Growing up with a HA suffering parent

[katesa]

My first memory of the seaside is of walking along the sea front at Chapel St Leonards, Skegness, carrying a crabbing net and a bucket. My cousin and I were looking forward to finding a spot on the beach, eating our packed lunch and then looking for crabs in the little rock pools left by the morning tide.

"Graham, does my breathing sound bad?"
"Are you sure? It feels bad!"
"How do YOU know I'm fine? I don't feel it!"
"I'm telling you I'm out of breath. There's something wrong!"

We didn't get to go crabbing that afternoon. My cousin, siblings and me all went back to the little static caravan we were renting for the week with my Grandparents while my Dad, the person who unwisely answered the questions above, took my Mum to hospital. Again.

I say "again" as if it is no big deal. And you know, it's not really - my Mum has never once been diagnosed with a serious health problem - but back then, it was a big deal. A very big deal.

As a child, my Mum was the highest power in the world to me. So when my Mum was certain that there was something wrong with her, it didn't matter that she had been certain a thousand times before. It just proved how wrong every one else had been. She was a nurse herself (and I was so proud of how beautiful and professional she looked in her dark blue uniform dress and crisp white hat) and frequently mentioned how often doctors and medical staff got things wrong. That she KNEW there was something wrong with her.

So every time she sat in tears and told my Dad that her arm and chest was hurting, every time she found a mole that she swore wasn't there before, I was sure that I was going to lose my Mum, that it was only a matter of time.

She was scared so much of the time - it affected holidays, Christmases, birthdays etc on a regular basis. Even when she wasn't at the doctors or in A & E, she was often distracted, her mind on the fears so real to her. She spent countless family days out in a world of her own.

She admits that she spent most of my first Nativity play (I was, I kid you not, the donkey) in the bathroom because she was trying to work out whether she was wheezing and couldn't hear with all us kids singing in the hall. Well, at least she came I guess - a lot of the parents in our area were too drunk or high to attend.

My siblings and I spent a lot of our childhoods afraid of what was going to happen to our Mother. She was so sure there was something wrong, how could we not believe her?

Don't get me wrong, she tried to hide the worst of it from us. But it was obvious regardless. And when she started projecting her fears on to us, taking us to the doctors 4 times a week over a cold......well, we started to fear for ourselves too.

My Mum was and is a wonderful parent in many ways. She was always kind, generous and could be a lot of fun. She baked us special cakes and helped us with our homework. She was also, unfortunately, a self obsessed hypochondriac.

Later on, I started to resent my Mother. Why had she never tried to battle her problems? (she still hasn't, though she represses them more now). Why did she never explained to us that she was suffering from a mental problem and chances were she wasn't going to drop dead? (Our Dad told us that but we didn't believe him!)

I now understand. And I became a self obsessed hypochondriac (among other anxiety issues) myself later.

I'm on the long road to recovery and I will probably relapse time and time again. But I want to be able to look my husband and my beautiful 8 month old son in the eye and know that I am doing all I can to prevent them living with the fear I lived with.

I don't want my son to learn to mistrust everything but his own misguided logic. I don't want my husband to spend a lifetime doing the reassurance dance with me. I don't want either of them to hear me say that I'm certain I am going to die of X Y or Z and worse, actually believe me. I want my attention to be fully on them, not on my own inner terrors. I don't want to give my son a book to "go and read quietly" when he's older because I'm too consumed with my health to play with him. God, I don't want my Mothers regrets.

I just wanted to share that - I think my psychotherapy is really unearthing a lot of things.

All the best to you all x

[cpe1978]

That is quite an incredible post, especially as you have an 8month loud and managed to post coherently at 1:17am!

Interesting insight into what many of us who are parents battle with..

[dally]

O. M. G
I am both the child AND the adult.
It is so sad to read, the emotions are exactly as mine were as a child. And are now.

My father died very young with a heart attack, and although my mothers HA got much worse after that, the fact he died, (and died so young), gave truth to the fact that there actually was a chance that she could die too.
And it frightened the life out of me. I was constantly scared that my mother would die!!

When i started with anxiety, and panic attacks, and after months and months, realised that I probably would NOT die, I did my abs utmost to try to keep my panic attacks from my kids.
I did put a burden on my husband to 'help' me do this.
By 'letting ' me go to my bedroom to shake n vomit n cry, till I got over each attack.
And he kept the children occupied etc.
But obv there were times when my husband was at work etc and the children 'saw' me in a state!
The guilt of that kills me.

My family has never had holidays, well never with me! their mum
They have been abroad with their dad twice and even then I was wracked with fear/terror of
Being 'ill' when they were away, and the guilt of not going with them.
Both my children however, have holidayd all over the world since.
But the guilt and total frustration of not having those times/memories is soul destroying!

We have one chance at this life and I have cowered in a corner with this condition for most of it.

I do not blame my mother.
I have read every scrap of information on anxiety in a hope for a 'cure'.
And I still cannot conclude if anxiety is a genetic, genetic predisposition or a learned condition.
If it was learned, then my mothers anxieties would've had a part to play in my outcome.

My children have achieved everything anxiety denied me so far, and for that I am so grateful.

I am now another generation forward, and am now crucified with guilt about ruining occasions for my grandchildren!!.

The one thing I take from your post is to give the children continuous reassurance that nothing 'bad' will happen, it is just a blip and that mum/gran will be completely ok very soon. Xx

[cpe1978]

Wow Dally, that post is phenomenally profound and an insight into why each and every one of us that suffers from an anxiety condition must gather the motivation to get through it.

