View Full Version : Struggling today
jimbobrooney
16-12-13, 13:59
Hey guys
Had a poor day yesterday and has led on to today. I have spent much of my time at work reading about cancer statistics and also reading about is it painful to die from cancer.
I reliase this is the worst thing to do but just feeling that I am 33 now and maybe i wont have a nice old age - maybe i will die from cancer at 50 . Cant get the thoughts out of my head
Very low at the moment
Oh Jim,
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.
I'm in the midst of a minor HA relapse myself so I can't tell you how to make it better but all I can say is ride it out. This too shall pass.
Cancer is my own big button fear - is it the one you tend to fear the most?
jimbobrooney
16-12-13, 14:03
yes for sure. I know that heart disease is the no 1 killer and my dad died from heart failure but i cant get the cancer thing out of my head .
Feeling terrified of what death would be like , some people say its painful wheras others say its peaceful.
Not doing my usual fun things lilke watching football . Not feeling much interest in anything to be honest. It feels like depression , not sure how to snap out of it
I don't think it's possible to just snap out of it to be honest, all I am able to do is ride it out or try distraction and over time it becomes easier.
I'm not sure whether this will help or hinder, and I obviously only have my personal experience and don't speak for all circumstances, but I was with someone through the last months of cancer until their death and while it was not nice, there was such good palliative care available that he wasn't in much pain at all.
Not that you need to be thinking about it. The odds are well in your favour that you wont get it and even if you do, that you wont die from it.
Go youtube some of your favourite football moments and be kind to yourself.
jimbobrooney
16-12-13, 14:15
Thanks katesa - thats very helpful.
Im going through some kind of morality crises brought on by HA. Not sure if its related to the really dark days here at the moment , i am getting almost no sunlight, might buy one of those lamps
Im getting married next august to a wonderful woman and have everything to live for. Children etc / fun times
Googled anti cancer stuff over the weekend of course and found all the foods to eat so i am eating those today and of course i feel down over that cos i have gone cold turkey from things i like e.g. coffee etc. This is probably a bad idea
Sounds like you've got too much time on your hands. You need to find a distraction that occupies your mind 100% and isn't health related. What this distraction is varies from person to person but the best ones are the ones which make you get out of the house and interact with people on a regular basis.
jimbobrooney
16-12-13, 14:33
skippy - i think you are right. My current job is quiet a lot of the time and i have full internet access which isnt good.
Same situation as me then...which was a HUGE problem for me a few years ago as I couldn't keep off Dr Google, but now it's fine. Don't worry you will get better. Can you go and have a long conversation with someone?
jimbobrooney
16-12-13, 14:57
well , im signing up to meet a psychologist or do you mean a family member ?
I think Skippy just means to go and have a chat with someone now to take your mind away from your own fears (sorry if I misunderstood Skippy)
I have noticed that a lot of us with HA seem to get worse when we get more to lose Jimbob - I for example only got really bad after marrying the man of my dreams and having a gorgeous, wonderful baby and living the life I have always dreamed of. I think if we were all miserable we'd be happy :D
jimbobrooney
16-12-13, 15:21
Yeah it seems that way. I often feel that life cant be this good and there will have to be a tragedy somewhere along the way.
just cant get over it today and feel like im slipping down into a black hole
I know I'm sounding like a parrot but just ride it out mate. Distract yourself the best you can and try to tell yourself that, twisted as it sounds, you only feel this way because you have so much to lose and so you are blessed to have so much. Think of those wonderful things you have, know that the odds are very much in your favour that you will live to enjoy them for many many years and avoid google like hell for the rest of the day. It will pass, I promise.
jimbobrooney
16-12-13, 15:30
But this issue will have to be faced at some stage in the future (unless i die suddenly) , that thought at the back of my mind makes it hard to just forget about it
And that's why I don't say forget about it. I know that when I' was in the midst of my lung cancer fears, telling me to forget about it was like telling me to skip up to the moon - I just couldn't do it no matter how much I willed it.
