myself. I think everything that goes wrong it my fault.
You have taught yourself to think completely negatively. Most people with anxiety , panic and depression do this in some form. Your speciality is loading yourself up with thoughts about self worth or lack of it . These are just thought processes and based on no evidence at all. You also are reiterating and trying to justify this with your self harm.
You know that many many people have been like this and with time have fully recovered as you can do too..
I think the idea of a therapist is a very good one . There is likely to be a woman doctor in your practice you could see even if she is not your own doctor. You could ask for a referral to the community mental health team and often they send out a nurse to assess you long before psychs are involved .
At any time you can ring NHS direct and ask them for help and advice
0845 4647 .
The Samaritans are on 08457 909090. I rung them a lot to get me through panic attacks. You can also email the Samaritans now .
There is no shame in being depressed and struggling to get yourself out of it . Millions of people will go through a stage like this. Being alone will not help very much as it gives you time and space to ruminate about your issues.
I look forward to hearing from you tomorrow. Please look after yourself and comfort yourself as you would look after a close friend who came to you in times of trouble .
Love
Meg
Hi Meg,
Thanks so much for replying last night. I was really at the end of my tether and seriously contemplating killing myself. Somehow I stopped myself. I emailed The Samaritans last night. I really wanted to talk to someone but couldn't bring myself to phone, just the thought of it started a panic attack. It's so difficult not being able to verbalise my feelings because I can't get the help I need.
I know I think in a totally negative way. I just feel I've let so many people down and let myself down so many times. I don't have any self worth and do hate myself - that's why I really don't care what I do to myself. I feel I deserve it.
Unfortunately, there isn't a female doctor at my practice and I feel too ashamed to admit any of what I'm feeling to any of the doctors there.
I feel like I'm grieving for my former tutor, even though it's not as if she's died. I know I've lost touch with her before but at least I knew she cared about me. I knew she liked me, even if I didn't like myself. When I found her again I felt so happy to know she was close by. It was a comfort to know she was there, even if I didn't see her. She's been my rock, my security and my life. I know because I've not even seen her for so long that I have perfected the image I have of her. It may not be true to life but to me she is a perfect person. She is everything I want and everything I need and I can't let go of that. I'm distraught that I've hurt her and made her hate me. I care more than anything else what she thinks about me and if she thinks I'm not worth bothering with, she must be right. Without her I'm nothing.
Briary
Rennie1989
17-07-04, 14:03
briary
have u been feelin ok every since u made this topic
Scooter Girl
if i wa hungry would u feed me, if i fell u you help me up, if i was crying would brush away my tears
No. I'm stuck in a cycle of self harming and thinking about suicide. It's only feeling guilty about leaving others to pick up the pieces that's stopped me. I feel I deserve to hurt myself more than hurt anyone else.
nomorepanic
17-07-04, 14:45
<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">No. I'm stuck in a cycle of self harming and thinking about suicide. It's only feeling guilty about leaving others to pick up the pieces that's stopped me. I feel I deserve to hurt myself more than hurt anyone else.
<div align="right">Originally posted by briary - 17 July 2004 : 14:12:35</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">
Briary
Hurting yourself is going to hurt those that you love even more cos they will feel responsible for it.
My best mates mum killed herself and believe me the guilt that is left behind can destroy families. Please don't do that to them - you all deserve so much more.
Please try to get some help to get you over this and get your life back on track.
We will support you here all we can but you also need to take control of your own life and take whatever help you can to get through this.
I wish you were cured now and felt so much more better, but I know I can't do that but we can be here for you too.
Take care
Nicola
I know killing myself would hurt the people left behind that's why I've been trying to stop myself. I don't want to hurt anyone else. I take it out on myself more, including self harm. I do want to get help - I know I need it, I'm just too scared. Pathetic isn't it.
Glad to hear from you Briary
I do want to get help - I know I need it, I'm just too scared. Pleased to hear too that you want help - just which option to take .
You could call NHS direct and see what they suggest, you could go to a A+E dept or you could go to you GP and ask for a referral to a woman on the community mental health team.
You also do not deserve to be treated as you're treating yourself. In no situation does hurting something make it heal or get better , so you are limiting your possibilities of recovery by constantly hurting yourself.
I don't have any self worth and do hate myself - this can be completely reversed with therapy and possibly medication.
I know I think in a totally negative way. This is the key to helping to solve your issues. Try to start by talking to yourslef in the same way as you would someome you really cared about and wanted to help .
thinking about suicide - these are thoughts not instructions. We all think about things but they are just that , they are not instructions.
The grief for your former tutor is understandable and normal. She probbaly doesn't hate you at all but maybe finds you quite intense and people draw back from that .
The reality is that you have been ok without seeing her previously and can be again. You are so right in your
conclusiosn about having almost built her up to an idol to you. If you were to se eher you might be quite disappointed in the real thing now.
You do not need her approval - thats created in your mind alone .
I do hope that you've managed to get out and not be indoors alone all day. Go for a walk and look at the details of plants and people and animals around you .
Have you heard back from the Samaritans yet ?
Take care Briary.
Love
Meg
Hello Meg
I do realise all the suggestions you make for me to get some help are sensible, I just don't think I can do any of them. To call NHS direct I have to make a phone call and talk to someone. I have the same problem with the A&E dept, because again they're strangers. I also don't know any of the doctors at my GP surgery. I do know this sounds really pathetic. I can't talk to any of them. I would rather continue hurting myself than have to face talking to them. If only it was possible to communicate completely by writing I'd be fine; if I didn't have to see anyone or talk to anyone. I'm so tired, maybe I haven't got the strength left to fight this anymore. Maybe I'm a lost cause.
I think my former tutor probably regrets the day she ever met me. She did care about me and want to help me at one point but I'm sure she didn't expect I'd still feel the same after so many years. I know I have relied on her too much; have thought she could make everything alright. I seem to be unable to move on from this. I just feel that now I've lost her it's pushed me over the edge. I have had other periods of depression since the time I last saw her and I did cope but this is the worst I've felt since having to leave college. At least then I knew she didn't think badly of me. This difference this time is that I know it's final. I know there's no chance of ever having any contact with her again and it ended on such bad terms. I really regret my actions and wish I could tell her that I'm sorry. I wish she knew I didn't mean to hurt her because that's the last thing in the world that I want.
Sorry, I haven't managed to go anywhere today. The weather here rather reflects my current mood - dark and depressing. It's been raining and storming all day. I haven't got any energy anyway. I was awake most of last night and when I slept I had the dream again.
I haven't heard from the Samaritans.
Thanks again for talking to me. I know it must be very frustrating trying to get through to me because I am too scared to do anything except be on my own and hurt myself. It helps to know you're trying though.
Briary
Caz Fab Pants
17-07-04, 22:55
Briary,
After reading your story I've got so much I want to ask you but dont want to pry too much.
Cant help wondering if there is an underlying issue causing alot of your social problems and if this is the case then surely it would help you to address this problem with a councillor. Even if you have to write down the answers to the questions, I think just sitting in the same room would be a positive starting point.
You wont need to pay for this but you will need to get a referral from your GP. However, dont start panicking, all you have to do is write a letter explaining your dilema and I'm sure you wont have to wait long for an appointment.
I think meeting with a real person rather than communicating via a computer would help to break down some of your barriers. It would give you a release too because you would be sharing your thoughts with a professional who would also be able to give you some great advice.
Keep in touch and think about all the positive replies people have made here. You are a worth while person who deserves a life.
Caroline :)
x
Hi Caroline
Thanks for your kind reply. I don't mind you asking me questions. I feel totally comfortable talking about things through writing, it's just verbal communication that I find impossible.
Are you saying I could get a referral by writing a letter to my gp without having to see him? I could do that, I just can't contemplate having to go into the surgery.
I do appreciate all the positive replies I've received and I feel bad because I'm still feeling so negative about myself.
Briary
You could write to your GP , explain your situation and see what response that brings.
Does you practice have a practice nurse , could you talk to her initially in person or over the phone.
Some GP sugeries now take email requests. These are not usually consults but specific requests ie repeat scrips , supplies etc but you could try that route.
Being negaitive about yourself will not change overnight, its a process.
A book you could read is 'what to say when you talk to yourself ' by Shad Helmsletter or Climbing out of depression ' Sue Atkinson.
Try to watch something funny on Tv/ video plus doing some exercise.
Meg
Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind.
If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.
Robert Albert Bloch
Hi Meg
I am going to write to my gp and explain things that way. I don't think he'll do anything without seeing me but I'll try this way and see if he'll make a referral without me having to talk to him. I know I can't go on like this.
I had another bad night because of the recurring dream I find so upsetting. I can't sleep because I have this dream every night, at least once. I feel so stupid getting upset over bad dreams. I just feel exhausted, emotionally and physically. I'll try to do some exercise though.
Thanks for your reply. I don't know what I'd have done over the last week without everyones support.
Briary
Nightmares are awful as you have so little control over them and it does make going to sleep a horrid experience .
Counselling or hypnotherapy would help but I know that its outside your comfort zone at present.
Let us know how that goes.
Meg
Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind.
If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.
Robert Albert Bloch
I wrote a letter to my gp yesterday and posted it through the door before I changed my mind. I was surprised to get a message this morning (I couldn't answer the phone). It was the doctor saying he couldn't do anything til I go and see him. I explained everything in my letter why I didn't feel able to go in.
I got in a bit of a state and phoned my friend. She said she'd ring the surgery for me which she did. But the dr is adamant that either I go in or he won't do anything.
Doesn't anyone realise how difficult it is to do that. I put my whole story in the letter. I don't see why I need to go in. I want to get help but they make it so difficult.
I can't see how I can go forward from here now. I'm now feeling worse than I was before and feeling more like my only way out is to end it all.
Briary
Hello Briary,
Would you feel more comfortable with your GP visiting you at home?
If so, either contact him youself or ask your friend to, and arrange for a home visit.
He should be prepared to do this in view of your problems.
Let us know what you decide to do.
Kate x
Hi Kate
Thanks for the suggestion about the home visit but it's not going to the surgery itself that's the problem, its seeing him at all. I am extremely uncomfortable with men and can't face having to struggle trying to talk to him when I know I can't. The thought of that is worse than anything else I can imagine and I know that probably sounds really pathetic to anyone else.
I can't cope anymore. I can't stop self harming since this happened today. I just feel I have to keep hitting myself over and over again. I'm really struggling with thoughts of killing myself. I can't see any way out of this.
Briary
Hello Briary,
Let me firstly tell you that none of your problems sound pathetic to me.
I have got some extremely strange fears, which I would think sounded pathetic as well!
Anyway, I assume that you have no female doctors at your practise?
If this is the case, contact, either yourself or ask your friend to do it, your local Mental Health Team, number will be in the phone book.
All the proffesionals I saw at mine were female.
They are there to support you in times of crisis and will offer you lots of advise.
Let us know how you get on
Kate x
Briary,
Good for you for writing that letter and I'm pleased it got a response so quickly even if it wasn't the answer you wanted.
I'm glad that that you are trying to get some help. We will find a way for you- just means searching about a bit more for the information and avenue that will work for you .
What about a consult with the practice nurse ? Almost guaranteed to be a female .
NHS direct is virtually all female too and if you should happen to get a man you can hang up and try again. Could your friend be there with you whilst you ring ?
Alternatively, there is a mental health crisis line for each county. Could you tell me either here on in a PM which county you are in and I can get you in touch with further avenues of help that are close to you.
I hope you can find it within yourself to talk to a woman even if its very limited in nature initially.
Meg
Hi Meg & Kate
Thanks for your replies.
Meg - My friend asked about the nurse but was told I would have to see the doctor. I am in East Sussex.
Briary
Hi Briary,
It's so difficult not being able to verbalise my feelings because I can't get the help I need I know you find it so hard to discuss your feelings but in order to get the help you need , could you write down some facts and read them to someone on the phone as though it isn't about you somehow.
You don't need to go into your feelings- just some facts about how low you are, your self harm and that you need help and cannot see a man.
One way to miss your GP and get help is to get a nurse assessment on NHS direct and you can request a female nurse. You could do this via your friend acting as a go between so you don't actually have to do the speaking into the phone. You already have that number .
East Sussex community mental health teams
Brighton : 01273 749800
Sussex Downs : 01892 669393
Inland E Sussex : 01323 440022
Sometimes you can get them to work backwards ie see you first then tell your GP later and get a referral.
You could also write to your PCT and ask them to change your GP to the nearest female one in your area but that won't happen quickly or help you immediately but is an idea for when you feel able to do that .
I really do hope that you can grit your teeth and make a call to get yourself some help or ask you Mum or friend to assist you .
Your local samaritans is 01273 772277
Meg
Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind.
If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.
Robert Albert Bloch
Hi Briary,
you will get through this somehow. Take Meg's advice if you can't face your doctor. the first step is the hardest,
thinking of you,
love Tess xx
Hello Meg
Thanks for your help and advice earlier. Sorry if I worried anyone, I was in a bad way after the response from my doctor. It's part of the reason I didn't want to go down that route, I knew he'd insist on seeing me and I knew I couldn't do that with the way I've been feeling.
I phoned my friend and she came round to be with me. I didn't want to tell her how bad I was feeling because I didn't want to worry her. I'd come really close to taking an overdose. I'd collected all the pills I had and counted them out. I didn't know how to cope anymore.
I'd also had an email back from the Samaritans. It is good to hear that someone cares enough to respond but it's almost like they were telling me it was okay to kill myself if that's what I wanted to do. It probably wasn't meant like that but that's what I felt.
In the end my friend phoned NHS Direct for me. I had tried writing what I wanted to say to try reading it as you suggested. I even dialled the number a couple of times but when someone answered I panicked and put the phone down. Anyway, my friend phoned for me but they said I should go to see my doctor. My friend explained why I couldn't do that so they said they'd get a doctor to phone. But when the doctor phoned my friend said it was a man who suggested coming out but I couldn't cope with that. When he asked if I'd had thoughts of suicide I told me friend to say no. I was scared what he would do as he had my address. I know I shouldn't have done that but I don't want to be sent to a hospital or anything. I would definitely kill myself if they tried to do that.
By this time I was really desperate and my friend and I started looking a private counsellors. It will be a strain financially but at least I'd feel I have more control, when I don't feel I have control over anything else at the moment. My friend phoned a few female counsellors who either couldn't see me very quickly or my friend didn't think I'd feel comfortable with (she knows me very well and knows how I'd react). Eventually we found one who my friend said sounded really nice and she has juggled things around so she can see me tomorrow.
I feel emotionally completely drained after the events of today and I just hope that this can offer me some help. The counsellor has agreed that my friend can come with me for the first appointment which is a great comfort to me.
I just want to say thank you for all the support you've all given me here. I don't think I'd have coped without it. I know I still have a long way to go.
Hi Briary
Hon you are really going through it. I hope the counsellor tomorow can shed some like on how you are feeling.
You have a great friend supporting you there and remember that. You deserve it.
You have obviously hit the end of the road but tomorrow you will get the support you need. Be honest and open and lets hope it help you.
We are all here for you whatever ok hon.
Take care.
Lots of love Sal xxxxx
Hey Briary ,
A step forward...
Look forward to hearing how that goes. Be honest with her or she won't be able to help you .
Take good care
Meg
Hi Meg
I've just come back from my first counselling session. I feel really bad about yesterday but I was in a bad way. I felt a bit better when we'd got this appointment sorted out for today because I couldn't carry on the way I was.
It was very nerve wracking and I didn't get any sleep last night. I just lay in bed all night worrying but with my friend's support I got to the appointment today.
The counsellor seems very nice. I was not really able to talk very much and sometimes my friend was able to answer for me but then the counsellor allowed me to write the answers to her questions. There's too much stuff going on in my head to get through in one session but I did admit to the self harming I've been doing. I also admitted to having thoughts of suicide but I was afraid to admit to how close I came to acting on them. Maybe as I begin to trust her more. It is very difficult for me to trust someone.
I'm feeling exhausted today but a little better than yesterday now I feel I might be able to get the help I need. I know it will be a long road to recovery but at least now although I still feel like ending my life, I am not in the situation I was yesterday and don't at the moment feel I am going to act on it. At least I feel I have taken a small step towards taking control of my life.
Briary
Dear Briary ,
Well done for going and sticking it out when it was very painful to do so .
I can totally understand about not trusting her straight off and
I think you did very well indeed on your first visit .
The writing certainly seems to suit you best.
When are you seeing her next ?
Will you continue to email the samaritans too. Their policy is to be very non judgemental so I guess it could come across as being passive and not 'telling' you that that is a wrong move. Its another source of support you can access.
In writing you can also try one of the self harm alliances that do email support.
Apart from trying to rest and sleep what are you going to be doing in the next few days to distract yourself from all these horrible thoughts.
Being constantly home alone may not be a cheerful and positive choice and you so need to give yourself an opportunity to lift your spirits even for a moment at a time.
Take care
Meg
Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind.
If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.
Robert Albert Bloch
Hi Meg
Thanks for the words of encouragement. I feel totally washed out after the last couple of days, going through so many emotions.
I have another appointment to see the counsellor next week. She's a hypnotherapist and I'm hoping she may be able to help with my social phobia as well as the depression. This is a type of therapy I haven't tried in the past so I'm hoping it might work better for me.
I have still been emailing the Samaritans. I wasn't in the best frame of mind when I interpreted their response as encouraging me to kill myself. I realise it is their policy to be non judgemental. I still feel I need all the help I can get at the moment, especially when it feels safe for me to write how I'm feeling as opposed to talking about it.
I will look into a self harm alliance.
I'm not sure what I'm going to do in the next few days to try to distract myself. My therapist asked me to try to go out for a walk every day so I will try to do that. The problem is that I really only have one friend and seeing her helps distract me from my thoughts but the rest of the time I am alone and find negative thoughts going round and round in my head.
The therapist also asked me to keep a journal so she'll have a better idea of how I'm feeling as it is so difficult for me to talk.
I am feeling a bit better today even though it has been a difficult day. I just hope I can sleep better tonight, and maybe not have the recurring nightmare again.
Briary
Hi Briary
So pleased you got to see your counsellor. Like you say it is too much in one appointment to trust and tell her how you feel. But hopefully in time you will trust her and find her a great and beneficial support.
You know on this site you will get all the site you need and whatever you say or feel will never be judged.
I am not sure if it will help but i have done a lot of indepth work on self harm and any time i can help i will. Not only have i done the work i have experienced some horrific cases and understood them, when we have talked about it.
Email me anytime you want to talk and i will help if i can.
Until you see your counsellor again keep leaning on us and we all will help as much as we can. You are not alone now, you have us all and your friend who seems to be a gaurdian angel for you.
She obviously cares and loves you loads, so hold on to that. Dont lose site of how she would feel if you werent there for her to help you.
Keep in touch and keep up the good work you have done this last few days. We all know it isnt easy but with support and caring people, you will get through this.
Love Sal xxxxxx
Hi Meg & Sal
Thank you for your message Sal. I don't think I'd still be here now if it wasn't for the support I've received from everyone here.
It was certainly a relief to have taken the first step towards receiving help with my problems, although it was also very scary. I have caused another problem for myself by going to a private therapist because it's expensive but I was desperate for help and this was the only way I felt able to go about getting that help. I'm not sure I'm going to be able to afford to see her as often as I really need but I felt she is someone I might learn to trust with time. I hope you all don't get fed with me posting in between seeing her. I still feel I need that support but I feel bad asking. I also felt more in control of the situation than when I've been to see psychiatrists in the past and that is important to me because I don't feel I've had control over much in my life.
I'd hoped I might sleep better last night but I didn't. In fact I only had a couple of hours sleep again. I'm still being haunted by this nightmare I keep dreaming every night. It's left me feeling low again this morning. I just wish it would stop.
Briary
Hi Briary,
Great to have you feeling a bit lighter in mood.
I wondered whether Liz Stimpy's starworker network might be a resource you could access without a direct GP referral. I think a CPN would also be good in time as actual psychiatrists can be soo judgemental early on and be very directional and pushy in how they communicate. ( Not all)
Maybe you cannot see her as often but the crucial bit is to continue even if infrequently until you can see you path ahead.
The nightmare is likely to reocur whilst you're still having those issues at the front of your mind. Try to watch/ listen to comedy as much as possible to get some endorphins going as well as some real exercise.
I hope you are eating reasonably too. You may find a relaxation CD at bedtime helps you drift off.
When you next see her do tell her about this nightmare and she'll try to help with that early on.
Meanwhile you can think the nightmare through but change the end to something happier. Make this version as detailed as possible and whenever it comes in your mind insist on thinking the happier version.
It may not take it away but it may help make it less intense . Nightmares and night panics are from the subconcious.
If you haven't already then do start writing - write what ever comes into your mind . It really does relieve the pressure.
Hope the Samaritans are quick to reply..
You take care and do get out for some fresh air and change of scenary.
Do keep posting here .. we are here for support.
Meg
Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind.
If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.
