Cant Take Much More

[Caz Fab Pants]

At the moment I am existing, not living, just existing. I dont feel positive about any aspect of my life and cant see a light at the end of the tunnel.

I dont mix with anyone or socialise, I NEVER phone anyone, I dont have a hobby, osdijroenfwlnfl................................

This is about the third time I have tried to write down how I am feeling and its so hard that I'm close to giving up.

Basically at the moment I'm struggling with agoraphobia, anxiety & panic attacks, depression, a 5yr old who has ADHD and mild autism, a baby.....blah, blah, blah.

God I just cant seem to get out what I want to say.

I have shut myself off from the world. I have no friends to speak of, I dont see much of my family because they're all busy at the moment, I'm stuck in a rut and bored out my skull.

My day consists of getting the kids dressed and fed, take eldest to school which is a nightmare because of his problems, come home and put baby down for nap and go back to bed myself. I set my alarm to wake me just before I have to collect my son again at 12 midday (he only has funding to attend part-time) and then its time to feed them both again.
I rarely see any other adults on an average day because I dont make plans or phone and invite anyone round. I usually spend the next hour or so stopping my 5yr old hurting the baby and try to keep him amused with games, playstation, tv etc.

Just writing this is giving me chest pains because I'm so strung out about it at the moment. My hands are sweating and I'm wondering how and when things are going to improve.

The baby goes down for a nap again at about 2.30 - 3pm and I too sometimes go back to bed and only wake when my partner comes in from work at 4pm.

I dont care about house work or cooking, I never wash the car, the garden is a state and I dont even enjoy getting ready for the day anymore because I feel ugly.

I dont seem to be able to be positive about anything and I think the only thing stopping me from crying or cracking up is the fact that I'm on medication. I feel like the full blown depression is being held at bay but I'm still not feeling 'normal' enough to enjoy life.

I dont know why I'm bothering to sit here and tell you all this because I know there's nothing anyone can do about the way I feel. Maybe thats why I have cut myself off from everyone around me and spend most of my time sleeping. I prefer to be asleep than awake because I'm not consious of my problems or anything around me.

I constantly feel guilty for being this way because I know I should be taking my baby to toddler groups like I did with my older child and keeping the house clean and tidy. I also know that my 5yr old needs me to be strong and firm and enforce rules etc so he has consistancy but most of the time I just feel drained by his relentless demands and bad behaviour.

If I'm totally honest I'm desperate for change and am thinking about all kinds of things that will make me feel better that aren't neccessarily addressing the real problems.

I've thought about plastic surgery, I've thought about hiring a skip and chucking out most of my belongings so the house will stay tidy, I've thought about giving my ex custody of our son (the 5yr old) and lots more less drastic things like decorating, getting new carpets, having hair extentions, buying a new bed and sofa.

God, seeing this written down makes me sound like I've completely lost the plot!! [:P] But this just shows what a mess my head is in even though externally I look ok.

Not sure what I'm expecting in response to this?? Sorry to go on.

Caroline (after yet another bad day)
x

[lainey]

Hi Caroline

I'so sorry you are feeling so down, you ahve a lot to contend with , with 2 young children to look after. You say you have shut yourself off from the world but at least you are coming in to the forum to speak to people who understand how you are feeling.
It's hard when you get in a rut to get out of it and it does make you bored 'cso iv'e been there when my kids were little and I found it very hard to be at home all day after having a very busy job pre kids, and the fact that my husband worked away.
I think you should start by not going back to bed as that is exactly what I was doing a few weeks ago and felt ten times worse when I got up. I don't think lying in bed helps the problem I think it exacerbates it, instead of going to bed why not come into the forum and chat to people. Set yourself a goal to do a little more each day and you'll be surprised how much better it will make you feel for achieving that goal.
You say you are desperate for a change and trying to think of things that will make you feel better but that it won't address th real problems but I am sure if you start doing a little for yourself you will start to feel better and you symptoms will get better.

I'm sorry to have gone on but just trying to help you.

Hope you feel better soon.

Take care

Elaine xxx

[Meg]

Dear Caroline,

I don't think you've lost the plot at all.

I think you're exhausted and depressed and struggling with those plus anxiety and panic is too much and you're burnt out and fed up.

As you already have pointed out there are lots of things both small changes and major ones that you can do to help yourself but when motivation and energy is soo low its very hard to do anything except exist from day to day.

Does your mood change when you have your partner home in the afternoons or weekends ? How helpful is he ?

Maybe a really good scream and sobbing session would release and change energy.









