IN DESPERATE NEED OF HELP: Partner of anxiety sufferer need help!

[Walkingonglass]

Hi everyone :)
Hope you are all well.

I am new to this forum, and found it after being on google desperately looking for information. My boyfriend of 3 years suffers with GAD, and I guess I just want to ask you guys for some opinions about if some of his actions are due to the GAD or not.

Some background:
We have been together for 3 years, although 7 months of those 3 years we were apart. This was due to the fact that my boyfriend always looks for approval amongst his friends, and at that time we had only been together for 5 months. We broke up because his friends thought it would be better if he was single so that he could "live his life and not be tied down". Very few of his friends are in serious relationships, or even value a good relationship. As he has never grown up in a healthy family environment, there has been lack of love and his family are almost not allowed to express how they feel amongst themselves it has resulted in my boyfriend being very dependent on his friends and their approval. He always wants to do what his friends does. Anyways, we broke up for 7 months but after those 7 months we got back together because he realized that I am a girl who he wants to be with in the future, and because I loved him so much I was happy to get back with him.

Fast forward to now:
We have a great relationship, he has changed a lot and become more mature in terms of our relationship. If his friends would now say to him to leave me, he wouldnt because he values me more now. Personally, I think we are very happy together. We have the crucial things that are important in relationships, we are always there for eachother through out any life difficulties, we support eachother, we trust eachother, we laugh together, share the same values and principals, have the same goals for the future, we have the same traditional thinking, we respect eachother, we are completely honest with eachother, we are each others best friend.

HOWEVER, Because we have been together for a long time, that new amazing feeling that two people have when they initially fall in love, the spark, the excitement has turned in to a mature and deep relationship. And THIS is where his problem lies at times. My boyfriend often question whether this is a normal feeling. Bare in mind, I am his FIRST real relationship. Hes only ever had flings where its never got past the point where its become a deeper relationship. The only longer lasting relationship he ever had was with a girl and they were just sleeping with eachother, that lasted for over a year but it was purely physical.

He stresses out alot, he is never ever calm or content. In person, he will always shake his leg, his arm, just have a stressful energy around him. Its like he always needs to do something, go somewhere but he doesnt know where to go if that makes sense? When he has a goal, he HAS TO reach that goal with in a time frame, and every day spend all his time stressing about that goal. For example: He wanted a job with in a specific field, for a good few months he stressed and stressed, spending every minute applying for similar job roles, he could not priorities anything or anyone else at all. He finally got this job, and I thought he would be content. He starts in a month, and basically at his current job him and his manager does not get along. So after receiving news about getting this new job that he has worked so hard for, instead of being happy he started stressing that his boss will somehow ruin his chances at this new job by not giving him a good reference. He always tends to think about the worst case scenario at all times.
Its like he has this fear inside of him that wont ever go away.

So TO MY ACTUAL QUESTION NOW: When he is generally stressed in life, or sometimes when he tends to overthinks, he will at times question our relationship. So all of a sudden I can sometimes receive a text where he is asking "Do you think we are right for eachother" "We are so different, do you think we are meant to be?" "I really miss the times where I used to chase you". I have probably had texts as these about 6-10 times now. I always have to reassure him that we are good for eachother because we do have a very good mature and deep relationship. I honestly do EVERYTHING for him and go out of my way to do so. I can honestly say I am the nicest most patient person to him at all times, because I have learnt to be so. I know that these questions will come up from time to time, but he will forget about them the next day or a week after. I just want to know,

are these doubts because of his anxiety or am i just kidding myself?

I honestly think they are, and he is always scared that the worst thing may happen. So I think he is scared that maybe in the future when we do get married it wont work out.

We are generally very happy and he is honestly the love of my life. I know ive made him sound horrible, but he isnt. He is the sweetest guy I have ever met, but I just feel like he has this fear inside of him that never goes away. There is always a new stress he worries about.

Can anyone with GAD or any other type of anxiety comment on all of this, and maybe give me some insight of what problems you may face in a relationship that are similar to these???

My heart truly goes out to you all <3

[russdownunder]

Your a very patient and kind person. Living or going out with someone who suffers from GAD is traumatic at best. Just ask my partner of 23 years.:) Boy oh boy has she been my rock! She's also my best friend.

