thathorridgirl
29-11-13, 01:13
I get intrusive thoughts all the time and i cant help them and they make me feel like a horrible person or that somethings wrong with me or i have to do things a certain amount of times, double check things cause if i dont i feel like something might happen. idk but recently i was with my 12 year old cousin (male) sitting on the mattress in the living room and my nana was in the kitchen we were watching tv and he was playing his ds and i looked over at the game but i looked down and i accidentally looked down at the crouch of his pants he was wearing jeans any my mind was telling me look again (cause sometimes i have to look at things more than once and sometimes i can sometime control it but not all the time) i kept telling myself no im not gonna do it cause its weird? why would i look there again? but i ended up leaning over again, like i was going to look at his game and i kept glancing at the crotch of his pants a few times and then stared for like a second or two maybe it was a couple days ago so i dont remember how many times i looked or if i stared long? but why did i do that? cause i felt like i had to? but not sexually? i wasn't looking at it sexually just i dont know why i even had to look again? My head was just telling me to but i wish i could of been stronger and denied it but now i feel like a huge perv for looking at my 12 year old cousins crotch of his pants? Like you know when you sit down and the crotch of your pants bend a bit like fold over or something im not sure if im explaining that right but i told myself i was just looking at that and the stitching cause blue jeans with like yellow tan stitching? it just makes it stick out and there was more stitching there and idk im telling myself i was just looking at the folded over part and the stitching thing but like what if i was trying to look at his male part? which i dont think that even crossed my mind at the time but idk maybe it did? but i dont think i did but im doubting now cause im like what if? and like what if i was trying to look at his "male part"?? but i know i didnt get any sexual pleasure from that cause after im like wtf? why did i do that and im still thinking about it now, like whats wrong with me? why would i keep glancing there? like i feel so ****ed up for doing that and its bothering me cause of the what ifs and just ugh /: oh and im a 17 year old girl btw.. i feel so ****ed up... and bad about it... it keeps bothering me.. im trying to tell myself its nothing but its not working like my mind was like i HAD to do it cause i dunno it just felt like i HAD to..... help... am i a bad person? is there something wrong with me? and i have other things i wanna talk about like intrusive thoughts and more about pure ocd this is just something i felt like i needed to talk about.... and like get off my chest...