Robert Albert Bloch
Hi Meg
Thanks for your reply. You mentioned Liz Stimpy's starworkers network. Can you tell me what this is? To get a CPN I need to go through my gp don't I? I'm still not ready for that. I definitely don't want a psychiatrist. Too many bad experiences.
The therapist knows that I'm having this recurring nightmare as my friend explained to her. I have got to write about the details of the dream for when I see her next week. I do try to think about a nice ending rather than the horrible events that occur in my dream. I still have the nightmare though and it is always the same.
Briary
Create the dream in vivid colour 3 d details with the better ending and really imagine this version only whilst you're awake . It will help the nighmare with time.
I'll PM Liz and ask her to post here as she's the expert on this .
Normally for CPN you need to go through a GP but sometimes if you contact them directly on one of the numbers I gave you and explain why you cannot viist the GP they may make an exception- not unknown .
Have you started writing yet ?
What have you been up to ?
Meg
Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind.
If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.
Robert Albert Bloch
Hi Meg
Thanks for sending PM to Liz, I can do with all the help I can get with this. The lack of sleep and emotions caused by this dream really aren't helping my depression.
I have started writing. In fact, there are so many feelings and thoughts going round in my head that it's difficult to stop writing about them. I feel I've got years of feelings I've been trying to surpress that I need to bring out into the open. It makes me realise how screwed up I am. I'm feeling I've slipped back again a bit since Tuesday and I'm struggling a bit again. I've emailed the Samaritans again and I'm trying to hold it all together. I've given in to the need to harm myself again but I suppose it's better doing that than being on the edge of overdosing again. I know self harm is a coping mechanism, just not a very productive one.
I've been trying to keep myself busy to stop myself thinking too much but it's not easy to stop my inner voice saying all these negative things when I'm alone. During the day I manage better but it's the evenings and nights that are the worst times. There's not much I can do then to try and distract myself. I have taken your suggestion of joining one of the self harm support forums and was posting on there most of last night. I don't know if it's that good for me though because it makes me feel more hopeless because I don't know what to say to the other people who place messages and I don't want to be just asking for support all the time. I know it has to be a two way thing but I'm having a hard enough time holding myself together and am worried I'll say the wrong thing and make things worse for someone else.
Briary
Briary,
I have started writing. In fact, there are so many feelings and thoughts going round in my head that it's difficult to stop writing about them This is really good. A bit of cathartic therapy for you.
It makes me realise how screwed up I am. Nearly every person has their issues and its not about judging how ' screwed up ' anyone is but is about trying to slowly unravel yourself. Most people are not as screwed up as they actually think.
'stop my inner voice saying all these negative things when I'm alone' This is so hard . We've all been there and the long term solution is to learn to change those thoughts from really negative ones to realistic ones but distraction is a great solution meanwhile.
I don't want to be just asking for support all the time. I know it has to be a two way thing No it doesn't . This is just support and help for you at present. When you're better then you can go back and help others.
Do you use the library and read. That can be good during the night , or funny vids.
Meg
Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind.
If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.
Robert Albert Bloch
Hi Meg
I had about 4 hours sleep last night which is quite good for me at the moment, although of course I'm still having the nightmare and couldn't sleep again once it woke me up. I do like reading and tried to read for a while but I still felt too tired to read even though I couldn't sleep. I watched a video for a while.
I'm still feeling quite low today but I've been out for a walk today to the seafront and I sat on the beach for a while. Although I'm feelings low the fact that the sun is shining somehow makes it a bit easier not to get to the low point I was at a few days ago. When the weather is really miserable it makes me feel even worse, silly as it may sound.
It is helping me to be able to talk here because I feel so alone most of the time. I do see my friend sometimes and she has been a lifesaver for me. I don't want to burden her too much because she's said she worries when I tell her how bad I'm feeling because she doesn't know what to say or do. I've told her that just listening and not judging me helps a lot but she still worries. I have to hide my feelings from my family because they don't understand so I have to pretend that I'm okay and happy but it is so difficult. Sometimes I wish I had someone who would sit with me and hold my hand when I feeling bad. I wish I had someone who would hug me when I cry and who was there just for me. I wish I had someone there when I wake up in the morning and to cuddle up to at night but I don't think that will ever happen. Although I feel I want and need those things, I'm not very comfortable with physical contact. It is really stupid to want something that makes me feel uncomfortable at the same time. I suppose I really wish I was a different person althogether because I don't like me very much.
Briary
Hi Briary,
What good news and progress on sleeping a bit more last night.
How lovely to be near the seaside, you can walk along and have a good scream and shout if yuu feel the need and noone will know and you won't disturb anyone ...
There is a huge amount of clinical study data now that demonstrates that peoples spirits are lifted when the sun is out and that Seasonal Affective Disorder really does exist.
You can post and talk here - glad its helping .
I can understand about not wanting to over burden your friend.
It is scary for people when someone talks of suicide as they don't know how to help or where to turn to and its someone they are very fond of whos life is under discussion and sends shivers down the spine.
It a shame that you cannot be a bit more open with your family. Again, talk of suicide would be very hard for them to handle- you are their daughter - but to be able to share some of the daily ups and downs and visit when you need some company may be a great help to you in itself. It also takes the focus off you and you can get involved in other things.
I understand your yearning for closeness with someone else. If everyone was honest I think you'll find that is what most people want for themselves too but find it hard to either find that relationship or sustain it. Never say never- you may change yourself into being more comfortable with contact.
One man I know with a pronounced stutter and wouldn't make social contact was quite similar and he is currently overcoming his need for contact by having medium term u-date email relatioinships and getting a lot from those and recently went out and met one of the girls. It seemed to go ok so far , he thinks as they got to know each other slowly and he warned her about his stutter that she was prepared and not judgmental and although he was very aware when he stumbled, it didn't seem to put her off their supper and they have met since.
He isn't pinning any hopes on it but after a few months he is still enjoying the daily emails and occassional meet up .. not for everyone but we do have some new opportunities these days to reach out and have contact.
Meg
Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind.
If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.
Robert Albert Bloch
Hi Meg
Thanks for your reply.
I do feel lucky living near the seaside. I know lots of people live here and never go to the beach but I think there is something calming about the sound of the waves and just looking out to sea. I don't know about being able to scream and no one hearing though. It's always pretty packed here on nice days. The only time you could really do that would be in the middle of the night and even then I'd feel a bit strange doing it. I know there have been a lot of studies of Seasonal Affective Disorder. I wouldn't say I suffer from it exactly but maybe just because I'm depressed at the moment the weather has a further effect on my mood. Especially as it is supposed to be summer and we haven't had much sunny weather.
Thanks for saying I can keep talking here. When I emailed the Samaritans they said to me wouldn't my friend rather know how bad I'm feeling and wouldn't I want to help her if it was the other way round? I'm glad you understand why I don't want to do that. She obviously knows I'm depressed and she knows I have been harming myself (although not the extent) but I haven't told her how close I came to suicide. I don't think that's fair. Like you said, she would feel helpless because she wouldn't know what to say or do. She was also my only friend when I attempted suicide in the past (when I was 16) and I know how much it upset her. I suppose it's one of the reasons I ended up here because I was looking for help and didn't want to worry her.
I cannot tell my family any of this. They would not understand anyway. When I've had bad depression and felt suicidal in the past my parents have just told me to 'snap out of it' and thought I was talking about killing myself to get attention. My father has even thrown bottles of tablets at me before and told me to take them. All this was at the time he also reacted so badly on finding out about my feelings for my former tutor. He doesn't believe in depression and think people make themselves depressed. I could also not tell them because one of the main reasons for my current depression is the whole situation with my former tutor and he thinks gay people are perverts. My family also think I choose not to talk and don't understand about the panic attacks and the fact I have a social phobia.
Briary
Hi Meg
I've desperately been trying to keep busy today to take my mind off all the thoughts that keep going round in my head. I've been for a walk to the seafront. I walked all the way along the promenade and back. I went on the beach for a while but didn't stay too long. There were too many people there and I'm not feeling like I can be surrounded by a lot of strangers today. Then I walked home and tidied up around the house.
I've been trying to distract myself because I'm having a really bad day today. I woke up feeling really low and I've just been feeling like I want to cry all day. I had the nightmare again and it just makes me think about my former tutor more and that makes me feel so upset that I feel unable to cope with my feelings. It hurts so much. I feel pathetic for having to keep going over the same things again but I really don't know what to do. I feel like she is my whole life and now I know I'll never see her or hear from her again I cannot see a future. I try to think about it rationally and I know I have to put this behind me and move on but emotionally I feel unable to. It is like she is the only person who has ever made me feel truly liked and happy and no one else will ever make me feel that way again.
I'm so angry with myself for getting into such a state again. I've tried and tried to stop thinking about her but she is there, all the time. The slightest things brings back all the memories. I haven't coped very well with all these emotions today and I'm ashamed that I've harmed myself again. It is so stupid. I know it doesn't solve anything but still I do it. Why am I such a failure?
Briary
silentcalligraph
24-07-04, 18:23
Hi Briary
You're not a failure and you're not pathetic. You're somebody who goes through a horrible ordeal and as such you deserve kindness and love. As others have said before - think of yourself as a good friend in pain.
I've followed this thread and was amazed by your bravery. I'm sure a lot of people here feel the same and we are very proud of you. Are you proud too? How about a reward? Because you deserve it!
This is not about being a success or being a failure - this is about being kind and gentle to yourself. You are already suffering, the nightmare, the feelings you have for your tutor, your self-harming, the depression - it's alright if you can't tackle all of this in one day. Don't add more weight to the burden you're already carrying by blaming yourself. You don't deserve it. Set-backs are normal, be patient and be kind.
Focus on the good things (as hard as it is), you have not taken those pills, you have been able to talk to us here, you have managed to find a therapist, and in our own way you might have helped somebody out there suffering too who by reading your posts has finally found the strength to seek help as well.
Be kind and take good care of yourself - you deserve it!
Good for you for going out for your walk and tidying up at home.
She continues to be on your mind as you've not found anything else to take up that space in your thoughts so the mind focuses on whats its so used to pondering on.
We very rarely have nothing going on inside unless an expert meditation student so if trying to rid ourselves of one huge topics it has to be replaced with something else ...
I don't consider you a failure at all, you are currently someone having difficulities.
You said that she was your tutor when you were 16 and are now 35. You were not always in contact with her and managed for many years and will do again .
If you want to cry then go for it , often a good cry will release lots of stess hormones and clear the tension and alter your mood a bit. nothing wrong with that at all.
I hope you have a calm night with sleep and be patient and gentle with yourself. Talk to yourself as you'd talk to your friend if the roles were reversed .
Meg
Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind.
If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.
Robert Albert Bloch
Hi Meg
I had a bad day yesterday but am feeling a bit better today. Your message helped me so thank you for that. I suppose it is not surprising that I cannot stop thinking about my former tutor as I'm having this recurring nightmare about her every night, or maybe because I'm thinking about her it is causing the nightmare. I don't know but it is like a vicious circle of thoughts.
I know I have coped without contact with her in the past but I think it is the finality of the situation this time that makes it so difficult to cope with. It is also all the guilt I'm carrying around because of my actions that makes me feel worse. It is difficult at the moment to see a time when I can feel happy without her, particularly since I destroyed any good feelings she may once have had for me.
I still feel like crying but I can't. I wish I could because maybe it would help me feel a bit better.
I feel stupid for getting into such a state again yesterday. Every time I think I have got my emotions under control I lose it again. I did a pretty good job on my arm yesterday which is really stupid. I can't seem to stop myself turning to self harm whenever things get too difficult to cope with but I know it doesn't solve anything.
Briary
Rennie1989
25-07-04, 13:45
briary
have u seen dis graph that meg found:
www.nomorepanic.co.uk/graph.htm
that could help u figure out wat stage ur in and how u can improve, its also on the misc. forum
Scooter Girl
if i wa hungry would u feed me, if i fell u you help me up, if i was crying would brush away my tears
Hi Meg
It has been another difficult couple of days but I got through it again somehow. I saw my counsellor this morning. She feels I need more help than just the hypnotherapy she's done so far. She said my depression, anxiety and low self esteem are obviously very deep rooted and it is going to take some time to deal with the issues underlying these problems. She is going to sort out some homeopathic remedies for me to see if this can help lift my depression a little to make it easier to start tackling my problems. She doesn't believe antidepressants are very effective and I still feel unable to visit my GP for treatment at the moment.
We talked about the nightmare I've been having (or rather she talked and I wrote). She explained that the dream has a metaphorical meaning rather than a literal one. She said she believes the start of the dream where my tutor and I are together symbolises the fact that I want to be at the time in my life when I was with her. The man breaking down the bedroom door and killing her represents my father or my father's attitudes and reactions to my feeings for my tutor. She said the fact he kills her is him trying to control my feelings for her and for women in general. Him breaking down the door relates to a time when he came into my bedroom when he found out about my feelings for her and he was so angry I thought he was going to hit me. She said the man growing bigger and stronger in my dream is my father trying to dominate and control me and again is to do with my fear of his reaction. And the end of my dream where I'm calling out for my tutor and trying to bring her back is me trying to resurrect the relationship and bring her back into my life. She said the dream is recurring because my sub conscious knows the relationship is over but I'm still struggling to cope with my emotions.
We discussed my feelings for my tutor a lot today and she said what I am going through at the moment is just like a period of grieving. She said it has hit me particularly hard because she has been a part of my life for so long. She also thinks I'm finding it so difficult because I'm carrying around the fear and rejection I feel from my parents.
I am feeling a little better after my session this morning, after having a couple of very bad days again. It can be very lonely and difficult to cope on the days between sessions. Being able to talk here is very helpful.
My friend phoned the community health team on one of the numbers you gave me but hit a brick wall there. They won't do anything without a referral from my GP. They said the only other way they would do it is via a referral from a social worker which I don't have. So I don't think I will be able to get any help that way. Going to see my GP is still way out of my comfort zone at present.
Briary
Hi Briary,
Glad you've seen her again.
Homeopathy works on the root of issues by introducing a bit of the substance that in larger quantities would trigger symptoms to the disease giving the body a chance to heal itsself.
Pharma anti depressants can mask symptoms beautifully but unless issues are dealt with, once you come off them the symptoms will return..
Bach sweet chestnut remedy may also help. You could discuss it with her
Do you agree with her explanations of your nightmare ? Maybe understanding what it signifies will take the horror out of it for you as you know it's your bodys way to try to deal with the issue. I totally agree with the grieving bit .
It sounds to me like you're doing good work with her and getting in with what the current issues are.
In between sessions you could order a self help book from the library if you have the time and the inclination.
I think you did really well to go (by yourself ?) and keep up the speaking /writing rapport . Hopefully you might come to trust her and feel ok speaking.
Keep this going and you will be recovering and moving forward positively.
Take care . We're here every day for you.
Meg
Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind.
If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.
Robert Albert Bloch
Hi Briary
I have been following your posts and havent replied before now.....Sorry......
I have looked up some things on the internet and have come across a site that might be useful for you to have a look at.
http://www.nshn.co.uk/
Its the national self harm network and there is loads of information on there for you to ponder on.
I tried homeopathic remedies at the beginning of my panic and they enabled me to go to a busy restaurant at the height of my agoraphobia so its definately worth a try...and no side effects either!!!
Well done for going to your councellor again, I think you are definately taking steps in the right direction whether you think you arent or not.
Take care Briary, look after yourself!!!!
love Sarah
xx
we arent mad, just the next stage of evolution :)
Hi Sarah
Thanks for your message. I will check out the web site - thanks.
It is good to know that the homeopathic remedies worked for you. I'm hoping they'll make a difference for me. My counsellor is working out the exact combination of remedies for me and will send them to me soon. In the meantime she's given me something to help me sleep so I hope I won't be spending half the night at the computer as I have been doing.
Briary
Hi Meg
Thanks for your message. My therapist has taken a complete history from me today and is working out the right combination of remedies. I hope it will lift me enough to be able to start working through all my problems. I'll bear in mind the Bach sweet chestnut remedy for when I next see her.
When she explained the meaning of my nightmare to me it did make sense. It certainly fits with a lot of the things I have been feeling. I also hadn't thought of the way I've been feeling over the loss of contact with my tutor as grieving. I suppose it kind of makes sense.
I will look at some self help books too, it's worth a try.
My friend came in to the appointment with me but then she went off while I had my session and met me again afterwards. It just helped to prevent me having a panic attack before going. Next time I have to go alone. Being able to write answers to her questions really helps me and I already feel I'm getting more from the sessions than I have with anyone in the past. When I've seen psychiatrists before they haven't allowed me to write and consequently I haven't been able to communicate with them.
I see her again in 2 weeks and it helps to know I can talk on here in the meantime. Thank you.
Briary
Thats great news Briary.
Perhaps if you wake up with your nightmare again, you could comfort yourself with knowing that it is a process you body needs to go through but that it will pass with time and help and is part of the grieving process.
Have you found any sites where you can meet and write to people which are not health related- where you can escape anxiety and SH for a while and chat and post with people who are not aware of your issues.
To do with a old hobby or interest maybe .
I'm really so very thrilled that she is being so great about your current communication style and your issues.
Your friend did so well to find her and you did so well to go and take your first step on the recovery path !!
Meg
Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind.
If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.
Robert Albert Bloch
Hi Meg
Thanks for your message. I haven't found any other sites where I can talk to people. I used to go on a site which is the fan club of Barry Manilow, my favourite singer, but the board closed down for some reason. I don't really have any hobbies, apart from writing and I get most inspiration to write the worse I'm feeling but this affects the theme of what I write.
I don't find it very easy to talk to people, even by writing. I don't know what to say. I'm really boring and I don't have anything to talk about.
Sorry I'm on a bit of a downer again today. Why is the day after a therapy session so difficult? Yesterday I was feeling more positive. I was talking to someone on a self-harm support site who was feeling suicidal. I was trying to persuade her that life is worth living and she didn't deserve to die. Very hypocritical seeing as I don't believe it about myself most of the time. I'm hopeless. It only takes something very minor to happen and I'm back in the depths of despair again.
I also have to see my parents later and I don't think I can pretend everything is alright. I don't think I can put an act on and pretend to be happy. It is too difficult today.
Briary
You don't have to pretend to be happy all the time but you don't have to tell them anything either .
Get involved with what they have to say to take the attention away from your issues.
You are far from hopeless - you have shown that these last few days .
Meg
Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind.
If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.
Robert Albert Bloch
silentcalligraph
28-07-04, 14:50
I know from my own experience that the day following a successful therapy session can be hard - I don't really know why but it's definitely something I'm familiar with.
You've done a great job helping somebody else on that support site. It doesn't matter that you sometimes don't believe what you said. The fact that you said it means that deep down you still hope it's true - and that's the important thing. And you're not hopeless - you're here talking to us despite your social anxiety, you've helped somebody else in distress, you've managed to find help for yourself - doesn't sound like a hopeless person at all
I'm just back from talking about my 'issues' to a family member - so I can sympathize with your feelings. Can't you tell them that you're having problems but that you're on your way to get help? That would reduce the stress of pretending to be happy and if they want to give you a hard time you can say that you're already handling your problems on your own (which you do).
Thanks Meg and Silentcalligraph.
I won't be telling my parents anything. It would just make it worse. They think I'm over the problems with depression and it certainly wouldn't be a good idea for them to know about the situation with my former tutor. I haven't been able to get over the reaction, in particular from my dad, when they originally found out I had feelings for a woman.
I'll have to try and cover up how I'm feeling somehow.
Briary
Briary,
I have been following your postings and if you look back just a few weeks to your first post, you will see what a long way you have come in such a short time.
You seem to be opening up so much more and you deserve a big pat on the back for your progress so far.
Love Kate x
Thanks Kate. Sometimes it is difficult to see that I'm making any progress. I suppose I should remember that I'm still at the early stages of trying to get over this.
Meg:
I did go to my parents and I really wish I hadn't. I know that sounds really awful and I hate myself for thinking it. When I arrived I could tell there was a horrible atmosphere the minute I walked in. It was really obvious they had been arguing again but dad was trying to pretend everything was normal. My stepmum was unusually quiet and didn't seem to want to talk to my dad.
After we had dinner my stepmum went off to have a bath and dad started moaning about her to me. It seems the argument was because my stepmum has to go away on a 3 day course for work and he doesn't want her to go. This is always causing problems between them because he doesn't like her doing anything without him and he always seems to think she is off meeting another man. He is constantly ringing her and checking up on her.
When my stepmum came back in there was an awful silence and I wanted to go home but for some reason I found myself unable to say anything. After a while dad said he was going to bed. After he'd gone I thought I'd try to leave but my stepmum obviously wanted to talk to me. She said they had an argument and dad lost his temper. She said he told her to choose between going on the course and him. She said she had to go on the course for work. She actually thought he was going to hit her at one point (he hasn't done that before). She said he raised his hand to her but she shouted at him, he stopped and then just walked off.
That brought back bad memories for me because that's what happened to me when he found out about my feelings for my tutor. I remember being so scared when it happened. He's always had a temper but had never hit out before. He had grabbed me and dragged me by the arm, telling me to get out of his house. The he pushed me over. When I started crying he became even more angry and that's when I thought he was going to hit me. Even after all this time the memory still makes me feel really anxious and scared.
