View Full Version : Advice for separating from husband?
Hey guys,
I want to ask if any of you anxiety sufferers have been through separation or divorce, and how you coped with it?
I am seeing a counsellor and a marriage counsellor, and I have plenty of support from my family - but I'd like to hear from people who've struggled with anxiety and been through something as stressful as this.
It looks like my husband & I will separate, it's something that we've been talking about for a while now for many reasons. We're both obviosouly nervous about being on our own again, but it's not a good enough reason to stay together.
How did you cope with it? Did your anxiety ease in any way after the split happened? I don't have any close friends and no family near where I live, so I am worried about being lonely. I'll be making a plan to get myself closer to where I come from so I can be near my family, but it will take some time.
My anxiety is doing a lot better these days, but for anyone this would be an anxiety inducing situation and I worry about going downhill again. That's not really rational I know, but it is in the back of my mind.
Hiya Honeylove.. I went through a horrid divorce many years ago, and he'd successfully knackered my confidence and self-esteem during the marriage. That, plus the anxiety I was already going through due to health issues, made me stay in the marriage longer than I would have normally. However I looked at my kids and the effect it was all having on them, and somehow made the decision to get us out. It wasn't easy... I was lucky in that I had wonderful supportive parents nearby, some very good friends, and I contacted a local welfare organisation, who were amazing. They connected me with a solicitor, and were there during office hours for me anytime I needed, for anything, even if it was just a moan.
If you don't have friends or family to rally round you, then I'd advise you to look around your area and see what there is.. there might be a community centre, church support group.. something like that.
And if you ever want to talk, pm me anytime :) x
I guess I would say much the same as Daisy Sue for my own experience. For me I was more relaxed once I was on my own with the children because it was a safer environment for us. Keep busy with hobbies and spending time with friends.
Thanks guys, I'm sorry to hear you both went through such a difficult time with your exs. I'm fortunate that this isn't an abusive relationship, but it hasn't been working in many ways and we both seem to want very different things.
He is very moody though, grumpy a lot, and i have been living trying to temper our lives, and myself, in order not to have him getting upset. But I'm tired of living that way and I think a big part of my anxiety comes from always walking on eggshells, or spending time with someone who is so stressed out constantly over everyday things. It's not a nice environment to be in, and I feel that I cannot be myself or be sick (I have ongoing health problems) in my relationship because he cannot handle it. There are many other problems that we have, and it's both my fault as well as his that things have ended up where they are.
You're right that I need to find support where I live. I have lots of people who I know, but only one actual close friend who happens to work with me. My family are supportive but they don't live nearby, so I think I will just try to visit a lot more. Maybe there are support groups in my area, I will have a google to see - I know there must be other women out there who have felt the same as me.
Keeping busy is also a good plan, rather than letting myself be sad and static. I will make a point of indulging in my hobbies and being creative rather than letting this experience get me down too much. I love to write and plan to join a creative writing group as a way to keep busy and also to maybe meet some friends.
Did either of you find that it helped your anxiety levels when you were out of a difficult environment?
In some ways it helped my anxiety levels, but in other ways my anxiety got worse. I was in a very difficult relationship and I guess I coped because I had to. It wasn't until I remarried and now in a very happy relationship that my anxiety came to a head. I think because I am in comfortable circumstances now, all the anxiety and stress had to come out sometime and it choose the 'safe' time.
I think I know what you mean, it's like you kept battling until you were finally able to relax and really feel it. I'm sorry it ended up that way for you with anxiety, but it's encouraging to hear you happily remarried. I can't ever imagine being in another relationship, in fact that thought is anxiety inducing itself.
Honey..for me i was married for 15 years uptill last june..i was suffering anxiety and depression for thev last 10 years.we loved each other but were not in love with each other anymore.im 47 and we hung in there for the sake of the kids in the end.we couldnt imagin being on our own as we were best mates to..but we did split last year and when we did we both had this massive feeling of relief..i felt hapoy and so did she.within a few days my depression left me and the anxiety went..bang..all gone..so i guess it was all due to the fact that deap down inside we were both very unhappy with our lifes.i felt so much better ....