Meg

Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind.
If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.
Robert Albert Bloch

[sarah]

Hiya Caz

Aww honey, you are feeling low arent you?

I too felt like you do and hid in bed at every opportunity. Now my husband drags me out of bed at 8 every morning and checks up on me during the day to make sure I havent gone and hidden again!!!

I think you would feel a little better if you had a tidy house, clean car, nice garden etc but its a lot to do and think about in one go so you need to break it down and do it in small manageable chunks.

its too much to expect yourself to not go back to bed and blitz the house in one day so how about staying up for just an extra 15 minutes and doing some hoovering or something small? just concentrate on a room you spend most time in so you can see a difference and it might give you motivation.

is there anyone who can take your baby off your hands just for the morning so you can get on with doing something in peace?

Dont forget, even though we on here arent 'real' people as such, you are still making friends in here and contributing to a very worthy site!!!

Hopefully you will be able to come to the meet up at Nics house. it will be great to meet you and it might help you to meet up with others who know what you are going through.

ok I think ive preached to you enough...sorry...lol

I truly hope you get back on track soon mate.

take care
love sarah
xx

we arent mad, just the next stage of evolution :)

[jollywalrus]

Hi Caroline,
Reading your post touched a nerve with me as I know just how you feel. Even now, close friends and family can measure my mood by the way my house looks! It is very difficult to keep things together when you are feeling bad. it is a bit like wading through treacle.
The only thing I can say to you is that I found that because I had three small children, I just had to keep going - somehow. I just tried to do something small each day and eventually it paid off. It was hard work. People would tell me to pull myself together. Did they not know that I would of if I could??
I hope it gets better for you and if I can help you I will.
Love Christine

[pips]

Hi Caz mate,

Sorry to read you are so low at the moment.

I know I can't make it better for you. I wish I could hon. I can tell you that I understand though and am here if you need me.

As Sarah says maybe just take it one step at a time. Once you achieved someting write it down no matter how small at least you can look back and see that you sucseeded!

Any chance of you and your parter having a night out or in without the children? and spending some quality time for you!

Or even if you had the day to yourself be able to do what you wanted to do. Go and be pampered or pamper yourself!

You truly deseve a break mate so try to take one if you can! even if it's only a couple of hrs!

Try to remember the times when you did feel good or better even if these feeling only lasted a few minutes it's better then nothing.

I know how hard depression is and I don't feel 100% at the mo! You will beat it though! Sending you some positive vibes honey!

I hope you feel better soon

Take care thinking of you

Love Pip's XX

[jo-jo]

Hi there Caroline

So sorry to hear that you're feeling so rough at the moment. Only a year or so ago I too had the sort of depression that made me shut the world out, stop answering the phone, going to bed as soon as I came in from work and staying there until the next day. Don't worry honey, its just part of the whole depression thing and it does go away eventually, with a little work on your part.

Sounds to me you are simply exhausted - but just staying in bed doesn't actually help (I know, this sounds a bit odd). Try to get some time for yourself, or just for you and your partner and do something that's really fun and nice. Try to think back to some of the stuff you used to enjoy doing before you felt so bad - maybe even a little walk in the park, a good movie with loads of crisps and sweets, or a nice relaxing bath with a few candles. If you can't sleep and you're just lying in bed - DONT - get up and do something until you really do feel tired. My therapist told me that standing on one leg and reading Shakespeare can help (she meant it too :))

Also try to set yourself some small goals. You say that the house needs a good sort out, the garden needs doing etc. Well I know exactly how all of this piles up on top of you and makes you feel worse, but by taking it a step at a time, e.g. doing the kitchen one day, the living room the next, you can get all that stuff done and it helps you to feel good about yourself too.

Exercise is another great must. Its often the very last thing you feel like doing when you're down but there is lots of scientific research evidence to suggetst that exercise, even a brisk walk or a jog up and down the stairs, can help to release those feel good hormones and help you to feel better.

Last thing - you have made a great start by writing all those feelings down and you have certainly not lost the plot in the slightest. You just have totally loads on and its no wonder your coping resources are wearing thin, so don't be too hard on yourself.

Let us know how you're getting on - I can promise it won't always be like this.

Lots of love Jo xxx

[Caz Fab Pants]

Oh you girls, you're just too sweet!! [:I] I'm all choked up which for me is amazing because as I mentioned previously my medication has numbed my emotions and made it impossible to cry.

It really touched me to read your posts and although I've been worrying terribly that you all think I'm a slob who neglects her children, I am glad I wrote my down feelings.

