Head is in a spiral

[ciaran.j]

Hi there

I am an anxiety sufferer for most of my life....I come from a background where my father was a top professional. With that he was abusive non loving and criticised at every corner. This led to weight gain and alcohol abuse (Binge).

Just a bit of background. At the moment I feel alone, in a state of permanent unhappiness. This has spiralled since being verbally abused at,
A co worker bumper through me and said"get out of the way you fat *******" This was reported but in our work most things are brushed under the carpet.
I took 3 weeks off and came back to work to be told a third of my responsibilities had been given to another person. Then I week after I got marked down in a review in a decision made from opinion not fact.

This and my father being a stroke victim where he has been bed bound for 9 years. The whole family are now feuding over money.

Plus my home-life is pretty busy.

I have never felt this down......

I am talented and have many skills.....

My problem is that I internalise everything and store but the mask I have covering me does not explain the suffering i go through on a daily basis....

I find it hard to read because my concentration levels have gone out the window...

I am back at my GP on Wednesday and OT on Monday week but now im feeling anxious about everything,,,,,,even putting litter in a bin..

I have always beaten my episodes which been many.....

To look and speak to me....you would think I was suffering as badly as you think....

BTW I have been to 66 hours of one on one counselling

The demons are my past and are like a tidal wave being held up by my hands.....this time they have given way

cj

[theharvestmouse]

What other support have you had beside counselling?

[ciaran.j]

i am going for a review on Wednesday but part from that nothing

cj

[ciaran.j]

no one want to at least answer

[T*]

Have you spoken about your past in detail to anyone? You already you keep everything in, so mayne just letting it escape through talking about it, would help to rod you of some of those demons. As fornthe guy at work who called you that, he is worth nothing, hes probably got a whole lot of issues of his own and putting others down makes him feel better. Try to think about the positive youre doing and how great that is. Its hard when both home and work life are stressful, so find your own escape, wether thats music pr just a long walk ect. :)

[theharvestmouse]

How did it go with the doctor?

[ciaran.j]

Dr says she thinks I'mssuffering post traumatic stress originating from childhood. Work incidents has tripped a massive anxiety... Feel so alone and strung out

[baldy_dude]

Listen pal - you are not alone with this. Someone (me and loads more across the country are going through some feelings) - you hold your head up and be strong!
Take care my man!

[ciaran.j]

any advice on coping mechanisms for everyday? I am going to group session on tuesday?

[theharvestmouse]

It's a bit of a cliche and I know how bloody hard it is to do this but living in the present is something that will make day to day life a little easier. Whatever it is you are doing you have to focus on that, and you try to notice things like noises around you, and basic things like the texture of something you are holding. Or the feel of the sun/rain/ wind on your skin. I guess it's a bit of a meditative state, I have managed it on a few occassions, and it feels good.

Good luck with your group session.

[Tessar]

Cj, I feel for you, I really do. I so hate people who come out with unkind comments like your had to endure. That colleague of yours should never have got away with what they said. No way.
You do have so much going on in your life, many of the things alone would drag even the most positive of people down so really it is no surprise how bad you feel.
I do wish I could just reach out to you and somehow make it all ok. Unfortunately I can't but what I can do is help you here and so will everyone else too.
I would have suggested counselling or therapy... But I see you've had some already. Are you still I treatment? Also I wonder if your sessions were geared towards helping you combat the problems you were having and learn skills, such as in CBT, that mean you are more able to tolerate situations that have been proving difficult?
Sending you hugs xxxx

[ciaran.j]

Went to occupational health today.........I think the penny has dropped with me.....I'm depressed and I need to recognise from within.....Today will be a new start with the best of my ability....

I have been recognised in work with a mental health disability and from now on that will be recognised....

This will allow me to get better from within and try and get stronger in a slow but sure way

I am now off work until after Christmas......This should get me back in the game and being able to function

I appreciate the kind works and hope to continue on with the care and happiness try and bring to myself to a stable environment

[phil6]

I know what you asking as I have just posted a similar appeal.
Our circumstances may differ in many ways but I think the main issue is dealing with how you feel now. The state you are in now.
You can feel as if you've lost your way and that you need someone to tell you the way.
My mind like yours is lost in trying to find a way forward.
The are no magical sentences to help... There are just simple facts.
The more we struggle with how we feel. The more we try and change the way we feel, The bigger the hole we find ourselves in.
I don't know how to say this but not caring how we feel is the answer. Its just the way we are today. I know how to trite that sounds. I wish I could do that myself. I'm failing to do it as I type this, but deep down I know it's the way forward.
Be Gentle with yourself, give yourself a break, believe that you will come out of this, but the process is not going to be pain free.
Depression will lift eventually if we stop pouring petrol on fire. Give up the struggle.
Let's both try this one more time....
Phil

[ciaran.j]

Today was better....went to a group therapy.........came out of it informed and also realising that I am being to hard on myself...


Being down and anxious has been me all my life.....I don't need the emotional baggage......

Being down means the only way is up..........as I look up at the moment the is one ray of sunshine and that's my wife and son.........


CJ

[Sparkle1984]

It's good that you've got some time off work to help you recover. What help did the doctor give you? Any new meds?

[ciaran.j]

What a day......feel like Lords know what......Went to the Drs and coincidently the reply from Mental Health came back......They wont give me an appointment to see a Psychiatrist...



Your at ones wits end and these people wouldnt see me even though my own Dr believes I suffering from PTSD

I went to a group session and that helped but I fell let down

My Drs is appealing it