Me. It was really hard at the time and it's hard to see how you'll get through, but you will. I had no choice but to divorce after what my ex did to me (well I did, but I'd have ended up in a far worse state) and looking back I'm glad I did. In some ways, I'm better anxiety-wise than I ever was when I was with him.
Honey..for me i was married for 15 years uptill last june..i was suffering anxiety and depression for thev last 10 years.we loved each other but were not in love with each other anymore.im 47 and we hung in there for the sake of the kids in the end.we couldnt imagin being on our own as we were best mates to..but we did split last year and when we did we both had this massive feeling of relief..i felt hapoy and so did she.within a few days my depression left me and the anxiety went..bang..all gone..so i guess it was all due to the fact that deap down inside we were both very unhappy with our lifes.i felt so much better ....
Greg this sounds really like my own situation, we have fallen out of love but we still care for each other and are each others best friend. The fact that there's not a majorly obvious reason for a split makes it really hard, it might be easier if we hated each other lol.
We are fortunate not to have children, but I understand why you stuck around for as long as you did.
We both got that feeling of relief when we first spoke about separating in a counselling session together. But then my husband panicked about it, when he really thought about what that meant, and I began to feel guilty and to doubt. I have a feeling though, that once we make the final decision and just do it we will both feel relieved.
Deep down we are both very unhappy, just like you were, and realistically having seen that there is no way we can go back to the way things were before.
I'm glad to hear that it helped you anxiety, I have a feeling that it might help mine too. Thanks for sharing.
---------- Post added at 15:25 ---------- Previous post was at 15:24 ----------
Me. It was really hard at the time and it's hard to see how you'll get through, but you will. I had no choice but to divorce after what my ex did to me (well I did, but I'd have ended up in a far worse state) and looking back I'm glad I did. In some ways, I'm better anxiety-wise than I ever was when I was with him.
I'm glad to hear that you feel better off now lizzie, although it sounds like what you went through was difficult.
Yeah it's hard to see how it's possible to come out the other side of it all, but it's encouraging reading about how it has helped and empowered others.
Even if i didnt have kids i still would have stayed with her i think.we were a habbit and althogh i lovrd her and coukdnt imagin living without her i think i would have stayed as long as i did..we just didnt have the ciurage to split up.we made each other so unhappy out of love..i still really care about her very much so.but know we cant be together.i think if you seperate you will soon feel a whole lot better.
I think I was better off in every single way, once we'd separated. It was lonely, scary, and I had a real sense of failure despite knowing he'd failed me & the kids & not the other way round... But it didn't take long before this massive wave of relief hit me, and the realisation that my home was now a place of freedom... we were free to feel however we wanted to, without someone else's misery and anger dictating the mood of the house all the time.
It's hard, when you've got anxiety anyway, living in a relationship which you know isn't right, and I think you'll feel far more in control once you've made the decision.
I also felt something else I didn't envisage - pride. The fact that I was managing all my own money affairs, bringing up the kids, keeping the home nice, etc etc, made me feel so proud.
I think my anxiety dropped a lot once the divorce was finished with as well.
I'm glad you still have a decent friendship with your husband, it will make things so much easier and nicer, but I'm sorry it has come to this for you.
Even if i didnt have kids i still would have stayed with her i think.we were a habbit and althogh i lovrd her and coukdnt imagin living without her i think i would have stayed as long as i did..we just didnt have the ciurage to split up.we made each other so unhappy out of love..i still really care about her very much so.but know we cant be together.i think if you seperate you will soon feel a whole lot better.
Greg everything you said really does sound a lot like us, and it makes me feel better knowing that you've been through it and discovered it was the right decision. I hope that you're in a much better place these days. I've had a deep seated anxiety about the relationship for many years, but I was afraid to explore it. However, there's no hiding from it anymore.
---------- Post added at 16:23 ---------- Previous post was at 16:14 ----------
I think I was better off in every single way, once we'd separated. It was lonely, scary, and I had a real sense of failure despite knowing he'd failed me & the kids & not the other way round... But it didn't take long before this massive wave of relief hit me, and the realisation that my home was now a place of freedom... we were free to feel however we wanted to, without someone else's misery and anger dictating the mood of the house all the time.
It's hard, when you've got anxiety anyway, living in a relationship which you know isn't right, and I think you'll feel far more in control once you've made the decision.
