Morg888
09-12-13, 19:25
Hi all! I am new to the forum and I'm looking forward to hearing from you all. I've been going through a very rough time lately, and I know as an OCD person I shouldn't be looking for reassurance... but I feel so alone.
I had my sweet little baby 12 weeks ago and she is a doll! All my life I have had horrible anxiety and OCD thoughts (fear of knives, power tools, and guns because I was scared of "what if I hurt my family with these" and had horrible thoughts about it, as a result of these thoughts). I also have many different phobias, but I have been able to push past these obsessive thoughts and emotions in the past, even when I was having panic attacks. Since I've had my daughter, though, I have been feeling worse.
I first started, while in the hospital, searching all about the scary things that can happen with an epidural. Then, when I came home, I obsessed about dying from a late postpartum hemmorage. I feared, "what if I can't take care of my daughter? What if I die and she's left all alone?" Then, one day she coughed, and I rushed her to the doctors to make sure she was okay. Then one day she shook, and I took her to the doctor to make sure she wasn't seizing. Then I began to obsess about me and my husband and my daughter getting the flu or getting sick, and obsessively cleaned our home for two weeks straight. This whole time I also had "visions" (in my head, of course, not actually seeing things) of me accidentally dropping my daughter, of accidentally shaking her, what if I don't get the soap out of her bottles and she gets poisoned, etc.) Then, at about ten weeks postpartum, I started feeling really anxious but for no reason. I couldn't swallow, choked on food, my chest hurt and I had a nagging cough for weeks. My doc said I wasn't sick, but I still felt lost. Then, all hell broke loose.
I woke up on a Monday morning in a severe panic for no reason. I had researched online so much about all these different postpartum disorders, and I woke up with this extreme fear. My co-worker had a brother that just died, and I was scared of dying. She kept talking about how she said a medium told her he was an "angry, mad spirit" and was wandering alone. I don't believe in this, due to my own religious beliefs, but it still scared me to think she could think of her brother like that. I then, being stupid and in the middle of a panic attack, went online and came across postpartum psychosis. I frantically read the symptoms, then read some scary stories from mothers who had it and thought that the devil was possessing their baby and loved ones, thought people were out to get them and thought they saw aliens, etc. It scared me so bad that I burst into tears and went downstairs, thinking "how can they think those things? That's so scary!" I was washing dishes with my daughter in her swing, and turned around to see her cooing up at the lights. I smiled, thinking about how cute she was, then had the thought of "what if I had psychosis and thought that was an evil spirit she was talking to?" This thought scared me to my core, and I grabbed my baby, packed up a diaper bag and, at six in the morning, rushed to my grandparents because I was so scared I was going to get psychosis. I stayed with them for a full week, afraid to hold my baby or look her in the eye or look at any of my family members because the obsessive, scary thought of "what if I have psychosis? What if I hallucinate? what if I start thinking they are possessed? What if I start thinking I see demons?" played in my head non stop. I would make up these horrifying, fake hallucinations in my head that played like flashes, and be scared silly about "what if I actually see that? What if I start to be delusional or crazy??" I would wake up in the middle of the night with panic attacks and these scary, intrusive thoughts and not be able to breathe because I was so scared of going crazy. I researched the symptoms of psychosis,schizophrenia and bipolar disorder like crazy, trying to assure myself I didn't have it. (No family history whatsoever either, except a half sister that my dad thinks MIGHT have been diagnosed as mildly bipolar). It's like I would look all these things up and convince myself I had it, but at the same time try to reassure myself I didn't.
I finally went to my doctor and told her how scared I was. She gave me 100 mg of Zoloft and reffered me to a psychologist. I've been taking the Zoloft for two and a half weeks and, while my panic attacks have almost all disappeared and my anxiety has improved, and I don't try to make up the hallucinations in my head that scared me, but I still have this horrible, scary fear of going crazy or believing all those scary intrusive thoughts. I went to the psychologist and told her all this and she said I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder (severe) and OCD. She reassured me I'm not crazy, but I still struggle so much.
I just want to know, has this happened to anyone else out there? Did you go through similar things? And for people who took Zoloft, when do these obsessive fears go away?? I just want to enjoy being with my baby again and my husband, as he is deploying in two months.
Thank you so much for reading my long ramble, you have no idea how much I appreciate it.
Best Wishes!
Morgan
---------- Post added at 12:25 ---------- Previous post was at 12:21 ----------
Might I also add that the whole time I was having these thoughts, I knew just how severely IRRATIONAL they were. But I just couldn't handle the fear that comes with them, and the unknown of "what if I develop this and lose my mind? What if I lose touch with reality? What if I hurt my daughter or husband because of this?" I'm still slightly scared to be alone, because that's when my OCD thoughts run rampant.
