Anxiety is destroying me and my relationship

[busterkins]

Hi all...

My life has come to an absolute standstill and im so down all the time. Here is my story.

Im 25 years old and my girlfriend is 23. We have been together for 2 years and 2 months. My girlfriend is beautiful (im not just saying this, she really is) Her Dad is kind of famous (z list) and everyone knows who she is and wants her in their life, constanly lads fancie her EVEN GIRLS DO I see myself as an average looking guy with a very friendly personality.

After 4 months of us being together she slept with her ex boyfriend, i found out 2 weeks after we moved into our rented house, as you can imagine i was heartbroken, it destroyed me. I look back now and believe the reason that it happened was because of my behavior. I question her all the time about everything, I think the worst in every situation, im paranoid she is always doing something she shouldn't be, even though after she cheated, she literally changed into what can only be described as "how i want her to be"
I have to know were she is, what she is doing, who said what, when she leaves work, when she gets home... I hate this about myself.

So.... when I know what she is doing etc im absolutely fine, but when i dont i suffer from anxiety. You know that feeling that you get in your stomach when you think you have lost your mobile phone, well i get that and it last till the second i find out whats what... anyway, as time has progressed, she has basically got sick of things, she resents me for how iv changed her and she can be really really nasty to me at times. I find myself on a baily basis doing the following things...

...Checking her facebook 20 times a day
...spending 75% of every waking minute thinking about her
...Walking past her work almost spying on her when i dont know whats going on
...questioning her about everything
...having 3 hours sleep a night
...eating less than a third of what i should be
...feeling trapped like theres no way out of this

Iv started counselling, which hasnt really helped, she is getting to breaking point i can see it, IM SO SCARED OF LOOSING HER through fear of her being happier without me...

please advise me and ask me any questions, i cant carry on like this
thank you

[Fishmanpa]

Gotta be honest here Busterkins, that just doesn't sound healthy at all. Obviously, your trust has been broken and you're not at a place that you've healed.

I've been where you are and as hard as it was, it was best to go our separate ways. Sure, it hurt for a while but I got over it.

What really has me questioning is your fear of her being happier without you. Dude, c'mon now... if you're behaving the way you say you are, then that's a given.

Sorry to be so blunt but if I had a woman doing what you're doing to me?... The door wouldn't hit my butt on the way out the door!

There's some self esteem issues brewing here and you're doing the right thing by addressing them with therapy. Good luck and remember, all things happen for a reason and sometimes even with our best efforts, things are not always meant to be.

Good luck and positive thoughts

[Hopeandlove]

hi do you have ocd? on any meds? try to find a diff counsler it makes a huge diff when u find the right one

[T*]

Love can make you do some crazy things anyway, but you have to stop this or you will lose her.
It really cant have helped when she cheated, as that probably eoukd have confirmed your fears... but you chose to forgive her. You also say she became "how I want her to be"? You cant make someone how YOU want them to be, if you truly love them youll take them as they are, its up to them to evolve and grow throughout life.
This relationship os not doing you any good at the moment, youre not notmeating and sleeeping properly. You need to work on your confidence and just keep talkimg to your partner. Stop interorgating her and just talk. She obviously has great feelings for you too. Good luck x

[busterkins]

yes the councillor did say that he thinks I could hav a mild case of o.c.d which is triggering of my anxioty.
whan I say "how I want her to be" please dont misinterpritate what I mean..
she will text me where shes going and so on... but its recently getting more common in situations were we will
be texting back and fourth for an hour and a half then she will just stop.
then anxiety kicks in... and its there till in know whats what.

fishmanpa.

yes im absolutely petrefied of her leaving me because she could look bavk at me and think "thank god for that " or "what a loser".. the problem is i cant control my behaviour.

i need some help :(

---------- Post added at 08:41 ---------- Previous post was at 08:29 ----------

we had tears from me last night and she just shows no emotion. normally when your partner is crying you would want to comfort them... I had just picked her up and taking her home from her mums and in the car I started talking about how I want things to be good between us and I was being really thoughtful in why I was saying.

she fell asleep as I was telling her...

then we got to her house and she had "lost her keys" so she had to wake her grandad up which ment I had to hang around so he didnt know I was there (hes old and worrys alot so we dont stress him out)
so I wait patiantly in the car, then she rings me from inside saying I cant come in and I get frustrated with this it leads to an argument and tears and me going home not sleeping and now a full days work of me counting down the seconds till i can see her. she finishes at 3 and me at 6.... but im already coming up wiyh ways to get out earlier...
its just crazy... im so drained

[T*]

Im sorry but I dont think im misinterpreting it, it seems shes had to change the way she is and youre only ok with her as long as she answers all your questions and lets you know everything shes doing.
Im so sorry youre struggling so much right now, but you really do need to get this sorted.
It seems to me that your obsession is her, and your rituals are question and reassurance. It souns like ocd to me.
Have you spoken to your counselor about everything? Maybe you could suggest that she comes along with you aswell so that you both know how the other feels. ?