I didn't know what to do tonight because I'm caught in the middle. I obviously love both of them but I can't forget the fear I have had of my dad at times. I remember all too clearly the control he exerted over me and how I couldn't do anything without him wanting to know about it. He used to search my room and read my letter too. I couldn't even make a phone call in private because he used to listen in.
It is really difficult for me to deal with these memories and I really felt I had to talk about them. I came home and felt really low again. It doesn't take much at the moment. I'm feeling even worse because I was so upset when I got home that I self-harmed again.
Briary
Hi Briary,
It may have brought back memories for you but those are in the past and your step Mum is living them in the present moment.
Your Dads behaviour pattern clearly shows he has problems that he cannot deal with and thus resorts to this sort of detrimental behaviour pattern.
Its good (in a bad sort of way) to now know that what he was like with you was not as personal as it may have seemed at the time as he would have done it with any situation he disliked and wasn't comfortable with - it was and still is his problem not yours.
He may have done it had it been a boyfriend he disliked , or a job he didn't approve of .. so whilst none of it is pleasant it does remove some of the intensity of what happened back then....
You are lucky you don't live there any more and only visit intermitantly.
Perhaps you could write out as much as you can about Dad and start to relieve yourself of any feelings that you have to conform to him anymore. Bring it up with your therapist.
You are an adult and can make your own choices now and are no longer under his control.
Has your therapist done any work with you with personal affirmations ?
Maybe you'll get outside today as it looks like being beautiful..
Meg
Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind.
If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.
Robert Albert Bloch
Hi Meg
I spoke to my stepmum this morning and dad had backed down. She stands up to him and when he realises that trying to bully her won't work he usually backs down. I wish I could do this same but I can't cope with confrontation. Whenever he tries to control me I just cave in. As soon as he starts to confront me about anything I just burst into tears. I hate myself being like this and it just makes him more angry. I just can't help it.
I understand what you are saying about he could've reacted in the way he did if I'd had a boyfriend he disapproved of or anything else but it doesn't change the fact that he still thinks anyone who is gay is perverted and beyond contempt. I don't think his reaction would be as extreme over a boyfriend. At least he'd think it was 'normal' and he wouldn't see it as bringing shame on him.
I have touched on the problems with dad with my therapist and she has already said that she thinks some of my problems are the result of his extreme reactions to things in the past. She thinks it has made it more difficult for me to communicate because I became frightened of his reaction and learnt it was safer to keep quiet. She also thinks it has affected my self-esteem.
I don't think my therapist hasn't done any work on personal affirmations. What are personal affirmations?
I have been out today with my friend. I phoned her this morning because I was still feeling very low and was worried about spending the day on my own. I wasn't sure what I would do. We took her baby daughter to the beach for a couple of hours and spent the rest of the day in her garden. It helped to take my mind off things for a while.
The trouble is as soon as I am alone again I feel the despair descending on me again.
Briary
Hi Briary,
You also had the disadvantage of being his daughter and with that role comes expectaions of obey, approval much more than a wife role does .
I take your point about his predudices but if you'd crossed any more of those a similar thing would have happened. It still his issues - not something terrible you did. My Dad would have been similarly predudiced I'm sure if I'd have been gay or if I'd brought home a man with piercings and covered in tatoos . Not what he personally approved of for his daughter.
I agree with your therapist.
Remember energy follows thought so if you think about sad and upsetting things , the feelings will follow . It's normal that you will have many times like this but when they start to get overwhelming then do something that takes your attention, music, movement etc.
I'm not suggesting that this is a solution at all but it does help stop the depth of lowness escalating .
Personal affirmations are a short positive statement that you have about yourself that you repeat often and slowly you start to give it credibility .
When I was swamped with yuk thoughts and driving alone I used to have a couple that were really very helpful and sustaining . Ask her about helping you to construct one.
Take care
Meg
Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind.
If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.
Robert Albert Bloch
Hi Meg
I take your point about my dad's prejudices. I just always feel like I'm the one who causes problems in our family. My brother gets on so well with my dad and never does anything wrong. I was always being told 'why can't you be more like your brother?' and it is difficult not to blame myself. I know my parents are so proud of my brother. He's never had any mental health problems. He is married and has a good job. I get on well with my brother and my sister-in-law but even so I cannot be completely myself with them. I am scared to admit to my real feelings because I don't know how they would react. I wouldn't want to talk about the feeling that I'm gay but sometimes I think it would be easier if I didn't have to hide my depression from them as well. I always wonder what I did wrong to be like this.
I've been trying to keep busy again today to try to prevent myself being overwhelmed by the depression again. I've been out for a walk and then I came home and cleaned my car and have done some gardening. I am playing music now but it is difficult to stop thinking about things that are upsetting. I've written in my journal for my therapist to try to release my feelings that way. Being on my own it is difficult to stop the depression taking over. I can't be with my friend all the time.
Briary
Hi Briary
Sorry havent posted for a while. Have read all your posts since we last talked and although things dont seem much easier for you, you seemed to have pulled out some extra strength.
You want to remember that you sat and listened to your step mum. You let her tell you how your dad had reacted and carried on by finding out how things had worked out. You could have walked away from it all, but you didnt you stayed to try and help in whatever capacity you could. Thats a different person to the once who posted early on in July.
You have enough to cope with on your own, but still try and support your family so please look back at what you have done and be proud of yourself.
Remember those people who have let you down, like you said about your tutor, they are the ones that will regret their actions. You went through a hard time and found someone you could trust. Even if her feelings were not the same as yours, she should have tried to understand what you were going through. But unfortunately for you she got scared and couldnt cope with it. That was through no fault of yours though. You were just open and acted as your emotions wanted you to. Its a brave and strong person that can act on their emotions as many of us hide them away, you didnt hon so however the results were be proud that you were open, honest and more importantly you.
You obviously have strong memories from the past about your dad, but when your stepmum needed support you confronted it, been like you with my dad, i would have run from the situation. So please dont be hard on yourself you are doing so well. I admire you so much as see myself in you 15 years ago.
Take care. Will email you to explain in more detail, as i havent been as brave as you to come forward and open up like you have.
Love Sal xxxx
Hi Sal
Thank you for message, it really cheered me up tonight. It's funny how people keep telling me that I've got the strength to get through this when I don't feel strong.
It is funny how times change. When the situation with my tutor first started and my dad and stepmum found out, they were both horrified by the fact that I was in love with someone of the same sex. My stepmum and my dad were united against me. My stepmum didn't react in such an extreme way as my dad and the incident could have been worse if she hadn't been there. I know from comments they both still make that their attitudes haven't changed on this subject but whilst my dad and I really have a strained relationship, I am closer to my stepmum than I was. I'm not able to talk about any of the stuff that's going on in my life at the moment but she also has problems with my dad at times.
I didn't think it was brave to stay and listen to my stepmum. I didn't feel able to do anything about the situation. I could only listen. She sorted it out herself. I felt bad because with everything I'm struggling to deal with I didn't feel I was much help. I sometimes think maybe I'm blowing things up out of proportion when I let the memories get to me.
I find it difficult to believe that I have made any progress. I suppose it is sometimes difficult to see things objectively when you're living
through it.
Briary
Sometimes listening is the best thing in the world to do even if you had access to the universes resources - people want to be listened to and have that personal interaction, acknowlegement , emapthy and sympathy.
We all know that we cannot sort things out for our friends but we can ensure they have a space and an environment where they can explore their options aloud and get some feedback and think things through logically.
You did exactly the right thing for your stepMum
Give yourself some credit for your strengths.
Meg
Hi Meg
I suppose it is true that I couldn't actually do anything but listen to my stepmum. I don't know why I feel I should be able to solve other people's problems. I'm having a hard enough time trying to cope with my own.
I'm feeling very tired today. I didn't get to sleep until gone 5.00 this morning and then woke up again at 8.00. It seems par for the course these days that I spend half the night awake.
I received the homeopathic remedies from my therapist this morning and have to take the first one tonight so I'm hoping this will help me to cope a bit better generally.
I've not been too bad today (for me) and kept myself busy. I went for a long walk this morning and then went down the beach for a while. Then I walked home and did some tidying up in the garden. I hope this sunny weather continues.
I'm beginning to feel on a bit of a downer now but that seems to happen quite a lot at night so I thought I'd come and talk on here. I just hope I get some sleep tonight.
Briary
Hiya ,
Maybe taking on others problems has added to your own issues over time . You concentrate on you for now and whilst you can listen and support others don't allow yourself to take their problems to heart.
Have you had the nightmare every night this week ?
Which remedies has she sent you ?
Glad you had a day with nature.
One of my favourite wasys to induce sleep was to get my trusty bottle of aromatherapy lavender oil and breath in deeply through my nose and hold that breath until I could 'taste' the lavender scent at the back of my throat and then release the breath. Several of those was often enough to settle me enough to get off to sleep again if I had woken up too early.
Yes, boards like this are brilliant as they are 24/7 and usually you can see signs of other people moving about .
Have a good Sunday.
Meg
Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind.
If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.
Robert Albert Bloch
Hi Meg
Yes, I've had the nightmare every night this week. The only night there was a slight variation was on Tuesday (the day I saw my therapist), when I had a nice dream about my tutor but was woken by something and when I got back to sleep I then had the nightmare. Otherwise it is the same nightmare every night. I had hoped it would stop following the explanation given to me by my therapist. The nightmare doesn't leave me feeling frightened but it does make me feel upset.
I have tried using lavender to help me sleep. I just don't seem to be able to get off to sleep very easily. Even if I get off to sleep more easily, I wake several times during the night. When I saw my friend the other day she said I looked ill because I look so tired.
This is the list of the remedies my therapist sent me:
1. Nat Mur 10M - 1 1st night, 1 next morning, 1 that night
2. Nat Mrur 1M - 1 following night, 1 next morning, 1 that night
3. Nat Mur 200c - 1 following night, 1 next morning, 1 that night
4. Nat Mur 30c - 1 daily following the above
It doesn't mean anything to me, just different strengths of the same thing? I'm just hoping it helps.
Briary
Hi briary,
Im so sorry how you feel and I can relate to this. I don’t have a social phobia I have bad anxiety and acrophobia, in fact I am afraid of everything. I have constant lower tummy pains to ad to my misery and also feel at times I cant take anymore. I am male 55 married with 5 kids and my wife is so supportive and understands which makes me very lucky but don’t seem to help the problem much. I stopped drinking last November after drinking heavy for 40 years to kill my anxiety but it made me Ill and had to stop. After I stopped my anxiety and fears went right up, I had never felt so bad and like I was going mental, I even stayed in be shaking for days at a time. Stopping the drink made a bigger hole in my life, as I didn’t know any other way of coping with life. I also lost my sight about 2 years ago, that didn’t help either. I then found this site and started going into the chat room and made some really good friends who all suffer the same as us. I find going into chat and hearing some of the other member’s problems makes you feel not so much alone anymore. Some members have even met up through the chat room and made good friends, So why don’t you give the live chartroom a try most come in about 9 to 9 30pm every evening, and they are all really nice and helpful. Well it helped me a lot even though I like everyone still have bad days but I really do look forward to going into chat and having a chat and a joke. Hope to see you there sometime, the web address is http://pub4.bravenet.com/chat/show.php/342349380 I use the live chat cos I am not a writing person and never usualy write in here. Hope to see your there and all the best Vernon
LOL am I a starting member? been here since Christmas? maybe its cos I changed my name from cov49? Take care Verny, Vernon or Cov49 he he
Thanks for your message Vernon. Maybe I will give the chat room a try. I'm always awake half the night at the moment. I have thought about going to the chat room before but I'm not good with conversation (even in writing). I can never think of anything interesting to say. I'm much better writing on the board because I can think about what I want to say and make sure I say it in the right way.
I had about 3 hours sleep last night until the nightmare woke me again. I'm not sure how I'm staying awake during the day and the lack of sleep is making my migraines worse.
I've just come back from the beach again. I also went for a long walk and generally have been trying to keep myself occupied. I'm not feeling too bad at the moment (although seeing everyone else with someone at the beach when I was alone made me feel a bit sad), but I tend to start feeling worse in the evening.
Briary
Briary,
In 'chat' you can participate as much or as little as you like. There will be lots of familar people there that you have got used to seeing on these forums.
Any chance of trying to have a cat nap during tbe day ?
Are there any disabled/older people around who have a dog that might appreciate going on one of your walks with you one day ? Many social phobics enjoy the companionship of a pet.
Do you have any commitments during the week at all ?
Vernon - it's on number of posts not time of registration.
Meg
Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind.
If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.
Robert Albert Bloch
Hi Meg
I have tried to have a nap during the day since this sleeping problem started but I'm not able to sleep. I usually get really tired in the afternoon and I try to sleep then but I can't. By the time I want to go to bed at night I seem to be wide awake and unable to sleep.
I don't really know any of my neighbours or anyone where I live, apart from my immediate neighbour, who does have a dog but is fit and able to walk the dog herself. I'm not really a dog person, I prefer cats and have one of my own. She is my company most of the time. It's funny my therapist suggested taking a dog for a walk as well, just as a way to make sure I get out every day. I don't really feel the need for a dog to go out walking, plus people take more notice of you if you have a dog with you and I don't want to draw any attention to myself.
I took my friend's one year old daughter out for a walk today because my friend wanted to get some housework done. I wanted to do something to help her because she is always there for me and I usually feel I can't do anything for her. I had trouble with anxiety and panic though because I saw a few people on my walk who tried to talk to me and I spent my time avoiding making eye contact with anyone. It's so stupid that I can't even say 'hello' to anyone without it prompting a panic attack.
I don't have any commitments during the week at all. My only commitment is the one night a week I'm expected to visit my parents but that can make me feel worse as it did last week. My only other commitment at present is my appointment with my therapist once a fortnight (I'm not seeing her til next week).
Briary
Hi meg
Yes i know and Hiya i have heared so much about you from Nic etc (only good things). I was only kidding I know itd by the posts, but Nic cjanged my name on forum for me too which put me forward to when i changed my name from cov49 to my real name Vernon. Take care meg and keep up the good work Vernon
Hi Briary,
Just read through all of your posts and just wanted to let you know that although it may not feel like it you are already taking steps in the right direction through seeing your therapist... your stronger than you think you are. Well done for taking that step... all you need to do now is keep on walking and you'll get there given time and support from 'good' friend, therapist and people on this website.
Matt :C)
Hi Meg,
I've had a bad couple of days. I'm still struggling to sleep and had about 2 hours on Monday night and 3 hours last night. I had to go to my parents yesterday which I didn't feel up to doing really. I know I should be able to do what I want but I can never seem to say no to my dad. He asks me to do something (well, it's more like telling me really) and I just agree. He makes me feel so small. I know I am an adult now but he makes me feel like a child.
I went into the chat room the other night. I thought it would be okay because I'm usually perfectly at ease with writing but for some reason I felt panicky. I couldn't understand why I should feel so anxious. It wasn't a full blown panic attack like I get when trying to talk to someone verbally. I am very comfortable writing messages on here and expected it to be okay in the chat room. I can only think it is because it is more like a normal conversation. When writing on here I have time to think about what I want to say and to make sure I say things in the right way. In the chat room I couldn't think of anything to say and I felt under pressure to respond to what other people had said straight away. I felt a bit stupid about it really. I didn't join in much but I did stay in there until I felt the anxiety begin to subside. My therapist told me that if I 'run away' from an anxiety provoking situation it reinforces my phobia so I tried to put what she told me into practice.
I woke up feeling really low this morning, having dreamt about my tutor again. I know I keep going on about it but I can't stop thinking about her all the time. Everything seems to remind me of her at the moment. I keep remembering conversations with her and the things she used to say to me. I remember her smile, her voice, just everything about her. I know I can't go back to the time when I was with her but it just feels like it was the last time I was truly happy. The feelings are so strong I don't believe anything will ever change them.
Briary
Hi Briary,
Its strange how we hold onto how we brought up . When you were small he did tell you and now he may not have changed his way of addressing you like most parents do as their children mature and you interpret it as you did. Its hard but sometimes its just easier to play out the same role if its a difficult relationship . To try to change it may be scarier and lead to cans of worms. Devil you know scenario. Having said that he cannot Make you feel anything . You create your feelings .
Has your step mum been away yet - how did your Dad take it in the end ?
In any chat room you can sit and watch and not feel any obligation to say any more than Hi and Bye . You did very well and I completely agree with your therapist in the staying bit and in time the comfort zone will grow.
Its great that you are benefitting from her advice and are able to put it into daily practice. Your reoccurring dreams and thoughts will start to ease but its still early days and also at the moment haven't got another interest/ hobby to fill that void.
I hope you get some restful sleep tonight.
Meg
Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind.
If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.
Robert Albert Bloch
Hi Meg
I think you are right that trying to change the relationship with my dad would not be very wise and I think impossible. It is easier to go along with things as they are instead of trying to fight it. I couldn't cope with the confrontation with him.
My stepmum hasn't been away yet, that is next week. They seem okay at the moment but I don't know what will happen when she is away. I think I'll try to stay out of his way.
I didn't sleep much last night. I had a different dream which seemed to be a mix of a lot of the events that happened at school and college. I woke up and haven't been able to stop thinking about it all. It seems like I've had these problems for most of my life. When all of this started I was about 13. I had a 'crush' on my female form teacher but was too embarrassed to tell anyone. I already had problems communicating and felt different to other girls. There were problems at home and I felt unable to talk to my parents then. My teacher noticed I was very withdrawn and I started writing to her. I couldn't tell her about my feelings for her so I made up some story about a crush on a man at first. My parents found out I was confiding in her and didn't like the fact that I was talking to an 'outsider'. I became more depressed and a few months later I took an overdose at school. It was really stupid when I think back on it now and I hadn't really thought about the consequences. My dad was called to the school and when we got home just kept shouting at me, telling me I'd shown him up in front of the teachers. When I was sent to a psychiatrist my parents were there telling her that I was fine and I'd only done it to get attention. She discharged me after two sessions and nothing changed. I still felt depressed and still couldn't cope with my feelings.
The situation carried on for about 10 months during which time I continued feeling suicidal and I finally wrote to my teacher and admitted that I had feelings for a woman and that I felt like I wanted to die. She got really angry and hauled me in front of the year head and showed him what I'd written. He told me I was 'disturbed' and obviously 'got a kick out of making people worry about me'. The worst part was dad being called into school again. He was shown the letter I'd written but he wasn't concerned that I felt suicidal, but was only angry because of my feelings for women. That was the first time he called me 'sick' and 'disgusting'. I stopped trusting anyone after that and learnt it was best to keep quiet, until I went to college and met my tutor.
I really started making progress for a while. She never judged me or told me I was bad. She just accepted me. I've already explained what happened when dad found out about her. When the separation from her led me to attempt suicide twice the vice principal at college also said I was 'obviously very disturbed'. He also said I had made my tutor ill because of my behaviour (which I later found out wasn't true) and that I was upsetting all the female members of staff. Then he said it would be better for everyone if I left. I had tried to get help but it seemed like no-one wanted to help, except for my tutor. Before I made the suicide attempts I phoned the Samaritans but my parents found out about that and started hiding the phone when they were out. Dad always said that I'd better not be talking about him to anyone. Following the suicide attempt he even managed to get in on the sessions I was having with a psychiatrist at the time. He'd been dying to attend so he could find out what I was telling her. He has this act he can put on in front of other people so that they end up not believing me. He made out that there wasn't anything wrong with me and I was an attention seeker. I lost trust in her and stopped talking again. She took it as a sign that I was improving and discharged me. I've lost count of the times since then that other things have been said. Things that are difficult to forget.
Most of these hurtful things have been said to me by men, although not all and my mum and
Hi Briary,
Over time you have certainly been punished and virtually gagged for being who you are . Had you had other circumstances and your family been more accepting then your development would have been different.
All any of us are searching for on one level is acceptance and understanding.
You have done nothing wrong and are not a bad person at all but you have been stifled and led to believe that your values are wrong . I'm sure that your story is one that is echoed throughout the land as generations change and parents are unaccepting of their childrens life choices and do everything they can to purge them of what the parents can't/won't accept.
My Dad was very Victorian and much older but fortunately Mum edited loads of what went on before it ever got to him , thus I got away really lightly as Mum understood ( hoped desperately I'm sure ) that drugs, alcohol and boys and smuggling were a phase and would be transient.
Suicide is a word that sparks shivers to most people. Its deemed illegal and to many religions it is totally banned . People have a really hard time knowing what to do and especially when children are involved thus strong descriptive words are used to inspire fear and the situation is often pushed under the nearest carpet and ignored .
All the episodes you mention are communication issues and you've never been encouraged or even allowed to communicate thus your current issues and I agree with you about the men in your life . You've been intimidated and have learnt to keep quiet is your best defense but it doesn't help with dealing with all this upset.
What have you been up to in the intervening years from then to now for work and socially ?
You mention Mum and Step Mum. Is your own Mum still around ?
