Anxiety is controlling my life!

[panicneedstostop]

My name is Candi and here is my story. I am 33 years old and have suffered with panic attacks and anxiety for a very long time, though I did not put a real name to it until just a few years back. It's getting worse. I feel as if it is controlling my entire life. I can't get away from it.
I am a very busy woman. I have a very demanding job and no doubt stress from that front is contributing. I am divorced after a very unstable stressful marriage. I spent 3 years on my own with my two kids. I have had a lot of stress in my life, financial and emotional. Here's the thing that gets me.. I am in a happy relationship now, my kids are thriving and growing into wonderful young adults. My job is demanding yes, but I've always thrived on choas in the workplace and I love my job. Everything in my life is finally at peace. Except my anxiety has decided now is the time to rear it's ugly head and destroy my life.
I am NEVER without it. I have panic attacks nearly everyday, multiple times a day. Even on good days.. which are becoming farther and fewer between I still have anxiety prominent in my mind. I'm tired of it. I am sick of thinking something is wrong with me.
I'm sick of the depersonalization and derealization that comes with this. I am sick of feeling out of touch with reality. I do not take medication. I've mentioned my anxiety to my family doctor many times but he just wants to write a prescription which I refuse to take. I'm terrified of any and all medication, not to mention the fact that most stories of medicines for this make me believe that it does not take away the panic attacks anyways.
I'm afraid of everything. I fear every single thing I eat and every drink I take. If I walk away from a bottle of water.. even in my locked car. I will not touch it again for a completely irrational fear someone tampered with it. I feel like I'm going insane. I know this is not me. I want my life back! I can't enjoy anything that I used to..
And the hardest part is nobody knows.. I know how irrational and crazy I sound so I tell nobody.. my boyfriend is the exception, he's great and says the right things to make me feel safe until it passes. But I'm tired of being at work, at the grocery store, driving, watching tv, out and about, at home, and acting normal when I'm screaming inside!!
I came across this site and had to share my story, I'm not even sure what I can do anymore about this. I don't know where to start to make this stop.
Thanks for listening!

[Tufty]

:welcome: Candi,
It sounds like you have a very good understanding of anxiety and panic and the impact it is having on your life as well as the way it is changing your thinking. Taking medication is personal choice and many anxiety sufferers choose not to take meds and overcome their symptoms. However after suffering for so long it is likely that you need some outside help. You way of thinking has become a habit and some talking therapy might help you. Have you any access to CBT in Canada? Have you read any Claire Weekes material on panic disorder?

As for why it has happened now, who knows, but it could be because your children are becoming independent, everything is how it should be and so you're subconsciously looking inwards and finding that you aren't at peace with yourself. I would suggest some counselling of some kind to help you explore your fears and thoughts.
Sam x

[panicneedstostop]

Thanks for your response Sam..
I do have a pretty good grasp on anxiety yes, only because I've almost obsessively researced everything I could find to try to help.. all my info goes straight out the window though in the grasps of a panic attack and I'm instead convinced I'm surely having a heat attack or or stroke or something else just as deadly.
I was referred to a cbt group in my area bit the time co flicts with my job so I've not been able to see anyone to talk to. I wish I could.. because I refuse medication I think talking is my only other option.
Wouldn't wish this on anyone..

[phil6]

Hi Candi,
I will give you some advise that I know is right, even if I really struggle to do this myself.
There are a million different physical aspects of anxiety, and loads of different thoughts that come along with the disorder. OCD, phobias, etc etc.
However, I believe there is one thing that sits behind all this confusion and that is FEAR of the state you are in. It is not the food or the drink or the places or anything else that is the problem, it is your fear of the anxiety itself.
And this drives us all to try and work it out, to try and fix it, to find the causes, to do anything to rid ourselves of IT!
The problem is that all this struggling, attempting to rid ourselves of this devil is the very thing which makes things worse. You simply cannot fix yourself, however much you try. You cannot come up with an answer no matter how long you think. It is quite simply not something you can do. The paradox is.... If you stop trying, and give up trying cure yourself, then you heal eventually, given time. And that's a very hard thing to do. To do the opposite to what your anxiety wants you to do... Your anxiety wants you to behave in a particular way, to keep you safe. But you are not in any danger and everything you do to pacify the demands it makes just reinforces the anxiety.
Acceptance is the key.... And just so you understand this fully, acceptance does not mean not experiencing all the feelings you hate... That is not the aim. It's about really learning to allow them to be there for now without bowing down to urges or demands or fearing it. It cannot and will not damage you. It feels terrible but it's all a big bluff.
Now I must read what I have just written myself as it is something I need to do LOL!
Hope that helps
Phil

[panicneedstostop]

Thanks Phil. That is actually some great advice.. and you got me thinking. It is the anxiety I fear. I've gotten where I avoid anything I know will give me a panic attack.. such as leaving my unopened bottle of water outside my own house for 5 mins lol it's so crazy but it's what I've become.. and I know if I sip that water I will have a panic attack. Even though I know it's not been tampered with.. the thought that keeps rolling in my head will surely give me an attack. So I don't touch it. But it doesn't help.. I still have the attack anyways..
Thank you for your words.

