What other people think...........

[LickeyEndBlues]

Hi
I've been on this site about a month now and am really enjoying it. It gives escape but also gets you thinking and gives you the courage to talk about stuff.

One of my difficulties is I get really screwed up about what people might think of me. To the point of avoiding stuff. This did involve work, and involves pretty much all social situations; those with friends and those with complete strangers. Whilst I'm not agrophobic, I do avoid situations that take me outside my comfort zones.

I feel a big part of it is that I think people are judging me. That goes way way back, right into childhood and I don't know why. Some of it is about my performance in what I might be doing whether that is just interacting or something much bigger. Some of it is really stupid like say not going for a walk in the park on my own as people will question the fact that a single guy is wandering around!!!!!!

I know the cbt route will make me challenge these thoughts and make me see they are in the main irrelevant, but my big question is why?

Thanks for looking, I might use this thread as a bit of a "blog"

Iain

Laissez les bon temp roulez

[NPS_Paul]

As i've posted before i got so low, not going out that basically i didn't care what people thought any more! Honestly i felt, even in the safety of my mother's house, in my bedroom, that the world was going to come and get me and yes torture me and eventually kill me. I'd avoided for years, and when i tried it was too much, physical symptoms to real illness through stress.
Perhaps i was even lucky to hit rock bottom, because that's when recovery began. Before that life wasn't too bad! Playing the computer, writing computer programs, LBC radio (i lived in london) , reading, watching tv. My mother did the shopping etc. Kind of a life of leisure! After the stress of school, it was like a holiday for 8 years. Not really only sometimes obviously.

Without starting world war 3 on this post, like so many others, perhaps some sufferers have it too easy? A partner who works and brings in enough for the family. Friends to write or e mail to. A restricted but adequete social life when partner or children are around. Why face the genuine pain of facing the fear.
The above describes both me and a family member very close to me. She has it even easier with 10's of thousands in the bank. Even her close friends don't know how severe her problem is. But if i tell you she sends single items like a pint of milk, 2 minutes round the corner by taxi, we can all appreciate the avoidance there.
Perhaps there will be times when people think i wounder why he's walking alone. This happens more when we walk slowly, head down and look lacking in confidence. Try to put on a front - walk slightly quicker, head up and looking at things and think positively about why you are out walking. Doing it to NOT AVOID things, is very positive in its self and a valid reason! Love, Paul.

Love to all members

[heths]

Hi Iain,

I know what you mean, I'm the same. Just today when I went out for a walk there are workmen at the end of my street at the moment, and I felt so uncomfortable passing them, wondering if they will look at me and what they might be thinking.

I'm always wondering what people will be thinking of me. If I look different, if they can tell i'm nervous etc. And in the past I've avoided things. One of my relatives said to me recently, people are so wrapped up in what they are doing, they won't be thinking about what you're doing. I think she may be right.

I've always been like this and don't know why, but I'm starting to realise that the best way is to get out there and do things anyway and I'm having therapy too which is helping.

Hope this helps,

Heather x

[jill]

Hi Iain :D

**but my big question is why?** This is the million doller [?] you will find alot of people would love to find the answer to why they are suffering with this type of illness. People say about panic or anxiety, ohh it just came out of the blue, the thing is, it never come's out of the blue, it come's from somewhere, it's finding where, thats dame hard.

I could have written your thread myself, I see sooo much of what you have wriiten, in myself, working on it as I type because my problem even effects me posting replies on the forums :( low slef asteem and lack of confidance, learned behavour from childhood.


I have suffered all my life, never even give it a thought that I could fix thngs, just thought it was the way I was ment to be. :(

I am 42 now, I have 2 children and brought them up both the same way, you know teaching them at a young age to be confident. Now, my son went into his first day in school fine. Never had any problems at all, just normally kiddy stuff, but my daughter hit problems at age 3 going to nursery. Its a long story, so I will not go into that, but after 3 years of suffering with vomiting, funny turns, as I used to call them and alot of other symtoms, alot went on in those 3 years. Brains scans, camra down her throat and alot of other test.

