View Full Version : A major set back, possible psychosis. So angry with myself
Hi everyone,
I had one of my relapses last night but this time, it went further than anything I've ever experienced before.
The shoulder/arm/back pain that plagued me for 10 weeks but seemed to get better suddenly came back yesterday. Then I started thinking I was getting short of breath (I don't think I really was, I think I was just focusing on it) and yesterday evening I became certain I had lung cancer again. I was certain that I was going to die soon and leave my husband and baby.
I'm really really ashamed of this next part but I became what I can only call psychotic. I started hitting my arm, ripping at it with my nails and battering my shoulder as hard as I could while screaming. Thank god my baby was in bed but my poor husband had to restrain me because I genuinely wanted to rip my arm off. I was not in my normal mind at all. I felt like I was another person. I'm sick to my stomach with shame and exhausted now.
Today I am still bad. Not at the same level but still feeling like "something" is coming to get me. My therapist is on holiday so I've called my doctor - and discovered she is also on holiday. So one of the other doctors will call me back some time this afternoon. But I don't know what to say to him - "Please section me before I do something insane" seems the only thing.
Any advice on what to say to the doctor or how to get through this would be really appreciated. I'm terrified of having another episode like that. I've never been like that before.
Dang girl! Be careful!
Sorry to hear of the setback but I almost see it as a positive because you were angered by it. That tells me you were acutely aware of what was happening and not psychotic.
I know about psychosis because I went through it as a result of a severe reaction to steroids given to me during chemo. With psychosis you're unaware that your behavior is whacked. My "don't do it stupid" button got turned off and I was acting out what I thought on my head.
For ex: Driving back to Hope Lodge a BIG guy walked out in front of my truck not paying attention because he was too busy texting. I pulled over and was going to get out and beat his ass (I would have been creamed ~lol~). My gf stopped me thank goodness.
In the waiting room for chemo there was a guy sitting there crunching away on cheetos. It was driving me crazy! I came very close to grabbing the bag out of his hand and throwing it off... Fortunately, I got up and walked out of the waiting room in a huff to cool off.
Thing was, I didn't feel abnormal nor suspect anything was wrong. It felt normal to me. Apparently is wasn't normal to everyone else an when my chemo nurse saw me, she knew something wasn't right. A few questions to me and my gf and the psyche nurse was called in. I was in psychosis, taken off the steroids and given some meds to bring me down.
SO.... I would say you had a setback but not a major setback. You're aware of your behavior and know why it happened. The fact that you're angered by it tells me that you're in fight mode with your anxiety and while I'm not a psychologist, that sounds like a positive. I know with the beast I battled, I was in fight mode the entire time. I wasn;t going to let it take me that's for sure!
Hang in there ya hear? You're doing great!
Positive thoughts!
I am not going to write a monologue on here - will send you a message, but needless to say that you have been doing quite phenomenally lately, especially given that you have faced some genuine challenges in that time.
You and I have discussed before that the road to recovery is littered with potholes. Some of them just look a little more like canyons. This is your canyon, and you will be back to the funny, encouraging Katie that we all love so much!
Thinking of you xx
---------- Post added at 13:45 ---------- Previous post was at 13:43 ----------
Dang girl! Be careful!
Sorry to hear of the setback but I almost see it as a positive because you were angered by it. That tells me you were acutely aware of what was happening and not psychotic.
I know about psychosis because I went through it as a result of a severe reaction to steroids given to me during chemo. With psychosis you're unaware that your behavior is whacked. My "don't do it stupid" button got turned off and I was acting out what I thought on my head.
For ex: Driving back to Hope Lodge a BIG guy walked out in front of my truck not paying attention because he was too busy texting. I pulled over and was going to get out and beat his ass (I would have been creamed ~lol~). My gf stopped me thank goodness.
In the waiting room for chemo there was a guy sitting there crunching away on cheetos. It was driving me crazy! I came very close to grabbing the bag out of his hand and throwing it off... Fortunately, I got up and walked out of the waiting room in a huff to cool off.
Thing was, I didn't feel abnormal nor suspect anything was wrong. It felt normal to me. Apparently is wasn't normal to everyone else an when my chemo nurse saw me, she knew something wasn't right. A few questions to me and my gf and the psyche nurse was called in. I was in psychosis, taken off the steroids and given some meds to bring me down.
SO.... I would say you had a setback but not a major setback. You're aware of your behavior and know why it happened. The fact that you're angered by it tells me that you're in fight mode with your anxiety and while I'm not a psychologist, that sounds like a positive. I know with the beast I battled, I was in fight mode the entire time. I wasn;t going to let it take me that's for sure!
Hang in there ya hear? You're doing great!
Positive thoughts!
Everything he says!
Thank you guys.
CP I'll message you too hon.
Fishmanpa, thank you for sharing that. Your support is so appreciated.
What's worrying me the most is, that although it was aimed at myself, I was violent last night. I honestly think that had I had a sharp object near to hand, I would have used it on my shoulder. I know that I would never physically harm anyone else but God knows what sort of harm it did to my husband to see his wife like that. And I am afraid of having an episode like that when looking after my baby. He's only 8 months but still, he would surely realise that what I was doing was bad. And while I'm that "possessed" I wouldn't be giving him what he deserves - an attentive mother, not a screaming, hysterical, violent nut job
Oh Katie. I'm so sorry to hear you have had a slipback.
