5 days in and needing some reassurance!

[teej]

So glad I found the citalopram guide on these forums. It's really given me something to focus on so thank you Mr PsychoPoet. I almost wept to know someone else is going through this and even thought like I did.

I started my citalopram on the Monday (5th dose of 20mg tonight) after I finished my alcohol detox (heavy drinker for 10 years - simply masking off the anxiety). My side-effects have not been horrific but certainly seem to be horrifyingly similar to those I have experienced in the beginnings of alcohol withdrawal - something which has only added to my anxiety.

Worst symptoms so far seem to be a) a general level of anxiety and depression throughout the day leaving me feeling disconnected from the world, b) waking very early in the morning with my stomach in a huge nervous knot, c) struggling to concentrate with anxiety and d) having zero appetite.

Having thoroughly "self-medicated" during the past ten years I have no perspective on how bad any of my symptoms are... whether they're my natural anxiety level or caused by the citalopram getting started...?!

I had the briefest 5 minutes feeling of what I can only describe as normality earlier this morning giving me a tiny amount of hope that this may slowly improve.

Thankfully I've been given an extension on my course of Librium (10mg / day) for another 7 days but after that if I'm still feeling this awful goodness knows what I'm going to do.

I feel bad enough dragging my young family through 3 weeks of this so far and I'm getting ever worried that the bottle is looking like a tempting option to return to "my normality".

All and any thoughts appreciated. :wacko:

[teej]

Well it's day 7 of citalopram and still surviving and still sober. Dose number 7 (20mg) is tonight.

Some of the side effects seem to be dropping off a little - I'm starting to have an appetite again and certainly not waking up in the mornings feeling quite as incredibly anxious with my stomach knotted up although it takes me a good 15 minutes to start functioning. Whether or not this is the assistance of the Librium I don't know... guess I'll find out by next weekend when I run out of it!

In an amongst the anxiety and intrusive thoughts I do seem to have moments of peace. Clarity of thought certainly seems to be returning a little. Yesterday afternoon I had about 15 - 20 minutes of feeling calmer than I had done in months.

When the intrusive thoughts do come back though, they are strong still. Managed to eventually purge my mind of them last night when I finally found something on TV worth watching and this morning they were back. :weep:

Still... early days I guess. Hope it's worth pushing on with this. Just have to keep thinking forwards and reminding myself that I won't die from some horrible alcohol related disease in 10 years time. :unsure:

[teej]

Yuk, well what an awful day. Spent a lot of the day driving to and from places with a sleeping family in the car and plenty of time spent going over and over my same thoughts of worry and anxiety. Will this ever end? Am I going mad? :weep:

Sadly came so close to buying a bottle of booze tonight just to end the torment I seem to have gone through today. It was left to the shop, right to go home. I chose right after talking myself down and remembering the horrors of the withdrawal.

I just seem to end up getting stuck in these ever increasing loops of existential anxiety and I just want a break from this crap. Come on citalopram... start working and help me break this cycle!

I just read sparkle1984's posts on CBT, so hopefully I can start trying some of those techniques to stop myself getting into this state. :wacko:

Sorry everyone for the monologue, but it's proving to be some therapy.

[Britabb]

Keep talking... I'm reading and willing u a long..... I'm approaching week 5... It's starting to get abit better xx

Good luck xx

---------- Post added at 19:38 ---------- Previous post was at 19:33 ----------

And well done for not choosing the alcohol. U r strong!!

[ray52]

Keep going teej I'm also on citalopram 40mg week 7 it does start to get better

Ray

[teej]

Thanks for the support ray52 and britab. I felt like a stranger in the world until I came here. :) So good to know there are understanding people out there.

At what point did either of you feel any anxiety or depression beginning to lift even slightly? 5 and 7 weeks seems like a lifetime away at this point! I seem to be having good 20 - 30 minutes at best at the moment!

I'll keep posting! Thanks!

[Britabb]

About 4-5 weeks for me ( a week ago) but that's when I was prescribed atarax.

[ray52]

It was about the same for me too

Ray

[teej]

Well tonight was dose number 9 of 20mg and I'm feeling I'm beginning to regain some control of mind finally. I'm finding I'm being slightly less tortured by the intrusive thoughts - I can control them to an extent, my appetite is back (with vengeance), and the everyday anxiety I felt with dealing with people is amazingly just totally gone! Also I no longer seem to be waking at a ridiculous hour with horrible stomach gnawing anxiety. When I do wake now it does take a short while for me to shake some anxiety but it's normally gone in an hour or so. Certainly the early evening at work by far seems to be the worst time of day for me at the moment with the intrusive thoughts - around sunset along with the first hour of the morning.

Interestingly I had to go "tell off" some builders this morning who'd blocked in my car. Normally the whole thing would have had me shaking with adrenaline and fearful, but this morning the whole situation was done with ease and within minutes I was joking and laughing with them (my son wanted to see the digger they had). Amazing!:yahoo:

I'm a bit frightened though because I'm beginning to taper off the Librium doses. I've only been on 20mg a day which is not much for librium, and day by day I've been increasing the time between that dose but today I'm down to 10mg. I'm going to see how that goes, but I have an appointment with the GP on Monday so if things are sliding again I can discuss the options there and maybe mention hydroxyzine.

The old battle with the alcohol continues though. Coming back from spin class tonight (I've done cardio based exercise 5-6 times a week through out this ordeal I might add) the demon sitting on my shoulder was telling me to head down the shop "just for 20cl of scotch to settle the nerves". I turned for home instead and decided to write this. I think it can only just be triggered addiction now. Unbelievably my reward for exercise used to be a nice strong vodka based drink.:doh:

So, many battles won over the last two days... I'd say the war is still raging.

Anyway. I'll see how things go. One day at a time as they say. :)

[Tanner40]

Great job, TeeJ. I,m on week four of citalopram and things are just beginning to get easier. I, too, still wake up in the mornings with some anxiety and nauseousness. But after writing for about 30 minutes and spending time on this site, it generally goes down to a manageable level.
I've had CBT before but am taking a refresher course online and that seems to help me. Managing to find the rational responses to my erratic thoughts calms me down and provides me with some clarity about my situation.
Congratulations on saying no to the alcohol once again. You will get better much quicker without it. Keep talking and we will keep listening.

[teej]

Well it's me back again!

I think I've hit my first blip. Just under 3 weeks in on my 20mg and I feel I'm back where I started again. :weep: Recently been having some trouble at work - good people leaving, colleagues just going out of their way to wind me up and yesterday I suddenly felt myself getting increasing irritable. By the time I got home I was flooded with uncontrollable intrusive thoughts and anxiety. I've got a cold too and a sore throat which isn't helping me one bit. This morning I've finally managed to rip myself out of bed, but just feel like I want to hide.

Over the last couple of days I've been trying to move the time I take the tablet to earlier in the day (I'm currently at 6pm down from 9pm) as I find I'm waking around 3am, only to have another utterly fitful 4 hours of sleep until it's time to go to work. Has anyone else experienced this? I hear other people "waking with a feeling of dread" too and I'm still having this. Horrible.

:weep: feeling very sorry for myself and anyone else going through this.

[kahi35]

I feel that way now I can't sleep filled with adrenalin burning sensation in my chest and arms to you feel like this too.

[teej]

Hi kahi35,

How long have you been on cit?