View Full Version : Relationship problems, please help!
Hey there,
I'm Phil, and I'm a 21 year old guy. I live with my Dad in Herts, and have problems with anxiety and depression, and have for a few years now.
I've been in what has become a very serious relationship for about the last 3 months with a girl who lives overseas. Incidentally, it's the first loving relationship I've been in, and she's the first girl I've ever slept with, or said "I love you" to. Because I do. I think. That's my problem. Basically, she comes over to stay with me for a week or so at a time, as I really don't feel ready to fly over to where she lives (Sweden).
She knows all about my anxiety and depression, and has always been very supportive and understanding about it since before we even got together.
The time before last when she came to visit me, I was going through a pretty good patch, and was so happy about her coming to stay. One of the problems that I have is that a lot of different emotions feel exactly the same to me - panic. Especially if I have something coming up in the future, I'll just feel sick and anxious, because I can't tell the difference between excitement and anxiety. They both feel the same. I got a new TV in the summer and was excited about it coming, and so was sick with anxiety day and night for a week before it turned up. However, on this occasion when she was coming, I felt excited, and HAPPY! I hadn't felt happy in so long I'd really forgotten what it feels like. My version of happy had basically become the absence of anxiety/depression, but in this case I was actually at the other end of the spectrum for once and it felt amazing. I remember seeing her in the airport, and I was so full of love and happiness I thought I'd burst. I involuntarily BEAMED with happiness. It was unreal. Then, the longer she stayed, the more i started feeling a bit disinterested in her, until I realised that she'd be going shortly, and I'd just start crying. It was so painful. In those moments I'd feel like I loved her, and didn't want her to leave. Then, she left again, and I went back to being on my own, and as time passed I realised that I didn't want to spend as long on the phone to her, and started to be less needy towards her (a trait of mine...).
The night before she arrived for her most recent visit I was in tears with confusion. If you'd asked me a month ago if I loved her, I'd have laughed at the question. Of course I do! Now, though, I don't know. I don't understand my thoughts or feelings anymore, and none of it makes sense to me. I think, basically, I'm trying to distance myself and protect myself because everytime I've seen her or spent time with her, she has to leave and go back to Sweden and it rips me in two. Everytime I feel good with her and happy, I always end up broken-hearted because she has to go and I'm alone again. I know all of this, and it makes sense, so I think that I do still love her even though sometimes I feel like I don't. That's the scary thing, I don't know what the truth is, because the only time I feel those loving impulses that I used to feel is when I'm crying my eyes out.
I don't know what to do. This most recent time she came, she was here for two weeks, and I was actually planning in my head how to break up with her. Then, the day came when she had to go, and again, I was in pieces the night before. Total wreck. Again, I felt like "Of course I love her!!". Then once she'd gone (3 days ago) I was totally destroyed. I spent the day with a friend and was ok, then when I was on my own again I completely lost it. Totally. Not panic though, like I'm used to. I just got so, so miserable. I was sobbing for over an hour, and felt like I would have cut off my hand if it would bring her back. Again, I felt like I loved her, and that my heart was breaking not having her there. I've never cried like that in my life, and it was so bad it scared me. The following night was the same, and just hearing her voice on the phone was enough to set me off, though I kepyt it under control. Later on I was so bad i got into bed with my Dad - when I told him the
Hi..
I had a long distance relationship for 3 uni years and what made it worse is that our relationship started 2 days before he left to go to uni. I live in Essex and my then boyfriend (now husband) lived in South Yorkshire. Okay, so its not as far as Sweeden but travelling it would take his 5 - 6 hours door to door, so not much difference to Sweeden! Anyway, when i first got with him i was *just* beginning to go out again after being housebound, and it was still very difficult being alone and would more often than not result in panic attacks.
Because of my *boyfriend* living so far away i would automatically go into "protection mode". I knew i liked/loved him alot, but living away from me and in the company of much younger, more attractive, articulate girls i would just assume he'd find someone else while he was there and our relationship wouldn't last until the next time i saw him.
I would ALWAYS try and jepordise what we had, just so i wouldn't end up getting hurt. I'd say stupid things and i would make him angry (in fact even NOW, i still think we won't be together for long because of him going off with someone else, we've been together 4 years in about 2 weeks and married 3!!!!!!!!!!).
I am a VERY insecure person, so i think whoever i am with, i would try and destroy in order to protect myself from getting hurt and because of my mental problems i'm surprised that he did stay with me!
I hope this of help...probably not.