Until you see your therapist, you just have to try as hard as you can to recognise your thoughts for what they are - an illogical chemical reaction to your feelings of having too much to lose, of feeling too lucky - that you have no reason to believe have any merit.
jimbobrooney
16-12-13, 16:29
Ok - going to GP in morning as i feel i need something (maybe an anti depressant) and meeting pyschologist at 12
Very very bad day
I have never taken medication before but i feel right at this time that i will break down if i dont do something pro-active to help
I just want my life back
---------- Post added at 16:29 ---------- Previous post was at 15:42 ----------
am i correct to go on the meds ? I worry that they may change my life for the worse
Well, just my experience but I tried various meds and found that simple beta blockers worked best for me - they aren't mind altering or addictive but they kept me physically calmer. So as a short term solution they are great for me.
A lot of people find other meds very helpful. I think that many of them can make things a little worse for a week or two but that can be countered with short term use of a low dose of diazepam. Your doctor can go through the pro's and con's of each one and help you decide what will work best for you.
Remember that you don't have to take any of them forever - if you find they are making things worse you simply don't have to take them any more (although I always advise getting the support of your GP to quit meds)
If you are really scared maybe you could hold off and speak to the psychologist tomorrow first? They will have huge experience with it and who knows, maybe your first visit will make you feel you are doing that pro-active thing and you decide you don't need meds?
jimbobrooney
16-12-13, 16:42
well im not scared and my wife wants me to take them. Its just that i dont want to take them and then regret it
Well I never regretted it. One of the meds didn't work out for me, I was way too spaced out on them and didn't like them at all. But it was quite a simple process to go to my GP and switch to simple Beta-blockers which worked a lot better.
Meds can have side affects and some of them can cause problems when you stop taking them if you have been taking them for a long time. But a good doctor can help minimise or even entirely avoid both of these issues.
If you have a good doctor, they won't give them to you unless they think they will help you anyway and they will start you on the lowest and therefore least addictive/side affect inducing dose so a trial shouldn't have any major negative impact. My own issues only started when the dose got upped.
jimbobrooney
16-12-13, 16:54
ok thanks katesa
Appreciate all the help
I feel i need them now
No problem at all. Come and give me a kick next time I have a relapse, ok?
I hope you feel better soon - let me know how it goes and what you decide x
I'm not going to give you the old dr google lecture because every single one of us had probably been there and we all know it's bad and only bad things come from it , I also fear cancer massively and if I could I would have every test under the sun and still probably wouldn't be satisfied , have you seeked any help ? I researched health anxiety specialists in my area and found a qualified therapist that specialises in health anxiety , I've booked my first appointment to go see her , hopefully you could do the same or go and have a chat with your gp x
Hey Jimbo,
I've had both heart attacks and cancer and let me tell you. IT SUCKS! ~lol~ No lying about that! But let me tell you something else. IF it happens, you'll deal with it. What choice do you have? I've always loved life but I can tell you that I appreciate it more now having experienced nearly dying. Read my signature. That's some truth right there!
In the mean time, as many have said, seek help in dealing with your anxiety. There's too much living to do to be worried about dying.
You have an illness just like I did. The biggest difference between them is one can bury you six feet under and the other will bury you above ground.
Positive thoughts.
jimbobrooney
16-12-13, 18:24
Going to gp in morning abd then to private pyschologist after lunch
I would like a light anti depressant from gp to see if it helps and then talk it out with a therapist
It's more than HA for me though, it's light depression the more I think of it which can lead to bad anxiety ( only other time I sufferered this was in winter 09) so I reckon the winter and lack of sun light makes it worse and triggers it
I have decided that using a light med to get me back to my own self isn't a bad thing . I need help do will use all channels available
---------- Post added at 18:24 ---------- Previous post was at 18:02 ----------
Katesa - after spending that time with the person who died from cancer . Did it not change your view on cancer and be less afraid if it because it wasn't a painful death ?
