phil6
13-11-13, 16:24
Hi all,
I had an excellent day yesterday. No anxiety, and feeling like the world is okay. Don't really know what I was worried about and not understanding why I can't cope with anxiety when it comes because it's all a bluff and it doesn't mean anything. That's the way it is when I feel good! No problem!
Today started well, but by lunchtime I was slowly feeling the return of anxiety. Starting with the old churning stomach, followed by the little doubts in my thinking.
Now I know that the urge to try and work this out, to try and change the way I'm feeling, to try and hold on to the good thoughts, none of the strategies really work. In fact I think that's the problem. But still the thoughts and feelings are very difficult to cope with. The bottom line is when the anxiety starts to become intense I do get scared, and I do succumb to the struggle to get back to feeling good.
Now I'm not stupid, I know this is a mistake even when I feel anxious. But I am writing this while feeling anxious because I still absolutely need some kind of reassurance.
When feeling well like yesterday I write myself little notes. I state that this will pass, I state that I am getting better. I tell myself that this is part of the journey of recovery.
Unfortunately none of this works. I read my little notes and they seem meaningless now.
I can carry on through this, I can do ordinary things, but it just feels like crap and I cannot reassure myself that I doing OK.
Is this why acceptance is so difficult? I decided yesterday that if I felt bad again today that I wouldn't read about it, I wouldn't post on this site about it, I would just ride out the storm. Do nothing! But here I am.
I am still not sure whether I am really accepting this. That's the cycle of thoughts that I get back into. What am I doing wrong, what's wrong with me, I can't do this etc. Then the depression sets in and I want to bawl.
Today I'm not going to do that. Today I am going to wait for the symptoms to calm down and hopefully think straight again. This actually has a slightly positive effect on my mood ( but not for long). Maybe this is acceptance and maybe I have to do this many times before I stop fearing it. It ain't nice and that's a fact. It also changes the way I think and that's a fact.
The hardest thing is thinking you can cope with it when you're feeling well and then failing to cope when the feelings come. Or maybe I am coping the best way I can.... Your thoughts?
Am I accepting... But just a bit of me still wants it to go away.
Someone said to me that the consequences of doing absolutely nothing about it is ZERO. I think he is right, but I still feel the need!
Phil
I had an excellent day yesterday. No anxiety, and feeling like the world is okay. Don't really know what I was worried about and not understanding why I can't cope with anxiety when it comes because it's all a bluff and it doesn't mean anything. That's the way it is when I feel good! No problem!
Today started well, but by lunchtime I was slowly feeling the return of anxiety. Starting with the old churning stomach, followed by the little doubts in my thinking.
Now I know that the urge to try and work this out, to try and change the way I'm feeling, to try and hold on to the good thoughts, none of the strategies really work. In fact I think that's the problem. But still the thoughts and feelings are very difficult to cope with. The bottom line is when the anxiety starts to become intense I do get scared, and I do succumb to the struggle to get back to feeling good.
Now I'm not stupid, I know this is a mistake even when I feel anxious. But I am writing this while feeling anxious because I still absolutely need some kind of reassurance.
When feeling well like yesterday I write myself little notes. I state that this will pass, I state that I am getting better. I tell myself that this is part of the journey of recovery.
Unfortunately none of this works. I read my little notes and they seem meaningless now.
I can carry on through this, I can do ordinary things, but it just feels like crap and I cannot reassure myself that I doing OK.
Is this why acceptance is so difficult? I decided yesterday that if I felt bad again today that I wouldn't read about it, I wouldn't post on this site about it, I would just ride out the storm. Do nothing! But here I am.
I am still not sure whether I am really accepting this. That's the cycle of thoughts that I get back into. What am I doing wrong, what's wrong with me, I can't do this etc. Then the depression sets in and I want to bawl.
Today I'm not going to do that. Today I am going to wait for the symptoms to calm down and hopefully think straight again. This actually has a slightly positive effect on my mood ( but not for long). Maybe this is acceptance and maybe I have to do this many times before I stop fearing it. It ain't nice and that's a fact. It also changes the way I think and that's a fact.
The hardest thing is thinking you can cope with it when you're feeling well and then failing to cope when the feelings come. Or maybe I am coping the best way I can.... Your thoughts?
Am I accepting... But just a bit of me still wants it to go away.
Someone said to me that the consequences of doing absolutely nothing about it is ZERO. I think he is right, but I still feel the need!
Phil