zontar
05-11-13, 05:27
So this is my story. I don't know what really triggered my hypochondria; it definitely happened around the time I was twelve or thirteen. One of the first things I remember worrying about was at age twelve, whether or not the X-ray machine at the orthodontist would malfunction and give me radiation poisoning. After that, I had an impacted tooth and worried bitterly for months that I would die while under anesthesia to have it removed; they ended up taking it out under local alone (awake) because I was so worried.
All the while, every little thing that happened to me was some form of cancer. During puberty I came to think I had cancer in my genitals. Occasionally I'd bleed when wiping; this is always anal or colon cancer when I see it. Around age 16 I had discovered a LARGE knot in my neck that I swore for years was lymphoma. I had an inconsequential blood test abnormality that I blew up to leukemia, colon cancer, and stomach cancer.
I can't even go for tests of any sort anymore. I'm writing here because I need another eye exam and I can't bear the thought that one week from now, the opthamologist is going to tell me I have melanoma of the eye. I held up a light against my right eye and saw a small dark spot on the iris about the size of a sharpened pencil lead; immediately I panicked. I can't bear the thought of having to go under anesthesia for surgery, knowing I might not wake up, knowing I'll be blind afterward. I probably spent the last few hours looking up the disease and preparing myself for the worst come next Monday.
On top of all that, I had this blockage in my left ear since Thursday that feels like there's water in it but there isn't. You guessed it; it's got to be ear canal cancer.
I can't live like this anymore. The thought of having cancer is so unthinkable to me, because I know if I ever had it, my life would be over and I would have no reason to be happy about anything anymore. It's to the point where I can't stand the slightest thing that may turn it up: be it getting a physical, or getting an eye exam, or going to the dentist to have seven way-overdue cavities filled! If I hear I have cancer, my life is ruined.
This condition stole my entire adolescence and a large part of my adulthood, as I often lived "one week at a time" and prepared myself for at least six last birthdays, Thanksgivings, and Christmases. I can't take it anymore.
Does this ever get better? Will I ever be able to handle the slightest thing that could be cancer? I have a feeling that if I could still live a good life even if I did get cancer, maybe I wouldn't be so terrified of slight problems or going for checkups. But I know if I ever got cancer, I would turn suicidal. I've never been happy with my life or who I lived as. I fear that if there's no more time, I can't simply tell myself it'll be better in the future anymore.
All the while, every little thing that happened to me was some form of cancer. During puberty I came to think I had cancer in my genitals. Occasionally I'd bleed when wiping; this is always anal or colon cancer when I see it. Around age 16 I had discovered a LARGE knot in my neck that I swore for years was lymphoma. I had an inconsequential blood test abnormality that I blew up to leukemia, colon cancer, and stomach cancer.
I can't even go for tests of any sort anymore. I'm writing here because I need another eye exam and I can't bear the thought that one week from now, the opthamologist is going to tell me I have melanoma of the eye. I held up a light against my right eye and saw a small dark spot on the iris about the size of a sharpened pencil lead; immediately I panicked. I can't bear the thought of having to go under anesthesia for surgery, knowing I might not wake up, knowing I'll be blind afterward. I probably spent the last few hours looking up the disease and preparing myself for the worst come next Monday.
On top of all that, I had this blockage in my left ear since Thursday that feels like there's water in it but there isn't. You guessed it; it's got to be ear canal cancer.
I can't live like this anymore. The thought of having cancer is so unthinkable to me, because I know if I ever had it, my life would be over and I would have no reason to be happy about anything anymore. It's to the point where I can't stand the slightest thing that may turn it up: be it getting a physical, or getting an eye exam, or going to the dentist to have seven way-overdue cavities filled! If I hear I have cancer, my life is ruined.
This condition stole my entire adolescence and a large part of my adulthood, as I often lived "one week at a time" and prepared myself for at least six last birthdays, Thanksgivings, and Christmases. I can't take it anymore.
Does this ever get better? Will I ever be able to handle the slightest thing that could be cancer? I have a feeling that if I could still live a good life even if I did get cancer, maybe I wouldn't be so terrified of slight problems or going for checkups. But I know if I ever got cancer, I would turn suicidal. I've never been happy with my life or who I lived as. I fear that if there's no more time, I can't simply tell myself it'll be better in the future anymore.