There are worse ways to due like drowning / burning / brain diseases etc
It was never the painful death part that scared me Jimbob.
The person who died was my fiance. He had a very rare form of cancer that very very rarely affects people as young as he was.
I didn't have the time to worry for myself when I was looking after him. But a while after he died, I started having survivors guilt - I felt that he had been so much more worthy of a long life than me, so if it happened to him, it was only justice that it would happen to me (it took psychotherapy for me to understand that part of it)
Added that, having witnessed that "1 in a million", I lost all sense of perspective and lost my ability to look at the statistics in a reasonable way.
jimbobrooney
16-12-13, 18:59
Dear god. Do sorry to hear that. It must have been awful for you
If you aren't scared of a painful death then why is cancer a bad one for you ?
If you aren't scared of a painful death then why is cancer a bad one for you ?
Hey Jimbob...
I can answer that as the treatment I went through was excruciating (next to bone cancer treatment, the worst). It was only 7 months ago but I can honestly say I don't remember the pain. Maybe a woman who's had a child can chime in as I heard it's similar in that it's the most pain you've ever experienced but you don't really remember it (or you wouldn't do it again!)...Besides I was on so many pain meds I was delirious anyway.
Positive thoughts
jimbobrooney
16-12-13, 19:19
Sounds tough fish man. The two of ye have been through a lot, ye deserve credit for coming here to help people.
Fiancé is getting upset with me so gp first thing in the morning and I will do whatever he says
Good question jimbob.
I think my fear was/is simply dying before I've lived and cancer was the thing that I saw kill someone. Therefore, it was the thing that would get me. Immediately after my then-Fiance died, I also felt a lot of responsibility to try and live for the two of us and do the things he didn't get to do, but at the same time I was sure that the same illness would come and get me too. Sounds weird I know.
I used to be scared of dying before I'd known real happiness and life. Then it was dying before having a child. Now it's dying before that child grows up and leaving my husband before we've had chance to do some of the things we want.
The ironic thing was that my HA and depression issues were stopping me living anyway. It caused my husband hours of misery as well as me.
Well done on having such a great attitude to dealing with this. You may not believe that you do, but trust me you certainly have.
jimbobrooney
16-12-13, 20:32
Good post. I think it could actually help me if I spent time with old people in nursing homes to get their perspective. If they had the opinion that they were old and ready to go then I think it would help me enormously
Of course it wouldn't help the fear of dying young
Back from running 2k in the gym and relaxing in the steam room. Feel better. How do you release that feeling when you need it most !
jimbobrooney
17-12-13, 14:26
went to doctor this morning, felt very good in waiting room so didnt nearly go in. Had a good chat with him. Gave me prescription for 37 mg Effexor as he doesnt want me sliding down any further. ALso gave me number for a group therapy local place here so i have emailed them. I would prefer talking to a group and listening to their stories rather than just 1:1 . Deep down i feel like i want to help people so this group thing could really help.
ALso told me to take a sun holiday :-)
Have the meds in my hand and not sure if i will take them or not , i find it so hard to decide. I have my cousin who is on meds for 10 years saying they didnt really help even though he was a self harmer 10 years ago and is now mostly ok, i have my mother saying dont take them and i have my fiance saying to take them and see
Anyone taken these?
Just had chat with cousin there and he said not to take them again, all sorts of side effects. He reckons talking is the only answer
---------- Post added at 14:26 ---------- Previous post was at 11:26 ----------
anyone guys ?
Hiya mate,
Sorry I didn't notice this - got a bit preoccupied. Squeakiest wheel gets the oil sometimes, eh?
Anyway there are pro's and con's to taking meds. If it was me and my doctor had OK'd it, I would probably try them on the understanding that I will stop the second anything seems "off" and seeing them as only a short term solution to get me through until my therapy kicks in.
Your group therapy sounds like a great idea (as does the holiday - can I come?)