At age 6 we were finally told that she had been suffering panic's, anxiety, that it was in her makeup to be this way, she would have to learn to live with it or grow out of it. On the onset of her first panic. I know that everything after that was learned behavour ( avoidiing things )and YES, we as a family let her learn them, we never new any better. All we seen was a child vomitting all the time and having funny turns. It still hurts sometimes to talk about this because she missed out on sooo much, BUT and its a big BUT, the past is the past and I cannot change that, learn form it and move on. My daughter is 13 now and doing very, well, she did have a blip this year, long story, will not go into that, BUT she is now dong very well now [^]:D I'm soo proud her :D

As for me, I never gave it a thought that the way I felt was in anyway the same as my daughters, her symtpoms were sooo trumatic at times, were as mine, mmm, find it hard to explaine, I just never thought I had a similer thing, hope you know what I mean.

I hit full blown panic a few years ago, I was living in fear 24/7, thats when I found this site [^]:D long story. Not had a pa in a long time. I have this site to thank for that [^]:D just still got my learned behavour, which is going to take time to fix, after all I'm changing a habit of a lifetime here.

Back to your question, WHY?

I can only answer for myself and my daughter and say what I have found or what I believe to be true.This is not just my oppion but the oppinon of my daughters therapists, yes therapists, on the last blip we seen four therapist all at once, long storie.

I always found it hard to explane when people ask why my daughter suffered but I read the trancritped for chat, Laurance and he explaned it well [^]:D He said...

"You are a computer, your hardrive is fine but you software is currupt. People become fixated that they are broken and therefore they can't get past that point.

When I read this my thoughts were, ohh that was me before my panic, thinking that this is the way I'm ment to be and can't fix it, but after joining this site and reading all the great information and the great threads on this site I new I could fix my problem, not just the paic but my other problems too, with alot of dame hard work and lots of time.

Now, as for my daughter, before the age of 3 we never new that her software was currupt. The bit that was currupt was the coping skills to deal with the outside word. Yes, before the age of 3 she would go anywhere with anbody, she seemed soo confident, she would stay over in people houses. I still think to this day and wonder that if I was in full time work and put her in a nursery very very young, would she have devoleped this???? but again, the

[trac67]

Hi Iain,

I think it is all about learning to like yourself just the way you are, then maybe we wouldnt be so worried about what other people think of us.

As Jill says when we have thought a certain way for such a long time, then it is so very hard to change that, but CBT can help you with that, and apart from learning to like ourselves we also have to learn to believe in ourselves too, then I think we can overcome anything.

Paul,

<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote"> Without starting world war 3 on this post, like so many others, perhaps some sufferers have it too easy? A partner who works and brings in enough for the family. Friends to write or e mail to. A restricted but adequete social life when partner or children are around. Why face the genuine pain of facing the fear.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">

I don't think it can be called easy having to rely on others to do the most simple of things for you, easy is walking out the front door without a second thought, it has to be one of the hardest things admitting you are too scared to do the everyday things others do with such ease.

Love

Trac xx






'Live your life with arms wide open, today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten'

[Piglet]

Trac I so agree hun - it's the admitting you have a problem in the first place that is soooooo hard. Which is why we come up with so many ridiculous reasons why we can't do such a such, cos we don't want people to know. The reason for this must be down to caring too much how others will judge us for it.

I recently had a conversation with my ex and told him how things were and regretted it instantly, as the condescending pity in his voice was just awful. It made me feel as though all the very capable parts of me just didn't count anymore. He totally wrote me off! [}:)] In some ways the anger I felt (after I had cried my head off first) made me look at myself again and realise just how many strengths I did actually have. Which is a very positive exercise.

I think for me I do not want a label on me and some people unfortunately do do this. On the plus side there are quite a few other people I have told who have been absolutely smashing.

Jill just wanted to add - top post mate!! Loved the analogy of the corrupt software, perhaps I should stop putting pringles in my hardware as they are blocking up the slots for the correct software to go in!! :D:D:D:D

Love Piglet xx

"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.

