just got engaged and suffer from really bad rocd

[worried 101]

Hey guys.
Ive written on here a few times about my struggles with rocd and how ot sent me over the edge a little while ago.
Well i got alot better,not great but improving.now my lovely bf or should i say fiance asked me to marry him yesterday and i said yes.we have been together for four years and i love him so much,but ofcourse the old rocd is already kicking in.i am an extreme worrier and straight away the little voice in my head starts telling me horrible things like,you wouldnt feel this anxious if you really loved him and just all these nasty thoughts.
Ive been sobbing all day yesterday as felt so terrible and just feel so bad for my partner as althpugh he knows what im like its not exactly the typical response!all i want to do is feel the feelings normal people feel,but all ive got inside me is anxiety so bad.
Ive always wanted to be eneged to my partner,and i have suffered from rocd throughout our relationship but always pulled through it and been fine.im just scared that its auch a big thing(and any chnage throws me as well) that ots to much.
Theres no one else i would rather be with than my partner and ots making me so sad that i cant be normal and have the normal reactions to being engaged.
Any advice would be soooo good.x

[celticlass62]

congratulations to you and your partner worried on your engagement
lots of love to you both
celticlass xxx :hugs::hugs:

[OCDPTSD]

how long u been living together ?

[worried 101]

we've been living together for about 3 years now

[Shaznayhawkes]

My partner and I have been together just over 9 years. We got engaged a few years back and I remember feeling very similar, questioning if my responses to everything we're genuine, or if they were what they should be. I also had a big melt down when we moved in together. Once all the family had left after helping all day moving us in, my partner looked to me and said, that's it, we're in our home and my immediate thought was I'm not sure if I love you enough to do this. It was the worst moment, and caused me to spend the first couple of weeks wrestling with the confusion of these thoughts and how I didn't really feel like that but why were these thoughts there??
Change and stress are a major factor for OCD. There's so much for you to compare your relationship to with tv, films and even social networking. As awful as it is, allow the thoughts to be there and give yourself time to settle into the change in your relationship.
Congratulations on your engagement, I'm sure you will be very very happy xx

[worried 101]

Hey shaznay.
Thank so much for your post.It couldnt have come at a better time as had a really bad day yesterday from anxiety. Its just so tiring having these horrible thoughts about someone you love literally take over your mind and consume you 24/7. You start to get lost in the thoughts or reality and lies and the two mix together and then i begin to worry that they are true which literally kills me as its such a horrible thing to think about someone you love.
I really struggle to hold onto the truth at times as it feels like why the hell would my head try to do this to me? But you are right change is a massive thing for me,never liked it even when i was little.
I definetly think that tv and films and that have a massive impact and facebook is such a massive smoke screen as no one can truely see your emotions whenn typi g.
How are you doing with your anxieties? I have seen your name on some other threads regarding this issue and i really hope you are having a better time with it. Although i have to say it is comforting to know that others have felt these anxities as well, though hopefully one day we will all beat the demons in our heads!
Take care.xxx

[Shaznayhawkes]

Glad I could be of help!!
Sorry to hear you've been struggling over the last few days, it's the worst feeling because like you say it doesn't take a lot to be sucked in and start to believe these thoughts could be real, and once you've done that then the mind just runs away with itself.
I've had my moments over the christmas period, but I've tried very hard to be mindful of the fact that if you give it an inch, it'll take a mile. It hasn't stopped the anxiety or ultimately the thoughts, but it has allowed me to function and not get carried away. The only thing is it's exhausting and I know it won't be long before I can't keep that up anymore and allow the thoughts to flood back in.
I don't want to sound like I'm repeating myself, especially if you say that you've seen my posts before lol, but my therapist told me that part of the reason these thoughts cause so much distress is because I do love my partner as much as I do and the fear of being without him helps to create these thoughts. I try very hard to hold onto that when I'm struggling.