It sounds like a terrible, horrible escalation/domino effect from a very bad anxiety attack, and it must have been so scary for you.
One thing I will say is that you are one of the strongest, most resilient, rational and helpful members on here, and you must remember that and the fact that this is just a blip in your recovery.
Mental health issues can be a roller coaster. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt hun. I would bet that most of us here have had times when we rise above it and then times when we fall again, but please, please be reassured that you are going to rise again as you have done before.
I would just explain in full exactly what occurred, and also that this is not something that you have experienced before.
If you need a chat, please PM me anytime hun.xxx:hugs::hugs::bighug1:
Kate the others are right, this was a setback but not a major one - look at you today, able to look at it rationally and see it for what it was. Another time it might have sent you into an anxious state for a long time, but you're working past it this time and that's huge progress. Recovery is not linear, you'll have bad days, just keep working with them and come talk to us when you're feeling bad.
There is a great technique called Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) that is quick and simple to use to cut off panic attacks before they happen. Since I learned this technique I haven't had a full panic attack, I'm always able to stop it when I realise what's happening and just get to work with the EFT.
It's a simple tapping technique that has you tapping on different parts of your body as you focus on how you're feeling. Sounds weird, and I suppose it is weird, but it's worked so well for me that I don't question it.
There are lots of videos on YouTube that teach it for free, I don't have a specific one in mind but it might be a good idea to browse through them and find one that you like.
Once you've learned it you can start tapping whenever you feel a panic coming on and hopefully it will stop you from reaching a manic stage.
You can also use EFT to work through different problems, issues, even health problems. I'm reading a book about it at the moment called The Tapping Solution, it explains how to use it in many aspects of your life and it's really interesting. I often use it to help bring down the levels of pain I feel from my jaw & neck, and oddly it works! Maybe it's placebo, but I don't care lol
Anyway, don't be so hard on yourself. You had a panic attack and that's OK, you haven't let it drag you back down again which is the important part here. I know you feel a bit weird today, but that's normal after a panic. Maybe do some meditation or a guided relaxation from YouTube to help you relax a bit.
Feel better very soon x
Thank you debs. You're such a beautiful and kind soul. Coming here to help me after I so rudely (I just realised!) forgot to answer your last PM! (sorry babe, really have been a bit out of it the last few days)
Thank you for the great response honeylove, I'll look in to that for sure.
In the meantime I'm going to just be honest with the doctor. I sort of wish I could get myself sectioned still, I really scared myself last night. And my arm and shoulder really bloody hurts because of my handiwork. I've never had anything that felt at all like that before. I've freaked out on occasion and thought they were panic attacks but that was a whole new level of crazy and I can't believe I was selfish enough to behave that way.
What a shame Katesa I do hope you can get back on track soon Simi
Coming here to help me after I so rudely (I just realised!) forgot to answer your last PM! (sorry babe, really have been a bit out of it the last few days)
Oh blimey, don't you worry at ALL about that, Katie! You have more than enough on your plate to be dealing with.xxx:hugs::hugs:
Thank you very much Simi.
Thanks again everyone. The doctor called me back and she was lovely. She offered to see me now but when I prodded I found out that that would mean cancelling somebody else so I said it was ok. I'm going to see her tomorrow and she's advised me to go to the hospital if I feel anything like as bad again in the meantime - that she would put a note on my file indicating she has told me this and a bit about my background so that I can get help there if I need it.
I'm still thinking I have lung cancer but I'm not thinking about it in the same way right now. I'm thinking more that something, anything is going to "get" me and that lung cancer is just the thing I'm pinning that on at the moment.
My biggest concern is just not sinking that low again. It breaks my heart to remember the fear in my husbands eyes last night.
Katie - all the useful stuff's been said already so I'll try not to repeat my fellow NMP'ers ... WELCOME TO THE CRAZY GANG WHOOOOOOOP!!!
Honestly, it's all good. You had a blow out.
Listen girlfriend (between you and me) I recently spent a week crying under the duvet, refusing to eat or get up. If I could have I'd have wrapped pampers around my arse :)
Get thee well. You're doing ok. You're going the right way. And I also like the fact that you hit up your health care crew. Good move that :D
katie sorry to hear youve had a bad moment but please dont ask to be sectioned ive been there and its not pretty.youve done the logical thing and contacted your doctor,i had a very similar episode and it was just anxiety at its worst
hopefully you will better tomorrow :hugs:
Thanks Andria sweetie. God you make me laugh - in a slightly tragic way, but still laugh!
Thank you MrAndy I'm sorry you went through that. I don't think I need to be sectioned it was a kneejerk reaction out of worry that I'd cause my loved ones pain. Thanks so much for your support
Katie, lovely to chat to you just now! Many more chats to come :) Hope you're feeling a bit better, keep getting that toblerone down you - I'm sure I read a study that says it's twice as effective as citalopram... (I may have made that up)
Katie, lovely to chat to you just now! Many more chats to come :) Hope you're feeling a bit better, keep getting that toblerone down you - I'm sure I read a study that says it's twice as effective as citalopram... (I may have made that up)
Yeah I think you misread - it was sangria not toblerone. ;-)
Cheers darling. God help the world when we eventually meet up - I think the universe will implode on itself! X
See, that's where you've been going wrong! Get the sangria and you'll be cured!
I like the thought of us having enough power to implode the universe... Not sure anyone else will though. X
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.5 Copyright © 2024 vBulletin Solutions Inc. All rights reserved.