I also felt something else I didn't envisage - pride. The fact that I was managing all my own money affairs, bringing up the kids, keeping the home nice, etc etc, made me feel so proud.
I think my anxiety dropped a lot once the divorce was finished with as well.
I'm glad you still have a decent friendship with your husband, it will make things so much easier and nicer, but I'm sorry it has come to this for you.
Living by my own rules is something I really look forward to Daisy. Although my situation doesn't sound as bad as yours, I really do feel like I've been living trying to keep someone else happy for years. And I know relationships come with some kind of compromise always, but not this much.
I can't wait to eat what I like, feel what I like, be sick when I'm sick, be able to be myself whether that's anxious or not, even silly things like having visitors over without worrying about his reaction or plans changing unexpectedly without pissing him off. Just to go with the flow of things again will be a relief, life is too stressful otherwise.
I feel bad because he is a product of his own crappy childhood and difficult parents, in that sense I feel like I should have had more patience and like I've failed him. And I have this huge sense of failure and shame hanging over me, the thought of letting him down and having to tell my family or other people in my community finding out. It feels embarrassing.
I'm glad that you found that sense of pride, it takes a lot of courage to leave a situation like that with kids. I gives me hope that you were able to do it and come out the other side ok.
Hey guys,
I'm really struggling with this stuff at the moment, so just looking for a little support I suppose.
Now the new year has started and we've both begun the process of looking for a new place to live and it's really hitting me hard. I'm a bit of a mess with tears bubbling out of me at any opportunity, including at work which is a major nuisance.
I know all the things to do to deal with the stress, and most of them are in place. But I imagine that any person would have trouble with this stuff, never mind if they already had anxiety problems or not.
The worst part is that we've been getting on really well over the last few weeks, I guess because the pressure is off now that we're technically not in a relationship any more.
But I know this isn't a true reflection of what it was like when we were a couple, it's just hard to keep the reasons we're doing this in mind and I'm struggling with wondering if we're doing the right thing.
I imagine most of you had a similar battle with the decision, can you chat to me a bit about it?
harasgenster
08-01-14, 13:51
Hi HoneyLove
I yesterday left my boyfriend of four years who I was living with and went to sleep at a friend's house. I know it isn't the same as splitting with a husband, but I hope I can offer some moral support anyway.
In my case, there wasn't anything particularly wrong with our relationship I could pinpoint, it had just lost its spark. I felt more that he was my best friend than my boyfriend. He is still in love with me. I am homesick and I miss him already and everytime the thought that sometime we will eventually say our final goodbye and get on with our lives enters my mind I feel like there is not point in living anymore - I just can't cope with it, I can't imagine life without him and I don't want to imagine it because it's just too awful (for now, but read on...).
I have also just recently recovered from anxiety/depression.
Basically, I feel awful. But I expected to. You should expect to feel awful in these situations - that's how absolutely everybody would feel whether they've ever suffered from anxiety or not. The pain is incredible and I wish the world would just end because I don't see any point in going on (right now, at this moment, that's how I feel) but I know that will pass. Because emotions pass.
The horrible emotions that come with separation - loss, guilt, stress, lots of anxiety over everything suddenly being unfamiliar and nothing just being 'normal' anymore (not your house, not your bed, not your stuff, no hugs from your loved one etc.), regret - are just emotions. They are not evidence that an anxiety disorder is rearing its ugly head. They are the emotions that everybody goes through in difficult times and you can cope with them. I can cope with them.
It will feel bad for a while - sometimes quite a long time - but emotions pass if you allow them to play out. They do not last forever. And one day both of us will feel better than we would have done if we had not chosen this path: because we have made the right decision.
Take one day at a time and do not put pressure on yourself to feel well. Can't you take some time off work? Won't your boss understand if you tell him/her that you are currently going through a separation? Could you maybe go part-time for a while?
Your health and happiness is more important than your job. If you can't cope at work, tell somebody. You deserve to be treated like a human being.
Hi harasgenster,
I just wanted to say thank you for your reply, I'm actually in the office at the moment and your words made me well up a bit again so I'm not going to reply properly to you know - I'll wait until I get home and am free to be a bit teary if need be.
But thank you, your advice is just what I need to hear.