[busterkins]

T*

as much as I hate to admit it as this is a very stressful time for me... you are pretty much spot on
everything that you have said is almost exactly whats happening. my counsellor has has 2 sessions with me.
the first being finding out everything about me and then the second one was quite short, were I was informed that they think Ihave o.c.d
I wish I wasnt like this but I know that what im doing in my behaviour is wrong. they said it was good that I recognised this.
but what can I do?

[T*]

Its great that you recognise it!
I also have ocd, both intrusive thoughs and rituals, counting checking ect. But I feel its worse for you as your obsession is a person. Which means they are just as involved and plagued by it as you are. Im still working on my issyes and so the only advice I can give you is to try what ive been trying. Try to check less and less, and when you dont do that checking and get the anxiety, feel it and let it drift off by itself, try didtraction aswell, have a relaxing bath, read, watch something (if you can concenteate). I used to check the windows in rounds of 20 times (had to push/shake this amount of times 3 or 4 times) and ive just got it down to 14 and only twice, and nothing bad has happened! Make sure to tell her that youll be trying to do this and that youd appreciate it if she could recognise and congratulate you on your achievements sometimes. But most of all, you need to work on your confidence and self worth. You arent average and she isnt above you, we all have the ability to be great and achieve anything we put our minds to. Sorry to very long reply :)

[Fishmanpa]

what can I do?

I can only tell you what I did. Many years ago, I was subject to infidelity in a relationship. There is nothing that hurts more to the core of your soul than infidelity. I don't know of many relationships that recover from it.

I don't suffer from anxiety nor OCD but I certainly behaved that way after that happened. I got the apologies and such but no matter how hard I tried I couldn't trust her and deep down I never forgave her. I would panic when I didn't hear from her and assume the worst. I checked up on her and went so far as to install a tracking program on my computer to see what she was doing when I wasn't around. It was bad :(
It came to a point where I realized I couldn't go on that way and it was making her miserable as well. Sound familiar?

I ended it and it wasn't pretty but it was for the best and I was much better off in the long run. The general mistrust of women remained for several years afterwards. The real positive is you're young. You really need to heal from the hurt. I have a feeling if you remove the source of your angst, the OCD symptoms will diminish as well.

Positive thoughts

[busterkins]

firstly guys I would like to say how grateful I am that you are taking your time to try and help me and comfort me... its really helping me.

fishmanpa "sound familiar"

yes it does massivly... its just happened again right now. im in work as we speak and im typing on my phone shaking...

she told me she finished work at 3:00 so by 3:15 when I haven't heard anything my mind starts running wild, im physically gagging and saking. I wait and wait til 3:45 to when I simply cant take it any longer... I call her... no answer. .. I feel worse...
I give it 20 mins and call again... guess what... nothing so i go and take a seat and try to restore order... one of my very close friends lives next door to her work i call them to see if she is they, the kindly check for me and she isnt.. im in a state of panic and then out of the blue.... she calls me.. a huge undescribable sence of relife drains my body and within 30 seconds im fine
"you rang.... twice" she said slighltly miffed at me... i just wanna say... why couldnt you have text me wheb you finished just a simple message "hey finished work hope ur ok call me when you finish" id be in such a happy mood and it would of saved me three hours of anxioty... her getting annoyed and everything thats happening. i dont know how much longer i can do this...
im so sorry for droning on guy but u are comforting me t

[T*]

Im glad its helping you a bit.
Can I ask if you still live together?
Me and my partner text throughout the day, seenhow the days going ect, and what were doimg that night, but sometimes I dont text when ive finished, and sometimes he doesnt but thats ok. I feel secure in this relationship.
I think you needmto ask yourself if you feel secure and is the insecurity the reason its like thismor just the ocd. You mentioned earlier that she hadnt comforted you when you were crying, which isnt normal for someone you love. But, maybe shesnjust had enough, and just switched off. A long chat is in order. :)

[busterkins]

We had a rented place for 6 months in which she worked 20 hours a week and i didnt work at all (i had alot of money stashed to pay bills etc) so i was always around.
We then moved to my parents for 12 month in which i got a 20 hour a week job 6 - 10 at night in which she was always fast asleep at mine. (my brothers and parents were always here so never feared for anything...
Now she lives with her granddad and its all changed, i dont know were she is, what shes doing (well i do know but my mind wanders)

Do i feel secure... Not at all, im a very insecure person, i dont like it if people dont like me, iv been told this by a few people. I think she has had enough... what gets me is the fact that she is still here because if i felt HALF of what she says she feels id of been gone along time ago.

