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Lousy Hero
10-11-06, 20:28
"This is going to take some explaining...

I was diagnoised with Clinic Depression last month and its made me realise that ive been depressed for over 5 years now, yes since i was twelve (there have been a lot of issues im working over with my psycho therapists at the moment, and maybe when i feel a little more confident i'll share them with you all)

Nearly two years ago now, well 21 months, i started going out with a girl in the year below me called Jara. She made me feel absolutely amazing, i went on holiday with her with her parents, and yeah, it was the best. She's also the only girl ive ever "been" with which makes her even more special. However, around 10 months into our relationship depression took a strong hold on me and i spent more time at home, i felt uncomfortable being outdoors which meant i saw less and less of Jara. In an attempt to save our relationship Jara tried so, so hard to make things work but i just couldnt handle it. The more she tried the more i shut myself away. Im not sure if it was fear of getting hurt or what. I didnt see it at the time, i guess i was too wrapped up in my own depression to notice, but i was putting her through hell. She was doing everything she thought possible to try and make things work, and the more i shut myself away the more she felt that i'd fallen out of love with her. People at school started telling me that it was Jara who was the cause of my unhappiness, id never told anyone of my depresion as at the time i didnt really know about it, and the more they told me the more i started to believe them.

I was a complete Jerk to Jara, and at no point did i ever deserve any of the love she showed and gave to me. I mean, on our one year anniversiary I was on a school trip to Berlin. I hadnt realised the date clash, i thought we would still have had a last weekend together, so i planned something special for her, something we'd always talked about, something to show that i still loved her more infinately than she knew. (i know its not going to sound much to you guys) I booked two tickets to the Tuesday 14th February (our one year anniversiary to the day) showing of the Lion King up in London's West End preceeded by a nice meal at the restaurant of Jara's choice. I realised it was a school night but id imagined our parents would have let us stay out for such a big occasion...But yeah... that totally failed because, unawares to me, it was the same date that i was to leave for Berlin... I wasnt allowed to not go to Berlin, it was apparently too late for me to attempt to change the dates of the booked tickets. It was devistated. I didnt have the heart to tell Jara that id messed up so badly. I wish with all my heart that i could turn back time, change the date of those tickets and maybe all this wouldnt have happened... But yeah, thats just me i gues...

In the end Jara couldnt take the heartache anymore so we decided to become friends instead late spring this year.

I pretty much instantly missed her, being with her and everything. But i also realised how unhappy i had made her so i didnt attempt to "give it another go" as it would have been unfair on her to put her through it all again.

I also made the biggest mistake of my life, bar suicide attempts, in an attempt to "get over" Jara i attempted a relationship with another girl. Yes i know now it was a stupid thing to do and i really wish i hadn't. But i guess now i have an insite as to what i put Jara through as that girl put me through HELL. I guess it was partly my fault wanting something that just wasnt there, wanting to... i dont know... turn her into Jara, trying to do the things Jara and i used to do which madee me so happy.

So yeah... over the past few months (well ever since we broke up) ive realised ive still had strong feelings for her, and they've escallated to an all time high recently. So much so that i had to write down everything i wanted to say to her (as i was too embarrassed/shy to do it face to face) and she eventually persuaded me to give her what i had written. Part of me wanted to give th

Lousy Hero
10-11-06, 20:40
I know "im young" and ill "get over it eventually" and i'll "find someone else" but ive such a strong feeling about her. There's no doubt im still very much in love with her. I might be a fool for believing in destiny but a really big part of me things that we're meant to be together. Just something inside...

Religion? Communism? No, Love is the Opiate of the People

Southern_Belle
10-11-06, 21:22
Hi,

I'm sorry you have been having such a rough time of it lately. First of all you are on the road to recovery having been finally diagnosed and receiving treatment so that is some good news! Second of all, Jara knows how you truly feel about her and there are no secrets between you two anymore. Now, in my opinion the best way for any couple to survive is to be friends first and it sounds like you two are. I would give it time and let her decide if she wants to stay with her boyfriend or become more than just friends with you again. Like you say you are both still young, things change, it is not like she is getting married or anything. You are friends right now and not enemies so at least you are still in her life, that is a good thing. I would focus on getting yourself feel better and that would be your best hope for you two ever making it work. For me, I wish you the best of luck.

Bel

"Our thoughts are our reality"

Lousy Hero
10-11-06, 21:35
Thank you so much Suthern_Belle for taking the time to write your reply. It has really hit home in a good way. I think ill take your advice at let her come to a decision in her own time. I think ive done all i can for now, the ball is in her court.

Religion? Communism? No, Love is the Opiate of the People

yorkylover
11-11-06, 00:38
Hi there,dont be to hard on your self pet.You have gone through a really hard time with your depression.Its very difficult to carry on life as normal when you feel so ill.You have now made your feelings pretty clear to Jara,and like Bel said just let Jara decide what she wants to do.It will be difficult for you,as she is your first love.But you never know whats around the corner.At least you are friends.You need to think about you to,getting your self better.
Things will work there selves out.Take care:)[:P]:)

Ellen XX

Lousy Hero
14-11-06, 13:03
Erm... didnt work out so hot...

Religion? Communism? No, Love is the Opiate of the People