Despairing again..

[phil6]

I know this is not going to be a good thread to start, but once again I find myself despairing while trying so hard to get better from anxiety.
I think I suffer from GAD, although 1 know what a panic attack feels like, and I do struggle in social settings.
I have done CBT, tried medication, and I'm currently starting a new CBT course which is 1-1.
I know only too well that I shouldn't struggle with my anxiety, or fight it, or try and change the way I feel. I know none of these strategies work.
I don't want people to believe that I'm a brave soul, because I do try and carry on and do normal things each day, and I am not saying that every day is as bad as today, but some days, and today is a good example, I just get so overwhelmed with the feelings of anxiety that I feel I cannot cope with it
I think I have a problem with exaggerating things, but today I was returning from a visit to the gym I did start to feel very very sorry for myself. I felt the need to rush home as I really didn't want to break down in public.
Then the despair really kicks in. I rarely take medication but took a Valium just to try and call down. This worked for a short while but within 2 to 3 hours I felt it wearing off and the despair returned and it was even higher.
I have taken the second Valium.
I thought I was doing so well over the past few days feeling anxiety but not reacting too badly to it. Even feeling quite well by the afternoon.
The problem I have is that now I feel like this was all a waste of time. The progress I made seems to have all vanished and I'm back at square one.
I know people will say there are good days and bad days but these bad days kick me in the teeth. I despair beyond belief. I cry, and I mean I really cry. It's hard to stop.
I read on the Internet and in books about acceptance, about how anxiety cannot do you any damage, but you do reach stages where you just want to give up..
I know even know that I will have to start again, as there is no other option.
But at the moment I don't know where I will get the strength to do this.
I have no idea why I cannot accept the anxiety. Negative thinking seems to kick in and completely defeats me.
There just doesn't seem to be a thought that I can cling onto when it gets this bad. It's not that the physical feelings are that bad for me, it is the associated dread. I can hardly describe it. What do I think I will achieve by running to bed?
I guess I'm posting this to look for some kind of encouragement.
I really don't have anything to fear outside of this feeling of anxiety.
I want to get better.
I understand when I am told to just let the feelings come, but if I am honest they still frighten the life out if me and any positive thoughts like...this will pass... Seem to get swamped.
Phil

[MrAndy]

hi phil sorry your down,maybe you shouldnt accept anxiety and chose to fight it,thats what i did and its worked for me.when i was in hospital i wouldnt come out my room ,a big burly nurse kicked my arse one day and told me to start fighting.that was the day i started to recover and one i will never forget.You will find the strength to carry on and you can and will get better,it wont be easy but it can be done
good luck ,take care :)

[phil6]

Thanks for the reply Andy.... Every book, therapist, advise on the Internet advises against fighting. Maybe what you call fighting is actually determination.
I know that if I could just stop fretting about how I feel, and stop my mind trying to come up with a solution, I will recover in time... Patience is another of my weaknesses.. I believe this because I have recovered in this way several times before in my life. It's just at the moment, even a small amount of adrenaline seems to set me off on a path of , why me , what should I do, thoughts an I feel like I cannot stop that downward spiral.
Also, Valium eases the distress, but when it wears off, the feeling of returning anxiety is horrible as it slowly increases in intensity.
I can recover, I must recover... I cannot fail as the consequences are a waiste of life.

[MrAndy]

phil i did fight i told anxiety to go shove itself and never let it stop me doing something i wanted to.the drugs helped a bit but being pig headed helped more
going for long walks and meditation also helped a lot,what i did stop doing was thinking about recovery.i decided if it took ten years then so what,maybe that was acceptance

[phil6]

MrAndy,
I think that is a pretty concise way of describing true acceptance.
I certainly will give that one a try...
As someone once said, you will never get better until you stop trying to get better.
What meditation are you doing...

[inCOGnito]

I understand when I am told to just let the feelings come, but if I am honest they still frighten the life out if me and any positive thoughts like...this will pass... Seem to get swamped.
Phil

Give yourself a break dude. You try hard. It takes a lot of strength and emotion to do what you are doing. Can't run a marathon every day. Have a rest.

I posted this in a thread recently, might be relevant.


This is what I have come to realise about acceptance:

It can be very difficult to accept things because (a) we are naturally inclined to do the opposite. That is, retract, tense, deny, avoid, strike out, etc. Basically do everything to avoid experiencing something negative.

(b) We are conditioned to think and act in non-accepting ways.

(c) we expect acceptance to work straight away. So when it doesn't we get discouraged and slip back into non-acceptance

(d) we fool ourselves into thinking we are accepting when we are not. Saying that you accept something in your head means nothing if you don't accept it in your heart.

(e) we forget that acceptance can mean going through intense suffering with open arms and instead try to use it as a strategy to get rid of unwanted feelings.

(f) we often want to jump straight into acceptance because it will work, but aren't able to make the leap of faith required to fully accept and move without resistance. We try to move forward by moving sideways.

(g) we don't understand that we can't accept anything. It's not your choice. If we could accept these things we would do it easily and regularly when we want. It's not our conscious act to accept. We can only pave the way for acceptance. When the conditions are right, the subconscious will accept what is.

One way to help accept things is to find out what is actually genuinely the truth. EVEN IF YOU DON'T WANT IT TO BE TRUE. Acceptance isn't about finding what is nice and what you want to be true. It's about being honest and understanding that you have to accept the sugar as well as the shi t. In most cases you won't need to go outside of yourself for the truth, it will be inside, buried under your denial and avoidance strategies. Just ask yourself is whatever thought you have actually true.

"whatever you accept, you go beyond" - Tolle

[phil6]

Thanks.... Yes accepting and then not accepting when I become impatient with little progress regarding the emotional pain is a big one I need to work on.
Also interested when you say acceptance is not something the conscious mind can do... I think I understand what that means. Our conscious mind says I want to accept but that is just a thought whereas acceptance is an attitude... A willingness. If you are really accepting then the conscious mind can think of other things. It doesn't need to take an active part in acceptance as I am pretty sure it will mess things up!
Phil

[MrAndy]

phil i bought some relaxation cds,sit in a dark cool room and relax.its hard when your anxious but over time works.I agree with incognito you are being to hard on yourself.I always stayed positive and always said o well tomorrows going to be a better day,cheesy but it works :)