Does anyone stay in a relationship that doesn't work, because they need HA support?

[LF87]

This is a bit of an odd question I know.

I've been in this relationship nearly three years. He's done some really rubbish things, like cheating on me last November when my Mum was critically ill in hospital. He's jealous, he can be aggressive, (not violent), and sometimes makes me feel really bad about myself. The relationship took a real nose dive when this health anxiety reared it's ugly head, which was a few months after my Mum was taken ill. He can be very supportive about it, or he can be angry at me asking him to check things for me, or talk about my newest worry. But either way, he gives me the reassurance I need. Don't get me wrong, he has a lot of good points too, I'm not totally crazy, (yet), but generally I feel like it's not working out, and it's creating a lot of anxiety on top of everything I already worry about. My friends and family have advised me for well over a year to get out of it, as they feel he is abusive emotionally.

But my question is, does anyone else feel the real reason they stay in their relationship because they couldn't cope without the support? I just don't know what to do. I had a scare with my Mum last week in which I took her to A&E, and he did absolutely jack swear word to make me feel any better or comforted about it. In fact he was particularly horrible to me the day I was in the hospital with Mum. I'm having my own panics at the moment, I have a doctor's appointment next week, and he's not helping me at all now either.
I just feel very alone. I can talk to my friends kind of, but they just think it's funny and cant believe I worry about the stuff I do. I can sort of talk to my mum, but I fee like a real cow for discussing stuff with her, as she's had an absolute nightmare of a year in terms of health. But she's lovely and always tries her best to reassure me.
I don't know what to do! Does anyone have any advice? Do I need to get out of this? I don't know how I'll cope without him.

Thanks. x

[mummyanxious]

I can categorically say that that alone will be adding to your problems. Once out of my relationship my HA went away completely. Its only been since he's been difficult lately that its reared its head again. The two are most definitely linked for me.
Its not great the initial shock of being alone but I'm so much better in myself now than I was because it was making me worse. I only have myself to rely on now.

[Brunette]

Nice one minute and nasty the next is never going to work for anyone. Even the strongest person would feel on edge all the time not knowing knowing how their partner was going to behave at any given time.

He's cheated on you once already - ultimately that's a measure of how much he really cares for you and respects you: not very much at all.

I think you do need to get out.

[mummyanxious]

Yep you can certainly pm me if you want to :)

[Fishmanpa]

Hi LF,

I read your post this morning and I wanted to reply when I had a few more moments to write.

I understand the need for support. Selflessly supporting each other is one of the wonderful aspects of a good relationship. I know with an illness, and that goes for any illness, mental or physical, support is essential.

That being said, there's a difference between needing support and dependency and in this case, based on what I read, it sounds as if there's some co-dependency going on which frankly isn't healthy. In some relationships, two individuals can come to depend upon each other even if they're depending on bad behavior.

First off, abuse, whether it be physical or in this case emotional is not warranted under ANY circumstances. People who are that way (male and female) are just plain cruel. No one, for no reason ever, should be treated that way.

What sets my rockets firing is the fact that he cheated on you and did so at a particularly vulnerable time. There are things that can hurt the heart but infidelity is one that hurts to the core of your soul (I know as I've had it happen) and it's unforgivable in my opinion. There is no excuse, none whatsoever to cheat. If you're unhappy, get out BEFORE you go with someone else. The pain of a breakup is far less in my opinion than the pain of betrayal. In your situation, other than your dependence, there's no real reason to stay in the relationship. Your friends and family have already told you so much so.

Here's the deal. If you jump off the edge and end the relationship you'll survive just fine. You're old enough to know how deep the water is and you also know how to swim. The worst thing that can happen is you get a little wet. That's what we have towels in the linen closet ;)

Finding a professional to talk to would be beneficial as well. Addressing your HA is the key to beating the beast. Maybe get yourself a dog or a cat so you don't feel so alone. They love you unconditionally, are always happy to see you and don't abuse or cheat on you. You can talk to them too and they always listen :)

Good luck to you... remember, life is much too short to be unhappy.

