daddy issues

[T*]

Hi, im still very new to this site, and since coming here im begining to understand everything a lot better, I would like to thank you all.

I want to understand better why I get so nauseas and actually vomit sometimes when I see my dad.

My dad is an alcoholic and schitzophrenic, and I put a lot of blame on him fir an appauling childhood, I escaped it all at 14, and although I still saw him we never really had a relationship. In fact I hated him, he was everything I promised myself id never be.

In the last few years ive started to have an ok relationship with him, I feel mostly the effort is on my part, but I feel I understand him better, and while I despise every choice he ever made, I truly feel I understand why now. Our relationship has progressed and I feel like I actually miss him when I dont see him, which is something I never thought id feel. Unfortunetely, this was probably the wrong time to get close as hes very ill now (all self inflicted, but just as hurtful to me) .

I still keep my dad at arms length emotionally, I refuse to go back and revisit my childhood, and I also refuse to just sit and watch him die. I want to see him because I genuinely miss him (or miss the idea of him) but everytime I see him I feel so sick, ive been sick a few times while im there, and then I just panic and leave? Its only ever him , but I have no thoughts around him, just a blank mind. I want to understand it so that I can stop it. Thanks.

[shakey1961]

Hi. Gosh, that's a very powerful post. I would say you need to see you GP and explain to them how you are feeling.

I think you realise with your father's schizophrenia that he was/is a very ill man and the decisions he made, could have been made under the cloud of this illness. You said you at least have an understanding of why things happened.

You're being proactive in helping you dad now, which in the long run you will be able to look back and get some satisfaction with, knowing that you didn't sit back and not help. You still must have some love for him.

As for the sickness, maybe this will get less with time, but definitely see you GP.

I wish you well.

[Magic]

T*,
Good post from shakey, good advise.
Must be very difficult for you.
I have a relative I go to see who is quite ill and get terrible verbal abuse.
I take no notice and carry on.
I hope the sickness goes away, and you stay strong:hugs::hugs::hugs:

[T*]

I really dont want to go to gp, I will, im just not ready yet, I went there 21/2 years ago about everything, and they werent willing to give me anything but pills.

His schitzophrenia is under control now, but the drinking isnt, I think ive accepted that it will never change. Since having ocd and gad, I have more umderstanding of how powerful the mind is and how t can control your whole life if you let it, and so while I understand I cant forgive.

Unfortunetely he isnt going to get better, and I want to be there for him and support him, I just dont know if I can, and if I can, it may only be for selfish reasons, to know that I didnt give up on him .

Ive been thinking about it today, why I get the sickness, and I think its the smell of him, its not a bad smell, just his smell if that makes sense. That smell of him that takes me back to the place I dont wamt to go.cant go. When I get home I always take everythimg off and wash it and have a bath, spray enough air freshener to make you high, just amyth8ng until that smell is gone. I think im onto somethig here.

[shakey1961]

How mobile is your father? Can you take him out? For the want of being ignorant, does he know what's going on? And where does he live?

I'm thinking, would it be possible for him to change into fresh clean clothes and take him out for a few hours. Walk in the park, window shopping, journey out somewhere. Something to take his mind off things, get him occupied, then me may not feel the need to drink so much. While he's out you can put his clothes in to be washed. This would at least take away the smell from his clothes and you would possibly cheer him up to be out on a nice day. Even out on a cold day, wrapped up, would be nice.

Can you get some of your family (sorry I don't know if you have a partner or kids) or friends to go round to his accommodation and clean it up. This would lift all your spirits. You would also feel better that you've done something positive in both your lives.

And, if you're not happy with your GP, move to another practice. I did and it's cured me of my problems!

[T*]

Haha, I didnt mean he smells bad, I meant like the smell of his soap, perfumes, washing powder...just his smell...everyone has their own smell. I think.

He's fully able to do things by himself, his breathing is really bad, but he walks, talks like anyone else.
Hes been drinking everyday day since 1989 so excessive alcohol doesnt make him drunk like it would the average person, hes nearly perfectly normal, and goes about daily business. Sorry if I cofused you :)

[Hopeandlove]

were u sexually abused?

---------- Post added at 15:14 ---------- Previous post was at 15:12 ----------

From “The Language of Letting Go,” by Melody Beattie, this is an entry that touched my heart and I hope it speaks to you as well. I wanted to share this with the group.

Letting Go of Those Not in Recovery

We can go forward with our life and recoveries, even though someone we love is not yet recovering.

Picture a bridge. On one side of the bridge it is cold and dark. We stood there with others in the cold and darkness, doubled over in pain. Some of us developed an eating disorder to cope with the pain. Some drank; some used other drugs. Some of us lost control of our sexual behavior. Some of us obsessively focused on addicted people’s pain to distract us from our own pain. Many of us did both: we developed an addictive behavior, and distracted ourselves by focusing on other addicted people. We did not know there was a bridge. We thought we were trapped on a cliff.

Then, some of us got lucky. Our eyes opened, by the Grace of God, because it was time. We saw the bridge. People told us what was on the other side: warmth, light, and healing from our pain. We could barely glimpse or imagine this, but we decided to start the trek across the bridge anyway.

We tried to convince the people around us on the cliff that there was a bridge to a better place, but they wouldn’t listen. They couldn’t see it; they couldn’t believe. They were not ready for the journey. We decided to go alone, because we believed, and because people on the other side were cheering us onward. The closer we got to the other side, the more we could see, and feel, that what we had been promised was real. There was light, warmth, healing and love. The other side was a better place.

But now there is a bridge between us and those on the other side. Sometimes, we may be tempted to go back and drag them over with us, but it cannot be done. No one can be dragged or forced across the bridge. Each person must go at his or her own choice, when the time is right. Some will come; some will stay on the other side. The choice is not ours.

We can love them. We can wave to them. We can holler back and forth. We can cheer them on, as others have cheered and encouraged us. But we cannot make them come over with us.

If our time has come to cross the bridge, or if we have already crossed and are standing in the light and warmth, we do not have to feel guilty. It is where we were meant to be. We do not have to go back to the dark cliff because another’s time has not yet come.

The best thing we can do is stay in the light, because it reassures others that there is a better place. And if others ever do decide to cross the bridge, we will be there to cheer them on.

Today, I will move forward with my life, despite what others are doing or not doing. I will know it is my right to cross the bridge to a better life, even if I must leave others behind to do that. I will not feel guilty, I will not feel ashamed. I know that where I am now is a better place and where I’m meant to be.

[T*]

No I wasnt sexually abused.

That was really nice to read, describes everything im feeling, thankyou for that.x