Its good that you do recognise what is going on here, where it originates and are willing to seek help and deal with it.
I know that with some time and effort you can overcome this social phobia and low self esteem and start to stretch your comfort zone and build yourself a life where you are much more at ease.
Its ironic really that you are a great communicator and are comfortable writing on a public board what many people would not admit to themselves- never mind to others.
Would you say you're creative or scientific ?
Maybe your new dream is a sign of shifting energies within . You may start to have a medley of it all as well. You see your therapist next week don't you, Have you been doing the writing ?
When this is behind you what aspirations and ambitions do you have that you've wanted to follow ?
Meg
Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind.
If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.
Robert Albert Bloch
Hi Meg
Thank you for your reply.
I can understand that my teacher at school probably acted out of concern and worry that I would attempt suicide again, having already overdosed while at school. It is not something I am proud of. I just couldn't cope with the way I was feeling and didn't know how to deal with it. I suppose I was so hurt because I trusted her completely and I was just reaching out for help. It felt like every time I expressed the depression I was feeling I was being told to shut up and not make a fuss. I'd never really had a great relationship with dad and was always quite scared of his temper but I always hoped my mum would understand more. Unfortunately, she didn't understand and agreed with dad. She just told me to grow up and stop causing problems for everyone.
I never had the teenage phase of boys, drink, going out or anything like that. I met my friend when she started at the school at 15 and I spent as much time as I could at her house so I could stay away from home. She has such a fantastic family and I think in a lot of ways I can talk to her mum easier than my own. I really don't know what I would have done without my friend and it was lucky for me that her parents didn't mind me spending so much time there. My parents didn't make her welcome at all. I know lots of teenagers don't get on with their parents and I felt rejected by mine a lot but at the same time they wanted to keep control over me, or that's what it felt like. I couldn't do anything without them wanting to know where I was going and who I was with. That situation was carried on by dad until I left home when I was 26.
I left college at 18 (because I had to) and so didn't take the A levels I was studying for at the time. My friend and I had also taken a secretarial course and found jobs in the same firm of solicitors. It made it easier for me to cope because we were both new but she is so much better at socialising than me and I just kept to myself and did my work. She made new friends there very quickly and I sort of tagged along but didn't interact very well. I was still suffering from depression and pining for my tutor. I saw more psychiatrists but wasn't able to communicate with them. It took a long time but I gradually became more involved with a couple of the other women at work, really through my friend and we occasionally met up outside work. Then gradually they met partners and got married and it tailed off. My friend left the firm after 3 years and I started looking for another job. The problems I still had with communication and lack of confidence were always brought up at work.
Eventually after a year of looking I found a new job as a secretary at the local hospital. I don't know how I got the job because I always managed to get interviews but always did really badly at the interviews so didn't get anywhere. I worked in an office with one woman and it took me months to say two words to her. I worked there for 7 years until I lost my job when I developed RSI. I haven't worked since then.
I haven't really had much of a social life ever. I see my friend and have tried to socialise with other people she knows but have never been able to control my anxiety and panic attacks. I know now I've always done the wrong thing by running away from these situations which my therapist says makes the phobia worse.
I did go to evening classes at the local college about 13 years ago and took two A levels. I was spending all my time away from work at home and I really wanted to get away from the situation. I'm not sure how I really managed to do it now. I was scared stiff in the classes and in the psychology one in particular the tutor kept asking me to speak in the group. This provoked panic attacks and I could never answer. It brought back the painful memories from school. In the end I sent him a letter explaining my problem with talking. I didn't actually know at this point that it was social phobia. I thought I was a freak for not being able to communicate. Telling him ma
Hi Briary
Great to hear from you on the email and to read your posts. Sorry havent been in touch for a while. You are doing so well opening up on here and i truly admire you. So many problems you have faced i have too but couldnt bring myself to open up.
You have been through so much with your parents, your dad having an affair, i went through that since i was 13 until my dad died 5 years ago. I couldnt understand at the age of 13 why my mum would put me in such a situation. As you can imagine when my dad died, at his funeral she wept but i couldnt understand why with what she had subjected me to.
You are doing so well, you keep opening up and asking for help, that is a postive step forward. However you feel you keep coming on the site and asking for help. Not many would be that open.
In the email i sent you about self harm, i will help you all i can, even if just to let you know what i have experienced might make you realise you are not at all alone.
Keep talking and we will keep helping all we can.
Take care.
Lots of love Sal xxxxxx
Hi Briary,
It felt like every time I expressed the depression I was feeling I was being told to shut up and not make a fuss.
She just told me to grow up and stop causing problems for everyone.
These are crucial points and have had a profound effect on you. They can be worked through and you can learn there is another way .
She has such a fantastic family and I think in a lot of ways I can talk to her mum easier than my own
Can you still spend time with her Mum ?
I worked in an office with one woman and it took me months to say two words to her
As a secretary in a hospital didn't you have to spend most of your time communicating with pts , staff, doctors both in person and on the phone ?
How is the RSI now ?
Congratulations on the A levels. A great achievement.
You could print out bits of this thread for your therapist.
Again communication issues with Mum. You haven't really had any good role models and have learnt to keep yourself closed up from them.
The writing course sound great. Have you explored it much as yet ?
I agree with Sal , you're doing so well. You write as much as you like.
One thing I think would help you significantly is to fill some of your time with doing something you need to think about. it could be anything- your writing course, planning and writing a short story, some typing for a charity, doing some ebay business . Doing the ECDL course which is free and is working at your own pace stuff, a BBC online course.
You're a smart woman and creating yourself some space from the constant whirring thoughts inside will help and stimulating you interlectually will also be good for self esteem. Give it a ponder for a bit.
Hope you get some sleep.
Take care
Meg
Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind.
If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.
Robert Albert Bloch
Hi Meg
Thanks for replying and for saying I should write as much as I like. I've kept most of this stuff hidden for so long but I'm learning it doesn't help to try to bury all these feelings. It doesn't make them go away. I'm finding it helpful talking on here, especially to get such helpful replies. It's perhaps helping me to see that not everyone will react the way that my family and other people in the past have done.
I'm not having much luck sleeping again so I thought I might as well get up and reply to your last message.
I don't see my friend's mum that often anymore, only if she's there when I visit my friend. There was a time about 18 months ago when the three of us went to aqua-aerobics once a week but it sort of fizzled out. First I couldn't go for a while following an operation on my wrist, then my friend couldn't go because of the amateur dramatics she was doing and then she got a horse and preferred to go there instead. I did go with her mum on our own for a while but I couldn't go for quite a while following a hysterectomy and her mum isn't keen on going again now. My friend has now adopted a one year old girl so she can't go out as much as she used to. Her mum is still friendly when I see her and it's good to see that some families are happy and close.
When I had the secretarial job at the hospital I didn't have to take phone calls or see patients or anything like that. I just used to type up the letters for the clinics all day. My social phobia and communication problems held me back in that job because I could've applied for promotion to work for a consultant but couldn't cope with the contact I would've had with people. I found it really difficult just with the staff I knew and my manager also scared me. I hated the yearly appraisals because the slightest bit of criticism (which there usually was about communication) and I couldn't help bursting into tears. I felt really stupid and so embarrassed but she got to me every time.
I've had RSI since about 1995 and carried on working with it until 1998. I've had every treatment they can offer, including numerous operations but nothing cures it. The last specialist I saw said there was nothing more that could be done and that it had probably become a chronic problem because I hadn't rested it when the condition first started and it hadn't been given the time to resolve.
I mentioned the writing course to my therapist when she asked what I'd like to do. She persuaded me to send off an application but I haven't heard and I'm not sure I'm going to be ready to start in October. It isn't the work that worries me, but attending the lectures. I think you are probably right in saying that I need something intellectual to focus some of my time on. I have been writing short pieces but only for myself. My recent emotional state has influenced the kind of things I've been writing and I wouldn't want anyone to read them.
I am seeing my therapist on Wednesday. Maybe I should show her some of this thread because I seem to have written quite a lot on here. As I said it feels safer. I am still trying to build up trust with my therapist. I still find it difficult to believe that she won't give up on me too.
I wanted to add something else to my aspirations for the future. I'm not sure you will think it is a good thing but I really want to be able to write one final time to my tutor and tell her that I've been able to move on and put everything behind me. It would be even better if I was able to meet new people and possibly even start seeing someone maybe. If you see what I mean. Apart from the way I'm grieving for her now, I'm also upset about the way it happened. I wish it could've ended on better terms. I'm probably just being selfish in wanting to resolve my guilt at what happened. I just can't bear the thought that she'll always hate me now when she has been so important in my life.
I think I'm going to try and get some sleep now.
Briary
Hi Briary,
Just a thought on doing some further education to keep the brain active!
What about one of the postal courses that are available such as an Open University course or one of the Learn Direct?
Would give you something to aim for without having to attend lectures and the like.
I'd also like to say well done on sharing your problems on here. From your postings it is obviously helping you a lot.
Kate x
Thanks Kate. I'll look into that.
I finally slept at 6.00 this morning for a couple of hours but am feeling pretty shattered now. I can't help feeling that all of this is my fault. My behaviour caused these reactions by my family and other people. I mean, surely they can't all be wrong.
I feel so much like self-harming this morning. I've got to get out to try to distract myself. I'm trying not to give in.
Briary
Feeling so tired always makes everything look worse ...
Your behaviour was fine - those around you didn't know how to deal with it.
Your family and teachers reactins were a sure sign of discomfort and fear. They'd not met this before.
All of our behaviour causes some reaction from others , some is positive, some negative but most is neutral so is not commented upon. These reactions are all to do with their values and beliefs not yours.
Think about what people judge people on and how they react.
Meg
Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind.
If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.
Robert Albert Bloch
Hi Briary
Ive spent most of my life trying to do things so as not to upset others. I was always a goody goody when all my friends were drinking and smoking and staying out late. I was never rude to anyone and even in my more recent years have been in charge of a team of people and never ordered anyone around or said anything in a nasty way...always polite and easy going.
All this made me keep things to myself and hence I guess my brain must have burst with all the stress...lol
Now looking back in hindsight, I truly believe that you should live life how you wish and not worry so much about how people see you. As Meg says, its their problem how they react to it, not yours!!!
Take care, I hope you are having a better day today!!
love Sarah
xx
we arent mad, just the next stage of evolution :)
Thanks Meg and Sarah
Maybe the tiredness isn't helping me see clearly today. I'm going out to the beach now. I know if I stay home I won't be able to control this need to harm myself. I'm trying so hard to resist.
Briary
Hi Briary
Sorry you are not sleeping too well at moment, makes everything seem so much harder and unable to cope as well when we are tired.
You are doing really well opening up and talking on the site. I know it cant be easy how your relationship with your tutor ended and it seems to be constantly playing on your mind. Why dont you write down what you feel and what you would say to her to make the break easier for you to handle. Write how you feel about her been such an important part of your life then suddenly not there at all. Why dont you write down everything you think, feel and would say to her if you were sat face to face with her. That might help getting it all out, even if you dont send it to her, you always have it to read over. Try to remember some of the good times aswell as the harder times.
Unfortunately its a hard fact of life that we have no control over other peoples emotions and how relationships end. We ourselves can end them but if that isnt what we want there is no other way than to try and accept it. Many people will wish their relationships had ended on better terms but unfortunately we arent always given that option.
You have had a really hard time of it lately and you are doing so well talking to us.
You are even admitting that you feel like self harming, but you are also trying by occupying your thoughts elsewhere not to do it. That is a great step forward. At the end of the day self harm is like any other addiction, and many people can break away from addiction. Even if you only do it one step at a time you are still breaking the never ending cycle.
Keep talking and we will all help you as much as we can.
Speak soon.
Lots of love Sal xxxxxxxx
Hi
I walked to the beach and spent the afternoon sunbathing. My mind is still whirling and I keep remembering things I'd rather forget. I've been struggling a bit today.
It is true that the relationship with my tutor is playing heavily on my mind. I know I'm selfish for wanting to put right the way it ended because I'm sure she would rather I left her alone. I don't want to upset her any more than I already have so I won't write to her anymore. I have played the conversation I would have with her if I saw her in my mind many times and I have dreamt of what it would be like. I have so many things I would like to say and maybe writing them down would be a good idea. I wouldn't send it to her because it's not fair and if I ever did have contact with her again I would like it to be at a time when I've hopefully overcome my problems. I don't think I can really be objective at the moment and I can't let go of my feelings for her.
I do remember a lot of the good times I had with her. I suppose maybe one of the reasons I long to be with her so much is that I did have some really happy times when I knew her, before it all went wrong. She made me feel so happy and I hadn't felt like that in such a long time. I can see now that I put unbelievable pressure on her because she became my whole world and when I was separated from her, my world came crashing down. I just wanted to curl up and die. She once wrote to me that she felt bad that she hadn't been able to be honest early enough that she couldn't solve my problems. She said she felt guilty that she had let me down but she had been flattered by my feelings for her and my confidence in her. It makes me very sad that she felt that way because I was the one that put her in that position. She didn't ask for any of it. I feel like crying just thinking about it all now. I don't think I'll ever stop loving her.
The thing is I do realise that the picture I have of her now has been built up in my memory. I know my memories of her have made her a perfect image that no one could ever live up to. I just can't stop thinking of her that way. I can't see her as the real person anymore. I can't see any faults or normals flaws that everyone has. To me she is perfect and that's why I can't let go. Knowing what the truth is doesn't make it any easier to believe it.
One positive thing today is that I have so far managed to prevent myself from self-harming. It's still on my mind and the compulsion to do it is still there. I just hope I can remain strong. Sometimes the longer I try to hold off harming I end up doing it much worse when I finally give in. I'm trying not to.
Briary
Hi Briary
You have done so well today in not self harming. I know holding back may lead to even further more dangerous self harming. But remember however bad you have felt today you distracted yourself and got through 12 hours without hurting yourself.
I can totally appreciate how you feel about your tutor, when relationships and friendships end we do put that person on a pedestal and forget about the bad times and bad points and we cling to all those good memories that made us happy.
You cant change how it ended, i wish for sake you could, i just hope you could write it all down and given the chance let her know how you would feel if you were given the opportunity to.
You have done so well coping without her and she obviously feels guilty that she couldnt give you all the answers you needed. I dont think she rejected you at all as a person but maybe the guilt of not been able to cure her was too much for her. Seeing it from both sides maybe she wanted to give you a miracle cure and could not so that maybe pushed her away.
Maybe she couldnt face letting you down when you thought she was the answer to it all. there could be a thousand reasons why, but for you own sake write it down and even if you send it to her, what have you got to lose now.
I really believe that you need to sort this before you stand a chance of moving forward as this is really pulling you down.
You have opened up to us so open up how you feel about her. If you dont hear back at least you have put your side forward, including wishes, hopes and regrets.
Briary you deserve that at least and if you dont get a response we are all here to support you.
Dont do this alone, we are here and like i told you before i do understand.
I will email you and explain things that i can not sympathise with you but empazise with you.
When i do i hope you realise how natural your feelings are.
Take care hon
Lots of love Sal xxxxxxx
Hi Sal
Thanks for your message. I'm afraid I caved in a while after posting my last message. I couldn't cope with all the emotional anguish I was feeling regarding my tutor. I started writing everything I wanted to say to her and I just felt so bad about everything. I had to release those feelings somehow and I couldn't cope any other way than self harming. I feel pretty ashamed now though.
I will continue with my letter but do you really think it's fair on her to post it? I don't want to hurt her any more than I already have.
Briary
Hi Briary,
It's been a long hot day and thats also so tiring .
I agree with Sal that writing it all down is a great thing, but keeping in mind the last communication with your tutor was her asking you via your friend not to continue to keep in contact with her I agree with your idea of I wouldn't send it to her because it's not fair and if I ever did have contact with her again I would like it to be at a time when I've hopefully overcome my problems.
I am sure that she'd really like to know that you were now good and moved on but at this time I think you need to respect her wishes .
It's superb that you recognise that you have enanced your memories and built her up into prefection even if you can't let go of it at present. It does sow that you ave your feet firmly in reality over all this and its easy over time to lose that sense of stark truth.
She made me feel so happy and I hadn't felt like that in such a long time Again she didn't make you feel happy, she created a space were you were not judged and were inspired and relaxed and that is what led you to be so happy and this can happen again by your own creation . I believe that she was the first person who encouraged and motivated you consistantly and this is what you ad needed all your life and thus it is little wonder that you became attached . I think we all do it to varying degrees.
When I was about 12 I started work in kennels and I just adored tbe 35 yr old chap who owned it , he was everything to me for a good while. In reality he was the first man whom I could talk to about life stuff and he always had a solid positive opinion as my Dad was more like a granddad. He could do no wrong and I was always making him things, engineering time alone with him, standing too close etc. He paid me attention and listened to me and I so needed that as I was making the transition to puberty...
I just felt so bad about everything You are fine - you have issues to deal with and you have unfortunately developed this self harm habit as your release. It would be good to try to transfer these to some form of vigorous exercise instead.
I hope you sleep better.
Meg
Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind.
If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.
Robert Albert Bloch
Hi Briary
Hope you managed to get some sleep.
Dont beat yourself up about self harming, it is your way of handling emotional issues and in time you can maybe overcome this with help, support and understanding.
Keep writing down how you feel about your tutor, however hard it gets as putting it on paper will help you a lot.
Like Meg says maybe one day you will get the chance to contact her, but let that be when you are sorted and able to cope without feeling so deeply for her.
It will take a lot of time and hard work to move forward from this, as ever relationship that ends is hard, but you will get over her. I know you will have heard it thousands of times before, but time will ease the pain.
Good luck with the writing, let it all out about how you feel.
Thinking of you.
Take care and we will talk soon.
Love Sal xxxxxx
Hi Meg
I didn't sleep very long again last night, only about 2 hours. I was awake til gone 5.00 am again and woke up just after 7.00. I might as well have stayed awake all night. I didn't feel tired and still don't really this morning, just my eyes feel sore and I could have a migraine coming. Of course I dreamt about my tutor again last night but at least it wasn't the nightmare. It was actually a really nice dream where I met up with her again and she told me she had actually felt the same way about me all the time. Wishful thinking.
I have been writing everything down. Everything I'd like to say to her and tell her if I saw her again. This could be pages long. There is so much I want to say.
I suppose I knew really that I shouldn't send her anything at the moment. She said she wouldn't read anything else from me anyway. I don't blame her. I suppose I just cling on to any hope of further contact no matter how unlikely I know it is. I do respect her wishes not to receive anything else from me and that is the reason I stopped as soon as I realised how I was causing her to feel. I wouldn't want to do anything to hurt her for the world. She means too much to me.
Maybe I'm just kidding myself that she would want to know if I ever manage to move on from this. She probably NEVER wants to hear from me ever again. I wish she thought better of me and didn't remember me as someone she felt stalked her. I guess the fact that I want that final contact just shows how unready I am to move on at present. If I was ready to let go completely it wouldn't matter to me what she thought.
I do understand what you said about the man you liked when you were 12. I think that is normal adolescent thing and understandable. As I said I had a crush on my female form teacher when I was 13 but it wasn't anything like this. I don't think it's normal for someone of my age to still carry feelings around like this and for so many years. Anyone would think I am still a teenager. I've never moved on from that stage.
My therapist also suggested the exercise as a distraction when I feel like self-harm. She told me to skip or do some other form of exercise for at least 20 minutes when I felt like giving in. I have tried to follow this advice but don't really find it that successful. I can't really explain what it's like but once the need is there to self-harm, nothing but the act of self-harming takes that feeling away. I don't know how else to explain it.
Briary
Hi Briary
At the moment hon you have so many issues to deal with i think you should try to detatch them from each other and try and concentrate as each one as an individual problem. Tackling them all head on will just push you further down and it is too much for you to handle at the moment.
I can see by your posts that you are getting stronger if only by telling us how you feel. So that in itself is a step forward and you should use it as a comfort to you aswell.
Keep writing the letter, and at the present moment, my advice to you would be to concentrate on that. I really think you will struggle to move forward until you completely get your feelings and emotions on paper about your tutor. I think if you could come somewhere near getting to grips with this, other issues may seem smaller and easier to cope with.
I appreciate how hard it is for you letting go of her and the fact that she wants no contact. But as you say you wouldnt want to hurt her anymore, so just keep writing down your feelings. Even if it does contain pages, that isnt a problem. They are pages of your thoughts, feelings and emotions and to reflect on how you feel, seeing it in black and white could help you.
Unfortunately it is a sad senario losing as close friendship/relationship and no doubt all of us would wish there were easier ways to overcome the turmoil and pain, but unfortunatly there is no easy solution, it takes time and hard work on your part to come to terms with it. It wont be easy but you are assured our help here.
With regards to your self harm, i dont personally think you are going to get far breaking the cycle at present with the turmoil and confusion you feel about your tutor. It is a addiction and you wont be able just to break that cycle. I know there are many different forms of self harm, but one suggestion i could give you, sorry if you have heard it before. But using a ice cube tray freeze some water with red food colouring in (ie like blood). If you really feel like self harming and cant go back to the point of not doing it, try taking an ice cude out and holding it in your hand. Do this over a sink, bowl etc and with the warmth of you hand it will melt and it may seem stupid but it has worked before trust me. Sometimes just watching the cube melt, feels like a release when you are watching it run out of your hand, like if you cut and it bleeds.