I haven't tried that particular medication myself. Maybe you could make a thread with the name in the title then all the users will see it and come to advise you of their experiences?
How are you feeling compared to yesterday?
jimbobrooney
17-12-13, 16:05
well i was feeling ok but i am experiencing a deep fear of dying, nothing to do with any particular disease so its not HA but fear of dying itself (leaving behind all my loved ones, not being able to enjoy this world anymore)
I believe in an afterlife with Heaven but having a tough time understanding how my wife would fit into that with me there , does that make sense ?
Do you believe your fiance who died is in an after life ?
It makes complete sense yes.
I believe that he is in heaven and happy. I also believe that my husband and hopefully myself will end up there too. I believe the spiritual being of a person, or the soul, is much different to the our earthly being and that while there will still be love, we become above things like possession and jealousy
Hey Jimbo,
I've related this experience before but I'll do it again.
When I had my first heart attack, I lost it in the ER. I was lying there and in some pretty intense pain and distress. All of a sudden I started getting tunnel vision and I knew I was losing it.
My life didn't flash before my eyes nor did thoughts of my loved ones. It was an "Oh Shit" moment. I was thinking "Oh shit...I'm losing it!". Next thing I remember was waking up with an oxygen mask on my face and wires and tubes everywhere. My heart had gone into AFIB and I went out. They used the paddles, hit me once and brought me back. On a lighter note, I recall driving to the hospital and I was really hurting. Like in the ER, I started getting tunnel vision. I felt I was losing it then (thank God I didn't) but again, my thoughts weren't of my family nor was my life passing before my eyes. I was thinking "Please let me make it to the hospital...I don't want to crash and hurt someone". Then it was "Man, I should have cleaned my place. It's a mess!" Then "I should have cleaned out my cache!" ~lol~
Like you, I believe there's a better place waiting for me. From that experience and having a subsequent heart attack and then fighting cancer, I have no fear of death. I just hope that when it happens, it's a really quick "Oh Shit!" moment. As far as our loved ones? They'll carry on and we'll be in a different place and won't be worrying about it as all the peace and knowledge of the Creator will comfort and love us :)
Positive thoughts
jimbobrooney
17-12-13, 16:36
It makes complete sense yes.
I believe that he is in heaven and happy. I also believe that my husband and hopefully myself will end up there too. I believe the spiritual being of a person, or the soul, is much different to the our earthly being and that while there will still be love, we become above things like possession and jealousy
Thats a nice way of putting it. I need to believe this and just have faith in something. I think these fears ease as people get older but its hitting me right now like a ton of bricks. Cant eat or sleep or anything, cant get interested in work because if life is so short then why bother ?? Thats the kind of negative spiral im in at the minute
I feel terror when i think of dying and not being able to hold my wife for a hug. Its kind of selfish really because its all about me, i dont worry about how others would feel after i am gone at all
---------- Post added at 16:36 ---------- Previous post was at 16:28 ----------
Hey Jimbo,
I've related this experience before but I'll do it again.
When I had my first heart attack, I lost it in the ER. I was lying there and in some pretty intense pain and distress. All of a sudden I started getting tunnel vision and I knew I was losing it.
My life didn't flash before my eyes nor did thoughts of my loved ones. It was an "Oh Shit" moment. I was thinking "Oh shit...I'm losing it!". Next thing I remember was waking up with an oxygen mask on my face and wires and tubes everywhere. My heart had gone into AFIB and I went out. They used the paddles, hit me once and brought me back. On a lighter note, I recall driving to the hospital and I was really hurting. Like in the ER, I started getting tunnel vision. I felt I was losing it then (thank God I didn't) but again, my thoughts weren't of my family nor was my life passing before my eyes. I was thinking "Please let me make it to the hospital...I don't want to crash and hurt someone". Then it was "Man, I should have cleaned my place. It's a mess!" Then "I should have cleaned out my cache!" ~lol~
Like you, I believe there's a better place waiting for me. From that experience and having a subsequent heart attack and then fighting cancer, I have no fear of death. I just hope that when it happens, it's a really quick "Oh Shit!" moment. As far as our loved ones? They'll carry on and we'll be in a different place and won't be worrying about it as all the peace and knowledge of the Creator will comfort and love us :)
Positive thoughts
Another good post fishmanpa.
