Weird trigger that I only noticed after being discharged from therapy

[harasgenster]

I should probably say that 'triggers' usually make me feel angry and defensive, rather than anxious, although I've been told the anger is kind of 'covering up' anxiety.

This is a weird trigger for me to start feeling angry, defensive, then self-loathing, then depressed...and I don't have a clue where it's come from. It's about people suggesting or expecting me to make myself more attractive - so wearing make-up, or wearing nice clothes, or putting any effort into my image at all. I'm ok when it's my idea to do it (sometimes I'm in the mood and then I enjoy it), but if it's somebody else's idea it makes me really angry. It's not just when people actually say it to me either, it's when I see it given as advice to anybody - for instance, on the internet. It still triggers the same reaction of anger, then eventually depression.

The reason it's so weird is because my parents never put me under pressure to 'look good'. I was a tomboy growing up. My mam would have preferred I wore pretty dresses, because she loves clothes, but she said from a very young age I showed no interest and much preferred wearing dungarees, so she just let me wear what I wanted. There was no pressure there at all. I then hung around with tomboys at school, who were very accepting of anything I wanted to wear and of however I wanted to look. No pressure again. I've never had any criticism from men, and no boyfriend has ever told me how to look (except one, but he was controlling in several ways, and I was like this before I met him) So why is this such a trigger for me? And more importantly, do you think it's possible for me to stop following this pattern of getting angry etc without knowing why I'm angry? I've only just noticed the pattern, to be honest. I've noticed that I get angry and depressed when reading certain newspaper or magazine articles, or surfing the web...it's whenever anything comes up about looking good. I don't consider myself to be particularly ugly, and certainly no one has ever called me ugly. I'm ok with the way I look. So I'm confused by this.

Sorry if this was long and vague, but I was wondering if anyone had any advice on how to tackle this? I don't want to be getting angry and upset everytime I see anything about 'improving yourself' or 'making yourself look better', because those kind of messages are everywhere!

Thanks

[PanchoGoz]

I am the same, I don't like people speaking to me about me. A guy in a club the other day came up to me and said "believe in yourself! You can be sexy if you want to be! You must accept love!" and unsuprisingly I was quite defensive as that's basically saying I don't look sexy but I should like everyone else. Even if he was trying to say it nicely and help me out. He wouldn't leave me alone after that, kep pouncing on me and telling me to believe in myself, it's like he wanted to fix me! We don't like others trying to fix us, but at the end of the day if it araises strong emotions like that perhaps we do know deep down we lack confidence in ourselves and we need to find strength.
On the other hand, why can't these people mind their own business, we can dress how we b***** want!

[harasgenster]

Thanks for your reply - and you're right that sounds really annoying!!

Do you think it's probably just a matter of confidence then? I think I'm getting overly upset about this stuff, it makes sense to get a bit annoyed sometimes but I totally overreact and it makes me feel really bad. I think that I'm doing things to improve my confidence, so perhaps it will get better as I go along.

I do have something about people telling me what to do - I can't stand it, but I think that might just be part of my personality rather than anxiety. It feels like it's a little separate from that, though. And I know I sometimes get sensitive because I feel different from other women (in that they're more naturally interested in their image than I am), so maybe sometimes this kind of thing makes me feel under pressure to pretend to be 'normal', if you see what I mean. Although I think I am normal because I'm sure there are loads of women like me, it's just not the idea that you get from reading magazines!

I'm being more assertive in general and I think as I build a bank of evidence that it's ok to tell other people how I think and feel, and that's it's ok to be myself, that will improve my self-confidence altogether.

[PanchoGoz]

Sounds about right to me! Be yourself and tell people how you feel about things is just about my philosophy! Self-confidence comes with experience, you can't think it higher. I'm probably a woman like you. For some reason I will not conform even if it is in my best interests and when it rains I will wear an ankle length wax coat when others my age are wearing skimpy superdry macs.
I think it's important not to think about "yourself" too much and try to work yourself out. At the end of the day, you are what people make of you and how you make them feel, I myself would like to make people feel happy and maybe attract one or two along the way for keeping!
It wouldn't do you harm to experiment with more makeup and stuff if that's what people have suggested, it may be a thing to add to your list of things that you've done whether it was good for you or not. But if you don't want to that's fine too.
As for why it affects you so deeply, well I suppose "an exposed nerve" is the right sort of area, it's something that is there and hurts when it's touched.

[harasgenster]

Thanks, and yeah I think maybe it's an exposed nerve because I always felt different from my peers when I was young, and now I notice that I don't behave in the same way as most women.

I do still like make-up, mind :) I don't wear it very often because I find it a little overkill - obviously that's just my opinion - so I feel too 'dressed up' wearing it on all but special occasions. I prefer it that way, though. That's the thing - I prefer it, it's my decision, but then I look around at girls my age and they wear it all the time and I think 'if I could just do that I'd look more attractive, and aren't I just wasting my life by not making the most of my youth while I have it?' - which is a bit of a silly argument, but then I feel like I'm putting myself under pressure to do something I'm not interested in just in case I'm wasting some kind of opportunity, or just in case I live to regret it. I think I just put myself under all kinds of too much pressure! Haha! I'm so much better than I was that I really think my confidence will just grow from here and issues like this won't matter anymore.

By the way, i've always had a bit of a problem with conforming, especially when I was a teenager - it was my worst nightmare back then! I always associated the idea of conforming with losing something from myself and that felt undignified and I didn't think I could really have any respect for myself if I gave in to any kind of pressure. My therapist told me that a lot of people who grow up feeling a bit different for whatever reason deliberately make a point of being different after a while because it's like 'owning' your difference. Maybe this also relates to you, I don't know.

Thank you for your help. x

[PanchoGoz]

Yes that does relate to me...I like owning my difference :D

[harasgenster]

Yes that does relate to me...I like owning my difference :D

Good for you...also, that guy in the club, you should be irritated by that, he was being REALLY patronising!!!