Pet59
13-11-13, 06:50
Hi All,
I am new to this forum although have been watching and reading for the past few weeks. In brief (although not sure how brief!)
I am 35 years old, am an expat in the Middle East. My husband (then boyf of 8 years) moved here in 2010 and I travelled back and forth to see him. In 2011 I moved here, started a new job. In April 2012 we got married. In May 2013 he was killed in a road accident. He was a passenger and his driver lost control.
This has now started an ongoing chain of events.
My HA which I have had since my mid teens but has come and gone at different times has now reached an all time high. I think about death and dying all the time and it scares me so so much. I must stress that I do NOT have suicidal thoughts at all. I get a headache, and its a brain tumour, a numb cheek, at best its Bells Palsy, at worst its a stroke, I continually poke and prod myself looking for lumps and bumps. My blood pressure it high and I have a high resting heart rate. My doctor gave me beta blockers and I havent taken them, incase they slow my heart too much and it stops!! Sounds so so silly I know, but all very real in my head. I have started to go out and after drinking alcohol, my heart rate is flying so much so it wakens me in the middle of the night and I think I am having a heart attack.
I think about my husband the whole time. The repatiation process took a long time (although shorter than the 8-12 weeks that was first anticipated) and it meant that I was unable to see my husband and say goodbye to him properly. Once at home, I was insistent to the undertakers that I wanted to see him and they sat me down and described in great detail the extent of his injuries in a bid to deter me and I also received pistures of the accident scene and in two of them my husband can be seen. I eventually agreed with them.
My husband had been working temporarily in another gulf country at the time. I had left him to the airport on 12 May and he told me how much he loved me and always would and said he wasnt coming back. I asked him what he meant as it would not be unusal for his visa to be extended and his trips abroad be longer than first anticipated. He said "no i am not coming back alive. this job is going to kill me". I told him not to be silly and he said "no i have a really bad feeling about this. Something is going to happen and I am not coming back alive". He threw his bag over his shoulder and waved and said "il see you on 10th june....hopefully" I didnt see him again.
He called me literally 2 minutes before the accident, complained that the driver was speeding, said he was 5 minutes away from site and how he only had 2 weeks left until he was home again. 14.50 I received a call to return to my place of work where the news was broken to me.
Ive had nightmares, I think about him all the time, I dream about him, I can "hear" him, my dreams in general about other things are mental. I had a whole drama because I dreamt in July time that I died on 19th August. 19th August was not a good day for me.
I went to the doc and he did my bloods and told me I was eating and drinking too well and I needed to lose weight (another ongoing battle). Im not VERY overweight but yes, maybe 2 and a half stone needs to go. He wanted to put me on antidepressants but I said no. I dont know an awful lot about them to be honest however in my mind, how do I ever come off them again?? If I take the and feel great, what happens when I stop and then it all comes crashing down again....maybe Im wrong.
People have been very good and suportive but I know that evetually they will get sick of me moaning about my health issues...health issues that I dont even have.
Married at 33, widowed at 34, just spent my first birthday last month as a widow, Christmas is coming up, New Year, my husbands birthday and then what would have been our 2nd wedding anniversary.
I think Im a bit lost.
---------- Post added at 06:50 ---------- Previous post was at 06:41 ----------
I would also like to add that often I feel like Im not really here and on waking most mornings, I feel like I have to check that Im alive and not dead....does that even make any sense at all????
I am new to this forum although have been watching and reading for the past few weeks. In brief (although not sure how brief!)
I am 35 years old, am an expat in the Middle East. My husband (then boyf of 8 years) moved here in 2010 and I travelled back and forth to see him. In 2011 I moved here, started a new job. In April 2012 we got married. In May 2013 he was killed in a road accident. He was a passenger and his driver lost control.
This has now started an ongoing chain of events.
My HA which I have had since my mid teens but has come and gone at different times has now reached an all time high. I think about death and dying all the time and it scares me so so much. I must stress that I do NOT have suicidal thoughts at all. I get a headache, and its a brain tumour, a numb cheek, at best its Bells Palsy, at worst its a stroke, I continually poke and prod myself looking for lumps and bumps. My blood pressure it high and I have a high resting heart rate. My doctor gave me beta blockers and I havent taken them, incase they slow my heart too much and it stops!! Sounds so so silly I know, but all very real in my head. I have started to go out and after drinking alcohol, my heart rate is flying so much so it wakens me in the middle of the night and I think I am having a heart attack.
I think about my husband the whole time. The repatiation process took a long time (although shorter than the 8-12 weeks that was first anticipated) and it meant that I was unable to see my husband and say goodbye to him properly. Once at home, I was insistent to the undertakers that I wanted to see him and they sat me down and described in great detail the extent of his injuries in a bid to deter me and I also received pistures of the accident scene and in two of them my husband can be seen. I eventually agreed with them.
My husband had been working temporarily in another gulf country at the time. I had left him to the airport on 12 May and he told me how much he loved me and always would and said he wasnt coming back. I asked him what he meant as it would not be unusal for his visa to be extended and his trips abroad be longer than first anticipated. He said "no i am not coming back alive. this job is going to kill me". I told him not to be silly and he said "no i have a really bad feeling about this. Something is going to happen and I am not coming back alive". He threw his bag over his shoulder and waved and said "il see you on 10th june....hopefully" I didnt see him again.
He called me literally 2 minutes before the accident, complained that the driver was speeding, said he was 5 minutes away from site and how he only had 2 weeks left until he was home again. 14.50 I received a call to return to my place of work where the news was broken to me.
Ive had nightmares, I think about him all the time, I dream about him, I can "hear" him, my dreams in general about other things are mental. I had a whole drama because I dreamt in July time that I died on 19th August. 19th August was not a good day for me.
I went to the doc and he did my bloods and told me I was eating and drinking too well and I needed to lose weight (another ongoing battle). Im not VERY overweight but yes, maybe 2 and a half stone needs to go. He wanted to put me on antidepressants but I said no. I dont know an awful lot about them to be honest however in my mind, how do I ever come off them again?? If I take the and feel great, what happens when I stop and then it all comes crashing down again....maybe Im wrong.
People have been very good and suportive but I know that evetually they will get sick of me moaning about my health issues...health issues that I dont even have.
Married at 33, widowed at 34, just spent my first birthday last month as a widow, Christmas is coming up, New Year, my husbands birthday and then what would have been our 2nd wedding anniversary.
I think Im a bit lost.
---------- Post added at 06:50 ---------- Previous post was at 06:41 ----------
I would also like to add that often I feel like Im not really here and on waking most mornings, I feel like I have to check that Im alive and not dead....does that even make any sense at all????