Sarah
Duh....what i should have also mentioned is that them leaving after visiting us DOES GET EASIER! In the beginning i would be crying and upset for about 3 or 4 days just wondering the house and a panicky haze, but after a year of visits the pain of them leaving stopped. I now wish he'd go away more....LOL
(I NEVER visited him because of my agoraphobia either!)
Sarah
Sarah, That's of great help actually. I think that's pretty much what I'm doing. I'm convinced on some level that it isn't going to last, and that I'm going to get hurt, so I'm finding things to doubt about it so I can push her away. What alarms me so much is the fact that sometimes I feel like I don't love her. That's the worst thing, and it leaves me very confused as to what I actually want. If someone could say to me "It's totally normal, and I felt like I didn't love my significant other but it was all in my head etc etc" I feel like it would help me. I just want to be able to put this all down to me having trouble adjusting to a completely new kind of relationship. I want to love her. Or more accurately, I want to be brave enough to feel that love without assuming it will end in tears.
I think you just have to go with it.....because you DO want to love her, but love isn't something that should be forced. Love comes naturally, so if its meant to be...then it will be :)
I had days when i didn't know if i really wanted to be with him, because to be honest....living that far away, the odds were against us (plus my mental problems!!!).
Just relax into it... :)
Sarah
I agree with Sarah, don't be confused, you obviously do lover her and the negative feelings are more to do with your anx and depression rather than your true feelings. I have had the same thing and it almost killed off a relationship until I realised what was going on.
"Life's a roller-coaster and I am not strapped in"
Thanks to everyone so far. Anyone else got some input for me?
Anyone else? Just looking for a bit of reassurance, you know?
LickeyEndBlues
16-11-06, 09:41
Hi Phil
I hadn't noticed you post before so here is my two penneth worth. I am afraid I read what you were saying a slightly different way to Sarah and Red...so here goes.....
Obvious you have huge feelings of need and for what ever reason the Swedish girl has really brought those to the fore. Whilst you say you love her, I'm not sure if it is love for her as an individual or your need to love and be loved.
Something in you is telling you that the relationship should end and that has been growing through the 3 months. That suggests to me that it isn't the right realtionship for you. Also the fact that you are still asking in here, despite what Sarah and Red say says that there answers, whilst extremely valid are not the ones you want to hear.
I 'm not clear on how your realtionship began or how it developed to the stage where she travelled from Sweded to see you, so I am speculating that it may have been internet driven.
My feeling is that your need for a loving relationship meant you were vulnerable to the way things were developing. In your head your craving was being fed but in reality it wasnt being truely satisfied as your relationship developed. In developing your relationship you ended up in situations that were possibly all consuming where you saw her for long periods as opposed to a couple of hours. it may be that that was too much and became anti-climactic...it wasn't as good as you had wished.
The question you really have to ask yourself, Phil, is do you miss her or the feelings you had?
If it is "her" then really focus on what Red and Sarah said and you will eventually find a way through this.
If it is the "feelings", then maybe you need to get over this relationship with the knowledge that you are capable of feeling love and that now that you have an idea what it is like...it might be more accessible in the future.
Take care Phil and let us know how you get along. If I have said anything which you find totally wrong please let me know (as with you Sarah and Red)
Iain
(speaking from the experience of thinking I was in love with someone but I was really in need to be loved by the right person)
Laissez les bon temp roulez
Hi Phil,
My dilemma is different to yours but a bit the same, if that makes sense.
I have recently split up with my husband (we were together 12yrs and have 2 children). 75% of my marriage was good but there was that 25% that wasn't, ie he had an affair, got a bad temper, I lost a baby last year and he left me at hospital to give birth on my own....loads more. Anyway, eventually after him walking out on us again I decided enough was enough and I moved away from our home (he had gone to his moms) changed the kids school and rented a house 20mins up the motorway from where we lived. Since then he has not tried to get me back (then again he never has, even after the affair I did all the running) and for the first two weeks I was in bits. Then, I met this lovely man and thought I had fell in love, properly this time and thought all my feelings for my husband had gone. I was excited to see the new guy and and thought all my problems were over. Then suddenly, WHAM, all the emotions I felt for my husband and all the other things that have happened in my life came back and now I'm back to being in turmoil. I feel I need to see my husband face to face to know what my true feelings are, but he won't even speak to me. I had always been a good wife to him but in his eyes I am an evil heartless bitch, which all of my friends say that I'm not. I feel like I am now, though because of the new guy. He genuinely loves me and he is going to get hurt. I hadn't seen for the 3days and saw him on Monday and had all the excitement then I saw him again Tuesday and I didn't want him near me?? What is that about???