Has he been medically diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and receiving the proper treatment? People with an anxiety disorder go from one stressful situation to another. If there is nothing to stress about, believe me he'll find something. I know I do. I know it's not rational but it's extremely hard to control. Sometimes next to bloody impossible.

Love and support each other for the time being and let matters take their course. Even print out this reply and show it to him. It may make him realize that he's by far and away not the only one suffering this horrible condition. There are hundreds of thousands of us world wide, maybe more.

Good luck.:)

---------- Post added at 00:56 ---------- Previous post was at 00:38 ----------

PS. The doubts he's having may due to the fact that he knows he has a problem, and is scared of dragging you into them??? This is a thought I just had now.

There are many more experienced people on this forum than me who will no doubt answer your questions better than I can. Particularly the ladies here.

[Walkingonglass]

russdownunder, thank you so much for your kind reply. Really needed to hear that. He has indeed been diagnosed, this was about 5 years ago when I did not know him. At the time, his anxiety took over to the extent where he had to half way through university quit his course and move back home. He was put on propranolol and could physically not leave the house for a few months due to his anxiety.

I am still so new to this, and its only recently I realized how much the condition affects him. I really try to do my best to keep him calm, comfort him. I do as much as I possibly can not to stress him out. For example, as a woman, sometimes I do feel insecure about myself or I want to be reassured by him but I usually think about if my insecurities or question will stress him out or make him feel more anxious.

russdownunder, did you ever have doubts about your relationship that was caused by your anxiety? If so, do you mind sharing this? :)

Thank you very much :)

[russdownunder]

Yeah. I must admit I did have doubts. Chris is such a kind person and always has been. There was a stage where I thought she was too good for me. But she had her own problems too at that time. She had bipolar disorder, so we just kind of helped each other. Now 20 odd years later, she's cured and I still have an anxiety disorder. :D

Explain your insecurities too him. I will show him how much you love him, and make him realize that he's not the only one who needs reassurance.

[Walkingonglass]

russdownunder, Can I just ask you why you had these doubts, or where these doubts came from if you guys had a essentially good relationship? My apologies if I sound ignorant, but I am trying to wrap my head around why he can sometimes (not often at all) doubt if we are a good match even though we have a really good relationship? Im just trying to figure out how he thinks?

Also, I have tried explaining this to him, but he tends to feel pressured easily and also he has the tendency to not be able to look beyond his OWN problems. For example, I was feeling so down one day about family relating issues to the point where I could not stop crying. So I reached out to him to tell him, he kind of gave me comfort but he was happening to have one of his lower moments. Instead of fully comforting me, he needed reassurance that me and him are truly good together and our relationship is taking a normal course. It becomes frustrating for me when that happens, because it adds to the problems I am suffering with at that moment but again I never say anything because I dont want him to stress out :(

[russdownunder]

It was simply that I felt I'd drag her down with my own problems. When we first met she was fine. She didn't develop bipolar disorder until 3 years into our relationship. That's when helping each other came in.

People with an anxiety disorder need constant reassurance, hence "are we truly good together?" It's not that he doesn't care about you.

It's past 2.00am here in Australia and time for this boy to get some sleep. I'm sure one of the more experienced ladies in this forum will pop up soon and answer your questions far better than I can.:smile:

If you love him, I suppose just support him as best you can.

---------- Post added at 02:20 ---------- Previous post was at 02:07 ----------

PS. But never loose sight of the fact that you need to have a life too OK?

[Walkingonglass]

Thank you so much for your replies and advice russdownunder :)
Hope you get some good rest and I will try not to lose sight of having my own life :)

If there is anyone else who could help, I would really appreciate your views :)

[phil6]

Hi walkingonglass
First of all, you sound like a really caring and lovely human being.
I have GAD. It has come and gone several times throughout my life and is causing me distress this year.
The thing about GAD is that you live with a fairly constant feeling of unease and even dread. There my be good days and bad days but on the bad days the symptoms of anxiety reinforce a lot of negative thoughts about yourself and about the world.
Most of us realise that these thoughts are not logical, or real, but the whole disorder feeds on itself and it is very difficult to challenge them. It is the main reason that the GAD sufferer constantly looks for reassurance.
Think what it is like to constantly think negatively about something, constantly come up with worst case scenarios and therefore feel physically stressed. The physical sensations sort of firm up the negative beliefs you have and the cycle goes on.
I think you will need to accept that his constant search for reassurance is all part of the GAD and even if you reassure him, his mind will return to the subject and come up with the same insecurities. We are worry addicts.
He needs to work on changing his need for reassurance and start treating his thoughts as just thoughts, rather than reality. This is hard for us all. One of the best reassurances you can give is that you can work on this together and your part will be to remind him of reality so he can then challenge his own thinking.
Hope that helps.
Phil

