Help!

[flatterycat]

Over the years I've posted on and off this site with a range of anxiety issues - the majority being based on health anxiety. I know all the right things to do to move on from this awful place but just can't seem to do it. I've read all the books, advice had cbt etc etc. I go through phases where I am pretty much anxiety free then I get a bout and am floored.

Since having my little girl 4 and a half years ago the health anxiety has gotten worse and is with me pretty much all the time to some degree or other. I think it's the fact that I have more to lose now that I have her in my life. Sometimes (and I'm ashamed to admit this) it is easier to be at work so that I am not reminded of what I could lose if I were ill.

I have chosen, on numerous occasions, to search google for my symptoms rather than spend quality time with her and my lovely husband. Each time I get over one fear about my health I believe I getting closer to the time that it really does turn out to be real. I mean - how many times can I get away with being ok? My relationships at home are suffering because of health anxiety and each time I feel ok I endeavour to not let it get in my way again, but then I have something worrying and it all goes out the window.

I have read the posts on here by people like Skippy, Andrea and Fishman and completely get what they are saying - it all makes complete and utter sense, BUT I can't apply it to myself. I downloaded Skippy's book and read things that were 'me' all over but yet again I can't move forward. I continue to make the same mistakes.

On Friday night I was feeling quite relaxed and happy after a week at work. I got into a bath with a glass of wine when I was hit by awful sharp stabbing pains in my head on the left side. This was then followed by awful pain that came in waves on the top, left side of my head. It was horrid. I instantly googled and now think I either have a brain tumour or Brain haemorrhage. My reasoning? The fact that I have not experienced a headache like this before. Everything I read said get to the docs if you experience a new type of headache. I went to out of hours docs. He gave me an examination, looked behind eyes, tested my pupils, did blood pressure etc He said it was highly unlikely that it was a brain haemorrage. My reaction? "Highly unlikely - so there is a chance? OMG. Was he even a decent doctor, I mean, he works in a walk in centre - don't the doctors who can't get jobs in real surgeries work in them?" And this is how it continues...

Today I woke up and found that the pains in my head have stopped, but I am waiting for them to return. I have spent all morning googling brain tumours and because I get a lot of pins and needles in my feet and hands I have found even more evidence to support my fears. I dismiss all evidence that points away from my fears but still look hoping to find that elusive page which will tell me 100% that I do not have a tumour or that I haven't had a brain hemorrage. I had an mri of my head and neck 3 and a half years ago and it was fine (apart from an incidental finding of a hemangioma, which is nothing to worry about) but of course that was a very long time ago, so I can't use that for reassurance.

I don't know why I am writing. I am so envious of people like Skippy who can move to acceptance. When my anxiety first struck 25 years ago I read Claire weeks and ever since I have ALWAYS known that the only way forward is to accept uncertainty. But, what an ask that is. I have this terrible fear that the day I let go will be the day that something really does happen - almost like I am inviting it in. I am 45 and a full time teacher and love my job. People who know me think I am the most confident and strong minded person - when they hear I am anything but they are always surprised. I just want to move away from living like this, to enjoy my life and not spoil everything good that happens because I of this fear.

Sorry for the long post.

Sarah x

[pearl79]

A brilliant post, I am where you are too. feel free to message me. My names sarah by the way xxxx

[Tanner40]

Flattery Cat, I have been where you are now. The headachesm the extreme fear that is ever chugging, the googling, the feeling of just knowing that if I were a cat, my nine lives would be up.

I used to be great at giving advice to others but unable to walk the walk myself. I finally became more afraid of living a miserable life that was filled with fear than I was of dying. I had to learn to accept and to trust. Trust myself, trust the experience and hope of someone else on this forum, trust my physician. Trust in some sort of a higher power.

Acceptance didn't happen overnight, no matter how many books I read. Acceptance started with changing one thought pattern, one day at a time. Acceptance started with not googling anymore, at least for today. Acceptance started for working through one fear on a particular day. Acceptance started from having a setback and saying, "I don't care. It will be better tomorrow".

Even when I felt horrible, I would try to post something positive. I would try to find one positive thing out of my day and dwell on that, instead of dwelling on a symptom.

It didn't just come. It was hard work, this acceptance idea. I'm still a work in progress. I find that if I work on it every day, it gets easier and my life gets better. Good luck to you on your journey.

[Raphaels]

I am also with you. I think a great deal of people are in the same position as we are. Usually I'm level headed and outgoing but when the HA takes over I behave as a child. I'm a business woman, yet right now there is no way I could go back to it. It's the thoughts that Huey us. As for letting go, I'm afraid that if I do something bad will happen. So I know where your coming from.