Sorry if it isnt the best advice you have ever heard but i am just using my experiences of dealing with self harmers at work and on numerous occasions it has given them a similar release as they get from hurting themselves.
Will be in touch soon, but havent been back from Nic for long. Had a really good day, was nice to meet everyone.
Of to get my pjs on now and have my usual wine and lager fix. See theres another for of self harm - tooooo much drink.
You take care hon.
Love Sal xxxx
Hi Briary,
I'm pleased that the dreams are variations now. Something is shifting inside and that's just what you need .
Take as long as and much as you need to write all this out. It's a type of emotional purging of all the stuff that you have been holding onto for so long .
I am sure that she will be pleased to hear that you are better when you have moved on. Just because she doesn't want any contact now doesn't mean she no longer cares about your welfare and how you're doing.
I guess the fact that I want that final contact just shows how unready I am to move on at present. If I was ready to let go completely it wouldn't matter to me what she thought.
Its a really hard thing to do - moving on but it doesn't always mean you're unready - maybe unprepared. If you were totally unready you wouldn't be seeking help to do this.
I don't think many people actually get to the point of really truly not caring about how someone who has been so close thinks of them, but do recognise that its unhealthy to keep it as a priority.
I don't think it's normal for someone of my age to still carry feelings around like this and for so many years. I've never moved on from that stage
You're right its not usual but this is where its at and you're now starting to learn how to move on . Usualy people move on naturally when they meet and transfer their thoughts and attention to some one or something else but that didn't happen for you possibly because you didn't meet anyone that you could trust and open up to so she was your total communication portal and thats very powerful.
Rest easy tonight.
Meg
Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind.
If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.
Robert Albert Bloch
Hi Briary
I have had a lot of experience with insomnia since I was about 15. When I stopped work and began to become agoraphobic it got even worse. I got to the point where I wasnt going to bed until 6am because if I went to bed before that I would just lay looking at the darkness and dwelling on things.
My husband became very cross with me for not going to bed and it caused a lot of rows. In the end, about twice a week I stayed up all night and all the next day and managed to fall in bed exhausted on the second night. It kind of cured my insomnia for those 5 remaining days of the week.
I used to sit up all night doing jigsaw puzzles, ironing, playing on the computer..anything that wasnt noisy that would keep me occupied.
Maybe that is something that you could think about?
I totally agree about writing everything down. Its really theraputic. It will allow you to get out all your feeling, both good and bad and is something private for you to have for yourself.
In time to come it will also be a firm record of how you are now so you can see how well you are doing. You may not believe it now but you are helping yourself immensely by sharing with us and asking for help/someone to listen. And belive me, we will do our best for you!!!!
Take care Briary, I hope you have a better night!!!
Love Sarah
xx
we arent mad, just the next stage of evolution :)
Hi Sal
Thanks for your message. I think you are right when you say I am trying to deal with a lot of different issue at the moment. I am feeling a bit overwhelmed trying to deal with them all at the same time. I suspect it may also be difficult for my therapist to know which issue to deal with first.
I am continuing to write down all my thoughts and feelings about my tutor. I'm feeling very distressed about the whole situation at the moment. I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that she is gone from my life forever but at the same time I don't feel able to cope with knowing that this is the case.
I am finding it impossible to break the cycle of self harm at the moment. I feel I've let everyone else down, as well as myself every time I give in to it. My therapist did suggest various distraction methods but I am not finding any of them particularly helpful at present. Once I feel the need to harm myself, nothing else gives me the same sense of release or calm, even though it is only temporary. I have heard of the ice cube trick before. I'm sure it can be useful for some but I don't cut and don't think it will work for me. I hit myself, either with heavy objects or hit limbs against things. For me it is the act of causing physical pain which is the release and also partly self punishment I think.
I am glad you had a good day today. I think you were very brave to go.
Best wishes,
Briary
Hi Meg
I am continue to write about my feelings for my tutor and there is so much to say. There are so many things that I feel were left unresolved from my time at college and also in the time since. I guess I just need to know that she doesn't hate me now. I need to know that I haven't destroyed whatever good she once saw in me, although I could never see it myself. I hope that one day I will be able to communicate some of my thoughts to her but in a way that doesn't make her feel so uncomfortable. I'm just not sure I haven't destroyed any good feeling forever.
I suppose you could be right in a way when you said that I still have these feelings because I didn't have anyone or anything to move on to. The thing is there was a time when there could've been, or you could say was, someone sort of. It wasn't a relationship exactly and it wasn't good. It is a very long story and one I'm not quite ready to share yet but the thing is, it all still came back to my tutor and those feelings I have for her have remained as intense as they ever were. Maybe when I feel ready to tell this story you will understand more.
I have spent the day with my friend today. Her husband was going away for the weekend and I went with her to take him to the airport. She has a one year old daughter she is adopting and has had her for almost a month now. I felt really awful today and have done since she has had the baby because I feel too anxious and self conscious to interact with her. This is so stupid because this is a one year old child I'm talking about who wouldn't care what I said to her, if I could say anything at all. Even worse, my friend has obviously noticed my discomfort and if she wants to leave the baby with me even for a minute she keeps asking if I'll be okay. I feel really pathetic for being like this. I was really excited for her when she finally heard about the placement because she's been waiting so long but now I feel like I'm spoiling it for her when I'm around. I just can't stop thinking how stupid I am.
When she first talked about adopting she was saying how we could still go out to places like the park or the beach and things like that. I said I could help her and babysit sometimes but now I just feel useless. She would be mad to leave her daughter with me when I can't say two words to her. I don't know what to do because I don't want this is come between our friendship but I'm worried that it will.
Briary
nomorepanic
08-08-04, 15:56
Hi Briary
I have just been reading back over some of your posts and I notice that you do seem a lot more positive and I think your opening up here is really helping you to understand things more clearly.
As for the one-year old. Children at that age don't remember much about what people say to them so just talk to her like you would anyone else.
Sit her on your knee and just chatter to her - they love the voices and facial expressions. You will be fine with her and babies are so lovely to cuddle. You could even just read some of your writings to the baby - it is just the sound that they like and she will never judge you.
I would love to go for a stroll along the beach now - it is so hot here and I bet the beach is lovely and cool with a nice sea breeze. Fresh air is a great healer too.
You are doing so well and thanks for the well wishes for yesterday - we all had a great time.
Perhaps in time you could write something for my website - maybe on self-harming and how it effects you. I am sure people would relate to it and it may help someone else too.
As for sleeping? I don't sleep that well but I have found something that helps. I have a fan on all night and the noise of it somehow makes me sleep better. Some people call it white noise. I also have one of those gadgets that plays lovely sounds like the sea, runnign water etc. Maybe that could help relax you too.
If you want to try something herbal, then I take Valerian to help me sleep.
Chin up ok and keep going you can do it.
Nicola
Hi Briary
You are doing well at the moment, you are accepting that there are so many issues that need dealing with and you know that you cant confront them all head on.
Keep doing the writing, that will help you. Tell your councellor which issues are most important to you and she will deal with each one as a separate issue. Sorting out you major problem about your tutor i am sure will also allow other problems you have to fall into place.
Everything does seem worse when you cant sleep, too much time to think and stew on issues. Try what Nic suggested, anything is worth trying.
Regarding your self harm, have you ever thought about buy a punch bag and when you get that urge to hurt yourself, tackling the punch bag. You are then distracted your self from harming yourself. We tried it with self harmers at work and they said it helped, as they still saw they were harming their selves as in beating the life out of a bag but it wasnt causing the physical damage of bashing their limbs against walls etc.
Hope you are having a good day.
Love Sal xxxx
Hope everything is going ok for you now and things are looking up, keeping everything crossed for you :-)
H
Hi Briary,
At one yr old , the important thing is the tone not the words so humming etc will do just as well .
You could resolve that this baby is a great practice opportunity for you and make a point of doing so and building your interaction with it. Reading to it will be good exposure.
I'm sure your friend will be appreciative of any help you can offer her. Are you confident with babies apart from the interaction ?
Meg
Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind.
If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.
Robert Albert Bloch
Hi Meg
I'm not feeling too good at the moment. I now have, what feels to me like another major problem and I feel so distressed I feel suicidal again at the moment. You'll probably think I'm overreacting but I can't help it. I stayed with my friend last night and I wasn't tired when she went to bed so she said I could use her computer. I went onto a self-harm forum I've been posting on but I couldn't log in under my name because I've just discovered my friend has registered on the forum. I'm really not sure how to handle this.
I discovered she is registered as someone who posted some replies on my thread a couple of weeks ago. This person was talking about a friend who suffers from depression and self-harms and was asking me if I'd felt the forum had helped. I posted a couple of replies and she told me she had persuaded her friend to look at the forum. Now I know none of it is true. I didn't know she was looking at the site or reading my posts. I had told her about the site but didn't expect her to visit it. Anyway, now I feel really bad and can't understand why she posted the messages. I really thought maybe I had helped someone else in some small way but none of it was true. It feels like the whole thing was a mockery.
While I was trying to log in I also discovered messages she had written about me and about our friendship. She said she'd asked me about thoughts of suicide and I'd denied them but from reading what I'd written she'd discovered it wasn't true. I feel devastated by the whole thing. I know I haven't always been honest with her about how bad I've been feeling but that's only because I didn't want her to worry about me. She sounded betrayed by me and I feel I've really hurt her and I don't know how to deal with this situation.
She also repeated things I'd said to her and I feel a bit betrayed by that. I'm sure she was motivated by concern for me but if I'd wanted to talk about those things myself I would have done.
I feel unable to cope with the despair I'm feeling right now. I made another excuse to pop home because I'm feeling really suicidal at the moment. I'm such a crap person to know, I don't think I can even call myself her friend. I didn't realise how she was feeling all this time and she hasn't mentioned any of it to me. I've come home and started battering myself because I need to block these feelings out. I really don't know what to do.
I know it must be difficult for her coping with me and that's why I try to put on a bit of an act when I'm with her and I don't tell her the details of everything that is happening. I realise now, she feels she has to try to cheer me up but when she read some of the things I've said she thinks she failed and I feel so bad about that. I can't find the words to say how much. It's not that I don't like spending time with her or appreciate what she tries to do. It's just that the slightest thing makes me feel really low and I find it difficult to enjoy any of the things I used to like doing. It's not anything she does or doesn't do.
I felt it what was a really safe place to talk about things that were on my mind. Things that I can't talk to ANYONE I know about. But now I'm not sure I can feel like that anymore and I don't know how to cope with feeling like this. I feel like I can't go back to that site because I might say something to hurt her again. I really hope she doesn't find this forum in case I've said the wrong thing. All I do is hurt everyone around me and make everyone else's life a misery. Maybe it would be better for everyone if I wasn't here anymore. I just can't cope with all of this.
You'll probably think I'm overreacting when I say I feel a bit betrayed and feel uncomfortable knowing she couldn't tell me about this. I'm not a very nice person or a very good friend if she can't trust me. I feel like I've let her down and I hate the fact that I've let this situation drive me so low again. I don't know what to do.
Briary
Hi Briary,
I can see both sides of this . Your feelings of being betrayed and undermined and her trying to understand more about you and the condition in order to be able to help better.
All her actions have indeed all been with your best interests at heart. The beauty of these forums is to be anonymous and ask for information/ help without giving away too much about yourself or the person you're asking for.
Seems like you both have things you keep to yourselves and I guess that one of your choices is whether to tell her what you found out and see whether it evolves into a discussion or you'd rather not let on and try to maintain the status quo . Just as you have these feelings she will have them too.
I don't think this has anyting to be do with being a crap person its so do with comfort zones and communication.
I think everyone has things they don't discuss with one person but will on line or with someone else and from this misunderstandings evolve.
There are several ways you could choose to move forward with this dilemma. Just a few options include whether you want to bring it out into the open with her or change your user name on the site and carry on and accept she was trying to help.
I get the impression that whilst you can't help it you do feel yourself that you might have been reading more into this and be overreacting.
At no time have you said the wrong thing....
You take care today please
.
Meg
Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind.
If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.
Robert Albert Bloch
Hi Meg
Thank you for your reply. I'm feeling a little calmer now about the whole situation but I still don't know what to do about it. I had planned to try and talk to my friend about the situation today but when it came to it I couldn't. I did start off talking about the forum and dropping hints, thinking she might want to talk to me about it as well, but she didn't say anything. I know I overreacted in a major way and I feel very stupid about that.
My friend knows most of the stuff that's happened in my life and so I don't worry about her reading most of the things I write about. The problem is that I don't always tell her just how bad I am feeling because I know it worries her and I don't want to put that burden on her. Now it seems she thinks I'm lying to her by not admitting to her that I was feeling suicidal. I didn't do it because I wanted to lie but because, as I say, I knew she would worry. But I felt bad because she'd written that she didn't know if she could trust anything I told her in future.
These forums are the only place I can admit to how I'm really feeling and now I'm a bit worried about doing that in case my friend reads it and thinks I'm keeping things from her again.
I really don't know if I should just try to forget what's happened or whether I should try again to talk to her about it. She obviously doesn't want to talk to me about this or she would've by now. Or is she just worried that she'll upset me?
The one other thing I am still concerned about is what she told this woman on the other forum about me forming attachments to women and how I was worried I drive people away by becoming too dependent. I now feel really embarrassed and worried about what this person thinks. It may be stupid to feel like that but I can't help it. My friend didn't just post the messages in an anonymous way but told this person she was talking about me. I don't know how to handle the situation.
I haven't done anything stupid by the way, even though I thought about it at the time. I did end up self harming quite a lot but that's it.
Briary
Hi Briary,
Just a thought. You could post on that board about how you don't always share everything as you're worried about overburdening friends etc so if your friend reads it - its almost meant for her - sort of explaining what you'd like to say should you speak about it. Play her at her own game.
Not ideal but might just get across the message.
Also you could set up another user name afterwards.
Meg
Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind.
If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.
Robert Albert Bloch
Hi Meg
Thanks for your advice. I have written a post on that board. That was a good idea. Like you say, not ideal because I should be able to talk to her about it, but it's worth a go.
Thanks.
Briary
Hi Meg
I feel really awful this morning. I've been really selfish and horrible. My friend showed up this morning. She came round especially to thank me for helping her at the weekend and she gave me some flowers. I haven't done anything to deserve her thanks.
I've been stupidly worrying about some posts on a forum and forgetting about the nice things my friend does for me all the time. I don't deserve a friend like her. She's always there for me and I think I'd have given up a long time ago without her support. Why am I such a worthless person? I hate myself right now.
Briary
Hi Briary
I have been following this thread, but have not posted before. From what I have read there is absolutely no reason why you should hate yourself. You are a kind, caring person who has been through some hard times and is trying their best to come out the other end. You sound like a fighter to me and I believe you're strong enough to overcome your hurdles and find peace of mind.
Your friend obviously values your friendship greatly so just treat the flowers as a lovely treat from someone who cares - and maybe repay the kindness with some chocolates in a couple of weeks!
Emily
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit
Understanding is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad
I'm pathetic. I don't seem able to control my emotions and gave in to the urge to harm myself again. Stupid. It didn't even help, I just wanted to do it more. Then I was in the kitchen and had a knife in my hand. I wanted to cut myself with it. I've never used this method before. Why can't I just get a grip.
I've got no self control and I just want to hurt myself. Punish myself for being this bad, horrible person. I am pathetic.
Briary
Whoa Briary-
Flowers are a gesture to say Thanks and bring a smile to someones face. Not to get the guilt going.
She brought you flowers because she really appreciated you at the weekend. This is her token of appreciation of you not your perception of your actions.
We each have different needs and whilst you may think you are worthless - she obviously doesn't and she appreciates your company and input and she thinks that you have done something that deserves her thanks.
You are worrying about those posts because its a personal thing to you especially where you are sharing private things and thats fine. It just highlights that whilst it was not clever of her , she did it in the name of friendship and learning more about you.
Meg
Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind.
If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.
Robert Albert Bloch
Hi Meg
I know it was a kind act by my friend. I just feel so stupid and pathetic for letting everything get to me like this. My friend giving me flowers should cheer me up. I shouldn't react to every small problem like this.
I feel out of control and it scared me to think what I might do when I get like this. I act on my emotions without thinking and sometimes feel I'm on a course to self-destruction.
I feel pathetic and selfish for being this way.
Briary
nomorepanic
10-08-04, 19:13
Briary
Why don't you send her a nice card and thank her for the flowers. Get one of those lovely cards with nice words on and add your own message.
Accept the flowers as a gift and try to talk to your friend about how you feel.
Nicola
I'm just being really stupid for feeling like this. I ruin everything I touch. I haven't talked to my friend about how I'm feeling. This is my problem, not hers. She hasn't done anything wrong.
I keep going from feeling sort of okay one minute to deep in the depths of despair the next. Just the slightest thing sends me crashing down again. And it is usually something really trivial that shouldn't even matter in the great scheme of things. I'm so pathetic for being like this. Some days I think I might finally be getting somewhere and then I feel right back at square one again.
The really stupid thing is that I can see what I'm doing. I can see how I overreact to the tiniest thing but I feel unable to do anything about it. I can't control the feelings that overwhelm me.
Briary
Hi Briary,
In your last posts you have been writing negative present tense statements . You really do need to counter these with some positive affirmations as currently you're embedding these dreadfully negatively biased ones that are not correct- your perception of yourself today.
You could smile each time you look at your flowers and tell yourself that you are a good person and deserved this beautiful gift. You may do it through gritted teeth initially but I guess that you never give yourself credit and praise where it is due and YES you do deserve it. Talk to yourself as you would talk to and support your friend. Each time you come up with a horrible though remind yourself to say a good one too.
It is not easy as you're not used to it but make yourself start .
Please do discuss this with your therapist and as she's a hypnotherapist once you move onto using that too then she can help with these untrue beliefs that you hold.
I'm glad that you do recognise that the thoughts are untrue/ out of perspective with what your friend sees in you.
Have you finished all your homeopathic doses ? I wonder if that's shifted anything. Sounds like you could do with some mustard or gorse Bach remedy at present.
www.bachremedy.com
Meg
Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind.
If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.
Robert Albert Bloch
Hi Briary
Sorry missed the posts yesterday but have caught up now.
Take a step back and look at this all. Yet another situation that has caused you anxiety with your friend. I dont think at all that she went on site to humilate you or make you feel bad, i honestly think she did it to understand and help you more.
She came to see you with flowers, that speaks volumes hon, no one has to do that unless they need to.
Look at her point of view she wants to help you and like all our friends do they know we are holding back, so by going on the site she probably thought she would know exactly how you feel. She hasnt betrayed you, she cares enough to put you friendship on the line to know exactly how you feel. That takes a true friend.
I wont repeat myself again about your tutor as you know what advice i have given about that.
Look at your friend now in a different and better light, she wanted to know all of you and help you however she could. Shows how much she cares so now maybe you should open up and tell her everything. If she was shocked or let down by you would she have turned up with flowers. I think this is her totally giving you the chance to be open with her whatever and showing that whatever you tell her she will still support you.
Lets not do the negative on this one but look on the postive, some people out there would love to have such a supporting, caring and loving friend.
Give yourself and her a chance.
Keep in touch and remember we are all here to help, keep talking to us all.
Love Sal xxxxx
Hi Meg
I know I should stop the negative thinking. My therapist has already spoken about negative thoughts. I just seem unable to stop myself doing it. I do realise I haven't been thinking clearly about this situation and I get angry with myself. You must find me very exasperating.
I have already been having the hypnotherapy, until last time when she decided to try the homeopathic remedies. I think she feels that I'm not getting much benefit from hypnosis. I'm not sure it is working for me. I'm still too anxious to reply to her even when she does the hypnosis. I'm not sure this is right.
I'm still taking the homeopathic remedy. I looked it up on the internet. It is Natrum muriaticum for 'anxiety and depression caused by suppressed grief and other emotions'. I'm not sure I should take anything else at the same time.
I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow so will have to see what she says about everything tomorrow. I've been putting everything in my journal so she'll know how I've been feeling.
Sorry to be so negative all the time. It is difficult to think any differently when I've felt like this for such a long time.
Briary
Hi Sal
I know I haven't been looking at this situation objectively. I know my friend did not want to humiliate me by going on the site and writing to this woman I've been talking to. I know she was motivated by wanting to help me and not knowing what to do for the best. It is because I know she was trying to help and that by not opening up to her I've made her feel bad, that I feel I've hurt her. I know I've done the wrong thing but I only didn't tell her everything because I didn't want her to worry but it looks like she did anyway.
How can I be totally honest with her and admit that I have at times recently seriously thought about killing myself? How does she cope with that? I feel awful for even having those thoughts and it is because I don't want to hurt anyone that I have refrained from doing anything. It would've been so easy to give in sometimes.