[Walkingonglass]

Phil6,
Thank you so much for the kind words and reply :)
What you describe sounds exactly like him. I think its just hard for me because he doesnt see that it might be his anxiety that causes the problems. So when he has doubts in our relationship, he thinks it is the reality and he confirms it by saying that hes thought it other times aswell. He also tends to get nightmares about me and him where our relationship is horrible. The reality is, its really not horrible its actually really great when hes more relaxed.

Every time he gets anxious, it could be about anything, he will start thinking negatively about every single aspect of his life. So everytime he is stressed, I feel stressed aswell because I know he will question our relationship. It makes me feel on edge everytime something makes him feel anxious :( I try to be as patient as I can possibly be, but sometimes I do feel really exhausted always feeling on edge :(

[Fishmanpa]

May I ask your ages?

Positive thoughts

[Walkingonglass]

Fishmanpa, Of course.

We are both 24 :)

[Fishmanpa]

You guys are my son's age :)

I've read your post several times and I hear everything you're saying. You sound like a wonderful and loving young woman and most men would cherish a woman like you.

Phil and the others had some very good points. The fact that this is his first serious relationship plays much into what's happening as well. The future depends on him getting the help he needs and quite frankly, growing up a bit. Otherwise, despite your feelings for him, you will eventually tire of being treated the way he's treating you. I say this because I've been in your shoes and it's exhausting to constantly be reassuring someone and affirming your feelings. His insecurity with himself can lead to jealousy as well. That's no picnic let me tell you!

I don't suffer from anxiety but I've been in relationships with others that suffered from mental illness and it takes a very special individual to be able to navigate the waters. I know you love him but based on what I read, you may need to do some soul searching concerning the future of this relationship.


Positive thoughts and prayers.

[Walkingonglass]

Fishmanpa, Thank you for your very honest advice and lovely words :)
I do definitely agree with you, I can confirm that he is actually quite immature and has a lot of growing up to do. The positive side of it though is, that he has grown up quite a bit from when I first got to know him. I do get frustrated sometimes, but at the same time I feel even more sad for him and empathize with him. I cannot imagine how it is to constantly live with a fear inside of you, and never feel truly happy. I honestly just want to hold him and make things OK for him. Mostly, he is fine and more relaxed and at those times we have a really happy relationship.

I definitely thinks he needs some type of help, I am just trying to figure out how to make him realize this without hurting his feelings.

Thank you very much everyone for your lovely responses. You guys just turned a depressing day in to a good one.
Bless you all <3

---------- Post added at 21:35 ---------- Previous post was at 20:05 ----------

Any female perspectives on this? :)

[phil6]

Walkingonglass,
All I can say is be compassionate. Negative thoughts although faulty, feel real when anxious.... It's really hard to dismiss them as just anxious thoughts. This is the message you can get across to him. My wife has to do this endlessly with me when I have a bad day. The point is, they are not truth, and I expect he knows this already.
Phil

[Walkingonglass]

Hi Phil6 :)

I think he knows deep down that the worries he has when it comes to our relationship is truly his anxiety, but like you said at the time when he actually feels it he will think that these worries are VERY REAL.

The problem is though, that he does not fully recognize that he needs some kind of professional support for this. And as patient that I try to be, when he gets anxious about something (work, family, friends etc) I will get anxious aswell because I am scared that he will feel anxious about our relationship aswell in the course of being anxious about other things, if that makes sense? Sometimes I do have a hard time convincing myself that it just his anxiety speaking.

It doesn't help that his friends really do not understand that he suffers with anxiety, and give him worthless advice "if you doubt your relationship, you should just leave her"

I have a few times reacted very emotionally to his doubts, trying to reassure him, getting angry at him for having such doubts because it means he does not appreciate me and everything I do. And when I react like that, it gets even worse.

I am learning more and more though and this forum is really helping me. I used to feel so alone, not many of my friends understood and they just think he is being selfish and does not care about me which I know is not true so thank you very much everyone :):):)