How does your partner cope?

[Kathy]

Hello everyone

Its been about 9 months now since my anxiety started. Although I am very very much better, and holding my head above water, Im still getting a good dunking more often and for longer than Id like.

My question is how does your partner handle this? Do you feel that if you give in to your impulse to discuss it with him/her there comes a time when you can see their pain and you just feel totally guilty and resolve to keep it to yourself? I have told my husband that I wouldnt be surprised if he wanted a divorce just so that he could be happy with someone else, and the kids to be happy too. Although he says he doesnt want to do that I cannot believe that he can bear me, it must be totally awful for him. Last week he started to suffer from what I think are anxiety symptoms himself and I felt soooooo bad, I have infected him with this awful condition. Poor man has a stressful job, comes home to a wife who might be ok but might be in tears - what about him and his needs?

I feel that this condition makes me very selfish, all I can think about when I feel bad is how bad I feel and will I ever get better etc etc, and I totally forget about everyone else's needs and feelings.

Id love to know how all this affects your partners and would be very grateful for any advice.

KathXX

[normalwisdom]

My partner is very suppportive, he found it a real struggle at first, he isn't good around "ill" people, thats how he put it!

I found it very hard to talk to him at first as I didn't know what was going on either! It took a while but now we talk all the time about how I am feeling and if I am ok. He is very understanding when I am having an episode, I hate travelling and he has even gone out of his way to make me feel comfortable when we are travelling.

I like you have often wondered if he would be better off with out me and fine someone "normal", whatever that is!

I dont really have any advice just to make sure your partner knows how you are feeling and why you act the way you do sometimes.

I wouldn't want to be without my partner or family he has been so good to me.

Steph

[mick]

hiKathy
i could have written what you said myself, ive put my wife through hell at times with my anxiety, she knows i cant help it but although she,s been ok about, the other day she said she cant handle much more and if dont change she will leave me thats all i needed to hear! i cant really blame her if she did though, its really hard for her to understand GAD and panic i know, but as ive said to her i really didnt set out in life to have this problem, and she knows that weve been together 21years and through some tough times so im hoping we can sort it out.its hard kathy i know but on the plus side im getting better perhaps her ulltimatum has given me a much needed kick up the backside to finally beat this thing once and for all, she can see me getting better so theirs hope, i think yuo and yor partner will get through it as well as you say your getting better so this will have a positive effect on yuor relationship . Ive found that since ive started using this website that i dont have to burden my wife so much with my problems so much so thats another big plus good luck
Mick

[domino]

ben my hubby trys to understand, it,s a start i guess. but today went to see mum in law and he wanted to go on the moterway, well it is quicker, but i was so anxious and was dreading it ,as we approached the slip road he changed lanes and took me the [long way] round. i was so relieved,yet felt soooo guilty. so for that i am so grateful.i guess in his own way he is trying to understand me ,would,nt be without him.lorraine.

[ceecee]

hi my husband is as supportive as he can be at the moment,but we have had a pretty c**p year.his uncle and cousin died in january,then his dad died in march,and his mum has been in and out of hospital all year.shes had a severe stroke and is always trying to commit suicide so i feel as though i can,t burden him with how i,m feeling as he,s got more than enough on his plate!!!
thats why it,s so lovely to be able to come on to this wonderful site,and share my worries with you lovely people!!!!
take care all
rachel x x

[bearcrazy]

hi steph,
i could have written the post too. i actually started my anxiety when i was engaged 30 years ago. i was sooooo sure that my now hubby would leave me because i didnt deserve to be happy, then when the kids came i thought i might die and leave them, not see them grow up. it has always been a part of our married / family life. Now my kids both have gad too, and so does hubby. the thing is our home is full of love and respect, which cant be said for all homes, even 'normal' ones. i think the anxiety has taught us not to take things for granted. it doesnt help to hide it, they can tell. like mick i use the chat room to give the family a break. it is tough but be positive. you can all work together on this.

[honeybee3939]

Hi Kathy,

My husband is very supportive too, although like you there where times when i thought he would have been better off with out me and my problems of anxiety, i have always taken him along with me to councilling appointments etc, that way he understands things more, also i am pleased he as a hobby, he goes fishing most sundays with his friends which he enjoys so much, he as never complained about my illness, i am getting alot better now and managing to go out more, he as done the weekly shopping for me the last few years, i had to laugh the other day when i went with him, he was like a old washer women telling me off when i put things in the trolley !!! He knew where all the bargins where !!
Things will get better for you kathy, i could of wrote the same post you wrote today a couple of years ago.

Be strong, hugs to you !

love

Andrea
xxx

[yorkylover]

Hi kathy I feel very much like you.My partner is very supportive in every possible way,but I feel a burden to him.I feel that I hold him back from enjoying certain things and going certain places because of this blasted illness.he says it doesnt matter,but it matters to me.I quite often wonders why on earth he stays with me.I feel very selfish at times,but then have to remember its an illness we have.;)

Ellen XX

[matilda]

My hubby is pretty terrific!!! He loved me before all this and he loves me still!!

After all in sickness and in health!!!

[Insomniac]

Hi Kath

What a great post! We know that our illness does not just affect us, and I know that I feel guilty when my husband and daughter suffer (by missing out on things) because of it. My hubby is my greatest support. He is fab!

I had depression when we met and wondered even then why he would want to be with me. But that was depression talking, and the anxiety can do the same to us. Drags us down. But luckily for me, hubby is patient and does his best to support me without letting me get away with total avoidance when I'm really bad. [8D]


Lisa.

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

[GAD]

I sypathise completely. My husband was a star at first (well for the first two years and until i actually accepted that IT WAS ANXIETY). After this though he did feel the strain and yes i do feel terribly guilty. I pushed him to the edge with my constant seeking reassurance and my being self absorbed. I too have said on many of occasion why dont you go and find someone you can be happy with (although of course i dont mean it). He goes through so much even now that i am not constantly on his earhole. I still demonstrate my anxiety to him in different ways that i am not even aware of at the time. its not until i sit and reflect that i realise just how much i have put him through. I try not to feel guilty anymore but do acknowledge his thoughts and feelings alot more nowdays and try my hardest to not bring him down with me. It must be soo hard and frustrating for them but at the end of the day, we cant help it, and can only do our best to get better.

Michelle
x

[LickeyEndBlues]

Hi Kathy

Thanks for starting this great thread. Like many others I too could have written this and I can relate to it and the other postings. Shani, my partner is most definately a rock for me...and the kids b17/14g. I too felt they would be better off without me, but that is just a symptom of the illness.

For her she feels she would rather have me as I am than not at all. Obviously she wants me "better" but she wants me.

She has said, sometimes it is difficult, not really knowing what she is coming home too and when she is down it is hard. The main thing I think is we try and talk about it when we can...for me that is difficult but we try. I guess it is about making the best of the good times.

Kathy, you are not alone here.

Take care

Iain

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