Thank you for sharing your insight and I am sorry that you have had to endure so much.

[simi]

Some great posts Katesa and Dally, it seems a lot of people with H.A stems from childhood, I know mine does and that was a very long time ago I might add.We are getting some real positive posts on this forum, which will help everyone keep it up.Simi

[katesa]

Dally,

Thank you so much for sharing that. I felt your pain through the whole of your post and actually felt quite emotional at the end of it.

Thanks for posting guys. The fact is that even now I wouldn't have swapped my Mother for another, more "normal" one. She truly is and was a wonderful person. She just had this one problem that unfortunately affected us all - but mostly her.

[Tanner40]

Katesa and Dally, thank the both of you for sharing your stories. You have given me food for thought and the courage to share my own story.

I remember being six and seven years old, with a Mother that used to chase me and my baby brother around the living room floor on her hands and knees, laughing like Muttley the dog. Those were good times. Laughter and love, good emotions and a sense of normality. All that changed on my 8th birthday. My baby brother came down with spinal meningitis and died on my birthday. He was 3 years old and I turned 8, all on the same day. Within a 12 hour time-span, the world seemed to stand still and nothing was ever normal again.

My Mother couldn't control my brother leaving this world, but she was determined that she could control me. One glass of milk a day only, two inches of bathwater measured by her, I had to eat the green beans, etc... I think you get the picture. My warm, funny Mother became a rigid, depressed, anxious and controlling woman. My Father began to drink heavily and life wasn't pretty.

I can distinctly remember that someone said that I must have brought the spinal meningitis home from school. He died on my birthday - it must have been all my fault. As only an 8 year old child can believe, the world revolved around me and it was all my fault.

I lost four years of my memories for the most part. Until I was 30 years old, I thought he died on my 12th birthday as I had no memories from 8-12 years of age. My brothers name was never ever mentioned in our house until I was in my twenties and I brought it up. It was as if he never existed.

Once I left home for college, my Mother had no one to control and for the next 30 years she lived under a cloud of depression and anxiety. I was the one who took her to therapy appointments and constantly bought her CBT type books and workbooks as my Father made fun of her and never understood.

The only time I never saw my Mother not afraid was the day she was diagnosed with lung cancer. From there on until her death, she was able to leave the depression and anxiety behind. For her, it was like there was nothing else to fear.

It's amazing how anxiety and depression have both genetic and learned roots. I, too, am thankful for the Mother I had. I only wish the circumstances could have been different.

I struggle with not having that " normal" family life. I struggle with wondering what could have been. I am determined not to live out my life in that fog of depression and anxiety.

[katesa]

Oh tanner thank you so much for sharing. I am genuinely humbled - I am so sorry that you went through all of that. I don't know what else to say except that you are amazing

[Tanner40]

We went through very similar types of situations, Katesa. The lack of " normality" within a childhood doesn't have any rankings on whose was worse. It would just have been nice to be a child.

[Sar89]

Well katesa your post has really hit home on me... I can really identify myself in your mothers role and hearing how it has affected you had really got to me. I don't want my baby girl to feel like this about me I don't want to be the cause of any unhappiness from her or resentment and I REALLY don't want her to grow up like this. I think I have ruined her already she so much as sneezes now and she lisps come on mummy we need to go to the doctors :-( what have I done ! I can only hope to turn this around... I can't even blame my mum for being a self obsessed hypo because she's not that's me ... She's just plain old self obsessed lol. If I had one wish it would to be normal and my daughter to grow up normal aswell xx

[katesa]

Tanner

There may not be rankings but there are certainly stories that put ones own expeiences in perspective. You and dally are two such examples. Thank you so much for sharing something so deeply personal.

Sarah,

You have NOT ruined your daughter hon. Please do not beat yourself up! All I would suggest is reassuring your daughter as she gets older - tell her what the deal is, be open that your fears are part of an anxiety disorder and don't mean she or you are actually (physically) ill. I'm sure you are a wonderful mother and I'm sorry that my post has been upsetting for you. xx

[squeak]

I don't post much here but do lurk now and then. Had to comment as I just read your post and it made me cry. I didn't have a parent with HA, but I am one, and being a nurse myself I can identify with your mum. My health anxiety only started when I had my children, through fear of leaving them I suppose. But it is also my children who motivate me to beat it. The thought of them growing up with that fear like you did makes me feel terrible, and I am determined not to let it happen, yet I just spent 45 minutes on google (despite my HA being 100 times better than it used to be) when I could have spent that time helping with homework, etc. Thank you, you have just given me a huge kick up the bum x

[katesa]

Bless your heart squeak, thank you so much.

I totally understand - my own fears became much worse after having my son and marrying my husband. I think that having such love to live for makes us even more scared of death x

[Barnabas75]

Great post Kate.My heart is broken over the grief I gave my mom.As a kid I did not fully understand it.I have a much greater appreciation for mothers now.It took to long but better late than never..If one is not carefull it can push the kid away and they can become withdrawn.I have always loved my mom to bits.The thing to do now is keep on going and not give her reason to worry..cheers:flowers:

[katesa]

Beautiful point very well made Greg/Barnabas. Thank you x

[LE]

This is a wonderful post. I have tears in my eyes reading it because it's so powerful.

I have a 4 year old and an 8 month old and like you I don't want this to be them writing your story in years to come because their mum(me) didn't fight to recover.

I do everything I can to get and keep well. I finding reading a lot of motivational speaking stuff and listening to podcasts is helping me. Skippy if you read this I got the post cast ideas from your new book! Thank you it's a great read.