[T*]

Doesnt that tell you something? Thats shes stuck around I mean?
I think youll find that the less you check up on her/question her, the better it will get.
Ask yourself how you would feel if she was questioning you all the time, checking your facebook, making sure shes at work ect?
Are you on any meds?

[Col]

Hmmmm end it. Once your trust is broken - downward spiral. U obviously can not move on from what she did & thats absolutly understandable, so on that note, get rid.

[busterkins]

Im not on any medication its an absolute last resort...

we both went out for a drink with a few friends last night and got in around 12:00
she handed me her bag and went to the toilet...
approximatly 3 weeks ago i discovered that she had exchanged numbers with one of my male friends who i have known for years... why? god knows. they work together and had to move buildings for a week (the drive was a good 25 minutes each way her manager tild her that she had to drive ny friend there and back evertday so as im sure by now you can imagine im freaking out. then the random texting begins and I havnt stopped thinking about it now for ages... then las night when she wass on the toilet I had about 20 seconds with her phone and I went on it, went on messages and there was loads. she came out of the loo and I panicked and quickly put the phone back, however the last message that had been sent from her to him was "ahh that would be amazing" now this could mean anything. ... but iv have lay here tossing and turning all night wanting... needing to check for peace of mind... her battery is dead so I cant even look. I may just confront him about it as there both off work today... arghhh im drained of feeling this way

[Col]

This is really no good!

I nor anyone else can dictate to you & only u know the full extent of this problem but,
FACT - she's slept with another guy ! You're still with her SHE IS VERY LUCKY & mayBe while u may be seen as paranoid really.......... You've got every reason to be. Maybe your guts telling U something ?

I'd personally end this because this is going to drive you to despair & desperation. U may end up looking like an idiot if u start confronting your own friends over something thats innocent ALL because she's cheated & utterly broken your trust! And the knock on effect is - your now doubting your friends.

I'd end this now, I'm soooo sorry but that's my honest opinion & I am really under no illusion that , it's that easy as just to end it. But from reading your thread weather shes up to stuff again or not......... You seem to have reached meltdown .

Take care

Ps Never blame your self for others behaving inappropriately. She might feel guilty & knows what it will do to u if she doesn't 'stick around'. care/love or guilt - I'm really not sure???

[busterkins]

Im starting to realise more and more what I think I have to do :( to be honest with you it would be such a relife of my shoulders in one respect but I would probably experience the worst month of my life.

I would never start texting one of her girl mates, I think thats absolutely disgraceful...
and then my friend of ten years, what the hell is he playing at. If I take something away from this relationship it will be something that I didn't want to... the fear of never letting another women get close to me.
and I dont trust any males

[T*]

I text my partners friends, I dont see anything wrong with that, ive known them for as long as ive known my partner and we get on really well. Theyre my friends now too. I obviously dont know how things are in your life, but I can say that in a healthy relationship, it doesnt matter who theyre texting, or talking to. They love you!
My opinion is that you should end this relationship, for you.
Just do what you need to do either way :)

[Brunette]

I don't think this relationship is doing either of you any good at all.

[busterkins]

Well I have decided to sit her down and explain to her all my feelings, and basically give her an ultimation.
I love her and want to be with her but has it gone to far?

1. See what she says, if its not good news then accept and respect it, End things on a positive note and go our separate ways.

2. She may realise how bad things have got for me and she may try to support me. Theres not much more I can do to be fair

I have been and had a sit down talk with my mate as mentioned above and he has made me feel so much better and reasured me, (with proof) that im worrying over nothing, again,

[T*]

Give her an ultimatum about what?
Think its you that needs the ultimatum, you can either stay with her, trust her and stop all the checking, or you cant! Youve had proof from your friend that it was innocent.

[busterkins]

yes I guess your right. we are going away for the night on monday, Manchester Christmas markets, comedy store an evening meal, nice hotel and the imax.... im really looking forward to it but I guess maybe I should see it as make or break, something has to change. we went out last night and had a nice evening but the problem is always lurking