harasgenster
05-11-13, 12:55
Shoving this in Misc because I don't know where to put it.
Basically, the situation is this. After 14 years of mental ill health I am now better (wahey!). But my boyfriend - who I have been with for nearly 4 years - is not. He suffers from depression rather than anxiety but I feel that he does not put any effort into making it better. He is emotionally flat and he doesn't show much affection. We also don't go out together and he doesn't do any exercise at all, although I keep gently encouraging him to take a walk with me because it would do him good.
I think it's part of his illness, but he also tends to put himself first. I think it's because he feels he can't cope with things. We have recently argued because he was avoiding visiting his dying father. I understand why he's upset about seeing him, and I understand why he might feel like he wants to avoid it, and I made sure he knew that understood. But I feel like he ought to be putting his father first and going to see him despite how he feels. That's not just for his father, it's because he'll really regret it if he doesn't spend quality time with him before the end.
This putting his own feelings first goes on in our relationship as well, and I do understand that it's connected to the depression. He has admitted that he finds it very difficult to care about how my day has been, or if I'm upset that someone has been rude or unfair to me. But despite this I know he cares.
The thing is, I dream of having a boyfriend that will come out with me, that will take my hand as we go on walks through the countryside (one of my favourite things), that will come and have fun with me (as a result of his depression, my boyfriend never really has fun) instead of moaning that he's tired or that the people around us are too loud, or that his feet hurt, or whatever else it is!
But he has hundreds of positive points and I believe that all this stuff is to do with his depression. He isn't just putting me off, he's putting his friends off and his family, all of which don't really want to spend time with him as much as they normally would because they know his negative attitude will make it harder for them to have fun. I keep thinking of leaving, but he's my best friend, I care very much about him, and I would worry about him so much because he would be isolated without me.
We've had a talk recently and he has changed his behaviour, but we've been through this before. After a week or so he just slips back to where he was, and despite my encouragement (I'm trying not to push him too hard) he won't seek treatment.
I just wonder what you would do, I suppose: If you were in a situation where you knew you would never be able to have the relationship you feel you want, but if you were to split up with your partner you'd miss him terribly and worry about him constantly, what would you do? I just feel stuck, really.
Basically, the situation is this. After 14 years of mental ill health I am now better (wahey!). But my boyfriend - who I have been with for nearly 4 years - is not. He suffers from depression rather than anxiety but I feel that he does not put any effort into making it better. He is emotionally flat and he doesn't show much affection. We also don't go out together and he doesn't do any exercise at all, although I keep gently encouraging him to take a walk with me because it would do him good.
I think it's part of his illness, but he also tends to put himself first. I think it's because he feels he can't cope with things. We have recently argued because he was avoiding visiting his dying father. I understand why he's upset about seeing him, and I understand why he might feel like he wants to avoid it, and I made sure he knew that understood. But I feel like he ought to be putting his father first and going to see him despite how he feels. That's not just for his father, it's because he'll really regret it if he doesn't spend quality time with him before the end.
This putting his own feelings first goes on in our relationship as well, and I do understand that it's connected to the depression. He has admitted that he finds it very difficult to care about how my day has been, or if I'm upset that someone has been rude or unfair to me. But despite this I know he cares.
The thing is, I dream of having a boyfriend that will come out with me, that will take my hand as we go on walks through the countryside (one of my favourite things), that will come and have fun with me (as a result of his depression, my boyfriend never really has fun) instead of moaning that he's tired or that the people around us are too loud, or that his feet hurt, or whatever else it is!
But he has hundreds of positive points and I believe that all this stuff is to do with his depression. He isn't just putting me off, he's putting his friends off and his family, all of which don't really want to spend time with him as much as they normally would because they know his negative attitude will make it harder for them to have fun. I keep thinking of leaving, but he's my best friend, I care very much about him, and I would worry about him so much because he would be isolated without me.
We've had a talk recently and he has changed his behaviour, but we've been through this before. After a week or so he just slips back to where he was, and despite my encouragement (I'm trying not to push him too hard) he won't seek treatment.
I just wonder what you would do, I suppose: If you were in a situation where you knew you would never be able to have the relationship you feel you want, but if you were to split up with your partner you'd miss him terribly and worry about him constantly, what would you do? I just feel stuck, really.