Fear of men!

[Broken-doll]

I've been suffering from severe anxiety for the past 18 months and I'm now wondering if it's actually post traumatic stress disorder that I suffer from.
I work as an adult model/soft porn actress! I absolutely hate my job but have found myself in a financial trap.
I'm finding myself incredibly frightened and disturbed when in normal situations where men are involved, I deal with a hell of a lot of sleazy men on a regular basis and my brain simply cannot accept that not all men are perverts and out for one thing.
The ridiculous thing is I can manage to do my job, almost on auto-pilot, I totally disassociate myself and become almost robotic.... It's real-life normal situations I can't deal with, for instance I could easily pose nude in front of a camera, yet if I was approached by a man in a supermarket I would totally freak out and not even be able to speak.
I'm also aware that I a constantly judged by society so have built a massive wall as a defence mechanism, I live in my own world, a victim of the adult industry and have become frightened of normality and of people I consider to lead normal life's!
I think because all I ever see is the bad side of the male of the species and have had to deal with many disturbing scenarios I have convinced myself that all men are cut from the same cloth.
I'ts a very complex issue, and as I've had it pointed out to me before.... The anxiety will never be resolved whilst I'm constantly going back to the trigger!
The absolute irony of this is...at the moment I wouldn't be able to hold down a normal job as I am afraid of "normal" situations!
I've trapped myself and have no idea how to break free! I'm aware this is a very controversial post! And I'm sorry if I've offended anyone, however this is the first time I've ever wrote this down and it feels good to release it!

[unfitwellhappy]

Ello!

It must have been tought to write all that down, but that in itself is a huge step forward.... and this, believe it or not, is a "normal" situation.

Give yourself a pat on the back, just by posting you have been incredibly brave!!

Anyway... i'm a man, no need to fear me all I want to do is retire (i'm only 32) and play videogames for the rest of my life... aaahhh bliss...but alas I too am stuck in a financial trap with mortgages etc so I have to play the game and work in a field I don't particularily like and with people I could do without...

Who says what's normal anyway :)

Keep yer chin up lass, it will get better.

Andy

[inCOGnito]

From what I understand of PTSD it occurs in response to an acute traumatic episode, usually without much memory of the specific episode. I don't know what the specific treatment options are for PTSD.

Alternatively you might have developed anxiety from the general stress associated with your job, especially due to the emotive component, and especially if you have some underlying beliefs about what you are doing. The mind uses lots of strategies to NOT deal with inner conflicts! Maybe counselling at this stage might help until you get out of your job?

I would be careful giving to much weight to the belief that you can't do another job because it's a normal situation. In other words be careful you don't start to take it as truth! you would adapt and you attitudes would begin to change. I mean, obviously it is quite biased what kind of men (with certain behaviours and attitudes) you see given you job.

[unfitwellhappy]

I would be careful giving to much weight to the belief that you can't do another job because it's a normal situation. In other words be careful you don't start to take it as truth! you would adapt and you attitudes would begin to change. I mean, obviously it is quite biased what kind of men (with certain behaviours and attitudes) you see given you job.

Very true...

Remember, while perverts are generally men, not all men are perverts. You will start to see that soon enough, so take your time - don't put too much pressure on yourself to be "normal", take a bit of time to just be you.

[Rennie1989]

It is amazing how our anxieties rear their ugly heads, often at times that feel completely inappropriate.

I can't really add anymore then what others have already said. My only question is, which I'd understand if you don't want to answer, is have you ever been assaulted (sexually and/or not) by a man whilst working or before entering the pornography business?

[Col]

Not in a nosey way but I'm wondering if this career had an impact on your marriage breakdown. I say this because I know a few females who are divorced and that's it - they can not deal with men and do not have anything ever nice to say. Always negative.

Obviously linking your marriage and the industry your in I was wondering if, there's a link between your work , marriage breakdown & the way you are right now. And it's just all come to a head???

I seriously think you should try and seek professional help about your troubles X

[Broken-doll]

I was never involved in the industry at the time of my marriage, I got involved 8 years after the breakdown of my marriage!

---------- Post added at 19:05 ---------- Previous post was at 18:59 ----------

Fish boy I'm not sure how recognising my picture or questioning my nationality is of any help to this particular thread!

