flatterycat
15-12-13, 13:17
Over the years I've posted on and off this site with a range of anxiety issues - the majority being based on health anxiety. I know all the right things to do to move on from this awful place but just can't seem to do it. I've read all the books, advice had cbt etc etc. I go through phases where I am pretty much anxiety free then I get a bout and am floored.
Since having my little girl 4 and a half years ago the health anxiety has gotten worse and is with me pretty much all the time to some degree or other. I think it's the fact that I have more to lose now that I have her in my life. Sometimes (and I'm ashamed to admit this) it is easier to be at work so that I am not reminded of what I could lose if I were ill.
I have chosen, on numerous occasions, to search google for my symptoms rather than spend quality time with her and my lovely husband. Each time I get over one fear about my health I believe I getting closer to the time that it really does turn out to be real. I mean - how many times can I get away with being ok? My relationships at home are suffering because of health anxiety and each time I feel ok I endeavour to not let it get in my way again, but then I have something worrying and it all goes out the window.
I have read the posts on here by people like Skippy, Andrea and Fishman and completely get what they are saying - it all makes complete and utter sense, BUT I can't apply it to myself. I downloaded Skippy's book and read things that were 'me' all over but yet again I can't move forward. I continue to make the same mistakes.
On Friday night I was feeling quite relaxed and happy after a week at work. I got into a bath with a glass of wine when I was hit by awful sharp stabbing pains in my head on the left side. This was then followed by awful pain that came in waves on the top, left side of my head. It was horrid. I instantly googled and now think I either have a brain tumour or Brain haemorrhage. My reasoning? The fact that I have not experienced a headache like this before. Everything I read said get to the docs if you experience a new type of headache. I went to out of hours docs. He gave me an examination, looked behind eyes, tested my pupils, did blood pressure etc He said it was highly unlikely that it was a brain haemorrage. My reaction? "Highly unlikely - so there is a chance? OMG. Was he even a decent doctor, I mean, he works in a walk in centre - don't the doctors who can't get jobs in real surgeries work in them?" And this is how it continues...
Today I woke up and found that the pains in my head have stopped, but I am waiting for them to return. I have spent all morning googling brain tumours and because I get a lot of pins and needles in my feet and hands I have found even more evidence to support my fears. I dismiss all evidence that points away from my fears but still look hoping to find that elusive page which will tell me 100% that I do not have a tumour or that I haven't had a brain hemorrage. I had an mri of my head and neck 3 and a half years ago and it was fine (apart from an incidental finding of a hemangioma, which is nothing to worry about) but of course that was a very long time ago, so I can't use that for reassurance.
I don't know why I am writing. I am so envious of people like Skippy who can move to acceptance. When my anxiety first struck 25 years ago I read Claire weeks and ever since I have ALWAYS known that the only way forward is to accept uncertainty. But, what an ask that is. I have this terrible fear that the day I let go will be the day that something really does happen - almost like I am inviting it in. I am 45 and a full time teacher and love my job. People who know me think I am the most confident and strong minded person - when they hear I am anything but they are always surprised. I just want to move away from living like this, to enjoy my life and not spoil everything good that happens because I of this fear.
Sorry for the long post.
Sarah x
Since having my little girl 4 and a half years ago the health anxiety has gotten worse and is with me pretty much all the time to some degree or other. I think it's the fact that I have more to lose now that I have her in my life. Sometimes (and I'm ashamed to admit this) it is easier to be at work so that I am not reminded of what I could lose if I were ill.
I have chosen, on numerous occasions, to search google for my symptoms rather than spend quality time with her and my lovely husband. Each time I get over one fear about my health I believe I getting closer to the time that it really does turn out to be real. I mean - how many times can I get away with being ok? My relationships at home are suffering because of health anxiety and each time I feel ok I endeavour to not let it get in my way again, but then I have something worrying and it all goes out the window.
I have read the posts on here by people like Skippy, Andrea and Fishman and completely get what they are saying - it all makes complete and utter sense, BUT I can't apply it to myself. I downloaded Skippy's book and read things that were 'me' all over but yet again I can't move forward. I continue to make the same mistakes.
On Friday night I was feeling quite relaxed and happy after a week at work. I got into a bath with a glass of wine when I was hit by awful sharp stabbing pains in my head on the left side. This was then followed by awful pain that came in waves on the top, left side of my head. It was horrid. I instantly googled and now think I either have a brain tumour or Brain haemorrhage. My reasoning? The fact that I have not experienced a headache like this before. Everything I read said get to the docs if you experience a new type of headache. I went to out of hours docs. He gave me an examination, looked behind eyes, tested my pupils, did blood pressure etc He said it was highly unlikely that it was a brain haemorrage. My reaction? "Highly unlikely - so there is a chance? OMG. Was he even a decent doctor, I mean, he works in a walk in centre - don't the doctors who can't get jobs in real surgeries work in them?" And this is how it continues...
Today I woke up and found that the pains in my head have stopped, but I am waiting for them to return. I have spent all morning googling brain tumours and because I get a lot of pins and needles in my feet and hands I have found even more evidence to support my fears. I dismiss all evidence that points away from my fears but still look hoping to find that elusive page which will tell me 100% that I do not have a tumour or that I haven't had a brain hemorrage. I had an mri of my head and neck 3 and a half years ago and it was fine (apart from an incidental finding of a hemangioma, which is nothing to worry about) but of course that was a very long time ago, so I can't use that for reassurance.
I don't know why I am writing. I am so envious of people like Skippy who can move to acceptance. When my anxiety first struck 25 years ago I read Claire weeks and ever since I have ALWAYS known that the only way forward is to accept uncertainty. But, what an ask that is. I have this terrible fear that the day I let go will be the day that something really does happen - almost like I am inviting it in. I am 45 and a full time teacher and love my job. People who know me think I am the most confident and strong minded person - when they hear I am anything but they are always surprised. I just want to move away from living like this, to enjoy my life and not spoil everything good that happens because I of this fear.
Sorry for the long post.
Sarah x