jca
15-12-13, 00:57
After hearing of Heath Ledger's death, I felt awkward about every decision I had ever made. Why was I still alive? I had nothing to offer. No characters to portray. No one to persuade. No one to sway. Nothing to prove. No one to be. All the times I should have, could have died... it would have meant nothing. Maybe made the local paper; in the obits. But, still, here I am intoxicated from wine and just swallowed an Ambien. I know I won't be able to type soon, nor write. So I'll try to get it all out now. I feel so guilty. I joined this site with hope. Or did I? Maybe I just wanted to be heard. Maybe I just wanted attention. The things I wrote about were and are all true. I have been sick to my stomach all weekend because I left my favorite number journal at work. I thought about carving the numbers into my skin. But I no longer live alone. That is too hard to hide. I'm all over the place. My boyfriend and I went to lunch with his cousin and his fiance. She barely eats. Nibbles here and there. Ordered a small appetizer as her meal and picked at it for an hour. She is so skinny. I wish I was that skinny. I wish I was sickly skinny. Is she sickly? Maybe. I am jealous. Why am I jealous? Yes, I do not want to be fat and jiggly. But, there's a gym that is 1.2 walking minutes away. I could frequent there. Every so often I do. And when it isn't snowing, I walk home form work. It's just over a mile. I feel so overcome with enthusiasm and calmness on days I walk home from work. All the stress that I earned while at work gets shook off well before I get home. i'm spending all of my money, not thoughtlessly, but carelessly. I have bought so many christmas presents. And still need to get more. But I shouldn't have bought all the ones I did! I don't have priorities. Other than to eat sometimes, sleep a lot of times, get wasted a lot... make people laugh, earn a pay check....
I stopped sleeping, a few weeks ago. I would fall asleep, normally, easily. But all night I would wake up for of questions, doubt, ideas, jokes, hunger... I would sleep maybe 2 hour a night. Then I would be so tired all day and unable to keep up with conversation, unable to keep up with who I am expected to be. The "star", the comedian, the idealist, that great girl who makes everyone feel so much better about being at work. I don't know how, but I have become "famous".. well know, sought out.... My company has maybe 400 employees at our site. They seek me out .. To ask what my daily poll is and to tell me they envy me. I was so tired. But i was being that person.
I mentioned my lack of sleep and headaches to my doctor. She's known me a year now. But never really heard the full story of why I am on fluoxetine. Without even knowing my history, she quickly agreed to up my dose. In fact, it was her idea. She's young. I think she wants to please. She thought since I had so much going on that I might need a sleep aid. It was her idea. I quickly declined. I mean, Heath Ledger OD'ed. I didn't want that shit. But after tuning her out for several minutes I blurted out "well, yeah, it would be good to get some sleep" ... i took it for a week. i slept great. i wasn't tired during the day. it was amazing. then my boyfriend aggressively told me about my kicking and grunting since taking it. My legs had started twitching and jerking and kicking. And i wasn't snoring, but worse! I was grunting. LOUD. once i knew it was interrupting his sleep, i started sneaking my ambien. and would say i hadn't taken it when i had. two nights ago, he all but begged me not to take it so he could get some sleep. so i didn't. but when we got up Friday morning to go to work... i couldn't go. i called out sick and took two ambien (throughout the day) and slept. I'm abusing it. I have to go for a mid med review in a few weeks. to talk about the ambien and some migraine medication she gave me to try to figure out if i have motion sickness or migraines. i should tell her. i LOVE the ambien. yes, it does it's intended duty. and that's fine. but also, just hanging out at home, I have drinks and one for fun.
where did this begin? I'm sure it should end. my numbers journal is 1.3 miles away .... i'd have to hike through snow and traffic to get to it. i'm all over
I stopped sleeping, a few weeks ago. I would fall asleep, normally, easily. But all night I would wake up for of questions, doubt, ideas, jokes, hunger... I would sleep maybe 2 hour a night. Then I would be so tired all day and unable to keep up with conversation, unable to keep up with who I am expected to be. The "star", the comedian, the idealist, that great girl who makes everyone feel so much better about being at work. I don't know how, but I have become "famous".. well know, sought out.... My company has maybe 400 employees at our site. They seek me out .. To ask what my daily poll is and to tell me they envy me. I was so tired. But i was being that person.
I mentioned my lack of sleep and headaches to my doctor. She's known me a year now. But never really heard the full story of why I am on fluoxetine. Without even knowing my history, she quickly agreed to up my dose. In fact, it was her idea. She's young. I think she wants to please. She thought since I had so much going on that I might need a sleep aid. It was her idea. I quickly declined. I mean, Heath Ledger OD'ed. I didn't want that shit. But after tuning her out for several minutes I blurted out "well, yeah, it would be good to get some sleep" ... i took it for a week. i slept great. i wasn't tired during the day. it was amazing. then my boyfriend aggressively told me about my kicking and grunting since taking it. My legs had started twitching and jerking and kicking. And i wasn't snoring, but worse! I was grunting. LOUD. once i knew it was interrupting his sleep, i started sneaking my ambien. and would say i hadn't taken it when i had. two nights ago, he all but begged me not to take it so he could get some sleep. so i didn't. but when we got up Friday morning to go to work... i couldn't go. i called out sick and took two ambien (throughout the day) and slept. I'm abusing it. I have to go for a mid med review in a few weeks. to talk about the ambien and some migraine medication she gave me to try to figure out if i have motion sickness or migraines. i should tell her. i LOVE the ambien. yes, it does it's intended duty. and that's fine. but also, just hanging out at home, I have drinks and one for fun.
where did this begin? I'm sure it should end. my numbers journal is 1.3 miles away .... i'd have to hike through snow and traffic to get to it. i'm all over