[Broken-doll]

You know nothing about my life or the industry your comment is completely irrelevant, insensitive, and uninformed! Please don't private message me, telling me I'm stunning and asking me what kind of porn I do and then feel the need to call my job degrading. It's contradictory,unnecessary and unhelpful.

[Gotagetthroughthis]

Well if it is the pr0n actress, then that means it isn't you which makes the whole question irreverent, could just be trolling.

I personally think this thread is shocking, and insulting to men. There is never a need to do p0rn other than you want to. There is ALWAYS other jobs (mac donalds etc) I find it silly to do such a degrading job, then try and say all men are pervs.

I dont think this thread needs to turn into an argument or is trolling, I think Broken-doll is genuinely looking for some advice and reassurance.

But anyway, what is the name if this so called American "pr0n" actress then? lol

[Broken-doll]

This is shocking and insulting! I am outraged that this would turn into a thread where people would start actually trying to find porn links as opposed to actually trying to help me, I joined this forum for help and guidance not to be cyber-bullied! Yes fish boy you clearly want to help anxiety sufferers.

[Broken-doll]

You're blatantly cyber bullying and also making up ridiculous rumours about my identity, your posts have been reported. If it's a conflict you are looking for you are on the wrong site. This site is for anxiety sufferers and I came here seeking help. Well congratulations you have heightened my anxiety both with your offensive posts private messages. If you don't wish to help people then I suggest you leave this site. And I ask you not to comment on any of my threads or bother me again.

[Broken-doll]

I don't do boy/girl porn fish boy! I'm an adult model. As I said you are commenting on something here without all the facts, and making yourself look quite the foolish bully in the process!

---------- Post added at 19:41 ---------- Previous post was at 19:39 ----------

Erm...it's quite easy for me to prove the pictures are of myself when it actually is myself. Why am I actually responding to you, you are misinformed and are purely trying to cause a conflict!

[Rennie1989]

Fish boy - please keep opinions like that to yourself. Broken Doll is not a troll (that's obvious) and is clearly in need of some support. The agreement regarding her display picture is invalid, for all you know mine is not of me, doesn't matter though.

[Broken-doll]

Do you work in the industry? Do you know what it consists of? Do you know anything about my life? No you do not! Your comments are very invalid. Now for the second time I ask you.... Please leave my thread!

[Rennie1989]

Opinions regarding the pornography industry, I mean. They matter to you only, nobody else.

[Broken-doll]

Exactly Renee, this is what I deal with on a daily basis.... Judgement from "normal" people! It's no wonder I'm frightened of society when it's just been confirmed that these judgemental shallow minded individuals are very real and make no effort to keep their opinions regarding the industry to themselves.

[Rennie1989]

Try not to let it get to you. Unfortunately you will get a lot of negative judgements (like you said) but you just have to let them slide, don't let them bother you. I know they'll be hard days but it will make you stronger.

[Broken-doll]

Of course Renee, this post was almost a social experiment to myself. I wanted to be open and it took a lot of courage. I wanted to see if people could be empathetic and perhaps provide support! And of course it's been proven to me yet again that I am met with derogatory perceptions and opinions on my job! You see.... People never have the full facts on why an individual lives the life they do or why they make certain life choices... Yet they are quick to judge.... Make up their own stories and jump to conclusions,just like fishboy has clearly demonstrated!

[reenymac]

I work in a predominantly male environment not porn....I grasp where you are coming from...a lot of the men are sleazes and see you as a bit of meat....I understand your lack of trust in men because you don't know if they are genuinely friendly or hitting on you. I completely understand your cynical view of men. There are good guys out there don't let the sleazy ones change your view on all men

Take care
Reeny

[Broken-doll]

Fish boy the fact that you're private messaging me asking me what type of porn I do, and the fact that you're mistaking me for a hardcore American porn actress (to the point you're offering to send people links) lovely! That's not destructive at all!! would insinuate that you possibly watch a fair whack of porn... So to in the next breath to call it a degrading,soul destroying job is most contradictory!

[Annie0904]

Broken doll, this must have taken a lot of courage for you to write this post and I can see were you are coming from. I am really sorry that you have had to put up with negative comments on this thread. :hugs::hugs::hugs:

[Broken-doll]

Thanks Reeny I am of course aware that there are many decent men out there, but obviously my opinion of them has been somewhat jaded! It is something that I personally need to deal with and I'm sure that in time and once I've got myself back on track I will realise that more and more :)

[Annie0904]

Fishboy, I don't think broken doll is looking for sympathy or validation, she is looking for support in a situation she is in that is difficult for her to get out off. We are hear to support each other not to criticize what others are doing for a job.