Honeylove - it's a really difficult time, and you'll probably go through lots of ups and downs and "am I doing the right thing". However, I'm sure it's not a decision you reached lightly, and I'm a firm believer in everything happening for a reason. It's good that you're getting on and being civil, as at least you can sort things more easily. There was definitely no civilness between my ex and I and this was draining, but in some ways it confirmed that I was doing the right thing.
Try to see it as the start of a new adventure. Focus on getting your own place and plan, it's of things lime decorating, having friends over, etc.
Feel free to pm me if you want to discuss this more. It gets easier over time, I promise.
There are bound to be tears, probably on both sides - it's a mixture of loss & grief, and is completely normal. You're in a kind of limbo situation right now where you've made the decision to part, yet you're still together, and that's a difficult environment for you both.
You'll feel better once you're not living together - not immediately, it probably will hurt for a good while, but mentally it'll be far healthier for you than the unnatural situation you're in right now.
Look after yourself, see your friends, and don't be surprised at the tides of different emotions you may feel. You'll be ok, honest. x
HoneyLove, everything that your feeling, the relief, the fear, the sadness, the sense of failure, is all perfectly normal. I left a 12 year relationship with someone who was my best friend, about 16 years ago. We both knew that it was time and that we both had settled into complacency many years before, but it was the most difficult thing I had ever done. It was with great sadness, yet also with a sense of releif, that I left. The two coexisted for quite some time. We both doubted ourselves and our decisions many times.
It took years but today we still love and care about each other and are good friends. We look back on the good times with joy and we have forgotten the bad times. We are thankful for what we had and for our close friendship today.
I can tell you that the first two years of living alone was a period of reflection and quite liberating. I got to know myself again and to develop interests of my own. If I wanted to eat cereal in bed, I did. If I wanted to cry, I did. And many times I laughed.
Trust your instincts and find the time to live the life that is you. I'm around anytime that you want to talk. I totally understand and get where you are. The mixed emotions can be the most confusing of all. Perfectly normal though.
Hi HoneyLove
I yesterday left my boyfriend of four years who I was living with and went to sleep at a friend's house. I know it isn't the same as splitting with a husband, but I hope I can offer some moral support anyway.
In my case, there wasn't anything particularly wrong with our relationship I could pinpoint, it had just lost its spark. I felt more that he was my best friend than my boyfriend. He is still in love with me. I am homesick and I miss him already and everytime the thought that sometime we will eventually say our final goodbye and get on with our lives enters my mind I feel like there is not point in living anymore - I just can't cope with it, I can't imagine life without him and I don't want to imagine it because it's just too awful (for now, but read on...).
I have also just recently recovered from anxiety/depression.
Basically, I feel awful. But I expected to. You should expect to feel awful in these situations - that's how absolutely everybody would feel whether they've ever suffered from anxiety or not. The pain is incredible and I wish the world would just end because I don't see any point in going on (right now, at this moment, that's how I feel) but I know that will pass. Because emotions pass.
The horrible emotions that come with separation - loss, guilt, stress, lots of anxiety over everything suddenly being unfamiliar and nothing just being 'normal' anymore (not your house, not your bed, not your stuff, no hugs from your loved one etc.), regret - are just emotions. They are not evidence that an anxiety disorder is rearing its ugly head. They are the emotions that everybody goes through in difficult times and you can cope with them. I can cope with them.
It will feel bad for a while - sometimes quite a long time - but emotions pass if you allow them to play out. They do not last forever. And one day both of us will feel better than we would have done if we had not chosen this path: because we have made the right decision.
Take one day at a time and do not put pressure on yourself to feel well. Can't you take some time off work? Won't your boss understand if you tell him/her that you are currently going through a separation? Could you maybe go part-time for a while?
Your health and happiness is more important than your job. If you can't cope at work, tell somebody. You deserve to be treated like a human being.
Hi harasgenster, I'm really sad for you about the split with your boyfriend. Boyfriend or husband, it's all the same really, it's just that with marriage you have the tricky legal business of divorce. You and I are feeling similar things at the moment, the sadness and dread of saying goodbye and moving on with a new life.
You're right that I need to allow myself to feel all of this, instead of trying to bottle it up. I try to squash it down so that I can get on with my life in as normal a way as possible until I have some private room to grieve - and it really feels like grieving. I have a little cry whenever I get the opportunity to, even if that means sitting in the bathroom at work for a while.
