Freaked and need to get it out

[tissyis]

I'm having a major anxiety attack, can't stop crying, can't breath properly and need to get it out, feel so so so alone right now. So many things going on, I run a pub, really can't work with my boss and when he offered me the opportunity to buy the lease I said yes as I really have no other option, a daughter who is happy here, in the run up to her GCSE's so can't move her to another place, school etc. The contracts etc have just cone through which is freaking me. I've not made any real friends here, I thought i had until a regular customer lost it one night and started ranting, shouting and actually personally threatening me, now everybody is taking sides, the amount of ****stirring going on is incredible. There's only one person I can talk to, my boyfriend but he has his own stuff going on, he's getting on in age and is unwell anyway but particularly so tonight. I usually see him on a friday night but is too unwell to come out, that scares me, I don't want him to die. So i now feel guilty because I really needed to see him, even if just for hug. I've not seen him for a week and he lives just 2 minutes walk so that sets off the paranoia. I've had a cold for about 8 weeks now, and have got a major pain in my ribs in my left side. I'm sure is just pulled muscle from coughing but then somebody last night gave me a horror story about pleurisy. Even though I nhs directed it and isnt half as bad as she said....I'm still in so much physical pain when i move, cough, breathe. And then I'm worrying about my conversation i just had with my boyfriend on the phone as I can be very..i don't know...blunt? when I speak sometimes people take me the wrong way. I'm worrying about how I'm going to pay my staff wages and I'm sure my daughter just saw me cry. I've totally over-medicated today, diclofenac for pain, diazepam for anxiety and then alcohol because it's literally on tap. My sisters baby is overdue but because of my mental problems my family don't want to know me so I will have to find out through facebook of all things whether everything is ok, I do care about my sisters but through abuse in childhood I have to keep my distance. Sorry, I know it's trivial but thankyou for listening (reading) x

[cls1033]

the way people are treating you is bs .if they are not worried about you then don't worry about them. they need to do their home work on GAD before they judge you. anxiety is not a mental health problem it is more of a sensitivity problem. we spend more time thinking about what if then anything else. as we think more about these sensations the more we worry about whats wrong and that sets off the panic attack. it is the fight or flight syndrome that does this. people who don't live with anxiety don't understand this. they get that feeling when they are in danger we get it sitting on the couch. you mind tells you that you are in danger by going outside and it sets of the fight or flight then you start to panic because you are really in no danger at all.

sorry this was so long but does it make sense. if not look up fight or flight it will answer a lot of questions.

good luck.

chris

[tissyis]

Thank you Chris, for taking the time to read my ramblings :)

[cjemc]

Where about's is your pub? Are you in a stressful area? Why don't you sell it if its making you so unhappy and move on to another career?

[tissyis]

Calumco. Thankyou for your question. It's not actually a stressful area. Is a quiet rural village with a huge sense of community. I can't sell yet as I don't actually own it yet. I can't move so easily as I need to get a home and a job at the same time. I can't just rent somewhere to live as I don't have the means to do so, deposit etc. I'm also loath to just up sticks because of my dauighter and the stage she is at in education/life. I admit, a lot ofmy anxieties stem from my abusive and totally messed up childhood. As it stands I have, somehow, miraculously, raised 2 happy stable children and I will deal with what I have to to maintain that. I can deal with what is in my life, and that is what draws me to this site, I feel I can say what I need to which gives me the means to go on. Don't we all need a voice sometimes?..even if we know it isn't going to change things it can give us strength to go a little bit more...

[cls1033]

Thank you Chris, for taking the time to read my ramblings :)

no problem that's why we are here. with out each other who else will support us