It may not sound like it but I do know how lucky I am to have such a good friend. She does so much for me and I don't think I'd cope without her. She is the only person in my life that I do trust.
I know I've overreacted and I'm not thinking straight. I am able to recognise my faults and a lot of the things about me that need to change. It is just not always that easy to do it.
Thanks for your support.
Briary
Hi Briary
Change is a big word for anyone let alone someone who suffers from anxiety. You shouldnt look at it as change but more adapting to situations. You cant change your personality, your life or who you are but you can adapt how you react to situations.
You say that you wouldnt dare tell your friend how bad you are feeling and thats why you havent. Reading your posts it is obvious that she wants to know the inns and outs so she can help you, otherwise why would she have done that for you.
Take the bull by the horns and be honest with her. God i know that will be hard but you have nothing to lose at all. Going on the site, she might not have done it to check up on you but just to understand how you are feeling more. So she has made a big step for you. She probably didnt even expect to see you on there as we all know how you find it hard to talk. So seeing you she has probably pushed you, for your sake to help you.
Dont hold it against her, its a good friend that will go to those lengths for you.
Open up and trust her because she obviously wants to help you whatever it takes.
Love Sal xxxxx
I saw my therapist this morning and I had a really helpful session. I had been able to write about all the past events that had happened with my parents and the situation at school in my journal. She said that she had found it most useful in being able to understand my problems better and to see a way she could help me to move forward from my current difficulties.
I had already written quite a lot about my dad in my journal previously, but I included a lot more information about my mum and how things had been when I was a child. She said she thinks a lot of my current problems are the result of emotional abuse as a child. She thought it had been happening all my life but when I got to 13 and started showing signs of distress my parents ignored the chance to help me and just wanted to protect themselves. I didn't get any support when I was crying out for help. She said because they ignored my problems and told me to be quiet it led me to feel abandoned and rejected.
My mum had her own problems when I was young. She was in and out of hospital a lot with stomach pains. I remember feeling frightened when she had to be taken into hospital by ambulance in the middle of the night and that happened quite a lot. I thought she was really ill but found out later that they could never find anything wrong, despite several operations. They used to give her injections of water and tell her it was morphine. But then she started working and it all stopped, but she didn't seem to want to be at home with us. My therapist thinks it could've been my mum's way of coping with dad's controlling behaviour but she also pushed me away and I felt rejected by her. I remember when I was 7 or 8 spending my lunchbreaks at school with one of the teachers because she used to talk to me and was very kind. I used to imagine she was my mum.
When all my problems with depression, anxiety and suicidal feelings started my therapist thinks my parents made things much worse because their actions made me feel even more worthless and bad.
She said I didn't get the emotional support I needed when I was growing up and my parents sent me out into the world without having learnt how to cope with life and I've isolated myself because I find the adult world a frightening place. She believes I'm an adult but with the emotions of a child. She even went as far as to say that it would've been better for me if I had been taken away from my parents.
My therapist also said that my parents hurt and punished me, and they taught me to hurt and punish myself, so they don't even have to be with me for the cycle to continue. She said that everyone deserves to be loved unconditionally but that didn't happen in my case, and I deserve to love myself.
She believes my dad is still controlling me even now and I have to work towards regaining control of my own life. She said from my journal it is obvious that I don't want to visit my dad most of the time because he still puts me down and causes me to feel worthless, and it just perpetuates the whole cycle, but am unable to say no to him. She thinks I need to work at finding ways of reducing my contact with him to a level that I feel comfortable with, and maybe at times when other people are around rather than it just being me and him.
She said the result of all of this has made it difficult for me to cope in the adult world and causes me to hide away. It also makes it very difficult for me to trust anyone. She said she recognises the conflict that I have for loving dad because he is my dad, but at the same time being scared of him and not really liking him much for the things he does.
She believes my attachment to women could be because the only times I have been shown caring and understand have been by female teachers, and by my friend but it doesn't matter whether I like women or men.
She said I need to think about some goals for the future, something to aim for. She told me to think about what I would want when I am over this depression. That's a hard question. It is difficult to see a time when I won'
Hi Briary
Dont apologise it was a long post, you need to let it all out.
Can agree with the counseller/therapist about your mum completely. Wanted to suggest this before but how far can we go on giving advice. It did seem to me that any female that shows you attention becomes a mother figure, something you have always longed for but have missed out on.
I am pleased you have taken that on board. I know you care deeply for the tutor you are no longer in touch with but could she have also replaced what your mother couldnt give you?
You have done really well talking so openly to your therapist and she seems to have done really well and understood straight away where you are coming from.
Keep up the good work with her as she will help you so much.
Love Sal xxxxx
Hi Sal
It's funny what other people can see that we can't see for ourselves. I'm not sure about my feelings for my former tutor being for a mother figure. I certainly don't see her that way but then I don't have completely grown up feelings for her either (if you see what I mean).
My therapist seems to understand the confusion I still feel about my sexuality. I am sure I don't like men. However, I feel confused about my feelings for women and the attachments I form. I don't have any answers to this question at the moment.
Best wishes,
Briary
Hi from Swit.
Excuse the spelling but the kezboard is different.
Sounds like you had a really good session with zour therapist and I agree with what shes saying.Much of it is what we've been working towards these last weeks .
At this point I'm not sure it's a priority right now whether you like men or not. Lets aim to the point where you like people .
It would be great that you not onlz see how a little one should be brought up but be a part of it and contribute too.
You have been doing so well in facing and thinking about the various issues. Don't judge zourself harshly. Try to cut yourself some slack and congratulate yourself each time you manage to be kind and gentle to yourself .
Meg
Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind.
If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.
Robert Albert Bloch
Hi Meg
Thanks for your message. How is Switzerland?
I went through the whole of yesterday without self-harming once, despite having to visit my parents last night. I have to admit to telling my dad a bit of a lie so I wouldn't have to stay too long. I spoke to my friend before I went to my parents and she said she would ring me at a certain time and I could tell my dad she needed me to babysit for a while. Maybe I should be able to just tell him I want to go but that's too scary at the moment.
I'm not feeling too bad today and am still trying to take in everything that was said yesterday. I must admit that I feel a bit disloyal in talking about my mum and dad the way I have been. I know they would be really angry if they knew.
I also feel like I'm making too much out of all of this and when my therapist said what had happened was emotional abuse I wondered if it was a bit over the top. I know I had a tough time with my parents, but my childhood wasn't as bad as a lot of people have to endure. I suppose I have to trust what my therapist says on this point.
Briary
Hi Briary
You are not going over the top in how you are feeling. Emotional abuse can do more damage than physically abuse and leave a long standing problem. You are been open and talking about it to Meg, me etc and your therapist. Take on board what she is saying, she has obviously got some very good advice to give you and the more open and honest you are with her the better she can help and advise you.
I wouldnt take on the worry of not telling your parents at the moment, there are far too many issues you need to solve before you are strong enough to even contemplating opening up to them.
How you are today will have a reflection on your past. I was sent to boarding school at the age of 6 and i hung on to certain teachers and looking back now i was looking at them as a mother figure as from the age of 6 i lost that.
Issues regarding which sex you are attracted to is something you shouldnt worry about either. Firstly before you can be certain of that, you need to get to know yourself all over again. I personally dont think a relationship more than friendship at the moment is advisable. Of course that is your choice but i really think we need to build up your self confidence and get to know what makes you tick before you considering letting someone into your life. Another rejection at this stage of your recovery would make a huge impact on your life.
I know you have issues about your friend and going on the self harm web site, but i truly admire her for her undivided attention and loyalty she is giving you. Try and be postive on this one, we all know it is hard when we hit the bottom, but be proud that you have such a good friend and take it for how it is, she likes you or she wouldnt be there helping you. Nobody is forcing her to be your friend she is because she wants to. So you know you will always have her support along with the support you can get on here.
Take care.
Love Sal xxxxx
Hi Sal
I think I've accepted my huge overreaction at my friend's postings on the self harm site. I know she was motivated by concern for me and I think my reaction is just an indication of my state of mind at the moment. I took Meg's advice and wrote on the site but I don't think my friend has been on there since. I'm just going to see what happens and maybe try to talk to her about it if the subject comes up. I think the best thing I can do is try to be more honest with her, even when I'm feeling really bad because she is obviously worrying about me whatever I say.
I know you are right about a relationship. I am no where near ready for this huge step and am not looking for anyone. I can't help questioning myself though. I don't know how I'll know if I have just seen other women, including my tutor, as a mother figure or if I am gay. I don't suppose it matters much at this time because the thought of any physical relationship terrifies me anyway.
Best wishes,
Briary
Hi Briary,
Goôd here thanks. Lots of familz stuff and the big 40 partz on Saturdaz for Stephanie.
Went for a hike todaz with a picnic which was great.
I agree with zour actions with Dad. Zou did zour thing bz going to see him but was gentle on zourself and left earlz. Thats fine .
I'm sure most parents wouldn't like to be a flz on the wall when being discussed and at this stage thez don't need to know anzthing about it .
I think an aim of zours could be to be comfortable to be in contact a varietz of people from both sexes and the actual gender issue is not a prioritz at all.
When do zou see zour therapist again and how much writing versus talking went on this time ?
Zes, do chew over what zou discussed and I expect that it will evoke some different sorts of writings for zou this week.
Take care.
Meg
Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind.
If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.
Robert Albert Bloch
Hi Meg
I'm glad you're having a good time.
I can see what you are saying about aiming to be comfortable in contact with people of both sexes but I don't know how I can achieve that. I'm still not comfortable with anyone I don't know well, but men are a real problem for me. I have to know men extremely well to reach anywhere near a comfortable level. Otherwise I feel extremely anxious and scared, and just have to move away.
I see my therapist again in 2 weeks. I'm still not speaking hardly at all with her, apart from the odd yes or no. She isn't pushing me to speak at the moment but I know it will come at some point. I don't know how I'll get on then. The only person I can actually talk to verbally about most things is my friend but I've known her for 20 years. Even then I still have trouble sometimes, like over the misunderstanding that occurred at the weekend.
Briary
Hi Briary
It will take time for you to adjust to how you feel about males or females. Especially now as your therapist has pointed out you could be looking for a mother figure.
But you know the most important issue at the moment is sorting out how you feel. It wont be easy but you have taken a big step forward by talking to us and seeing a therapist. Just remember when you are seeing her that you can tell her anything and she wont judge you.
Your friend has been there for you through it all, so why dont you approach her and tell her all about the site and how you knew she had been on. She will probably be relieved that you can talk to her about it all. I know you have confided in her but she obviously wants the full picture as she cares so much for you.
I am not saying it will be easy but you deserve all the help you can get.
You have come so far forward, now it is worth trying every avenue to get more help. Be open and honest however hard it is. It will help you so much.
Take care.
Love Sal xxxxx
Hi Sal
I spoke to my friend tonight. You were right, she was relieved to get everything out in the open. She said she hasn't been on the site since the last message I saw. She was worried I wouldn't trust her again but now it is all sorted out. She said she was worried but the woman I've been talking on there told her I just need some space sometimes and to get help from someone who is not emotionally involved.
She told me not to worry about possibly becoming attached to this woman because she told her it wasn't anything to worry about.
I suppose about the sexuality question, my therapist has just confused me a bit with the mother figure suggestion. She could be right I don't know. The thing is I am positive that I don't like men. I'll have to explain about that another time.
Briary
aiming to be comfortable in contact with people of both sexes but I don't know how I can achieve that.
This is not an aim for this week or next month but in time it could be possible.
Meanwhile verz glad teh issue with friend is resolved ....Well done ¨!
With the therapist zou could trz occassionallz to add in a couple of words but not trz to do too much too soon.
The sexualitz thing is't something zou need to worrz about now either so trz to focus on more immediate things.
Take care
Meg
Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind.
If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.
Robert Albert Bloch
Hi Meg
I'm relieved I have sorted things out with my friend. I felt awful having it weighing on my mind but no knowing how to resolve it.
I'm feeling a bit down this morning. I had some strange dreams last night. Firstly I had a nice dream about my tutor where we were together and I was really happy. But then I had a dream where I was back living with dad. I was writing messages to the forum on my computer but his face kept appearing on the screen. The I was in a car travelling with my tutor somewhere and we stopped at this place. There was a small hut and I went in and the door slammed and locked and I couldn't get out. I was calling out for my tutor but my voice was being muffled and the room started getting smaller and the ceiling was pushing me down. Then I was back in my room at dad's. I was trying to write on my computer but dad was blocking my messages. He said no one would ever hear me. Then I killed myself and dad was laughing. Stupid dreams.
I know it's probably just the revellations of the past few days and because I've been thinking about it. I'm going to try not to dwell on it. I'm going to see if my friend is home because we only talked on the phone last night and I want to tell her what a wonderful friend she is to me. I want to give her a hug (and that's something I find difficult - not good with physical contact)
Briary
I'm not doing too well tonight and I'm annoyed with myself. I had two more positive days and now the feeling of darkness and no hope has returned. I'm struggling with needing to harm myself. I need to release these feelings somehow. I've just used the Rescue remedy my therapist gave me. It's not helping at the moment. Sorry for posting this.
Briary
nomorepanic
13-08-04, 21:25
Hey Briary
Calm down ok and take some deep breaths
You are ok and you can overcome this yeah?
If you want to punch something then try a pillow and not yourself ok? You don't need to hurt yourself to release the anger.
Please don't do anything silly - we are here for you ok?
xx
Nicola
Hi there Briary
Im sorry you are feeling bad this evening.
I think its one of those things where we have a good couple of days and almost expect it to just keep getting better. Unfortunately it all comes creeping back in and slaps you back down.
The good thing is though that you have been feeling better!
Each time you have those better days is a definate step in the right direction and you have been doing brilliantly these last few weeks by sharing with us on here and also all the things you have been dealing with.
These feelings of darkness wont last and you will definately have more up days to come however you feel now.
take care
love Sarah
xx
Hi Briary
Unfortuantely hon it is how it happens, 10 steps forward then 1 back. Doesnt mean you have gone back to the start or all your good hard work has been demolished. It is just simply how you put it your are having a bad time. You will know by now that every postive day makes you stronger and more able to cope with the dark times.
You have posted on here before harming yourself, that is really well done.
You have had a few good days where you have acknowledged plenty of issues. Try to think now whilst you are feeling and thinking about self harm how much better you felt when you got it all out in the open with your friend.
At times like these we need to hold on to any positive thoughts we can and this is a definate one for you. She has showed you how much she cares and wants to know all you are going through.
However hard it might seem or sound, tomorrow is a different day and this darkness will pass and allow you to move even further forward. Youve had good days so hold on to them and focus that there will be more. It might not feel like it at the moment whilst you are down and under that dark cloud, but you know they do happen as you have just experienced them.
I hope you are feeling slightly better.
Love Sal xxxxx
Thanks for all your replies, I really appreciate them.
I suppose you are right Sal - I did come on here to talk before self-harming. That is a change for me. I would normally give in and then feel so ashamed and guilty I would come and talk about it here afterwards. Well, I still haven't given in. Being able to talk to you about it first helped and after three lots of the Rescue Remedy (my therapist told me to keep taking 4 drops every 5 mins if necessary), I finally felt a bit calmer and able to resist harming myself.
I've tried things like the pillow trick in the past. The trouble is I'm not trying to release anger. I only usually get the release of the overwhelming feelings I'm experiencing at the time by causing physical pain to myself. My therapist said it's possible I'm harming myself to save my dad the trouble of hurting me, that I've learnt to do it to myself and by doing it I'm giving him power over me even when he's not with me. Well, for tonight at least I didn't give him that power.
I'm just being impatient I suppose in wanting everything to change right now, especially after a couple of days where I've felt so much better. But these problems have been with me for so long, I really can't expect to recover from them overnight. I think the dreams from last night upset me too and pulled me down.
I'm hoping for less traumatic dreams tonight.
Briary
Hi Briary
Well done you. You have got through the nite without harming yourself, that is really good.
Your therapist seems to be doing wonders with you and i am so pleased she is someone you can relate to and open up to.
Anger, frustration, disappointment and letting ourselves down are all things we go through suffering like we have, but like you have acknowledge tonight in talking to me, you realise that you can have good days and they will come by again, probably quicker than before. On my start to recovery the good days were far and far between but they did come closer together. Not saying i am no where near how i was 6 years ago but i am still her believing in the good days.
Prioritise your feelings and the most important is forget about issues you cant change and deal with the ones you can.
You are doing really well and opening up so much more even about your parents. Saying if you hurt yourself it stops your dad doing it. He hasnt hurt you tonight and you havent hurt yourself either so you have got 2 in 1 there. Well done.
Keep talking.
Love Sal xxxxx
Thanks Sal. I really appreciate what you've said. Being able to talk to you and Meg, and everyone else on here has really been my lifeline and you all helped me get through tonight without self-harming so thank you.
I am beginning to trust my therapist. I trust her enough to write about the things I've discussed here. I still find it difficult to believe that she'll be there for the long haul. Too many people have said that in the past and then given up on me. But I'm trying to trust her.
I just have to face going to bed now. Unfortunately, my dreams are haunting me again. I'm feeling reasonably calm at the moment but I don't want dreams like last night again. There's not much I can do about it though.
Briary xx
Hi Briary
One thing i can reassure you on whatever you throw at your therapist she will be there for the long haul. I know you feel you have been let down before and people havent stood by you but lets go down the fate road if they were meant to stand by you all the way through they would have.
Your friend as proved her unconditional love for you and your therapist will have seen people in a lot more distress than you. Not dampening your problems at all, but working where i do i have seen rock bottom in so many of them and they couldnt even face talking like this.
Do me one favour we have all been hurt and let down in the past, but dont judge the future by the hurt you have had in the past. Judge everyone on a indvidual basis. Suppose it is similar to starting a new relationship if you judged the new one on the hurt of the old one we would go nowhere.
Just take your time and be proud you talked tonight before self harming and how you havent self harmed.
Actions speak louder than words and you didnt take the actions you felt like doing, really proud of you.
It isnt hard going to bed knowing you might have unsettling dreams but we all have them and the more stressed you are the worse and more bizarre they seem. But you still need your sleep.
Have sent you a PM message. Hope you get it.
Take care.
Love Sal xxxxx
Hey Briary,
Great day for you...You may not have felt good al day but the outcome was great.
Your posts have a much more spontaneous feel about them these last couple of days too.
You know what your Dad did and didn't approve of and you now compensate by thinking of harming yourself. Remember that those were his values alone and not universal ones. We do learn that all our parents say is not always gospel truth. It also doesn't mean they are Bad people , just that that is probably what they were brought up with and taught somewhere along their life journey.
Has the dream changed at all again ?
Did you get to hug your friend ?
Have a good day.
Meg
Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind.
If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.
Robert Albert Bloch
Hi Meg
I got through the rest of the night without self harming, with some great support from everyone here.
I know my dad isn't all bad and I have constant feelings of conflict because obviously I do love him as my dad but at the same time I feel incredibly hurt that he will never accept me the way I am. I'm always going to have to hide my true feelings from him if we can maintain any kind of relationship. I know he would disapprove of everything I'm doing at the moment. He doesn't believe in depression or anything that goes with it and would not understand that I am seeing a therapist again. He would be furious if he knew about me talking on forums and I'm just relieved that he doesn't use the internet. So it's not that I think he is all bad, I just can't handle the way I feel at the moment when I see him. I'm scared he's going to find out somehow and frightened of his reaction.
It is not as bad with mum because although I know she has the same views and opinions as dad, I don't see her very often. I don't think I've seen her since Christmas and she isn't really interested in seeing me. You would never believe we were mother and daughter. I have a better relationship with my step mum than my own mum, even though she too is homophobic and I can't talk to her about any of these problems.
I haven't had the original nightmare about my tutor for a few days now. I am still dreaming about her and I had a really nice dream last night where I was with her and she had the same feelings for me. I wonder what this means. My therapist said the nightmare was my subconscious telling me it is over and time to let go but now I'm dreaming about being with her. I don't really understand why.
I also had the same dream about my dad and the forum last night. I hope this isn't going to be a new recurring nightmare.
You asked if I got to hug my friend. Well, sort of. I always feel really awkward about that kind of thing. She made the first move to hug me and then I felt alright about it, but I can't initiate it. I know it's stupid and I don't really know why it is so difficult for me.
Have a good time at the party tonight!
Briary
Hi Briary
You did really well yesterday not self harming, you should be well pleased with yourself. It takes a lot of hard work to really take your thoughts about harming yourself, maybe i helped rabbitting on for ages LOL or maybe not!!!!!
About your dad, he is not alone in not understanding all about depression etc. That is one of the sad parts about it. I guess people like that will or would never understand unless they suffered themselves. So many people have only black and white views with no inbetween opinions.
You are obviously good at hiding how you feel, so rather than having your dad think you have let him down etc, keep hiding it from him, as you really dont need to take anymore extra disapproval on board as you have enough disapproval from within yourself without taking on others.
Hope you are having a good day.
Love Sal xxxxx
I've just been in the chat room or a while. I had a panic attack and didn't say much but I stayed in there rather than running away. Thanks to Nic for making sure I was ok.
