Squash
14-12-13, 19:59
Hi everyone
This is my story (so far) briefly.
I had had depression before but had taken anti-depressants and had felt better.
I had been trying for a baby for 2 years before I fell pregnant. I had wanted it so badly and for so long I was terrified that something was going to go wrong. I didnt enjoy the pregnancy at all and couldnt wait for it to be over. Had a horrible birth (wont go into that!!) and when my daughter was finally handed to me I didnt feel a bond with her. Over the next couple of days in hospital I felt awful, crying all the time when I was on my own but putting on a brave face in front of people. That was the start of my post natal depression. I would say to my husband that I didnt want to be her mum and that I had had enough but no one seemed to take me seriously. It took til she was 8 months for me to finally get the courage to ask for help. I was basically just given citalopram and told that was it and I would feel better soon.
Since then I have been on and off them over the past 4 and a half years, had counselling, self esteem course, stress and mood management and one on one CBT.
When my daughter was nearly 3 I reached a point where I couldnt cope and walked out on my husband and my daughter. He still has her full time and I see her at weekends.
I feel a complete failure as a mother and still have the feelings of guilt. I just dont feel like I will ever get better. I feel so lonely and dont feel I have anyone I can really talk to. I have no self worth and often feel that people would be better off without me (I would never do anything though).
I worry about getting older aswell and others around me. I panic that life is passing me by and all I want to do is turn back the clock but I cant.
Just need people that understand.
Sorry for the long post....
This is my story (so far) briefly.
I had had depression before but had taken anti-depressants and had felt better.
I had been trying for a baby for 2 years before I fell pregnant. I had wanted it so badly and for so long I was terrified that something was going to go wrong. I didnt enjoy the pregnancy at all and couldnt wait for it to be over. Had a horrible birth (wont go into that!!) and when my daughter was finally handed to me I didnt feel a bond with her. Over the next couple of days in hospital I felt awful, crying all the time when I was on my own but putting on a brave face in front of people. That was the start of my post natal depression. I would say to my husband that I didnt want to be her mum and that I had had enough but no one seemed to take me seriously. It took til she was 8 months for me to finally get the courage to ask for help. I was basically just given citalopram and told that was it and I would feel better soon.
Since then I have been on and off them over the past 4 and a half years, had counselling, self esteem course, stress and mood management and one on one CBT.
When my daughter was nearly 3 I reached a point where I couldnt cope and walked out on my husband and my daughter. He still has her full time and I see her at weekends.
I feel a complete failure as a mother and still have the feelings of guilt. I just dont feel like I will ever get better. I feel so lonely and dont feel I have anyone I can really talk to. I have no self worth and often feel that people would be better off without me (I would never do anything though).
I worry about getting older aswell and others around me. I panic that life is passing me by and all I want to do is turn back the clock but I cant.
Just need people that understand.
Sorry for the long post....