Problems with acceptance?

[Butterfly22]

I seem to have problems accepting things and finding myself saying are you sure or asking the person again if they really mean what they said is this part of anxiety?

[har76]

Hi I would definitely say so. Part of anxiety is a need for reassurance even over things we are not always worried about. My husband got totally sick of me constantly asking him if he/we are ok. It's all part of it. I think we'd sometimes need to accept what we are told without question because most people would say if something was not Ok and when then don't it means it not that important either way -if that makes sense. Hope that helps

[Butterfly22]

It sounds very familiar, it is a reassurance thing, I'm often asking my other half if we are ok even though I know we are really. My other half recently said he is going to try electronic cigs and for some reason I keep saying are you really getting one? His smoking has provoked anxiety for me

[Tessar]

I found myself asking my partner if she was ok.... All it took was me to sense she wasn't ok or was rather quiet, I'd start thinking I'd done something ring, then would come repeated queries about "are you ok".... A few mins later "are you sure" ..... In the end I knew I was being a nuisance & learned I needed to ask once and then let it go. I suppose if she said she was ok, I had to believe it, but it isn't easy to let it go is it?

I don't know about you, but I believe the reason I sometimes do this is because historically I have been mislead by people and also I find it hard to accept people are ok. Growing up in a busy & frantic household it paid me to be aware of people's moods, feelings and so on but sometimes these days.... when I really just need to relax and forget about it, the habit of being hypervigilant continues. I am much better than I used to be though.

[NoPoet]

The stronger your anxiety symptoms, the harder it is to accept that they're just anxiety.

The harder a life event hits you, the harder it is to accept what's happened.

When Claire Weekes talks about acceptance, she does say a few times that acceptance isn't easy to achieve for most people and tends to come gradually. After all, the nature of anxiety is to be stuck in the flight response with your body believing there is some kind of imminent threat, even though the threat isn't really there and is just a construct of your anxiety.

When you start being able to say "Yeah I've been anxious, but you know what? It's time I started getting better", that's a good indication that you are starting to accept the situation. Acceptance in today's terms might be called "habituation" which is used in CBT to describe what happens when exposure therapy starts to permanently reduce the anxiety and distress a person feels when they confront their fears.

[Tanner40]

Poet said it all when he said that habituation and acceptance is similar. I, too, am working on acceptance. Some days it is easier than others. I find that the sooner I can let something go, the less the chance of my anxiety growing.

Acceptance is a work in progress. My head understands it at the moment, but I'm still trying to get my heart to follow suite. I work at it a little every day, as the opportunity arises. It does get easier.

[inCOGnito]

This is what I have come to realise about acceptance:

It can be very difficult to accept things because (a) we are naturally inclined to do the opposite. That is, retract, tense, deny, avoid, strike out, etc. Basically do everything to avoid experiencing something negative.

(b) We are conditioned to think and act in non-accepting ways.

(c) we expect acceptance to work straight away. So when it doesn't we get discouraged and slip back into non-acceptance

(d) we fool ourselves into thinking we are accepting when we are not. Saying that you accept something in your head means nothing if you don't accept it in your heart.

(e) we forget that acceptance can mean going through intense suffering with open arms and instead try to use it as a strategy to get rid of unwanted feelings.

(f) we often want to jump straight into acceptance because it will work, but aren't able to make the leap of faith required to fully accept and move without resistance. We try to move forward by moving sideways.

(g) we don't understand that we can't accept anything. It's not your choice. If we could accept these things we would do it easily and regularly when we want. It's not our conscious act to accept. We can only pave the way for acceptance. When the conditions are right, the subconscious will accept what is.

One way to help accept things is to find out what is actually genuinely the truth. EVEN IF YOU DON'T WANT IT TO BE TRUE. Acceptance isn't about finding what is nice and what you want to be true. It's about being honest and understanding that you have to accept the sugar as well as the shi t. In most cases you won't need to go outside of yourself for the truth, it will be inside, buried under your denial and avoidance strategies. Just ask yourself is whatever thought you have actually true.

"whatever you accept, you go beyond" - Tolle

[Butterfly22]

There are some really good points raised in this thread, yes if historically you have been misled by people it can have an affect, I am also hyper vigilant to peoples moods and feelings so can understand what has been said here.

[Rennie1989]

This was my massive problem (and still is). I spoke to my CBT therapist about this and she told me it is an OCD trait (not full blown OCD). What she taught me to do was an OCD experiment chart. You write down the task that you most often check (like the door is locked or the oven is off, for example) and note down how your anxiety rises and falls, scoring it from 1-10. Once you hit 3 or 4 hours the anxiety begins to drop and it's noticeable with the chart.

The only way to get over this is to simply NOT check. You start by only checking once, and then forcing yourself to not satisfy the urges of checking again. It's really hard at first, it will make your anxiety rise, but it's worth it when your urges begin to slowly disappear.

I completely understand how it feels. I work in the gambling industry and with strict laws and policies I am always checking customers if they are underaged, barred or fraudsters. It's very tiring!

[phil6]

Hi all,
This thread is interesting to read. I got up this morning feeling a little anxious but felt I was able to cope with it, I carried on until after lunch when the anxiety really started to build. With some of my family visiting I did feel rather worried that my anxiety was going to get the better of me and I have to say it did get rather intense although noone noticed. I seemed to be very determined to accept this, as it did feel that if I could manage to do this it may be a turning point. I find acceptance fleeting. For a minute or two you sort of accept, thinking this isn't too bad. Then you doubt yourself and you get a whoosh of adrenaline and the associated thoughts like I cannot stick this. As I write this I still feel rather anxious. It seems to be true that when you try to accept the symptoms do remain quite high for longer than normal. It is therefore rather difficult to maintain your acceptance. Is after the all perfectly reasonable to want the feelings to go away at some point. I know most of you will say that that's not the aim of acceptance, and I do understand this. But I think that's why most of the struggle with true acceptance. I will continue to try and not take this feeling too seriously. There is a spark within me that feels that this will work in the end. Like someone just said if it was easy we would all recover very quickly. The only comforting thought I can think at this time is that this will pass eventually. And I need to keep reminding myself that the symptoms continuing do not necessarily mean I'm not accepting.
Phil

---------- Post added at 17:11 ---------- Previous post was at 16:47 ----------

Having just read my own post above, I do realise that all of my efforts are actually aimed at getting rid of the physical feelings. I take some deep breaths, I relax my shoulders and stomach, I continually tell myself I will be ok and I have nothing to fear... Etc etc.
But the symptoms rage....
And here's the truth... That's not acceptance.
Yes by all means stay as relaxed as you can and breath... But I have to stop my efforts to change the way I am feeling. It's not nice but it is what it is.
The bottom line is I am anxious, but there is no reason to feel afraid of feeling this way.
Strangely enough that thought does have a positive effect on my mood.
Phil

[MrAndy]

as soon as i excepted i had a serious mental health problem and asked for help was the day i started my recovery.i got on with life and ignored the anxiety,it was very very difficult but gradually the anxiety lost its power.Asking for and accepting help is a stepping stone to helping yourself and getting back on your feet.