Sal: Chatting to you really helped last night. I can't take all the credit for not self harming because you helped me take my mind off things,
I'm feeling a bit low tonight, one reason I went into the chat room - I needed a distraction. I don't know why I'm feeling low, just the ups and downs of depression I suppose. The weekends always seem worse somehow, I suppose because everyone else seems to have a life and I've got hours to fill with nothing to occupy them. Too much time to think about things.
Briary
Hi
Well done you did it. Even if you didnt say much you went into the chat room something you would not have done a few weeks ago. Give yourself credit i didnt expect to see you in there as soon as that. Really proud of you.
Nic is good and she knows exactly how you feel.
Will be on site later but at present going to calm Samantha down. High as a kite and has a friend staying so cant expect much else. Kids why dont they like sleep.
I know we talked a lot last night but you were the one that didnt self harm, so another reason to be happy with yourself.
Love Sal xxxxx
I've let everyone down again. I'm feeling very low today. I had a bad night last night with some very upsetting dreams. When I woke up this morning the gloom was hanging over me again. It only took something really stupid to push me over the edge. I gave in and harmed myelf again and now I feel really ashamed and guilty. I feel I've let you all down because I couldn't control it. I should be able to cope better than this. I thought I was making progress but then I slip right back again. I really hate myself at the moment.
Briary
Hi Briary
You HAVENT let us down!!
You have been suffering for such a long time that none of us will be dissapointed that you havent been 'cured' in the few weeks you have known us.
It takes time to get yourself out of something like this that gives you such a release.
The thing you have to think about is that you are doing brilliantly on here discussing your issues and letting your feelings out and also your periods between self harming are becoming longer and that is what makes us proud of you!
take care
love Sarah
xx
Thanks Sarah. I suppose I feel I've let all of you down because I'm know I've let myself down. It was such a trivial thing that set me off and harming didn't help because now I just feel worse.
Hi Briary
You havent let yourself down or us. You are not going to become free of self harming over night. You have suffered for along time on your own, and now you are addressing issues that you have never probably dreamt you would so you are doing really well.
You will still get bad day where you cant do anything but self harm, but the more you keep talking and all of us helping you then will get less. The only problem is it is going to take a long time, but you have that strength to get through it.
Dont punish yourself that you gave in and hold on to that comment you made "harming didnt help because now i feel worse". Next time you think of harming remember that on this occasion it didnt release any emotional tention and left you feeling worse.
I am sorry to hear you had another bad night with the dream. Was it involving your tutor again?
You should have come on the site or msn as i was on the computer until about 3 this morning and i could have chatted to you and maybe helped get you more chilled out before you went to bed.
I tend to find that if i go to bed really wound up i have some terrible dreams. Thats why i so often stay up late makes the night shorter and try and get myself really tired so i know i might sleep solid for a few hours.
Before i suffered anxiety i used to be tucked up in bed by 10 and slept like a baby. Not know though so i do appreciate how hard it is and i guess before you go to bed you are subconsciously thinking about whether you will have bad dreams.
I hope the day is getting a bit better for you.
Love Sal xxxxx
Hi Sal
I suppose I am expecting too much to be able to stop self harming altogether just like that. It was just after having a couple of good days, it seemed to hit me harder when I felt so low again.
Yes I dreamt about my tutor again and it was back to the really horrible upsetting dreams. I let it get to me this morning, so that when I got upset about something else it all became too much and I couldn't control the feelings of wanting to hurt myself.
I'm trying to distract myself now by coming on here. I don't want to give in again.
Love Briary
xx
Hi Briary
Its quite common when you have some good days that you are not used to when the bad days come around again they hit you harder.
Like you say you are not just going to be able to stop self harming over night, it will take lots of hard work and time, but you have both of them to offer yourself.
I am pleased you have come on to the site to distract yourself, i have to. So lets hope it works for her.
Sorry your dreams were about your tutor and bad again. But maybe like the therapist said it is your way of acknowledging it is all over.
Hard way to get over it but we all react differently to situations.
Love Sal xxxxx
I'm getting so angry with myself. I just can't stop thinking about it and wanting to harm myself again. It's like the longer I hold back, the more I want to do it. It is so stupid. I know it doesn't achieve anything but I can't stop myself thinking that maybe it didn't do it hard enough before...maybe if I do it again...harder...that it will help. I am so weak.
Briary
It isnt a case of been weak. You are suffering a lot of emotional distress at the moment and your way over the years of handling it has been to harm yourself.
You are not going to be able to break that cycle overnight.
Its like any addiction if we cant have it or do it, we tend to feel we need it more.
You are just at the start of your road to recovery and look how much you have opened up and talked about a lot of very personal issues that before you thought you wouldnt be able to do.
Dont be so hard on yourself, you have been doing really well and had a couple of good days thrown in aswell, a major achievement to how you have been feeling.
Hold on to the thoughts you had on your good days and remember your comment that when you self harmed it didnt make you feel any better.
I hope you are getting by ok. You know where i am if you want to text me or email me.
Take care hon.
Love Sal xxxxx
I felt a little better earlier this evening. I watched some tv - Where the heart is and then the Big Brother Winners Week but now I'm getting anxious and worked up again. I'm struggling with wanting to self harm again and I'm not sure I can control it.
I talked for my friend for a while but she had to go because she was tired. I'm really beginning to hate this part of the day.
Briary
nomorepanic
15-08-04, 23:12
Briary
It is cos u are alone and thinking.
You can control this and get over it and you can determine your future ok?
Just take some time to read all these posts back and see how far you have come. Just read them ok and you will see.
Take care
xx
Nicola
Hi hon
You have got through most of it though havent you. Nights are a hard time when you are on your own as there is noone there for you.
I hate the nights thats why i drink to help me sleep. It isnt like through the day when you can call a friend. Suddenly between the hours of 11 to 8 i feel so alone, thats why this site has been great for me.
I am not having a good night either. So i will be around if you want to talk later.
I am going to get Sam to bed and settled then will be about. Text me later if you want to talk and we can have some crack on msn.
Hang in there hon, you have done really well today, proud of you.
Love Sal xxxxx
Hi Nicola
Thanks for your message. I've been reading my posts back. I can't believe how much I've written in such a short space of time.
I don't really like reading what I've written previously, I always think what I've written sounds really stupid. I'm always asking for help to cope too and I often feel bad about that.
I'm trying to stop thinking but it is so difficult to stop the thoughts popping up in my head. I'm now listening to some of my favourite Barry Manilow music to try to calm down a bit.
Briary
Hi Sal
I have got through most of the day, although it's not been easy. The nights are just the worst. I wish I could sleep but there's no point trying at the moment, I'm too wound up. I wish I liked a drink maybe it would help me to relax enough to sleep.
I'm sorry you're having a bad night too. It would be good to talk on MSN later. I'll probably still be around.
Love Briary
xx
Hi hon
The nights are hard when you are alone. You have done really well today and got through a hard one, in one piece. If you want to talk i will try and catch you on msn.
Just going to sort out some washing, as Sam wants her swimsuit and towels dry for tomorrow to go in paddling pool again, like you do at this time of night, but takes your mind of it all.
You have done so well today.
Love Sal xxxxx
Hi Sal
I finally got off to sleep last night and had a nightmare. I had several actually and kept waking up. Finally went off again about 7.30 am but the phone woke me at 9.00. It was dad. I felt Ihad to answer it because I ignored it yesterday when I knew it has him.
He wants me to drive him to the shopping centre to get a present for my step mum. He originally said tomorrow but I said I am busy, so then he said today. I just agreed. Why can't I say no to him? Now I've got to deal with more anxiety because I hate driving dad anywhere. He always criticises the way I drive and I am so nervous with him in the car. It's not like he can't go in his own car but I always give in.
I don't really need this today. Sorry for the moan.
Briary xx
Hi Briary
Sorry that you had the nightmares again, i am pleased you managed to get to sleep after them.
I suppose how you feel about driving with your dad in the car, it wouldnt matter what day it was as whether you are feeling good or bad, you obviously dont like driving with him in, so maybe it is better that you get it over with sooner than later.
You have a lot of issues about your dad so it cant be easy when he asks you to do things for him. Hope you managed ok.
Love Sal xxxxx
Hi Sal
I'm back from driving dad to the shopping centre. I could really have done without that today but at least it's over with. It's true what you said, he would have just kept suggesting other days and I can't tell him I'm busy all the time. It's just that having him in the car when I'm driving makes me so anxious, whereas I'm using fine at driving around places I know. I can feel him scrutinizing my every move and I'm just sensitive to any criticism from him.
I get annoyed with myself for letting him get to me and for dropping everything when he wants me to do something. I can't just say no. I find myself trying to avoid phone calls, which I can't do all the time, or having to lie to him and I hate doing that. I feel bad about myself for feeling this way about him because although I do love him, I can't take the way he makes me feel.
I hope you are feeling better today.
Love Briary
xx
Dad's just been round again. I told him I had things to do this afternoon so I could come home after driving him to the shopping centre this morning. He came round to see what I was doing, like he was trying to catch me out or something. He said he'd been trying to call all afternoon and my line was busy so I couldn't have had anything very important to do. He said 'I suppose you've been on the internet again. What are you doing spending hours on there?'.
I can't believe he's checking up on me again. I had to quickly turn the computer off so he couldn't see what site I was on. I don't even know what he came round for.
I'm feeling so upset right now. I don't feel able to get angry at him so I feel like taking it out on myself again. How stupid is that.
Briary
If you're angry - you're angry and you cannot take it out on him so you've been used to taking it out on yourself for a couple of reasons.
Once you accept and then believe you have done nothing wrong and that you deserve better treatment you will slowly be able to transfer your anger to something less painful. If you do need to it yourself then also spend more time hitting a cuddly toy, cushion, chair or whatever you decide to transfer your anger onto.
Each time you get a self harm episode - then do both but spend more and more time on the cushion and less on yourself.
I know the physical pain releases emotions for you but go with this way as well.
Meg
Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind.
If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.
Robert Albert Bloch
Hi Meg
I'm sorry I got so worked up again. I keep letting him get to me and then I make it worse by hurting myself more. I can see logically what I am doing, it is just difficult to stop when my emotions take over.
My emotions have just been all over the place today. I was feeling really low this morning but was feeling better this afternoon until this happened. I need to try to keep better control of this but sometimes I don't think I can.
I'm feeling calmer again now. Just a bit upset because I shouldn't let him get to me so much. Somehow I always believe it is all my fault.
Briary
Hi
Sorry havent replied to your posts earlier on from today. You did well taking your dad and like we decided it was best to get it out of the way.
But he obviously needed to check up on you, for only reasons he knows. Its quite scarey when you cant even hide in your own home isnt it because i have tried to do it so many times and got caught out.
I know you are angry hon, but you shouldnt be angry with yourself, you have done nothing wrong and if people like your dad upset you, dont feel your are been weak etc and dont punish yourself with the anger.
A lot easier said than done but you are doing the best you can at the moment. You didnt need the pressure of your dad expecting you to take him then checking up on you, but we all know how we cant choose what happens.
I am pleased to feel you are feeling a little calmer, so again you have managed to cope and get through it. Look at the postive things you have done this last few days rather than the negative. If you look hard enough i am sure you will be surprised how well you have coped.
Speak soon.
Love Sal xxxxx
Hi Sal
Thanks for your message. I know I let him get to me every time and I shouldn't.
I've just come back from seeing my friend but it didn't go quite as planned. She's really busy at the moment and I think she could've done without having me round there tonight. I tried to appear more cheerful but I think I should just stay at home by myself when I feel like this.
I hate feeling so low in the evening because it only gets worse the later it gets and then I can't sleep.
Briary
Hey i bet your friend was pleased to see you.
I know when you feel like you do the nights are worse as we talked about before its a time when it is more prominent we are alone.
Will be on line later just going to sort a few things out, hope to catch up with you then.
You take care ok.
Love Sal xxxxx
I'm really sorry I feel like I'm losing it again. I'm trying everything to think about something else but I can feel it building up inside. I feel like crying but I can't and it just feels like it's overwhelming me again. I feel so tired but I can't sleep and I've hardly eaten anything all day. I just can't. I feel too sick. In fact I just don't want to eat at all at the moment. Even when I feel hungry it's kind of satisfying to be able to ignore it and not eat. I know it's not good but I've always overeaten in the past and it feels more satisfying to not eat.
But I still need to hurt myself. I'm really trying not to but it's so hard. I've been hitting pillows and soft things but it's not relieving these feelings. It's not hurting me.
I'm so sorry for being like this again.
Hiya Briary
Please dont feel that you need to apolgise to us, we are here to help you and listen to you but we arent here to judge you, believe me!!
Its going to take a while for you to get out of the cycle of self harming, it wont happen overnight but you are reducing it and by trying to transfer some of that anger towards pillows or a punch bag (have you got one?) as Meg suggest will get you on the right road so to speak.
How old is your dad Briary? Im guessing 60's or so in which case he is bound to not understand you feelings as he is of a totally different generation brought up with different ideas do you think? (not that it makes any excuses for how he treats you!)
Ive had a thought about why he may be like he is....perhaps he is worried about you and wants to give advice but has absolutely no idea how to show his feelings so it just comes out in anger and being picky. (again, no excuse but may help you believe that none of this is your fault, its just the way he deals with things?)
I remember you saying you wrote a lot about your feelings. As well as keeping this journal, why dont you try to make a list of positive things you have done just so you can look at them each day and help the good things stick in your mind.
I can think of loads to start you off.....
You go to your councellor and are doing well there.
You have a good friend that cares about you.
You managed to take your dad shopping.
You go visit him every week no matter how hard it is for you.
You are opening up brilliantly in here.
You have gone days without self harming.
You have been in the chatroom and chatted after worrying about it.
You have been for walks along the beach.
You have looked after your friends baby.
See theres loads for you to be proud of and thats just what I remember without re-reading your posts.
I used to keep a 'list of achievements' when I was agoraphobic and the first things on the list were small things like..I got out of bed and ate breakfast, later they progressed to things like Walked down the road for a pint of milk.
Keeping a list of positive acheivements is one of the best ways to remind yourself how well you are doing...and you are!!!!!!
take care
love Sarah
xx
Hi Briary
You are not alone when you feel like this. You feel like self harming but have tried other things first like hittting pillows etc.
Please dont apologise for how you feel, you havent chosen to feel like you do at present.
Lets look at how well you have done today, you took your dad out, many of us would have said no we cant but you did.
I will text you and if you want to talk on msn i am here for you. Dont do this alone after you have opened up and shared so much.
Love Sal xxxxx
forgot to mention you do need to eat to keep your blood suger levels up. Lack of food doesnt help you hon.
You got my text sorry missed yours but will see you on msn now.
Love Sal xxxxx
Hi Sarah
I think I'm probably judging myself more than any of you are judging me. I haven't got a punchbag, just used pillows tonight and I'm trying to resist doing anything more than that.
My dad is 57 and I do realise that a lot of people of his generation can't understand my feelings. I just wish he would be able to accept that that's the way I am even if he couldn't understand it but I know he never could. I don't think he wants to give me advice or anything. He doesn't know about my current situation and I couldn't tell him. He does this kind of thing all the time regardless. I just let him carry on because it's too difficult to try to stop him.
I think your list of achievements is a good idea. I'll try that. Maybe it will help me to stop focusing on the negatives all the time.
Briary
Hi Sal
Thank you for your support. I haven't self harmed yet but I've been so close. Thanks for talking to me tonight.
I know I should eat, I just don't feel like it. I usually comfort eat when I'm depressed but I'm just not hungry. Don't worry, it's not like I'm not eating anything. It's just a struggle to force anything down.
Love Briary
xx
Hi Briary,
How are you doing ???
Lucky
I'm feeling so bad today. Had another night of nightmares. I did get some sleep but still feeling tired.
I came on the internet this morning and I think I've really annoyed this woman I've been talking to. She's ignoring my messages and that't probably my own fault. I expect she's really fed up with me going over the same things over and over. I'm like a broken record. I've probably driven her mad. It's stupid to get so upset over something like this.
I just hate myelf this morning and even more because I finally caved in and harmed myself. Now I feel really ashamed about this. I can't seem to get my life together.
Briary
Hi
sorry you didnt sleep well again and had the nightmares, they will fade in time though.
Dont punish yourself that you gave in and harmed yourself, because that will just make you feel even worse. You have done really well over the last few days and managed to avoid hurting yourself, so look at the postives of that rather than the negative of hurting yourself earlier.
Why do you think you have upset this woman, she might not be replying to your posts for a number of reasons, busy, out etc. Dont read into it too much, i am sure if you have annoyed or upset her she will tell you.
How are you feeeling now?
Love Sal xxxxx
Hi Sal
I know I should look at the positives by remembering when I resisted self harming. I just feel so upset with myself for giving in.
I'm sure I've upset her or she's just had enough of me. I probably send her too many messages and she's backing off. It's my own fault. I keep repeating the same mistakes and don't learn anything. My emotions just take over and I can't control them. I don't even know her, only by what she's written to me but I feel really happy when I hear from her and right at rock bottom if she doesn't respond. I know I'm not being rational about this but I can't help it.
I'm still feeling like I want to self harm. I can't stop thinking about it.
Love
Briary xx
hi briary,
Can u phone someone to talk to them, someone like the samaritans? just so u can have some human contact. of course we are here pls don't think im saying we r not, but maybe they can help some more.
have u eaten today??
lucky
Hi Lucky
Thanks for your message. I find it easier to talk here. I can't talk to anyone on the phone or in person or anything. It would just bring on a panic attack and make me feel worse. I have emailed the Samaritans in the past but even they seem to have had enough of me. They're not replying either.
I haven't eaten today. It's not like I'm trying to starve myself or anything. I just don't think I can. I feel too sick and just can't think about food.
Briary
Hiya Briary,
How about fluids? are u drinking water or tea etc?? can you even manage a cup a soup? it may help you feel a little better - i don't mean to keep banging on about food briary, but pls try a little something. As sarah said you have alot of achievements lately pls don't be too hard on yourself.
You know we are here and putting your thoughts/feeling down can help a little as well
Lucky
Hiya Briary
I hope you are feeling better today.
Many people self halm and come through it; there is help out there, one of the hardest things to do is seek it. Seeing a counsillor is an excellent start.
It does seem to be a vicious circle. You feel selfish, guilt, flustration, social phobia, so you punish yourself for it. That then leads to feelings of self loathing, guilt, flustration .... And so it goes on each time adding one more feeling or thought to the list.
Try punching a pillow or using a red felt tip to mark instead of cut.
I can't even begin to imagine how hard life is for you at the moment, I wish I could say something to make things better for you.
Hang in there hun *hugs*
Love, light and Best wishes
Liz xxx
With hard work and determination and all the things you know.
The world is there for you to take. There's nowhere you can't go.
[:p]Scatty Eccentric & 'Poet Laureate to panic and anxiety'
Hi Lucky: Don't worry I am getting fluids, have been drinking water. As I said I'm not starving myself, just finding it difficult to eat. I forced myself to have a slice of toast but I didn't really want it.
Liz: Thanks for your message. I have started counselling, I'm just having a bad day. Just knowing people care helps.
Briary
Hi Briary
I am glad you made yourself eat some toast. I know it is hard when you dont feel hungry but not eating will make you feel worse.
Remember its a bad day your having and better once like you have had recently will come back.
Take care.
Love Sal xxxxx
Hi Sal
I just feel I'm not coping very well today. Nothing is stopping the feeling that I need to self harm and I feel emotionally drained. I tried to sleep this afternoon but couldn't.
I hate feeling like this again. I thought I was making progress but now it feels like I'm back at square one. I'm sure I'm driving everyone mad and it's difficult remembering that I was feeling better a couple of days ago. It's another week before I see my therapist again and I'm just not coping.
Love
Briary xx
Hi Briary
Take a look at some of our other posts - everyone single one of us has downs as well as ups on our way to recovery. There are loads of posts where people are despairing because they have slipped a bit but eventually, with support and time, they claw their way back as I am sure you will.
Keep your head up hun and keep trying - there will be brighter days eventually.
Emily
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit
Understanding is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad
Thanks for your message Emily.
I know this is probably just a blip. It's just the worst day I've had for a while and I've felt like giving up. I can't shake the feeling off and I hate myself for not being able to pull myself together.
Hi Bri
You might feel like giving up but you cant, you have done so well.
I know you cant remember the good days, as when we hit the bad ones nothing else counts, and we cant remember how good we felt how ever hard we try.
You keep talking and tryijng and that is so positive. I felt so bad tonight i avoided coming on line so i didnt have to interact with people, you did better than me.
But when i came on line Nic was still up and talking to her, then Kate came on and Amer made me feel so much better as these are the people who understand and care how we feel.
Keep trying hon as you are doing so well.
Love Sal xxxxx
I'm feeling quite a bit better today, which isn't hard considering how I was yesterday. I had about 3 hours sleep last night but at least I didn't have a nightmare.