[heatherjc]

Hi

Just wanted to say my anxiety always rockets sky high when I don't have any problems in my life too! I know it sounds weird but I believe that when I am busy going through lifes ups & downs & problems my mind is occupied with that, then when 'all is well' I have not as much to think about so these thoughts turn inwards & start gnawing away at me.

You have done well to stay away from meds, |I started Seroxat when I was 24, I am now 41 & it no longer works & is a nightmare to come off, it only masks the issues & I am now having to face up to anxiety issues I should have faced up to 20 years ago my doctor wants me to switch to something new but I have decided not to,

I hope you get some answers from this wonderful site! I am new here but already read some great advice.

Good luck. x

[reenymac]

yeah am a great believer in meditaiton..... it helps us feel we can control our mind and not the stupid obsessive irrational thoughts controlling us and making us scared am finally getting my head round the fact that it's my irrational thoughts and negative thinking that caused my panic attacks, I have also started affirmations when i have a negative thought I try to balance it out with a positive one....it has taken me a long time to actually understand this.....

Good luck to you

Reeny

[Hopeandlove]

a tiny dose of klonopin works great! and not avoiding thins/places that bring on your anxiety praying 4 u to rethink med klonopin stops anxiety been on it 20 yrs never got addicted had anxiety panick attacks for 26 yrs too stubborn to try a benzo like klonopin wasted years of my life no anxiety panick attacks since med along with exposure therapy you can do yourself

[suzanneMD1977]

Hi there I'm sorry that anxiety is controlling your life are you on any medications?

[tippi2birds]

My name is Candi and here is my story. I am 33 years old and have suffered with panic attacks and anxiety for a very long time, though I did not put a real name to it until just a few years back. It's getting worse. I feel as if it is controlling my entire life. I can't get away from it.
I am a very busy woman. I have a very demanding job and no doubt stress from that front is contributing. I am divorced after a very unstable stressful marriage. I spent 3 years on my own with my two kids. I have had a lot of stress in my life, financial and emotional. Here's the thing that gets me.. I am in a happy relationship now, my kids are thriving and growing into wonderful young adults. My job is demanding yes, but I've always thrived on choas in the workplace and I love my job. Everything in my life is finally at peace. Except my anxiety has decided now is the time to rear it's ugly head and destroy my life.
I am NEVER without it. I have panic attacks nearly everyday, multiple times a day. Even on good days.. which are becoming farther and fewer between I still have anxiety prominent in my mind. I'm tired of it. I am sick of thinking something is wrong with me.
I'm sick of the depersonalization and derealization that comes with this. I am sick of feeling out of touch with reality. I do not take medication. I've mentioned my anxiety to my family doctor many times but he just wants to write a prescription which I refuse to take. I'm terrified of any and all medication, not to mention the fact that most stories of medicines for this make me believe that it does not take away the panic attacks anyways.
I'm afraid of everything. I fear every single thing I eat and every drink I take. If I walk away from a bottle of water.. even in my locked car. I will not touch it again for a completely irrational fear someone tampered with it. I feel like I'm going insane. I know this is not me. I want my life back! I can't enjoy anything that I used to..
And the hardest part is nobody knows.. I know how irrational and crazy I sound so I tell nobody.. my boyfriend is the exception, he's great and says the right things to make me feel safe until it passes. But I'm tired of being at work, at the grocery store, driving, watching tv, out and about, at home, and acting normal when I'm screaming inside!!
I came across this site and had to share my story, I'm not even sure what I can do anymore about this. I don't know where to start to make this stop.
Thanks for listening!

This is totally me and I don't know where to turn. I am in the US and we used to have a mental health agency where I could go see a therapist but mental health agencies are a joke now days. They have done away with almost everything in my area and the facility they do have now is open 8-5. What, people don't have anxiety after 5pm any more! I try to talk to my husband and he doesn't understand. My best friend of 11 years thinks I am nuts and a hypochondriac. I just want to crawl in a hole, because feeling like this sucks!