carolina_m
06-11-13, 19:35
I've struggled with anxiety for nearly 10 years, what started off as a bad reaction to a drug experience at 15 snowballed into general/health anxiety that's been on and off a part of my life ever since.
I was terrified of two things: dying and going mad. If I wasn't convinced I had HIV/cancer, then I was awake at night convinced I was mad/was going mad, terrified of ever hearing voices, or being sectioned or generally losing the plot. I had CBT treatment which helped, but eventually the fears always came back, usually triggered by a stressful external life experience.
Things came to a head when I was so terrified of going mad I couldn't sleep, couldn't think of anything else except my fear, couldn't concentrate at work, couldn't enjoy my summer holiday, couldn't enjoy my relationships and generally couldn't enjoy my life. That was when I decided enough was enough and perhaps, finally, after years of being anti-drugs and promising I would never seek chemical help, I would try medication. As someone inherently terrified of drugs, whether recreational or medical, I was plagued by fears of having a bad reaction, of side effects that would last forever, of feeling worse than I ever did before. But such was the desperation I felt, the misery and terror and most of all sheer exhausation, I eventually found myself crying to the GP asking for some help. My GP was very unhelpful in that she barely asked how, or what, I was feeling and shoved a prescription my way with little more than an eye roll. As I was leaving the room she added 'Oh, and these can sometimes cause suicidal feelings, so if you ever feel a bit funny - do come back and see us'. For me this was nearly a deal breaker. Feeling 'a bit funny' after taking these pills was exactly what I was afraid of, and it took me nearly a month to work up the courage to go ahead and take them.
I was prescribed 20mg of Citalopram, but I decided to take half a tablet a day to take things slowly. I was rigid with fear the first day, waiting to be gripped be depersonalisation or sluggishness or mood swings or nausea or headaches - and I had nothing. 2 weeks later, I still hadn't felt a single negative side effect. 3 weeks later, no side effects and best of all - I felt better. The way I can describe it is, with anxiety, it's like having a constant radio switched up full volume. 'WHAT IF THIS HAPPENS? WHAT IF THAT HAPPENS? WHAT ARE THEY LOOKING AT? WHAT'S GOING ON? AM I DYING? AM I OK? IS EVERYONE I LOVE OK?' - a constant white noise of panic and obsessive thoughts circling round and round and round. For me, Citalopram helped turn the volume right down. I'd definitely say circumstantial improvements, such as getting a new job, curtailing some of my more negative behaviours and concentrating on doing positive things, had a huge impact on my increased mood. But I'd also say that Citalopram had a part to play in slowing down my merry-go-round brain of irrationality. 2 months in, still on 10mg, and my health fears have reduced, I feel happier in myself, I'm no longer afraid of sleeping alone and I feel happier. For me, the risk was worthwhile.
While researching Citalopram on this very forum I found the 'Citalopram Survival Guide' really helpful, and I remember reading that the reason you find so many horror stories online is because people that have had a good experiences are too busy off being happier to even think about posting about it. So I promised myself if I had a good experience - I would post. Wishing the best of luck to anyone thinking of trying medication, I felt all the same anxieties as you but it turned out to be a great decision for me.
I was terrified of two things: dying and going mad. If I wasn't convinced I had HIV/cancer, then I was awake at night convinced I was mad/was going mad, terrified of ever hearing voices, or being sectioned or generally losing the plot. I had CBT treatment which helped, but eventually the fears always came back, usually triggered by a stressful external life experience.
Things came to a head when I was so terrified of going mad I couldn't sleep, couldn't think of anything else except my fear, couldn't concentrate at work, couldn't enjoy my summer holiday, couldn't enjoy my relationships and generally couldn't enjoy my life. That was when I decided enough was enough and perhaps, finally, after years of being anti-drugs and promising I would never seek chemical help, I would try medication. As someone inherently terrified of drugs, whether recreational or medical, I was plagued by fears of having a bad reaction, of side effects that would last forever, of feeling worse than I ever did before. But such was the desperation I felt, the misery and terror and most of all sheer exhausation, I eventually found myself crying to the GP asking for some help. My GP was very unhelpful in that she barely asked how, or what, I was feeling and shoved a prescription my way with little more than an eye roll. As I was leaving the room she added 'Oh, and these can sometimes cause suicidal feelings, so if you ever feel a bit funny - do come back and see us'. For me this was nearly a deal breaker. Feeling 'a bit funny' after taking these pills was exactly what I was afraid of, and it took me nearly a month to work up the courage to go ahead and take them.
I was prescribed 20mg of Citalopram, but I decided to take half a tablet a day to take things slowly. I was rigid with fear the first day, waiting to be gripped be depersonalisation or sluggishness or mood swings or nausea or headaches - and I had nothing. 2 weeks later, I still hadn't felt a single negative side effect. 3 weeks later, no side effects and best of all - I felt better. The way I can describe it is, with anxiety, it's like having a constant radio switched up full volume. 'WHAT IF THIS HAPPENS? WHAT IF THAT HAPPENS? WHAT ARE THEY LOOKING AT? WHAT'S GOING ON? AM I DYING? AM I OK? IS EVERYONE I LOVE OK?' - a constant white noise of panic and obsessive thoughts circling round and round and round. For me, Citalopram helped turn the volume right down. I'd definitely say circumstantial improvements, such as getting a new job, curtailing some of my more negative behaviours and concentrating on doing positive things, had a huge impact on my increased mood. But I'd also say that Citalopram had a part to play in slowing down my merry-go-round brain of irrationality. 2 months in, still on 10mg, and my health fears have reduced, I feel happier in myself, I'm no longer afraid of sleeping alone and I feel happier. For me, the risk was worthwhile.
While researching Citalopram on this very forum I found the 'Citalopram Survival Guide' really helpful, and I remember reading that the reason you find so many horror stories online is because people that have had a good experiences are too busy off being happier to even think about posting about it. So I promised myself if I had a good experience - I would post. Wishing the best of luck to anyone thinking of trying medication, I felt all the same anxieties as you but it turned out to be a great decision for me.