Jo.m - I do set myself silly goals each day, like getting some washing done, loading dish washer and walking to school instead of taking car and I agree that it helps. Not sure about Shakespeare but I did read Jordon's biography out of curiousity in just 3days!!!

Pips - I do keep a journal of what I'm doing and when things start looking up maybe I'll have the guts to look back and read some of it.

Christine - Yes you definitely just keep going when you have children because you simply HAVE to. In a strange way, as tiring as they can be, I think they are my saving grace and give me reason to live.

Sarah - Too true. The BIG picture is just too much to tackle and my problem is I'm so impatient I want everything done at once. I'm very particular about things and I find myself focusing on small things around the house which seem to bug me imensely. I love interiour design and as I dont travel or go on holidays I get my 'change of scenery' by redecorating every 5minutes (much to my partners disapproval.) However I'm always struggling to stick within a budget and feel envious of all the people around me who seem to be moving to beautiful NEW houses.

Meg - My partner is lovely and although he doesn't do a great deal with regards to daily chores, he does put up with me and tries his best to make me laugh most days.

Elaine - I too had a busy job before I had the children and loved the fact that I was able to buy my own house and car and treat myself to clothes and make-up. These days I dont exactly take pride in my appearance as I'm too busy changing nappies, preparing food, ironing and all the other 'fun' housewifey stuff. Blimey, I'm only 30 and yet I feel 50!!

On a more positive note:-

You'll all be pleased to hear that last night I put the covers back on the three piece after washing and dying them. I then got kids bathed and into bed, polished the lounge, swept the wood floor and then wiped it over with my nifty flash wet wipe gadget. This meant I was able to sit and watch Big Brother in a toy free, clean and tidy lounge. :D

I also stayed awake when I got back from the school run this morning and am about to write a list of things I need to do over the weekend whilst my 5yr old is at his dads.

Right, baby is now hungry, 5yr old needs a weekend bag packed and washing in machine needs putting on radiators before it goes stinky.

Catch up soon.

Caroline (having a better day :))
x

[lainey]

Hi Caroline

Gosh, you sound so much better and positive today, I wish I had the motivation you seem to have for decorating. I get all these ideas in my head but that seems to be as far as I get. Never mind iv'e got 6 weeks off school now to do some sorting at home, Il ike you make lists of what to do and feel so much better when I have done them !!!

Take care chuckie

Speak soon

Elaine xxx

[Meg]

Good for you Caroline ..

Glad it all looks better today .

In your need to list - make something in there that you want to do not just have to do ..




Meg

Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind.
If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.
Robert Albert Bloch

[kate]

Hiya Caz,

I have just read your post and can completely understand how you have been feeling.

But wow, you did such a lot last night! Give yourself a big pat on the back, you deserve it!

Just another thought. You say that the garden needs doing. If we get some nice weather over the next few day, put baby in the buggy and let your 5 year old have a good run round in the garden.

You will all benefit from the fresh air and you will get your garden done as well!

Doing the garden always makes me feel good cos you then have a lovely outside area to sit in.

Finally, when I was feeling at my worst and the children were little, I used to take them for a walk round the block, anything to get a change of scenery!

Anyway, hope you are feeling a little better today

Love Kate x

[pips]

Hi Caz,

Well done hon. you did good! Glad to hear you are having a more positive day!

Take care

Love Pip's XX

[jo-jo]

Hi Caroline

So glad your feeling a little better:D

Have a great weekend now and don't forget to do something just for you.

Lots of love Jo xxx

P.s. was Jordan's book any good??

[Caz Fab Pants]

Well I haven't got very far with the list I was planning and its already saturday night but I'm hoping I will have a productive day tomorrow and tackle some jobs around the house.

Jo.m - I dont really know what I CAN do for me?? That probably sounds silly but I dont know what I enjoy anymore because its been so long since I've had any 'ME' time.
I'm so lacking in confidence that I'm scared to do most things I used to enjoy. Although I know that the time I spend at home worrying about doing something is nearly always worse than actually going out and doing it!

Pips - Thanks honey, I'm trying to soldier on and keep up with the outings.

Did my Tesco shop without any kids with me today which wasn't easy. I find having at least one of them with me is a good distraction and so when I got to the check out and just had to stand there my mind began ticking, then racing. I always go through the 'what excuse can I make if I need to run out' - forgotten purse, fake a call on my mobile. I then talk myself round by saying 'think how silly you'll look, people will think you're odd' and then I think about how hard it will be to shop in there the next time I need something. [Sigh...]