[Insomniac]

Hi Iain

What a great thread. I know exactly what you mean about walking in the park. I always feel paranoid that people are looking at me, and laughing at me.

What I find helps me is pretending to feel confident, walking with my head up makes me feel better. Then you are less likely to attract attention than someone walking like they would rather not be noticed. The more I pretend to be confident I almost fool myself (however briefly). Also good posture helps with your breathing and relaxation.

Also, yes this place certainly does get you thinking, and is a great place for honesty and support.[8D]


Lisa.

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

[mirry]

Thanks for the links Nigel, I belive it is all self esteem.
Since doing a self esteem class I have realised the messages we recieved from our parents are so important.

My mother has always said odd things to me which i can now pick up on so clearly as an adult, "what will people think" is a favourite of hers.....now can you imagine as a child I was probally thinking OMG what will people think ?

or "you stupid child youve spilt your milk "

it doesnt matter if its said in a friendly voice or not, its what is said.

This is probally why people say, "i had a good childhood" yet dont understand why they have low self esteem ? the parents could of said things in a kind voice yet it can still cause the same damage, chil;dren are so receptive of critism.

Unfortunately my mother critised everything i did/said or looked like....even today shes doing it to me and I am now distancing myself from her, my therapists told me its all about bounderies.
He explained that some people have boundries all over the place (like my mother ) and therefore will constantly over step the mark.

I hope ive helped add some light to this difficult subject and thank you so much for this interesting post :D


mirryx

[NPS_Paul]

I still don't feel normal walking down the road. I still think people are looking at me and sometimes they are! I look at them too. I still dislike the play ground collecting/ dropping off the children. In some ways i'm still living in fear. That we share. The only difference is i made myself go out, day after day, weeks, months passed, now years. I haven't not been out since i had severe Agoraphobia. In fact i find reason to go out if i have a day with nothing to do, admittedly with 5 children this is rare these days.
I go for a 10 minute walk round the square. I jump in the car and go to tesco or my mothers for coffee. It is only by ACTING/ DOING that the fear decreses.
In fact if i made myself not go out for 24 hours, then 2 days etc i reckon my fear would increase with every day! I could be agoraphobic again within a month or 2.
Is there no way i can convince people that facing their fear is the best way to decrease it? Love Paul.

Love to all members

[bearcrazy]

hiya iain,

seems we are very alike. my main problem is all about what will people think and will they like me, so much so i became a 'people pleaser' . i'd do anything to be accepted, even at work. i even wanted the kids to like me. i'd offer to do things for colleagues so that they'd like me, put everyone else first. i think it stems from childhood. my parents had some very old fashioned ideas. my dad used to call me pet names like 'pudding' cos i had a weight problem, and would make personal remarks about the way i looked.
sometimes i get anxious in the chat room if i feel people aren't talking to me, i think maybe they dont like me, and i wonder what they think about me. CBT is helping me to challenge these thoughts.
i am beginning to realise i have to like myself before others will like me, and accept that i am entitled the same repect as everyone else.

Here's to the future TC xxxx

[Coni]

Hi,

like many others I can totally relate to whats been said on this thread.

The big question for me is 'how do you learn to like yourself?' I keep searching for an answer to this but I never seem to find it....at least not something that will make me truly believe and feel in my heart that I am ok.

I can know all the right things in my head, but I dont 'feel' them (does this make any sense lol??)

I would like to feel ok about me, but I dont. I go through the motions every day, and I function ok at the moment, but that feeling that Im just no good seeps into every aspect of my life. I cant even bear to look at photos of myself (in fact I havent allowed anyone to take a photo of me for years...my kids find that odd I must admit lol!)

I'm now seeing a psychologist to try to get to the bottom of this, I'm tired of going round and round in circles and living like this, and I want to do my best to make sure my children dont go through the same things (though I may already be too late on that.)

Sorry if Ive rambled....I find it very interesting that so many of us feel the same.