If you need to talk I'll be here for you, don't get on line much because I haven't got internet yet at my new house, but I will reply if you PM. I am quite a bit older than you but feel like I'm a teenager. People that know me on here know what I've been through and this is now tipping me over the edge.
Take care,
Linda.
I broke up with her a few hours ago. It was very tearful, and ultimately the most awful thing I've ever done. She genuinely loves me very much, and is truly heartbroken. I feel incredibly guilty, though ever since I decided to take this path, I've felt a lot better than I did. I really don't think I'm strong enough for the kind of relationship she wants right now.
To be honest, my only worry is how badly she's taking it. If I could take it from her and feel it for her then I would. I don't love her like she loves me, but that doesn't mean I don't care about her. She's only 17 (I'm 21), so hopefully in time she'll be ok, and until then I'll do whatever I can.
Thanks for all the posts, guys.
Phil
goingmadder
26-08-09, 10:27
Hi Phil,
I don't want to confuse the issue any further but just in case someone reads this post who is actually suffering Relationship OCD i fel tit important to differenciate.
My ROCD builds up and comes in waves, like anxiety and depression, some boughts last for minutes while others can last for weeks...
In the past, the analysing of my emotions led me to question my ability to love and doubt whether i was deserving of love. Realising I was questioning whether or not i loved the person I was with convinced me the answer was no which would then spiral causing all sorts of negative emotions the worst of which was guilt.
If anyone is reading this and feels they are questioning their love for their partner, please don't jump to conclusions. Some of what was mentioned by others on here at the begining of the post makes lots of sense like how we subconciously want to protect ourselves by convincing ourselves the relationship won't last thereby preparing ourselves for WORST CASE SCENARIO.
On the other side of the spectrum sometimes it's not about protecting ourselves but punishing ourselves. Having suffered Trauma/abuse in the past can lead us to beleive it was our own fault, feelings of responsibility and deep shame can cause us to punish ourselves by sabotaging any good thing that enters our lives.
Going back to the protection side of things.... Our mind can cause us to shut down emotionally to protect us. The main problem with this is that in order to not feel pain we also can not feel love. If our brain blocks out emotion it blocks out all emotions...
In times of extreme pressure, or a BIG FIGHT for example our brain may decide you can't handel the situation emotionally so shuts down. This can cause bigger problems because it can appear to outsiders that you suddenly appear very indifferent to the situation like you don't care. Its not that you don't care, its that you brain has temporarily taken away your ability to care in order to stop you from breaking.
It happens in lots of situation for example in times of grief you can become totally numb...
Becoming numb makes us feel guilty and confused because we are used to the "NORM" if you love you feel love, if you're happy you feel happy... but thats not necessarily how it works...
The guilt can drive you insane and push you towards confessing your loss or lack of love to your partner which can then cause a break up that wasn't necessary.
I'm not saying its like this for ALL CASES... But it is more common than I ever realised.
You feel guilty you start feeling like they deserve better than you that you are evil and twisted and this goes on and on til you can no longer handel the intense constant anxiety in your body you suddenly decide to end it ... the anxiety subsides you decide thats a sign that the breaking up is the right decision since it's made you feel better ...
ITS NOT.!!!
The decision to break up has merely calmed you nerves because you're feeding the need for you to feel better because you think by breaking up with them you are doing them a favour ...
The reality is that You do love your partner but you Automatic Negative Thoughts have caused you to analyse too much and caused you too feel FAKE EMOTIONS.
Again its not the case for everyone but for those of you who are suffering this.. Please, Do not jump the gun...
By ending the relationship you may feel better for a short while but the ROCD will happen again and again in every relationship you have until you decide no more.
The way through it is to remind yourself its ROCD, remind your self its anxiety, remind yourself it will pass and make a Concious decision that no matter how bad it gets you will not give in and break up, decide boundries in your head of what situations constitue a break up, for example infidelity... use the list as a reminder that unless one of those things happen you will not end the relationship ....FLOW THROUGH THE NUMBNESS. Fill your head with counter thoughts, if you suddenly think I don't love him/her tell yourself you do... If your brain is gonna bombard you with negative thoughts, imagine it's an annoying mother in law you can answer back to.. you don't love him, YES I DO!...
In my case I question my abilty to love and be loved in almost every relationship, including my own kids. Its ridiculous and I wish I understood it better I wish there was a pill i could take that would make it go away... sincer there isn't I am fighting it...
I hope everyone has a better day and remember this too shall pass,
XX
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