[Annie0904]

We don't know the circumstances around this though and we don't need to know them. Even if it was Broken dolls own choice to enter this line of work in the first place I am not here to judge what she does, I am here to support her in the anxieties that she now has associated around this. It is not always easy for a person to leave a situation they find them selves in.

[Broken-doll]

Not going to go too far into my buisness as I don't have to justify myself! But I have outgoings and dependants that a minimum wage job simply would not support. Sometimes unfortunately we can't just simply make other choices when we don't have the finances to support us.

[theharvestmouse]

I think Fishboy's conduct on this thread is quite offensive.

[Broken-doll]

I find it very offensive harvest mouse, it's no wonder I have a fear of men when they're quick to label me "degrading, soul destroyed and terrible".
I should never dream of making a comment on someone's thread which I knew would heighten their anxiety!
However, I have received a lot of support and certainly will not let the opinion of a shallow minded judgemental individual knock my confidence further, in fact it's given me a bit of fight!

[Annie0904]

Fish boy I really don't think you can compare Broken Doll to a drug dealer! That said I think it is best you don't post in reply any more as each time you do you make the situation worse so just leave the thread for those of us who want to support Broken doll! Thank you.

[Broken-doll]

I private messaged fishboy and asked him to kindly refrain from commenting on my thread! He has also been asked by the moderator to apologise and refrain from commenting yet seems unable to do so, this is verging on harassment now!

[reenymac]

Hope you can sort yourself out brokendoll you shouldn't need to defend yourself on here of all places...take care and keep your chin up

Reeny

[Rennie1989]

If you're going to voice your opinion you should be prepared to listen to other's opinions also. Unfortunately what you said was below the belt and caused a lot of offense so you have to understand a lack of understanding.

With that in mind let's bring the thread back on topic...

[Annie0904]

Broken doll, I have PTSD too and I was offered Intense Psychotherapy for it. It has helped me a lot to cope with most situations although sometimes I find myself drifting back a little. I think the main thing is lack of self confidence and self esteem. You might find some of these workbooks helpful http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/consumers.cfm

[Broken-doll]

Thank you Annie, that link looks very helpful, I'm just taking a look at it now :)

[NoPoet]

Well I'm a man but I am aspergers, so I might be able to offer you a viewpoint that other men may not have, given that aspies see people as people rather than as sex objects. (Not that I'm suggesting the other men at NMP see you that way.)

It's no wonder that you have a fear of men considering what you must have been through. Porn can be extremely degrading and you have probably been treated like crap. While nearly everyone complains about their employer treating them "like a number, not a person", working in the adult entertainment industry must be a lot worse, especially if you are unfortunate enough to have been involved in the sleazier side.

Consider looking at the human race as a whole. Humans are immature as a species, obsessed with boobies and naked bodies, just like an early teenager. Our society does not always stop to consider the feelings of the people who live in it and some sections of society actively degrade its members.

It's probably already been said but you should consider putting some distance between yourself and that industry, and create a support network to help you get back onto an even keel. People are social animals and we need each other. I hope you find people who value you for who you are and make a good recovery.

[Broken-doll]

Well I'm a man but I am aspergers, so I might be able to offer you a viewpoint that other men may not have, given that aspies see people as people rather than as sex objects. (Not that I'm suggesting the other men at NMP see you that way.)

It's no wonder that you have a fear of men considering what you must have been through. Porn can be extremely degrading and you have probably been treated like crap. While nearly everyone complains about their employer treating them "like a number, not a person", working in the adult entertainment industry must be a lot worse, especially if you are unfortunate enough to have been involved in the sleazier side.

Consider looking at the human race as a whole. Humans are immature as a species, obsessed with boobies and naked bodies, just like an early teenager. Our society does not always stop to consider the feelings of the people who live in it and some sections of society actively degrade its members.

It's probably already been said but you should consider putting some distance between yourself and that industry, and create a support network to help you get back onto an even keel. People are social animals and we need each other. I hope you find people who value you for who you are and make a good recovery. some very sound and intelligent advice there psycho poet ! Much appreciated! X

[MTVCatfishUK]

Hi,

I have sent you a private message, it would be great to speak to you at some point x