I have a very understanding boss fortunately, but I'm not ready to talk to him about this just yet. I had to take almost 3 months off work last year because I was really sick, so I'm reluctant to take more time off so soon. But I think when it comes to moving house I will take a couple of days to settle into my new space and give myself time to deal with it all.
I hope that you'll be OK after splitting up with your boyfriend, feel welcome to get in touch if you want to. Thanks for all the advice, in the midst of your own pain you've given me some words that really help x
---------- Post added at 13:00 ---------- Previous post was at 12:52 ----------
Honeylove - it's a really difficult time, and you'll probably go through lots of ups and downs and "am I doing the right thing". However, I'm sure it's not a decision you reached lightly, and I'm a firm believer in everything happening for a reason. It's good that you're getting on and being civil, as at least you can sort things more easily. There was definitely no civilness between my ex and I and this was draining, but in some ways it confirmed that I was doing the right thing.
Try to see it as the start of a new adventure. Focus on getting your own place and plan, it's of things lime decorating, having friends over, etc.
Feel free to pm me if you want to discuss this more. It gets easier over time, I promise.
Thanks for your kind words lizzie, I'm sorry that you had a rough time with your ex - I have two aunts in a similar situation and it's made life so difficult for them. I hope that you've reached a happier place in your life now.
You're right about it not being a decision that we reached lightly, we talked and thought about it for a long time and talked it through with our counsellor in depth. I need to remind myself of that when I'm feeling very down, there is a reason that we reached this decision and we made it together. It's hard to keep that in mind, but it's important.
Thanks for the offer of a chat by PM, I might just do that as I know I'll find myself struggling over the next few weeks.
I'm going to view an apartment this evening, I have a good feeling about it so please keep your fingers crossed for me x
---------- Post added at 13:06 ---------- Previous post was at 13:00 ----------
There are bound to be tears, probably on both sides - it's a mixture of loss & grief, and is completely normal. You're in a kind of limbo situation right now where you've made the decision to part, yet you're still together, and that's a difficult environment for you both.
You'll feel better once you're not living together - not immediately, it probably will hurt for a good while, but mentally it'll be far healthier for you than the unnatural situation you're in right now.
Look after yourself, see your friends, and don't be surprised at the tides of different emotions you may feel. You'll be ok, honest. x
Thanks Daisy, you're totally right about all of that stuff. It's definitely a mixture of loss and grief that I'm feeling, it's devestating and confusing.
Limbo is a word that both of us have used for our living situation at the moment, and we recognise how difficult it will be to get our heads together until we move out. I'm both looking forward to and dreading moving out. What I really want most is just to move on, but for that I've got to get through this difficult part first.
You're right too about feeling different emotions, I feel like a different person from one minute to the next. I have a friend who I supported through her own separation and divorce, and I remember her saying to me that she was beginning to think she might be bipolar or have some other mood disorder because of how rapidly her emotions swung from one to the other. Through counselling she learned that of course it's totally normal for that to happen, so I should expect it myself.
As I said to lizzie, I'm going to see an apartment this evening and I have a good feeling about it so I hope that I'll have somewhere new to live very soon.
Thanks again x
---------- Post added at 13:14 ---------- Previous post was at 13:06 ----------
HoneyLove, everything that your feeling, the relief, the fear, the sadness, the sense of failure, is all perfectly normal. I left a 12 year relationship with someone who was my best friend, about 16 years ago. We both knew that it was time and that we both had settled into complacency many years before, but it was the most difficult thing I had ever done. It was with great sadness, yet also with a sense of releif, that I left. The two coexisted for quite some time. We both doubted ourselves and our decisions many times.
It took years but today we still love and care about each other and are good friends. We look back on the good times with joy and we have forgotten the bad times. We are thankful for what we had and for our close friendship today.
I can tell you that the first two years of living alone was a period of reflection and quite liberating. I got to know myself again and to develop interests of my own. If I wanted to eat cereal in bed, I did. If I wanted to cry, I did. And many times I laughed.
Trust your instincts and find the time to live the life that is you. I'm around anytime that you want to talk. I totally understand and get where you are. The mixed emotions can be the most confusing of all. Perfectly normal though.