Big hugs xx

[worried 101]

Thankyou it really helps to have support on here. Feel like im going mad alot of the time
Do you fond sometimes your head is like telling you that your just lying to yourself and that its cos you just dont want the relationship?cos my head does that. Thats when i get most scared as i just couldnt imagine not being with him ever just feel like this is just horrible having these thoughts running continously in my head.
The thing is when i have been fine I dont worry about stuff like this, but i feel like whenever anxiety strikes it always in someway tied to my relationship, sometimes its about my partner and other times his chilren. when i was younger it was about family and friends.
I have always had relationship anxiety throughout my relationship. i think i first experienced it with my ex when i decided that i didnt want to be with him anymore, ot was such an intensely horrible feeling and took me a long time to actually end it that ive sorta built up am anxiety around it.
I dunno feels so screwed up! my fiance is amazing,kind and gorgeous and understands me so well. we get on amazing and have never had proper cross words. But cant get these horrible thoughts out of my mind.
Do you feel like you pick apart your relationship and obsess about every little thing? sometimes when i read comments from otber suffers my heads just saying we are all deluded and were all just kidding ourselves. Just hate it so so much!
Sorry for the mammoth message and all the questions,just needed to get it all of my chest!
Xxx

[Shaznayhawkes]

I always get the worry that I'm just kidding myself and that maybe I just can't bring myself to end it, like you, that's my biggest fear! But I guess ultimately this is what this OCD is, the fear.
Like you, when the anxiety isn't there then I'm happy and content and just enjoy our relationship, but I think I'm always anticipating something spoiling that and the anxiety kicking in so I guess it's a bit of self fulfilling prophecy going on. All of my anxieties seem lead to relationship anxiety and it would be easy to say that this is an underlying problem and I wouldn't feel anxious if I ended things. But I don't want to. And when I've spoken with therapists and done research, it seems that actually, the reason all my worries lead back to relationship anxiety is because that my base fear, that I will lose something I love. I do tend to pick and obsess over our relationship, always analysing body language and responses. I'm always comparing to relationships on the tv or in films and get panicky if my friends say something about their relationships that I'm not doing incase that means we don't love each other.
It's never ending. I am terrified that one day I will end this relationship, that I won't be with him anymore and I will regret it till I'm old. I even got scared that when I took a new job I would meet somebody (like they do in the films!!) and think I love them more than my partner and leave him for them. That's ridiculous!!!!!!!! But it's there, in my head causing me distress and making me feel like the worst fiancé in the world.
Your not on your own, I feel screwed up too! Lol!!
Hope that all made sense xx

---------- Post added at 13:41 ---------- Previous post was at 13:26 ----------

I can't deny it, I can't stop thinking about how you had a relationship that ended and how you say it was a horrible feeling. I'm panicking that I have the same feeling and I'm just kidding myself!!!!! Oh my god- why do we do this!! :(
When I'm attempting to rationalise my thoughts I always say that if I wasn't happy in my relationship, I wouldn't feel happy and content when the anxiety isn't there, I'd feel like that about my partner all the time. I know it might be quite mild at first and build over time, but the general feeling would be there. What do u think??
My turn for the questions now! :blush:

[worried 101]

Heya,

Thankyou for your replies, I also feel its because its mmy worst fear to lose someone I love and basicslly my head is trying to ruin everything for me!
No honestly you dont sound like how i did with my ex...even when i was less anxious i still knew in my heart it wasnt right and then i just had to end it.I didnt feel happy with him even when the anxiety was not intense. With what we have its different, we know we love our partners, and just our anxieties and ocd distort our feelings, even though it can feel unbelievably real and scary at times. I find coming onto this website and hearing other peoples stories really helps me to get thing back into some sort of perspective.
I think the thing is we know we would be lost without our partners rather than feel happier and have to try and hold onto any positive we can find!
You are certainoy not the worst fiance in the world, if anything its shows how much you love your partner as you wouldnt feel such distress like you have said before. Hopefully one day we will just wake up and all these horrible feelings and thoughts will just dissapear!