I've spent a nice morning with my friend and her daughter, and we had lunch together. I even fed her baby for her so she could get on with a couple of things.
Thanks for all the message of support over the last couple of days. I really appreciate them. And thanks to Sal for talking to me last night which really helped.
I'm feeling a bit stronger which is good as I have to face visiting my dad tonight. I know that sounds horrible but I couldn't have coped with seeing him if I'd been feeling the same as yesterday.
Briary
..... and you say you don't know what you do to help your friend .. !!
Being there as support when I'm sure she's scared stiff with a new baby without pregnancy hormones to help and you feed it too. I think you definately need to give yourself credit and praise for a few things. Start with that !
Meg
Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind.
If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.
Robert Albert Bloch
Okay maybe I do help her too sometimes.
I know she is getting used to having a baby (she's just adopted her - she one year old) so she's had a major upheaval in her life. She left me on my own to feed her which was easier because I feel more comfortable when I'm on my own with her. She said she knew I would. I'm going to try to help her as much as I can.
Briary
I got back from dad's earlier. As soon as I got round there he was asking where I was this afternoon and why didn't I answer the door. I told him I was out (I was at home but was busy at the time). He asked why my phone was engaged then. I had to say the phone had been knocked off. I don't think he really believed me and I hate lying but he doesn't give me any choice.
Then when my mobile went while I was there he wanted to know who it was. I just said it was my friend and he waited as if he wanted to know more but that was all I said. I didn't think he had to know.
Still I got through the evening there and am relieved that it's over for another week. I know that sounds horrible.
Briary
Correct - he didn't have to know ! Well done.
Meg
Hi Meg
I'm not having a very good morning. I've been so stupid and dad's been round here shouting at me. I ordered a book on the internet the other day and dad turned up this morning with the package. He said he'd brought it round because I wouldn't have been up when the postman came, which isn't true. He'd opened it and is furious because of what I ordered.
The book is called Becoming Bobbie and it is about someone coming to terms with realising she is gay and her struggle with the rejections she experiences from her family. It caught my eye because it says 'she is drawn to her sympathetic teacher'.
Of course, dad does not approve of such a book. He said it is disgusting filth. I can't cope with confrontation with him, I couldn't help bursting into tears. He just threw the book at me and stormed out.
He's gone now but I can't stop shaking. I feel really upset and I can't stop crying.
Briary
Hiya Briary,
I hope this isn't the wrong thing to say but the thing about the book etc is your dad's problem NOT YOURS. he has the issue with it and at the end of the day you are an adult and he really can't tell you what you can and cannot read.
Take care
lucky
Briary,
How dare he open your post !! But I guess I'm not suprised.
This is a major disciplinary offence witin Royal Mail but of course it'll be too awful to even contemplate this.
This is the best example yet of how controlling HE is . His issue not yours. You - yet again- have done nothing wrong.
His behaviour is completely appalling and I can fully understand how upset you must be.
It seems to me that in your current location and situation the most protcetive thing you can do currently is to slowly try to distance yourself and freeze him out from you. In time you may feel able to change things.
Meg
Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind.
If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.
Robert Albert Bloch
I agree entirely with what Lucky says. He shouldn't have opened the package at all but, he did, but he has no right to have a say in what type of reading material you choose. You are, after all, an adult with adults rights.
BUT, having said that, it is also terribly hard to overcome a fear of confronting someone when that someone has been trying to run your life for you for very many years.
It is additionally hard when that person is a parent, lots more issues involved, and much harder to put forward your own views when you have been used to constantly being told how to think, what to do etc.
Low self esteem is incredibly hard to change. I know, as I also find it hard to confront people even when I know I'm completely in the right.
Very small changes are needed to enable you to change the complete picture.
I have started by saying "no" to very small requests from people, requests that I haven't wanted to carry out but that are insignificant enough to not have a large bearing on either my self esteem or my relationship with the person in question.
Briary, until you can start asserting yourself with your dad I think you will find it very hard to overcome all the other problems in your life.
From your postings it would appear that he has a very strong bearing on how you perceive yourself and therefore everything else in your life.
It wont be easy to turn round your relationship with your dad. It may never be the ideal father/daughter relationship. But it CAN improve.
Kate x
Hi Meg
I know he could get in trouble for opening my post but like you say I don't feel able to do anything about it and despite everything I wouldn't want to get him in trouble.
I'm trying to calm down. When he left I really felt like self-harming again. I came so close. But I'm trying to remember what's been said about punishing myself just saves my dad the trouble of doing it. I can't let myself hit rock bottom again because of this. He just gets to me every time.
I think you may be right about trying to distance myself from him but it is not that easy when he is constantly checking up on me.
Briary
Lucky: Thanks for your reply.
Hi Kate
You are right it is very difficult to stand up to my dad and I don't think I'm strong enough to try at the moment. I've been trying to avoid him rather than risking conflict. It is very difficult to say no to him. I try to say as little to him about my life as I can but it seems the more secretive I become, the more he checks up on me.
I know my problems with my dad are a major part of my current issues but I don't think he'll ever change and I know I have to find a way to live with things the way they are.
Briary
I have to admit if I've flipped my lid, Even though I dislike confrontation.
It's not you who should be punished, you've done nothing wrong.
And you must keep telling yourself this.
You are your own person and old enough to make desisions for yourself.
If you were 10, I could understand his objections.
But you are a grown woman, with a life of your own.
What you decide to read, watch on tv, or do is your own business, no one elses.
If you decide to dance naked round a bonfire in the back garden it still has nothing what so ever to do with him! Father or not.
No wonder you are in knots. I would feel just the same.
To be honest, speaking personally, I would feel like I was having my free will taken away from me.
I know we all want to do right by our parents, they love us and want only the best for us.
But sometimes we have to make our own way in life.
I think personal distance is key. I agree with Kate, if you can assert yourself with your Dad then everything else will begin to unravel itself.
Use your free will to decide when you want to see him.
Easier said than done, I know.
Hang in there hun. *hugs*
Love, light and Best wishes
Liz xxx
With hard work and determination and all the things you know.
The world is there for you to take. There's nowhere you can't go.
[:p]Scatty Eccentric & 'Poet Laureate to panic and anxiety'
Thanks Liz. I know I should be able to do what I like but it is difficult when my dad is still trying to control my life. I know I am not a child but he still treats me like one.
I don't tell him anything about my life if I can help it but he resorts to checking my post and coming round here constantly to check up on me. I was stupid. I should've realised what might have happened and asked my friend if I could have it delivered there. I just feel I shouldn't have to do that.
I'm still feeling upset and the events of this morning have lowered my mood again but I've fought the urges to self-harm and haven't given in so far. I've been madly clearning the house and doing anything to try to keep my mind off harming myself.
I'm going to watch a dvd now and try not to think about things for a while.
Briary
I was stupid. I should've realised what might have happened and asked my friend if I could have it delivered there. I just feel I shouldn't have to do that.
You were not stupid. Does he make a habit of opening your post before its delivered ?
Agreed , you shouldn't have to resort to alternative addresses.
He is such a 'in your face person' that it's hard to avoid him and as many people find once they're under suspicion - checking up on someone becomes an obsession .
How many people get a PI onto checking up on their husbands/ wives ...
It's very similar.
I agree with Kate. Dad's behaviour is your original issue and the other issues have grown as a result of this oppressive environment.
Do you need Dad for anything positive - Does he have a real hold over you other than emotionally ?
Meg
Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind.
If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.
Robert Albert Bloch
nomorepanic
19-08-04, 16:16
Briary
No wonder you are mad - what a cheek opening your mail like that.
It must be hard to say/do anything cos he is your dad and we still respect and sometimes fear our parents even though we don't like things that they do.
Hope you are feeling better now after watching a DVD and chilling out.
Take care ok?
Nicola
Hi Meg
I know he looks at the post I am getting because he has said before 'I see you had a letter from so and so', but I didn't realise he had opened anything. After today I think that maybe he does. I know my step mum says he routinely opens her post and tries to make it look like it hasn't been opened.
At the moment it feels like the things dad is doing are causing me to feel worse, but he's still my dad. He does have a hold over me financially because when I lost my job he did help me out and now he brings it up every time something happens. I didn't ask him for help but he insisted at the time. I know he was trying to help then but now I wish I had been able to manage without him. I feel obligated to do want he wants, when he wants me to go round because of it.
He also knows all the right buttons to push emotionally and I feel so guilty when I try to say no to something. I feel that whatever I do isn't good enough and even when I try to please him I can't do anything right.
It's difficult to distance myself from him because he won't let me. I wish I was like my brother and could stand up to him but then they just refuse to speak to each other now and that's not really the answer either. I already feel more of a stranger to my mum rather than her daughter and I don't really want to lose the rest of my family too. I don't know what to do.
Briary
At the moment it feels like the things dad is doing are causing me to feel worse
This is very apparant.
He does have a hold over me financially because when I lost my job he did help me out and now he brings it up every time something happens.
I feel obligated to do want he wants, when he wants me to go round because of it.
That is now way in the past and no longer a valid reason - He cannot use that emotional button for ever. Its really past its emotional sell by date but you keep looking at it in your fridge.
You need to start to cut that tie of feeling and being obligated by something that was several years ago and not instigated by you -however useful it was .
I was wondering whether he helped you now.
I feel that whatever I do isn't good enough and even when I try to please him I can't do anything right.
Accept it's unlikely that you're ever going to please him and that you are absolutely fine and right in building a life that suits you not him. You need to live it - just as he needs to live with his unhappiness with how the world has changed.
We have a range and variety of products in our shops so people can choose items that they like and are drawn too. None are right or wrong -they are choices. Its exactly the same with our life choices.
Meg
Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind.
If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.
Robert Albert Bloch
Hi Briary
I am not surprised you were upset, your dad had not business opening your post. Its personal to you whatever you receive in the post and has nothing to do with him at all.
He affecting your life too much at the moment and isnt giving you the space to be who you are and for him to just accept it. Like you have said in previous posts he doesnt understand and wouldnt if you tried to explain it to him.
If you feel up to it when he contacts you again turn it back on him and say how disappointed in him that he has opened your post and let him dwell on that. Try not to getting into a confrontation with him. Short and sweet, leave him unsure what to say.
Take care.
Love Sal xxxxx
Hi Meg
My dad does still offer money but I wouldn't accept unless I had no other choice. I don't want to feel that I owe him.
He does do other things for me sometimes. I don't want to make him sound really bad because of some of the controlling things he does. When I was in hospital earlier this year, he came to visit me every day and helped me when I came home by bringing me meals round and things like that. He did try to talk me out of having the hysterectomy in the first place and told me I was mad but he did help me when I went through with it.
My problem is that I don't want to cut ties with him altogether because he is my dad but I feel so bad when things happen like this morning.
Briary
Thanks Nicola. I watched Finding Nemo this afternoon and I've begun to read my book. I'm feeling calmer now because I know dad is unlikely to come round again or phone me at this time.
Hi Sal: I wish I could turn it back on him and say something but he would never be lost for something to say and it's just too scary for me to contemplate at the moment.
Briary
Hi
No problem if you cant say anything to him and you dont feel he will be lost for words.
Just try to keep your life more private from him if he reacts like that.
I am sure he cares so much about you as showing he came to visit you all the time in hospital. But he obviously cant understand how you feel, so best keeping those issues away from him. Agree to disagree if you get my meaning.
Hope you are doing ok.
Love Sal xxxxx
Hi Sal
I agree with what you are saying. I do need to keep my life private from him. I do try to do that but sometimes he still manages to find out things I really don't want him to know.
I've got through today without harming myself, which has been difficult at times, but I'm now getting to the part of the day which is most difficult for me. The feelings are building again and I'm finding it more difficult to stay in control. My emotions are overwhelming me again.
Love
Briary xx
Hi hon
You have done really well today especially with what you have been through and another day has gone by when you havent self harmed.
Be proud of yourself you have done really well again.
It must be hard when he finds things out that you dont want him to know about but it is your life and he doesnt need to know anything about it.
Whatever he finds out, leave him thinking and dont give him so much a reason why etc, will be hard but he doesnt need to know. It obviously isnt just you he tries to find about as does it to your step mum, so it isnt directly at you, it just seems the way he is.
We both know the nights are the hardest but you have got through it so far. You may feel overwhelmed but you are still turning to the site before harming yourself so that in itself is worth a big well done.
Your dad might be hard on you, but lets try for you not to be so hard on yourself.
Lots of love Sal xxxxxx
Hi Sal
Thanks for saying you think I've done well. I am trying to distract myself. It is difficult to describe the feelings that are building up inside but I'm trying not to act on them.
How are you doing?
Love
Karen xx
Hi Karen
You have done so well tonight, you should be pleased with yourself.
Take care and we will speak soon.
Love Sal xxxxx
Hi Sal
Thank you so much for last night. You really helped by talking to me when I was on the verge of giving in and self harming.
Thanks for dragging me into the chat room! I couldn't have done it without you.
Remember that you did so well last night too!
I hope you managed to get some sleep this morning and are feeling ok today.
Love Briary
xx
Hi
You did really well in the chat room. I am not feeling to good but starting to get anxious about going out tonight.
Decided that i was going to go with mum and get it over with, but she rang and said she could go but next week would be fine, so i let her talk me out of it.
She said we can go on monday, i just agreed didnt tell her i am away until wednesday. Say it slipped my mind.
Hope you are feeling ok today.
Love Sal xxxxx
Hi Meg
Despite a really difficult day yesterday I got through without harming myself, thanks to all the support from everyone here and particularly Sal with whom I sat up talking most of last night.
I also spent time in the chat room, thanks to Sal's encouragement. I had a couple of panic attacks but sat them out and didn't talk much at first but got a bit more confident with time and was talking more.
Sal and I were online talking until 5.30 this morning and I'm feeling a little better today, although still worried about the situation with dad.
Briary
Hi Briary
Well done to you sitting out the panic. I know its hard but you sound like you did well!!
Im glad Sal was there for you...definately a late one for both of you so dont be too surprised if you feel a bit naff today either of you!!
take care
love Sarah
xx
Hi Sarah
Thanks for the message. I've been out for a walk along the seafront this morning to try to clear my head. I've also been to the library to get a couple of dvds to watch.
I think only having a couple of hours sleep was beneficial - not enough time for nightmares.
Briary
Hi Briary
I understand what you say about the nightmares. Maybe little and often sleep is best for you..dont they call it power napping in posh business terms...lol?
I wish I had a seafront near me to go walk along. It really does help blow away the cobwebs doesnt it?
What DVD's did you get?, anything good?
love Sarah
xx
Hi Sarah
I got Brother Bear and Freaky Friday. I like all the kids films.
Love
Briary xx
Hiya Briary
I love movies like that too so you arent alone in that one..lol
Ive not seen brother bear but freaky friday was good!!!
Enjoy!!!
love Sarah
xx
Hi Sal
I'm sorry you're not feeling too good and getting anxious about tonight. You were looking forward to it and remember you were going to have a drink for me!
I'm glad you didn't have to see your mum, I know you can really do without that at the moment. Put yourself first for a change.
Hope you feel better and can enjoy tonight.
Love Briary xx
Sal and Briary,
Good for you both. Marathon session then . Excellent . I just missed you then as I was up at 5:30 and had a quick log on whilst having breakfast.
Hope you both got some sleep !!
Glad it was bright enough to have a walk in. It's absolutely poured ever since I left here at 05:45 and still is tipping it down.
I like Ice Age.
Meg
Hi Meg
I've just had a message from my step mum. She tried to ring but I've been ignoring the phone so she left me a text message. She said I should apologise to dad to make the peace and I should know how he feels about that kind of thing. I had hoped she might have been more sympathetic seeing as he opens her post too but I think it is because of the gay issue again.
I had a panic attack earlier because someone was banging on my front door and I thought it might be dad. I hid in my bedroom and they went away.
I hate feeling scared like this all the time.
Briary
Hello Briary
The static facts remain:
You have nothing to apologise for him for and she has no right to be issuing commands to you.
If he hadn't been illegally opening your mail then he couldn't have been offended.
You do know how he feels about it which is why you hadn't told him what you were ordering.
She's probably getting some heat from him and wants the situation over with so she can get some peace.
I know its a difficult one for you so think through your various options before deciding what to do.
You have done NOTHING wrong.
Meg
Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind.
If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.
Robert Albert Bloch
Hi Hon
Pleased you had a nice walk by the sea. Must have been talking about Brother Bear last night got you to rent it, it is a really good movie so is Freaky Friday, i watched that on sky box office last week with Sam.
You have no reason at all to apologise and if your step mum is getting grieve of you dad, maybe that is why she is pushing you into saying sorry to him, but the end of day you have done nothing wrong at all.
He is the one that over stepped the mark and broke the law. Whether he accepts how you are or not, that is not your problem it is his and you have no reason to change for anyone and be happy with how you are.
Dont let yourself be dragged into his small minded opinions (sorry if that sounds harsh) not meant that way at all but if he cant be open minded, you stay well out of it.
Hope you are enjoying your movies.
I have actually felt better as the day has gone on, i am like you sometimes i feel better having short sleeps. Like Sarah says the power naps.
Love Sal xxxxx
Hi Meg
Yeap when i read your pm you had just missed us. We gossipped all night, but i didnt feel tired at all so better than tossing and turning.
Hope you are ok.
Love Sal xxxxx
Hi Sal
I am not sure what I am going to do about dad or my step mum at the moment. I am just avoiding their phone calls and hope they don't come round.
I'm glad you're feeling better.
I haven't watched the dvds yet. Thought I'd keep them for the weekend as I haven't got any plans. I thought I'd check out Brother Bear after you said it was good!
Love
Briary xx
Hi Meg
You are probably right that my step mum is getting grief from my dad because of the situation.
I don't know what to do. I can't stand all of this tension and uncertainty. I don't feel able to see him or talk to him at the moment and that's why I'm avoiding answering the phone and won't answer the door either. But I can't go on hiding forever.
I'd rather just forget about the whole incident and not have to talk about it with dad but I also know from experience that he won't back down. Maybe it's better to just apologise and hope that's the end of it. It's what I've always ended up doing in the past.
The situation is just making me feel really anxious and panicky, and is not helping my mood either.
Briary
Yes It would be easier to ignore it but that doesn't seem a viable option. I would guess your Dad is like a dog with a bone when fired up.
What options do you think are available to you ?
I do think this is an excellent example to use to set a boundary -now or later on when able to face it more.
It's a national legal issue. What he found in your package is actually irrelevant.
You could - in no preference order
- text Step Mum back and tell her you are deeply disappointed in his actions and behaviour and that you will not be in contact for a few days.
- apologise and feel violated again
- discuss with out of contact brother
- write to him and state the 2 facts that
1) illegal to open your post in his priviledged position
2) He has no rights to censor what you buy/ read.
- send a solicitor letter.
- ignore them for a few days
- speak to them but refuse to discuss the subject at all
- to to Gay Pride next week and get on TV ...( kidding )
I'm sure others and your friend will also suggest options but the main thing is that you have to be willing to carry it through.
Ps - You still are in the complete right, so this time please do not allow him to make you think you did wrong in any way . You haven't - even if the action you eventually take seems to endorse this .
Meg
Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind.
If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.
Robert Albert Bloch
Hi Meg
Thank you for the options you suggested. I've avoided any contact for today so at the moment I'm probably going down the 'avoid them for a few days' road, but that's really just me trying to avoid having to deal with the situation and hoping it will go away.
Although I feel really weak for doing it I know I'll probably end up apologising which really doesn't get me anywhere except making the whole thing disappear for a while, until the next time.
You are right when you say that whatever I decide to do I have to be willing to carry it through, well willing and able to carry it through. I really think the only option I am able to cope with doing are either:
- apologise
- ignore them for a few days
and then
- speak to them but refuse to discuss the subject
It feels like giving in again but how ever brave I am saying I will do something more direct to resolve the situation, I know I wouldn't be able to go through with it. I don't have the courage, at least not at the moment.
Briary
Hi
It wont be hard at all to face up to the situation and say how you feel, but if you need to take a few days out of it to sort out the best way to handle it you do that.
I wouldnt leave it too long as you forget how much he upset you and you will apologise. If you cant face telling him how you feel, dont do it but i also however hard it is for you wouldnt go straight in and apologise because he again will see you as been in the wrong and you really dont need that added pressure.
I am not suggesting for a minute that you confront him all guns blazing because that isnt you, but dont back down completely and apologise for who your are. Even if you go on the simple approach as you dont appreciate what i get in the post but that is personal to me and say no more, you havent backed down or made a major issues out of it.
Love Sal xxxxx
Hi Sal
I know it is probably not a good thing to do to apologise to him but I just know it's what I'll end up doing. I really am not brave enough to do anything else. If I try to put my point across at all I know he won't accept it and I'll end up breaking down and crying again. I really hate doing it but I can't stop myself, no matter how hard I try.
I realise this situation with dad can't go on forever but I don't feel able to do anything else at the moment. I do want to be able to live my own life without worrying about what he thinks or might do but I don't feel strong enough to face this problem yet. Maybe that will change in the future.
Love
Briary xx
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