I had my sweet little baby 12 weeks ago and she is a doll! All my life I have had horrible anxiety and OCD thoughts (fear of knives, power tools, and guns because I was scared of "what if I hurt my family with these" and had horrible thoughts about it, as a result of these thoughts). I also have many different phobias, but I have been able to push past these obsessive thoughts and emotions in the past, even when I was having panic attacks. Since I've had my daughter, though, I have been feeling worse.
I first started, while in the hospital, searching all about the scary things that can happen with an epidural. Then, when I came home, I obsessed about dying from a late postpartum hemmorage. I feared, "what if I can't take care of my daughter? What if I die and she's left all alone?" Then, one day she coughed, and I rushed her to the doctors to make sure she was okay. Then one day she shook, and I took her to the doctor to make sure she wasn't seizing. Then I began to obsess about me and my husband and my daughter getting the flu or getting sick, and obsessively cleaned our home for two weeks straight. This whole time I also had "visions" (in my head, of course, not actually seeing things) of me accidentally dropping my daughter, of accidentally shaking her, what if I don't get the soap out of her bottles and she gets poisoned, etc.) Then, at about ten weeks postpartum, I started feeling really anxious but for no reason. I couldn't swallow, choked on food, my chest hurt and I had a nagging cough for weeks. My doc said I wasn't sick, but I still felt lost. Then, all hell broke loose.
I woke up on a Monday morning in a severe panic for no reason. I had researched online so much about all these different postpartum disorders, and I woke up with this extreme fear. My co-worker had a brother that just died, and I was scared of dying. She kept talking about how she said a medium told her he was an "angry, mad spirit" and was wandering alone. I don't believe in this, due to my own religious beliefs, but it still scared me to think she could think of her brother like that. I then, being stupid and in the middle of a panic attack, went online and came across postpartum psychosis. I frantically read the symptoms, then read some scary stories from mothers who had it and thought that the devil was possessing their baby and loved ones, thought people were out to get them and thought they saw aliens, etc. It scared me so bad that I burst into tears and went downstairs, thinking "how can they think those things? That's so scary!" I was washing dishes with my daughter in her swing, and turned around to see her cooing up at the lights. I smiled, thinking about how cute she was, then had the thought of "what if I had psychosis and thought that was an evil spirit she was talking to?" This thought scared me to my core, and I grabbed my baby, packed up a diaper bag and, at six in the morning, rushed to my grandparents because I was so scared I was going to get psychosis. I stayed with them for a full week, afraid to hold my baby or look her in the eye or look at any of my family members because the obsessive, scary thought of "what if I have psychosis? What if I hallucinate? what if I start thinking they are possessed? What if I start thinking I see demons?" played in my head non stop. I would make up these horrifying, fake hallucinations in my head that played like flashes, and be scared silly about "what if I actually see that? What if I start to be delusional or crazy??" I would wake up in the middle of the night with panic attacks and these scary, intrusive thoughts and not be able to breathe because I was so scared of going crazy. I researched the symptoms of psychosis,schizophrenia and bipolar disorder like crazy, trying to assure myself I didn't have it. (No family history whatsoever either, except a half sister that my dad thinks MIGHT have been diagnosed as mildly bipolar). It's like I would look all these things up and convince myself I had it, but at the same time try to reassure myself I didn't.
I finally went to my doctor and told her how scared I was. She gave me 100 mg of Zoloft and reffered me to a psychologist. I've been taking the Zoloft for two and a half weeks and, while my panic attacks have almost all disappeared and my anxiety has improved, and I don't try to make up the hallucinations in my head that scared me, but I still have this horrible, scary fear of going crazy or believing all those scary intrusive thoughts. I went to the psychologist and told her all this and she said I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder (severe) and OCD. She reassured me I'm not crazy, but I still struggle so much.
I just want to know, has this happened to anyone else out there? Did you go through similar things? And for people who took Zoloft, when do these obsessive fears go away?? I just want to enjoy being with my baby again and my husband, as he is deploying in two months.
Thank you so much for reading my long ramble, you have no idea how much I appreciate it.
Best Wishes!
Morgan
---------- Post added at 12:25 ---------- Previous post was at 12:21 ----------
Might I also add that the whole time I was having these thoughts, I knew just how severely IRRATIONAL they were. But I just couldn't handle the fear that comes with them, and the unknown of "what if I develop this and lose my mind? What if I lose touch with reality? What if I hurt my daughter or husband because of this?" I'm still slightly scared to be alone, because that's when my OCD thoughts run rampant.