[pearl79]

Tanner you give wise advise. I always follow yours and fishmans posts xxxxxxxx

[Tanner40]

Thank Pearl. Now if I could only listen to my own advice all of the time. :)

[pearl79]

I wish I could listen to any bodies advice. Im physically and mental exhausted. Hate this rut im in urgh xx

[flatterycat]

Thanks for responding.

I can't ever imagine being able to accept the worse. How people do I just don't know. Then I think about being alive at 80 and wishing I had enjoyed my life and not spent so much time in fear. I have friends who are referred for tests etc and, whilst they may be a little bit worried, it doesn't stop them getting on with life, even with a smile.

[Raphaels]

Hi , from what I have read its one of the thoughts of anxiety. Is wishing to be like others. I do it all the time. I'm envious of women who have embraced life by the googlies and live it to the full. Carol Vordemam comes to mind. I do have great regard for her but I get angry when I see her. It's just envy. Do you know something I think were all brilliant on this forum.. If they had these issues they wouldn't cope as we do. So praise for us all on this forum.

[cpe1978]

I think Skippy sums it up well. You need to be more fearful of a life not lived than the fear of dying. Then the great news is that the first one you are able to do a great deal about.

I think Tanner has put it far more eloquently than I can, and also I am not there yet, I still have moments and spend too much time still thinking about my health. But it is less and less panicky so that is fine for now.

What worked for me was having a plan. A number of tools and a better understanding of the psychological mechanisms at play. When I understood that at an intellectual level then I was able to think about how I might tackle it. It is baby steps with plenty of stumbles but I know that most people don't live like that so it gives me something really clear to work towards.

You'll get there.

[summersun]

First ever post on this site, but I can totally relate to you. I have wasted hours and hours of my life having a meltdown about health issues, every pain is terminal. I cant even go to the doctors as I am terrified of tests and results, so I stay with google going round in one big vicious circle! I am an outwardly confident, no worries person, if only that was really me! This site has been my crutch for many years and helped me through many a crisis and what helped the most is seeing written down by others, thoughts that I thought were only mine. My family laugh at me in a kind way and I laugh with them knowing I sound ridiculous, but I still cant seem to change my ways. Think I have had every disease known to man!! Please feel free to pm message me too! :D

[jimbobrooney]

Good post summer sun

How are you these days ?

[hadenough]

I am in the same position, I read posts by all the positive people on here and try and get what theyre saying but Im still finding it impossible to apply it to myself. I want more than anything to stop living life like this (its not a life anyway).

I cant even explain things properly but what I want to understand is what do you do if youre sure in yourself that there is something physically wrong and you havent had all the tests but the gp says they are not worried and its down to anxiety.

I have taken one small step in the right direction though and havent googled for 3 weeks, to be honest Im more scared of what I will read so I dont see me doing it again.

had

[jimbobrooney]

Have you ever spoken to the doctor about meds?

[hadenough]

Yes am on meds, have had a lot of med changes this year because either they werent working or the side effects were so bad.

[rb1978]

Great post...made me want to cry reading it as I really do get where you're coming from.

I know people - colleagues and friends - who have found cures, gone through cbt and now feel great. I know the theory and how you have to change how you respond to symptoms and accept uncertainty etc but I just can't seem to apply it to myself. I can even give advice to other people at times but can't seem to help myself.

Like other people have said, I just can't seem to accept symptoms and treat them as though they are just uncertainty or anxiety; how on earth do you do that when you think this time it might be the illness you're terrified of?

[hadenough]

You put it so much better than me.

[flatterycat]

Thanks all for your responses.
It's definitely the big one - acceptance and living with uncertainty.
I read the post by Skippy about the 'Insurance man' and it really hit home; however, once again it's taking the bull by the horn and putting it all into practice. Every time I get the all clear I feel great for 5 minutes and promise myself that if everything turns out ok this time I will change my behaviours. This works great until the next pain, weird symptom etc and I go back to the vicious circle I'm currently in.

Sarah x

[hadenough]

Im the same, when Im sitting in the gp's surgery and she tells me its all down to anxiety I feel great but not long after I get home the doubts start creeping in, I get so angry with myself.

[summersun]

I think I have accepted that I will always be this way to a degree, my aim is not to let it take over my life so much and try to have more rational thoughts, (easier said than done!) If I could stop googling that would be a start!!:D