Take care all

Coni X

[net]

my therapist is trying to help me with this problem. i hope she can cos its starting to affect how i am with friends i'm shutting myself off before they can reject me.

but trac how do you start liking yourself?

netty


the dreams of the future are better than the history of the past

[Coni]

Hi Nigel,

Once again such wise words....thank you for your post. I'm glad you understood what I meant...sometimes I think I'm not very clear.

I'm going to try tha hypnosis download...I never thought of it as being an ideal complement to consciously working on my thoughts...and yet now youve pointed it out it makes perfect sense.

Everything youve said is so true (of myself and many others I suspect)

Thank you for taking the time to respond.

Take care

Coni x

[keepemlaughing]

Lickey,
Believe it or not when we chat on the line, I have always pictured you as an intelligent, non-shy, very good advice giver. You come across as a very personable person who I for one have enjoyed talking to. I look forward to seeing you in the room!! YOu actually brighten MY day. So, my point: you never know what others are thinking of you. YOu may imagine all day long, and we do tend to negatise other's opinions. Keep your head up. I love ya
Sheryl

Sheryl

[Paddington]

Cant believe i missed this thread..oh the blessed relief to see i am in good company.I too am constantly thinking about what others think of me,and it is always bad and negative,i thought the egg man lady was laughing at me on saturday!I ask if i have something on my face ,all the time ..it must drive folk mad but i think people are staring and sniggering!My sister told me i was all ego ,that hurt so much so i have not mentioned my inner fears since incase i look egotistical.I have serious issues with self esteem and self perception,some say i am body dismorphic,i say i am funny lookin!!lol!!Oh i am glad i found you guys!Love mary rose.xxxxxxxxxx

we are all in the same boat and can guide each other ashore

[Coni]

Hi Mary Rose,
I remember my mum telling me to stop being so bigheaded and asking what made me think I was so special that anyone would want to look at me....believe me my self consciousness was in no way being bigheaded...like you I was gutted that anyone would think that.

so yes you're in good company lol!

love coni X

[scaredycat2001]

hi all,
i've only just caught up with this thread but it feels like home from home! coni, i had to smile when i read what your mum used to say as i still feel the sting now when i remember my mums sneared "do you honestly think anyone would want to look at you?" in mum's defence she didnt mean to be horrid, she just didnt realise there was a real problem.
anyway, i'll stop waffling!
will be keeping up with this thread now, i think it will be very useful to many of us here.
thanx you lot
scaredycat

[LickeyEndBlues]

Hi All,

I can't believe I haven't come back on this thread!! I did try to contact each of you to thank you for your contributions and as a result have left it!!

However............................

Without going into detail of what happened in NMP last night, as I feel the essense isn't to important, it lead me to searching this thread out and re reading it.

Cutting a long story short, there was a bit of a row last night resulting in a member being asked to leave the site. I have become friends with that member and do chat a lot, jest, tease, flirt etc. This is something in my nature and probably relates to my insecurities and feeling of being liked by others.

Since the ejection, I have spoken with some people in here and I am really concerned at what they think about that "relationship" and me as a person by assosciation. I have tried to clarify my position and have spoken again with the individuals concerned but here I am 12 hours or so later still worrying about other peoples perceptions.

Iain

What's so funny about peace, love and understanding?

[LickeyEndBlues]

Spacecadet.....we have spoken about this situation in PM and chat, hopefully the "shallow" perception has been addressed in your mind,

Not sure if this is shallow, but this thread is about me and what people think of me and my feelings on that.

As a result of what happened the other night and the on going rumblings, I have found myself really thinking about what I say and to whom in terms of any validation it may have.

I am in here for myself, and within that I have had great support and it is in my nature to give that back.....oddly enough I like to be liked. I recognise that that doesn't happen with everyone but when a discourse starts it is not difficult to judge where it is going to go and whether or not it will develop.

Within this site we are all individuals and should be judged that way, not by association................sadly I feel judged by certain members who don't really know me......then again maybe it is my twisted thinking!!!!

Iain



What's so funny about peace, love and understanding?