Awkward Introductions...

[ARandomSparkle]

So glad I can introduce myself this way - I can barely talk to new people face to face anymore...

I am 23 years old and was diagnosed with depression around 2 and a half months ago. In reality, I look back and see depression in my life for a number of years. Shortly after I was diagnosed with depression, symptoms of anxiety kicked in, and now I am a mess.

I have been signed off work for 2 and a half months, I feel utterly useless being at home all day, but if I can barely leave the house to go to the shop, I cant fathom how I would cope working a 9 hour shift in my office. Going part time or working from home isn't an option unfortunately.

After being off work for 2 weeks, my friends and family made it very clear that I should go back to work - my GP didn't think so, but they weren't having any of that. Subsequently, I have told my family and friends I have returned to work. Now I feel awful for lying to them, but I also feel panicky that they will find out I have lied.

I am having CBT training, which isn't much help so far. I am takinf 15mg of mirtazapine daily, which is ok - ive settled quite well but it doesn't seem to be improving my symptoms at all. I am scared to discuss this with my doctor as I have tried fluoxetine and citalopram and both made me quite ill and worsened my depression, so I am scared to change my tablets - they might not be helping but they certainly aren't making me feel worse.

I live with my partner and feel like a huge burden. His EX was manic depressive and this had a bad effect on their relationship, and we had many discussions about depression before we got together, and I told him I wasn't crazy. Turns out I am, and I feel like I have really let him down. He clearly doesn't know what to say to me, or how to deal with my anxiety and depression. Ive offered to find help to help him understand but he doesn't seem to want to know.

I hate my life - I feel like such a failure and cant see it getting any better. I'm sorry to throw all this negative out there - I just really need some help. Any kind words or shared experiences would be greatly appreciated.

Peace and love to you all :blush:

[MrAndy]

Hello RandomSparkle
1st off you arent a failure at the moment you are simply ill,over time with some effort you will recover dont ever forget that.I was in hospital early this year and now about 1% off a full recovery ,so there is the evidence you can and will get better.
You will get good support off here ,stay positive and stay strong
good luck :)

[Annie0904]

You are not a failure and you are not crazy. like MrAndy says "you are ill" Since you are ill you need time to recover. You wouldn't be expected to work if there was something visible to show you were ill so you should not be expected to work with this kind of illness either.
Don't rush back to work too soon, take time to heal :hugs:

[blue moon]

Never call yourself a failure,or you hate your life,that is negative talk,I use to say things like that but only made me feel worse try and have some positive affirmations and repeat them,it worked for me.........Peace and love to you too?
Petra x:hugs:

[digta]

You are not a failure you are a brilliant strong person who wants to get well, you are Ill, if you had cancer people would be so different but, a mental illness still has so much stigma. You are you strong, because you want to get well. Be easy on yourself, realise that this is how you are now, it will get better, you will. :)

[Crossbones]

ARandomSparkle,

First off, I recommend that you ask your partner and family to read the book "Darkness Visible" by William Styron the author of "Sophie's Choice." The book describes his experience with Clinical Depression. His literary prowess allows him to describe the weirdness of Depression as accurately as I've ever seen.

I feel your pain because I have experienced 3 long bouts of Depression over my lifetime, none of which were situational in cause. I also suffer from GAD, which waxes and wanes in intensity. Anxiety sucks but it is nothing compared to Depression, but you already know that.

I hope that your pain will be shortlived, but remember no matter what your condition is not based on weak character or lack of will. Personally, it took a while for my Dr. (a neuropsychiatrist) to get my med cocktail right which sucks because you have to wait so long before you know it's working but ask your Dr. about Effexor. People write some awful things about it but it has been a lifesaver (no joke) for me. Press on and know that you are not alone in your experience.

[Hopeandlove]

hi are you on med? it takes a while to work and to find the right one then you will be much better! do you go to a counselor that helps alot!

[ARandomSparkle]

I would like to thank you all - these messages have touched my heart this morning. Thank you all for taking the time to help - hearing about others experiences help me remember that in not alone. I will be going back to see my doctor soon, to have a chat with him about my meds - maybe something does new changing x