intrusive thoughts

[ellie_C_mason1990]

hi everyone.
I have recently managed to come off citalopram, as I didn't want to be dependent on drugs anymore and was finding that Mindfulness cognitive therapy was working well for me and controlling my anxiety.

But over the last few weeks, I have moved between good days where I have such a clear head but also horrible days (especially beginning of the week when I am tired) where I have awful existential type intrusive thoughts constantly. I was brought up a Christian but recently lost my faith so it may also be me dealing with that as well. On these days I will be doing things but my head will not shut up, it will say "there's no point to anything, you are going to die, you might as well just die now", when I am having a nice time with someone I can't just enjoy it, my head says "enjoy it while you can cause you/or they will be dead soon" or just simply 'one day you won't exist' going round and round in my head.

I try mindfulness and tell myself not to listen to the thoughts, explain to myself that everyone has to find a way to live with this fear, but on really bad days it is impossible and I just have to go to bed and hope in the morning I feel better. I just wonder if anyone else ever has this? Would be comforting to hear if anyone does. Also if anyone has any advice on how to deal with loosing faith, existential worries- is it worth going back onto citalopram just to see if it will dampen these thoughts down a bit?
Many thanks if you can help. On these days I just feel like I'm living a nightmare and I want my life back :(

[Sparkle1984]

My main theme is existential anxiety too. When it's bad, the thoughts are very intrusive and I think about dying almost all the time. I was on cit for the first time from August last year to February this year and it worked very well - I had hardly any intrusive morbid thoughts at all. However, once I'd been off cit completely for a month, the thoughts came back and within a few weeks I was feeling so bad I had to start cit again.

Within a few weeks of restarting I was a lot better again. This time I won't rush to come off. Sometime next year I will ask to reduce to 10mg for a few months and then I'll decide what to do next, whether that's staying on 10mg, going back up to 20mg or coming off completely. I'll only come off completely if I think it's safe to do so.

It may be that some of us will always need to stay on meds, even if it's just a low maintenance dose. I'm not bothered about being dependent as long as I can have a decent quality of life. People with physical illnesses don't worry about being dependent on their meds, so why should we be?

Also I think the techniques such mindfulness take a lot of time and practice before they have maximum effect. I try to practise it daily. I'm also doing online therapy to try to learn more about the root causes of my anxiety and how to handle it better.

[neowallace]

Hi ellie_C_mason1990

Sorry to hear you are going through a difficult time. You are certainly not alone. I have daily intrusive thoughts similar to your own. These started around 2 years ago. When I am well they don't seem to bother me but when I am feeling down they are so frightening. I can identify with losing your faith as well, but I cannot help thinking something has got me this far. I am still here. Sorry I cannot give you answers I just wanted to tell you that your not alone. Sending you best wishes.

All the best....

[ellie_C_mason1990]

Thank you so much for your comments. It means a lot.

I came off the citalopram so slowly, lowering my dose very gradually since March so I thought I would be ok!
but yes seeing it as a physical problem, perhaps I am just one of those people who has to stay on a (hopefully) small dose just to balance everything out chemically.

hopefully tomorrow will be a clear headed day. it is good to hear that other people are in the same boat as you though :)

[Sparkle1984]

Yes I know it's frustrating to have a setback like this when you've spent months weaning off meds. I was really fed up when it happened to me as I truly thought I'd beaten my anxiety (I'd spent a long time learning coping techniques too) and then I felt like I was back to square one. I was originally on 10mg and weaned off over a period of 5 weeks. I thought that would be long enough considering I was on the lowest dose.This time around, 10mg didn't work for me so I had to go up to 20mg.

How long is it since your final dose?

[ellie_C_mason1990]

My final dose was 3 weeks ago, but the intrusive thoughts have begun since March time, when I started lowering my dose so I may be able to connect it to that.
Yes it is so annoying isn't it, you think you've got there and then you have to try all over again. Sigh!

What sort of things do you do when the thoughts hit? I just read on the internet a technique to face the fear by repeating a sentence and imagining your worst fears for about 5 mins a day. At first anxiety gets worse and there can be a massive physiological reaction (I tried for the first time yesterday and ended up weeping all day!) but eventually the emotional tone reduces! I am going to try this further as I am sick of the thoughts and will try anything even if it means going downhill for a few weeks.
Just need to remember many people get it, everyone has to find a way to deal with the fear.

[LisaLisa]

Hi I know what u mean I have those thoughts too. I think everyone does but what is missing for us is the perspective or the balancing effect of good feelings. I mean its true that meteor could hit earth but we all carry on planning and living anyway... I find on better days what I have is less concern about these horrible thoughts as in they are still there but dont seem the most interesting thing anymore so i think about something more fun .but on bad days im like.....omg this is so important how can I possibly do normal stuff when this horrible thought could actually happen!!!

lisa xx

[ellie_C_mason1990]

yes i know exactly what you mean! they are always there just some days i deal with them better, they aren't the most important thing etc.
i miss the time when i never had those days you know, but i suppose I'm under a lot of stress at the minute and a lot of change has happened.
i just feel like I'm living a nightmare :(

[Sparkle1984]

I plan to discuss these sorts of intrusive thoughts with my online therapist this week. Hopefully I can find a way of coping with them in the long term. Have you managed to get an appointment to see your doctor?

[ellie_C_mason1990]

If you feel comfortable sharing what you learn please do as I am at a wits end :(
I had a citalopram prescription left over so I put myself back to 10mg a day. I haven't arranged a doctors appointment as I'm not sure they could help as I already have had cbt!