How are things going for you?
xxx

[Shaznayhawkes]

Thanks for your reply. It's amazing the difference it makes having somebody to talk to who can really relate to what I'm experiencing.
I'm doing ok, the anxiety seems to be easing at the moment so I'm making the most of it. How about you? Xx

[worried 101]

Hi there.
Things have been a little better recently, had less bad thoughts and thats been so nice!still get these moments where I panic or feel down but they haven't been so bad.my partner has been mentioning the wedding a bit more which can make mea little anxious, but at the moment its more under control. How are you doing? Hope things have been going ok? Xxx

[P R F]

Thank you ladies for having this conversation.

SHAZNAYHAWKES, this especially hit me hard: "I am terrified that one day I will end this relationship, that I won't be with him anymore and I will regret it till I'm old. I even got scared that when I took a new job I would meet somebody (like they do in the films!!) and think I love them more than my partner and leave him for them. That's ridiculous!!!!!!!! But it's there, in my head causing me distress and making me feel like the worst fiancé in the world."

I suffer from the depression and the anxiety too and focus focus focus SO much on my relationship. Even altering the past based on how I currently feel saying "No you didbn't laugh, you didn't feel loved, you worried all the time." I did have worries for sure and stuff to work on, but once this "episode" hit, I have been drowning. Diong what i can to cope and get myself back...couselling, yoga, walking, nourishing myself best I can. What kind of stuff do you do to calm yourself, even temporarily. And one bigger question, when you have this anxiety around your partner, how do you calm it and just "be" with them?

Thanks again.

[Shaznayhawkes]

Hello. I'm sorry to hear you've been feeling this way. I hope you are able to take something from seeing that others feel the same way too.
I don't know that I could say there is one thing in particular that allows me to just 'be'. When I first started having thoughts like these, I mean really intense ones, it would build and build until I reached a crisis point. I would be hysterical and beg my partner to make it stop. A counsellor told me about OCD and I spoke to my doctor about it because although I found counselling useful, I'm not very good at opening up and really truly discussing things because I always second guess myself.
I found this forum and seeing peoples descriptions of how they were feeling made me see that I wasn't on my own and maybe this wasn't me, maybe it really could be a 'condition'. That was a real turning point for me. When I feel the anxiety starting to build and the thoughts creeping in I remind myself of the things other people have said on here. It doesn't stop the thoughts, but it allows me to keep the slightest grip on reality and that makes the world of difference.

I still doubt myself and over analyse things, question everything and at times get carried away with the thoughts but the biggest thing I do now is talk about it. I'm lucky that my partner is amazing and understands and will listen to me for as long as I need him to. Acknowledging that the feelings are creeping back in and the thoughts are there and actually saying it out loud to another person makes it seem so much more manageable than if I tried to ignore it all and let it fester.
I have days where I think I'm doing well, I have others where I wish I could live in a hole in the ground and never emerge again. But bearing in mind that other people are having the exact same experience gives me the strength to keep going until it passes. Not giving into the the thoughts and doing the things I would normally do with my partner, walks, dinner, days out etc keeps me from feeding the thoughts, but it's hard and exhausting.
I had a traumatic childhood and as I got into my late teens I knew I had a choice. I could either be a victim or I could use the experiences I had had to be a stronger person. I chose the latter, even though there are days when it doesn't feel that way. The intrusive thoughts, OCD and anxiety are all part of that and I can't allow them to beat me.

I hope this kind of answers your question. Apologies for rambling a lot, :blush:

[DarkSyn3rgy]

It's defiantly a horrible feeling, even days when I can feel my love for my husband I still have the doubting questions. The worst times are when I can't feel my love at all. I have been stuck in this holding pattern for 8 weeks now. I have to force myself back to work tomorrow because I know if I don't get on with things this anxiety will continue to consume me.