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[TooMuchToLiveFor]

Hi, Everybody!
I joined today after spending the last four weeks combing every post I could as I have been clawing my way through my newly diagnosed panic disorder.

I started recently with two weeks of 50mg Sertraline, then a week of 75, and today I am on day 5 of 100. I am also on a RX of Xanax due to starting with crippling anxiety and then adding the ever dreaded start up anxiety (which might be even worse!) and more panic attacks (and now agoraphobia). I am taking .5 about 4xs a day.

I have a great life- wonderful husband, the most amazing four year old little boy- and a beautiful 4 month old baby girl. I feel like such a burden on them. The mommy/wife guilt is devastating. My husband is having to take care of everything as I doing all I can to function right now. I had to quit nursing my baby girl- which broke my heart.

I think I have struggled with underlying anxiety issues for a long time, but found ways to cope (including abusing alcohol at times). I had what we now know was my first panic episode a year ago in November, but October 6 this year I had the true storm hit--- panic attacks, into panic disorder,.....and here I am.

Starting therapy, including CBT, next week, and adding a psych doc to work with my regular doctor.

Hoping this forum and chat room will be one more tool I can use on my way to wholeness again. This is all very hard for my family and friends to understand. I am (was?) a very bubbly, outgoing, involved, passionate woman- and now I feel like I am a shell of someone I don't even know.....I keep trying to find myself in my own brain.

Looking forward to helping each other......TC

[Tanner40]

Too Much, welcome to the forum. I have found this to be a great sight with many positive people that will truly understand what you're going through. Congratulations on starting CBT and searching for tools that will assist you during the recovery process. In my opinion, one of the best things that you can do for yourself. Try being kind and gentle to yourself for awhile. Good luck on your journey.

[Annie0904]

Hi :welcome:

[TooMuchToLiveFor]

Thank you so much, Tanner and Annie, for welcoming me! :)

[Lacie]

Too Much, I can totally relate! I just don't feel like myself anymore either. I used to be such a happy-go-lucky, go with the flow kinda girl. Now I can't even joke around with my husband because I take everything so seriously. I suffer from health anxiety, I'm constantly worried that I am going to have a heart attack at any moment, even though I know there is nothing wrong with me.

I have found this site to be a great help, I spent a lot of time reading posts here before I finally joined.

I don't know what triggered everything. I'm not doing any CBT, yet, I do think I would benefit from some kind of therapy.

Hope you can find the support you need here and get through this, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, I see it but having a hard time getting there.

[TooMuchToLiveFor]

Thanks, Lacie!
Yes, I keep saying I can see the faint glow at the end of the tunnel- even if I can't actually see the light yet. :)
Are you on any medication? How is your husband handling everything?

[Lacie]

TooMuch,

Yes, I'm on medication, citalopram. I've gone off it 2 times. The first time I felt so good after being on it for about 8 months, wound up back on it about 4 months later. I got pregnant and quit taking it about 10 months later, had a miscarriage and am back on it again. I would love to be med free, but at this point I'm content to pop that pill everyday. It beats feeling the way I was.

I still focus on every ache and pain, I've been having a really hard time the past couple of weeks, even on the meds.

My husband has been great through all this, he doesn't understand it, but he doesn't make me feel any worse either. He tries to be supportive, but since he doesn't get it I try not to lean on him too much. I would come here and read posts from others and feel much better. I think my entire family is tired of hearing about it honestly. I mostly would talk to my mom, since she's a nurse I thought I could get reassurance from her, but she's reached her breaking point. I have had all sorts of testing done, and nothing is wrong with me. I do have chest pain, but it isn't centrally located more above my breasts and to the side. I am beginning to think it is all related to the size of my chest, gravity taking over... just taking it one day at a time helps, sometimes it's minute by minute. I hate feeling like this, I have a wonderful 6 year old son, and I feel like I'm cheating him from so much because sometimes it takes everything I have just get up every day.

[Round in circles]

Hi TooMuch, welcome. I know what you mean when you say you feel a shell of your former self. The old you is still there, just obscured by the panic and anxiety. I know eventually you'll find you again when you don't feel so overwhelmed. Anxiety takes a lot of energy after all :winks: Good luck with the cbt. Hopefully it will help you feel a little more in control of things again.

[TooMuchToLiveFor]

Lacie- I know how you feel concerning guilt and your kids. This morning it took everything I had to put together his little preschool lunchbox. My heart was pounding out of my chest, stomach full of dragons (not butterflies), and only two months ago I was volunteering to help at all of his little school functions! Just give him lots of snuggles and love.....and remember the bad seasons won't last. (Still working on convincing myself of that sometimes.)

Round- Thank you for your post.....I really liked what you said about "anxiety taking a lot of energy"....that really clicked with me in a good way. :)