[peachychou]

I try to keep my health anxiety a secret from my bf because he's happy go lucky and stable and i don't like to put him on a downer. i love him because he balances me out and helps me be less neurotic maybe simply guys subconsciously do that to us girls, idk. but i could never be in a toxic relationship because that would add even more stress to my life. i used to constantly pick fights because back then i had nothing to worry about and could afford to be mean and spiteful. but i don't do that anymore because im so scared all the time that i can't afford to be complacent.

maybe you like the stress of this guy because it distract you from your other anxieties.
i am not going to judge you because people are cruel towards women who stay with bad men and blame them. but you sound like a lovely girl and it's a shame to waste your loveliness on such a selfish guy. with men like him things never ever get better - they only get worse. and by the time you make up your mind that you want to break up you'll be so emotionally attached it will be impossible.
and guys who are verbally abusive do not stop at that - there is a high possibility one day he will hurt you. guys who can't control their vicious words aren't able to stop at just words. the boundaries only get more and more far until eventually there are no boundaries - trust me - i watched my mum go through hell for 15 years with an alcoholic who at first only verbally abused her, then physically, then abused us kids. that was when she decided enough was enough but she wasted 15 precious years with that creep waiting for him to clean up his act and guess what - he never did. she loved him so much it gave her a mental breakdown.

your anxiety and this man are two polar opposite issues and probably don't have much to do with each other - maybe it's just your personality and preferences coming out.

toxic relationships and health anxiety are at different ends of the spectrum. but
anxiety puts a lot of stress on a relationship.

[mummyanxious]

Excellent words by fishmanpa

[LF87]

Wow, thank you so much for all of your wonderful replies. Fishman right on the money as always.

There is definitely dependency going on. I feel immediately panicked if I can't see him if I'm having one of my bad days. I feel the need to talk to him about it over and over again until the anxiety passes. It's the worry of not having this support anymore that frightens me. But I can't stay with someone who's basically just nasty to me the majority of the time. He pretty much told me he doesn't have the time for me yesterday, as I'd barely seen him let alone speak to him all last week.
He's cheated more than once, that I know of. But I've never had the confidence to be without him, especially not since my Mum's illness and all of this health anxiety stuff kicked in.
I just can't seem to walk away. It doesn't help that I'm not working at the moment either, because I have this huge void of time to fill with worry, which is why I feel I need him even more. It's selfish on my part as well, because he shouldn't have to be burdened with all of my stuff. He tells me no one else would put up with it. And he's probably right!
He has threatened me with physical violence, but he's never acted on it.
I'm so deeply unhappy, I feel trapped. That's the only word I can think of. I feel trapped because I don't know if the being lonely and having no one to talk to is actually worse than the bad relationship.
Can I just say thank you all again for your kind words and support, it's given me a lot to think about. x

[lizzie29]

My ex and I had a great relationship at first. Yes I had anxiety, but I worked, drove, we went out etc. There were time when I was worse and he supported me a lot through them, and I thought I could never manage those times without him.

Then he did some horrific things to me. I think he thought I wouldn't leave because he thought I couldn't cope without him, and I think in some ways he felt "safe" to do those things. BUT, I proved him wrong, and I did leave. There was no going back from what he'd done and if I'd stayed in that relationship I would've ended up in a very bad way. It wasn't easy, but I coped a lot better than I thought I would, and now my anxiety is better than it ever was when I was with him.

So, for you, it could be a turning point! Yes it's scary and difficult, but for me it was definitely the right decision and I'm glad I left. X

[Fishmanpa]

"He has threatened me with physical violence, but he's never acted on it."


LF, That is a VERY serious statement and frankly it's just a matter of time until it does happen. This is a "no brainer" as far as I'm concerned, but then I've known those in worse situations stay :(

Good Luck!

[LF87]

I know, it is serious. But I know him and I honestly don't think he would. He just has a very short temper and doesn't know how to express emotion without aggression. I know I need to get out of this. I just don't understand why someone would say they love you if they don't. Idealise I'm off on a tangent here. The thing I need to keep firmly in my head is that he can't rescue me from health anxiety. Or any anxiety. I've GOT to rely on myself. Though the prospect is very very daunting!

---------- Post added at 12:26 ---------- Previous post was at 12:25 ----------

I realise, not idealise*!

[harasgenster]

When I was a teenager I stayed in an abusive relationship for 2.5 years because I knew that if I didn't have him I wouldn't have anybody. My mam and dad had their own stuff going on and my brother was at university. I had lost my social life with friends due to a mixture of my boyfriend being controlling and my mental health issues (which were severe at the time).

The kind of man you're talking about preys on the vulnerable and the way he's treating you will be making you feel worse. I got out when I got to university and slowly learned that I COULD cope alone and I COULD make new friends. That was the year when my mental health issues started to turn towards the positive and now - admittedly nine years later, but I was very unwell - I do not suffer from any mental ill health at all.

What you need to believe - as hard as it may be - is that you're a lot stronger than you think. Give yourself the chance to prove that to yourself by kicking this guy to the curb and looking after yourself. He's not helping, you're just staying because you feel vulnerable. But the truth is, you're not vulnerable. It's just a feeling. And you can cope with that feeling if you face it head on.

I hope things get better for you.

[Fishmanpa]

I just don't understand why someone would say they love you if they don't.

Because it exerts a passive aggressive control over the other person. Trust me, Love doesn't mean belittling and cheating. He says that because he knows you "need" to hear it to continue to put up with the BS.

