Heath Anxiety, Stress, Husbands death, everything

[Pet59]

Hi All,
I am new to this forum although have been watching and reading for the past few weeks. In brief (although not sure how brief!)
I am 35 years old, am an expat in the Middle East. My husband (then boyf of 8 years) moved here in 2010 and I travelled back and forth to see him. In 2011 I moved here, started a new job. In April 2012 we got married. In May 2013 he was killed in a road accident. He was a passenger and his driver lost control.

This has now started an ongoing chain of events.

My HA which I have had since my mid teens but has come and gone at different times has now reached an all time high. I think about death and dying all the time and it scares me so so much. I must stress that I do NOT have suicidal thoughts at all. I get a headache, and its a brain tumour, a numb cheek, at best its Bells Palsy, at worst its a stroke, I continually poke and prod myself looking for lumps and bumps. My blood pressure it high and I have a high resting heart rate. My doctor gave me beta blockers and I havent taken them, incase they slow my heart too much and it stops!! Sounds so so silly I know, but all very real in my head. I have started to go out and after drinking alcohol, my heart rate is flying so much so it wakens me in the middle of the night and I think I am having a heart attack.

I think about my husband the whole time. The repatiation process took a long time (although shorter than the 8-12 weeks that was first anticipated) and it meant that I was unable to see my husband and say goodbye to him properly. Once at home, I was insistent to the undertakers that I wanted to see him and they sat me down and described in great detail the extent of his injuries in a bid to deter me and I also received pistures of the accident scene and in two of them my husband can be seen. I eventually agreed with them.

My husband had been working temporarily in another gulf country at the time. I had left him to the airport on 12 May and he told me how much he loved me and always would and said he wasnt coming back. I asked him what he meant as it would not be unusal for his visa to be extended and his trips abroad be longer than first anticipated. He said "no i am not coming back alive. this job is going to kill me". I told him not to be silly and he said "no i have a really bad feeling about this. Something is going to happen and I am not coming back alive". He threw his bag over his shoulder and waved and said "il see you on 10th june....hopefully" I didnt see him again.

He called me literally 2 minutes before the accident, complained that the driver was speeding, said he was 5 minutes away from site and how he only had 2 weeks left until he was home again. 14.50 I received a call to return to my place of work where the news was broken to me.

Ive had nightmares, I think about him all the time, I dream about him, I can "hear" him, my dreams in general about other things are mental. I had a whole drama because I dreamt in July time that I died on 19th August. 19th August was not a good day for me.

I went to the doc and he did my bloods and told me I was eating and drinking too well and I needed to lose weight (another ongoing battle). Im not VERY overweight but yes, maybe 2 and a half stone needs to go. He wanted to put me on antidepressants but I said no. I dont know an awful lot about them to be honest however in my mind, how do I ever come off them again?? If I take the and feel great, what happens when I stop and then it all comes crashing down again....maybe Im wrong.

People have been very good and suportive but I know that evetually they will get sick of me moaning about my health issues...health issues that I dont even have.

Married at 33, widowed at 34, just spent my first birthday last month as a widow, Christmas is coming up, New Year, my husbands birthday and then what would have been our 2nd wedding anniversary.

I think Im a bit lost.

---------- Post added at 06:50 ---------- Previous post was at 06:41 ----------

I would also like to add that often I feel like Im not really here and on waking most mornings, I feel like I have to check that Im alive and not dead....does that even make any sense at all????

[jillyb]

So very sad reading your post. No wonder you are all over the place. Is it possible for you to have some bereavement counselling? It might help you to come to terms with your loss. My ex died earlier this year and, apart from the sadness, it has had an awful affect on my health anxiety. I guess it somehow focuses us on our own mortality. Everyone experiences grief in their own way and it is still very new for you. Be kind to yourself, you have been through a terrible loss and it is, quite understandably, going to take time to heal. I send you my love x

[cattia]

Oh I am so sorry to hear about your husband. What a horrible time you've had. Your anxiety is a very normal and understandable reaction to everything that's happened. I have never lost anyone as close as my husband but I did lose a close friend very suddenly seven years ago so I know that these things never go away but in time you will learn how to live with your grief in a less raw way. Anti depressants can really help with accute anxiety but I also think that with traumatic grief like this, counselling and excellent support from friends and family may be even more helpful. I am sure you will find many people here who understand and will listen and talk you through your feelings Xx

[Andria24]

Pet - first of all welcome to NMP. I hope that we can help you feel supported and listened to ... for sure many of us have either experienced similar events or we can at least empathise with the way that you're feeling.

Ok, so you're in a good old emotional, physical and psychological pickle. First things first: meds are a great form of 'bridge support' and you'd be surprised how much better you'll feel when on the right ones (sometimes takes a couple of different types to get the right 'fit').

If it helps think of them like this: you feel calmer and more capable. You're able to think clearly and sensibly. This aids the healing process. Given that meds are not a cure, you then utilise counselling/therapeutic services. This is a key aspect towards full recovery.

The two together are what bring you back to a new version of normalcy and I'd highly recommend that you consider embracing your need for the help and support currently offered by your doctor.

Make that appointment. You have two issues - one being the grief and confusing wrought by the loss of your husband, the other the anxiety disorder. Initially I'd consider grief counselling. It's very very good. It's also specialist and, given what you're going through, it's probably exactly what you need right now.

With regard to your loss - I am genuinely sorry to hear that you've lost your husband. I've experienced similar and well ... it's difficult to put into words. For me time wasn't so much the healer as my ability to process the loss. It still bites me now, when I really sit down and think about it (years have passed) so I think it's fair to say that I don't believe in 'moving on', rather I believe in the acceptance of the loss and figuring out a new way to live without them. It's an awful lot of emotion and fear but you do get there if the end.

I hope something that I've said has helped :hugs:

[Daisy Sue]

Hi Pet, I'm heartbroken for you - to have your husband and all your dreams of a future with him snatched away like that is just so cruel :(

It might be that you need more than just your GP's input at this time, I think you'd benefit from a trained counsellor in bereavement, and I think that an antidepressant might well help you cope - it won't make you incredibly happy and remove the feelings of what has happened, but it may be a much-needed crutch to help get you through these hardest months, & give you the chance to adjust.

Many of us have gone through the shock and pain of grief, and it's not easy ever. I didn't go for bereavement counselling myself, nor take any meds, and I had a breakdown some months after. So I speak from experience, although not quite the same circumstances as yours.

Please reach out for help honey, and take it..

((hugs))

[Pet59]

Thank you for the replies. Some days I am ok, some days I have complete fear. Last night, I woke in the middle of the night and my heart was racing. I'm wondering was this a panic attack or it just occurred to me today, is it a result of my mad dreams and in my dreams I am afraid and therefore my heart rate goes up and then I waken myself??