Thanks so much Tanner - I think that your situation sounds very close to my own. We are more like best friends than husband & wife, and it's been that way for a long time. Although I sometimes miss the physical closeness of having a cuddle, apart from that I don't really view him in a husband kind of way any more.
I really hope that we can have the same kind of relationship you and your ex wife have now, that's the best result I could hope for. And I think it will be possible, our counsellor felt the same way too after helping us talk through our problems.
It's heartening to hear that you found the first years of being single were liberating. I kind of look forward to being able to lie in bed for hours and read in the mornings, or listen to the radio as I used to do. Little things like that. Tonnes of vegetables that he hated and meals that I couldn't cook lol. Maybe have a pet cat or dog which he was always dead set against.
Thanks so much for sharing your experience, it really does seem like we went through a simiar thing and I think I will be in touch with you to chat about it, I could really use that support sometimes.
I'm wobbly today as ever, one minute fine, one minute teary. But I'm just keeping myself busy and doing the best that I can. I know I can get through it.
You can and will get through this, Honey Love. You will be surprised at how liberating it will begin to feel to have your life back again. In the meantime, it is one of the most difficult things to ever go through. Get in touch with me anytime to talk. I'm glad to share my experiences and to listen.
harasgenster
09-01-14, 15:01
I try to squash it down so that I can get on with my life in as normal a way as possible until I have some private room to grieve - and it really feels like grieving.
Take as much time as you possibly can to cry, HoneyLove. After my last breakup - that time he left me - I was determined that I would just live as normal and that it would not stop me from continuing with my life so I refused to let myself feel. I actually wrote in my diary that 'I have no time to feel sad at the moment, I'm too busy'.
Eventually I snowballed into such a deep depression that I was unwell for five years and unable to move on from the breakup, which just seemed to hurt as much as it did on day 1!
I've learned from that and this time I'm going to feel absolutely everything. I cried for the full day when we broke up, and then half the day the next day. I literally just bawled for hours. It felt better to cry and just say to the world: 'Not now, work can wait, my responsibilities can wait, right now I'm sad and I'm just going to be sad'.
There's no shame in not being able to continue as normal. If you feel the need to take a day to cry, then make sure you do it.
I have also found it helpful to sleep elsewhere for a few days. I don't know if you have friends with a spare room that could help out? I've just been sleeping in a box room with one spare change of clothes but being out of the 'marital home', so to speak, and having space to just cry has been a Godsend.
It's not sustainable so I will be moving into the spare room of our flat in a few days' time while we both try to find somewhere else to live. There's no animosity between me and the ex, and like with your husband, we're getting along great, so at least there isn't the conflict to deal with.
Hi. I am full of admiration of you and you seem to be coping so well with everything. I need to follow suit and try to reduce my anxiety levels by separating from my husband and unfortunately, my marriage can be abusive at times. I have not written on here for some time but have read many posts to try to understand that many people are in unhappy relationships and staying is not the answer. This year I hope I have the courage to finally do something about it. I wish you much luck and happiness.
Hi guys, I've found somewhere else to live and I should be moving in there at the end of this month. I find it both hopeful and terrifying, it's going to be a massive change. I've been crying a lot and am not sleeping well, but I'm being gentle with myself and making sure I take care of myself despite how tired I am. Sometimes I feel anxiety, but not too much. I think all of this is pretty much normal for anyone going through this stuff, you've probably all been there.
Harasgenster thanks again for sharing your experiences, it helps me to hear how other people got through things. Unfortunately I don't really have anywhere else I can go right now, I've left myself in a really bad position with no close friends and no family nearby. There are loads of people I know, but none well enough to tell them something so private and ask for somewhere to stay. But now I know I'm on the way to somewhere new to live I feel a little bit better, I have something very good to look forward to.
Merida, I'm so sorry for you that you find yourself in a difficult position. No one deserves to have an abusive partner. Is there anything we can do to help you? If you let us know roughly the area where you are living we can help you search for support there? Please feel welcome to PM me if I can do anything for you. You're right that while you're in that kind of position that you may not be able to resolve your anxiety, I can imagine that you're living under a lot of stress. Please do reach out for help, we will do anything we can to support you here x
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