When I was betrayed, I heard the same BS. "I love you... it was a mistake... blah blah blah blah blah... It won't happen again I promise..." She was absolutely right as I dropped her like a hot potato! It sucked for a while but I'm SO much better off.

Good Luck!

[LF87]

It's good to know some of you had the same thoughts and feelings and found the strength to get out. It's hard to just get it together and trust in yourself. I'm determined I'll get there. Just finding it so hard at the moment because I've got a new symptom and a new panic, and I'm at the doctor's tomorrow. So naturally I want to talk to him because I know he'll calm my thoughts and help me rationalise.
I just wish I could have a different way of settling myself, other than needing him here. How do you guys do it!? Just, distraction? Because I've done that all night. I made one huge chocolate cake, and a lamb dinner, and have been in the kitchen for a good few hours. And as soon as I'm sat down, boom. Research o-clock. I've sat on here reading about Breast C for half an hour before I posted this. I don't even realise how much time I'm spending doing it until it's pointed out by somebody. Thanks again for replying xx

[KeeKee]

I stay with my partner because I love him dearly, yes I do think I depend on him too much, but I'm there for him when he needs me too that should go both ways.
Sorry if I misread but I don't recall you saying you love him in your post? Do you?
Him not being there for you when your mum was ill is what makes me think he is a sleeze. I have emotionally abused my partner in the past (for which I am deeply ashamed) during my most serious bouts of depression but not once did he doubt my love for him.
Good luck I cannot begin to imagine what kind of a place your in right now.

[EmmerLooeez]

I stayed with my ex because he helped with my HA and I felt that I owed him something. It wasn't until my counsellor said "then when will it be paid off?" That I really considered leaving. I did and it was the best thing I've ever done. My ha worsens with stress and it improved tenfold by just not having him around! Xx

[mummyanxious]

I think you're sensing a theme here. These toxic people add to your anxiety and from personal experience can use it to keep control over you. Take the control back and do something for yourself.
It'll be a little bit frightening to begin with but frightening in a good way and you'll feel completely changed (for the better).

[LF87]

Thanks for your replies. It's so comforting to know you guys have been in similar situations and are coping just fine without a partner.
KeeKee, I do love him. But I resent him. A lot. Not just for the cheating, but for the pure disrespect he's treat me with throughout our relationship. But I've always wanted to believe, or I've always thought, that the good person in him will push through. He's younger than me. I'm 26, he's 24. Not a huge age gap I know, but with men they can sometimes take a bit longer to realise what's ok and what's not! Well, that's how I've justified it to myself and to friends and family. He does have a wonderful side. Funny, sweet. But the other side is a disgrace.
Last night was a major turning point. I told him how worried I was about seeing the doctor today. I was upset, panicked. He told me he 'can't be arsed with it anymore'. He doesn't have to deal with 'my sh*t'. And will I 'f'ing shut up about it, because there's never been anything wrong before and there wont be this time'. Reassurance in a round about way.
I shouldn't be airing all of this on a public site. But I just don't know what else to do. I talk to my good friends about it. I have one friend who knows the extent of the health anxiety. She knows all about my boyfriend. I told her I think one of the reasons I stay with him is because I need his reassurance. She says it's absolutely ludicrous and no excuse to stay. But I guess I wanted to post because, when you're in the way that I am for the past 11ish months, it IS a reason to stay. The thought of having no one to vent to and listen to you is terrifying. Or having someone to give you a cuddle or have a cry infront of. Because I don't cry infront of people really - he's the only person I can be totally open with and know he'll help me through it. But clearly not without a price, as you said Emmerlooeez.
Sorry for the huge rant. He told me last night he didn't want to be with me anymore anyway. So maybe I should just try get on with it? The doctor told me she wasn't worried, (obviously I'm in the 'did she definitely feel it, would she notice it' realm right now) so I guess I can try to stop worrying a little?
Thanks again everyone, this is helping me a lot right now.:flowers:

[Fishmanpa]

Sorry :( That's like saying "I'm cold so I need to keep putting my hands into this fire to keep warm" as opposed to putting on gloves.

Good luck today, I'm sure you'll be fine. And good luck with your situation. You asked for advice and a lot of people have all said the same thing. Keep that in mind as you move forward.

[LF87]

Thanks fishman x

[Brunette]

Interesting that he now says he doesn't want to be with you LF87. Maybe he has had an inkling of what's coming and wanted to get in there first?!

Anyway, take control. YOU leave HIM. It will make you feel a whole lot better and make the selfish *rse realise you're stronger than he thought you were!

Good luck!

[LF87]

Thanks brunette! Gonna try my very best to stay strong! Xx