End result being, I got through it fine and then went on to buy 2mag's at the tabaco counter and flicked through them while I sat in the canteen. Never like to rush home until I've got through the bad feelings otherwise it just reinforces that being at home makes everything ok. Need to prove to myself that its nothing external that makes me feel panicky, its just the way I percieve them in my mind that makes me automatically react negatively.

Starting to worry a bit about the meet at Nic's but am determined to go.
:)
Caroline
x

[nomorepanic]

Hiya Caz

The meet at my house will be great but you are under no pressure to come. If you decide on the day that you can't make it then that is fine, we will all understand. Maybe I could come and see you if you can't get to me.

We look forward to it and I am sure you will be finw once you get there ok? I look forward to meeting you and we will all have a great chat won't we.

xx

Nicola

[jo-jo]

Hiya Caz

Hope you're feeling OK today - how was your weekend?

Maybe you could start being nice to yourself by getting some time just to be on your own for a hour and taking a walk in the park, or by pampering yourself in a hot bath with some lovely smellies, or maybe you could rent a real feelgood video (something like love actually, or even a great oldie like Dirty Dancing) and get lots of sweets and crisps and other rubbish and settle down after the kids have gone to bed to enjoy snuggling up on the sofa with a box of tissue, all your goodies and maybe a glass of wine??

Lots of love Jo xxxx

[Caz Fab Pants]

Well sadly things are up one minute and down the next. After my productive weekend spent clearing out junk and sorting out what to put in my yard sale I seem to have fallen back into old habits.

I just wrote a massive explanation as to why this is but deleted it because I don't want to bore the pants off you.

Here are the reasons in 5 simple sentences:-

1. 5yr old son with mild autism and ADHD
2. No life outside the family home due to agoraphobia
3. 6-7wk Summer holiday with no break from kids
4. Messy house and endless supply of dirty washing
5. Strain of 5yr old has stopped physical relationship with partner

Now if someone can give me the solutions for all the above in 5 easy steps I'll be very appreciative :D

Jo.m - I tell you what would make me happy, someone coming round to steam clean my carpet and giving me a full body massage but dont suppose I'll get round to organising either of them.

Nic - I will be at the meet because I've set my heart on it and its my only real goal which is just for ME.

Hope I haven't brought you all down with me.

Caroline :)
x

[lainey]

Hi Caroline

Sorry to hear you are not feeling so good, the thought of 6 weks summer holidays can seem quite daunting can't they ? Do you get any help with the children ? I'm glad you're going to the meet as it is something for you. My house is always in a state of chaos but iv'e decided the kids are young for such a short time i'm not going to get stressed this summer as i normally do, just go with the flow !!!

Take care chuck

Elainexxx

[Caz Fab Pants]

Elaine,

Wish I could take a leaf out of your book and not worry about the house. Trouble is I have 2sisters who are very house proud and a brother who lives in a penthouse appartment in London (which apparently is lovely but I'm not able to get there.)

It just seems that whenever I clean and tidy a room in the house within minutes, literally, that room gets trashed. Then there's the rooms that dont get used much which barely get touched (like the utility room) and they're just gross!

I've tried to get my 5yr old into a holiday scheme but because he has to have one to one adult supervision at all times its been impossible. The only scheme thats for children with special needs say he's not severe enough and therefore doesn't fit the criteria. So the only help I'll be getting will be from relatives and that wont be very often I'm sure.

I do get an allowance for my son which is useful and definitely helps but I'd much rather not get it and have a normal healthy child.

Good luck with your kids this holiday, how many do you have?

Caroline :)
x

[lainey]

Hi Caroline

I really feel for you are there no support groups you can contact with regards to your son? Children can be hard work at the best of times, I have 2, a son whose nearly 13 and a girl of 9 goung on 13 !!! lol. I have to tell you as they get older they get easier physically but harder mentally. I ahve never had help with the children as all our family are up north and we live in cardiff and my husband normally works in London. It's only when I look back to when they were younger and wonder how I coped that I realse I did cope, mostly on my own ! Ther is light at the end of the tunnel although it's harder for you as your son ha s special needs, but i'm sure there must be help u can get, I wil enquire for u as I am a school secretary and will ask our SENCO. As to the house I normally get very stressed when I ahven't claened or done the washing but I am trying really hard to ignore it although in a few days time i know i won't be able to. Take it one day ata time chuck and u will get there in the end.

Keep your chin up chuck

Take care

Elaine xxx