I do think that people like yourself, people that have been through the mill dont fear death because of your experiences whereas people like me who are still young :-) and have so much that life has given them fear it more.
Dying from a heart attack is a better way to go in my opinion than cancer, its quicker and there is little or no fear involved as you dont have time. I just dread and couldnt deal with being told "you have 6 months to live" - that would send me into a depression spiral and prob be dead in 1 month.
living in fear of that is pathetic , i know that as the stats say we have about a 1-4 chance of dying from cancer (if not less) and my pop died at 61 from heart disease so its more likely to be that one.
Im just really stuggling to lift myself out at the moment. I am heading down a dark tunnel. Therapy wont really be available until after christmas, maybe i should take the meds
Do what you have to do Jimbo. Anything is better than sitting in limbo. Keep in mind, psychotropic meds take a while to kick in and for you to acclimate.
Positive thoughts
jimbobrooney
17-12-13, 16:55
You would never take them again though fishman ?
I have been reading stories of people coming off effexor , even at the low doses and it seems pretty rough
You would never take them again though fishman ?
I have been reading stories of people coming off effexor , even at the low doses and it seems pretty rough
If I was told I had no choice, I would take them. I was on Zoloft and like I said, it did help get me over the hump and slump I was in but the side effects were nasty and I don't want to take it again. I was on it for 6 months. The one on one therapy did much more in my opinion.
Understand that I don't suffer from anxiety or related issues. This was for some minor depression.
Positive thoughts
jimbobrooney
17-12-13, 18:35
I have decided that I'm going to take them after Christmas if things haven't improved .
I would like to have a few pints over Christmas abd leaflet says never take alcohol with the drug. I know alcohol is a depressant but I'd like to have a few
I have decided that I'm going to take them after Christmas if things haven't improved .
I would like to have a few pints over Christmas abd leaflet says never take alcohol with the drug. I know alcohol is a depressant but I'd like to have a few
That's something, if you look or do a search, you'll see here. Many are on meds and self medicate with alcohol. VERY bad idea! Once you start the meds it's no more pints ya hear! And as far as drinking? It's been my observation that drinking, even a little, is not beneficial in any way to someone suffering from anxiety issues. There are some threads that are simply mind boggling concerning self medication and alcohol.
Positive thoughts
Good decision Jimbob.
To be honest you seem so self aware and open to getting better that I can't see you being on them long term anyway
---------- Post added at 18:42 ---------- Previous post was at 18:40 ----------
That's something, if you look or do a search, you'll see here. Many are on meds and self medicate with alcohol. VERY bad idea! Once you start the meds it's no more pints ya hear! And as far as drinking? It's been my observation that drinking, even a little, is not beneficial in any way to someone suffering from anxiety issues. There are some threads that are simply mind boggling concerning self medication and alcohol.
Positive thoughts
Oh God yes, this!
I've stopped commenting on threads like that because.......well, wow.
I once had two glasses of wine while taking my simple beta blockers because I forgot and it was proper trippy so goodness knows what it's like to drink lots on mind altering meds.
jimbobrooney
17-12-13, 18:47
Thanks guys
I won't be over doing it or anything but I will be visiting family and friends and would a few bottles of beer . As I said if I'm still in trouble after Xmas then I will take the plunge
I can't be too bad if I'm putting if meds to have a few drinks :-)
Also if I have a few drinks and start falling then I will start the meds also
Really think the group therapy and just blurting all this stuff out would be great for me
I can't be too bad if I'm putting if meds to have a few drinks :-)
Now don't start on the rationalization treadmill. That's exactly what that statement is ;)
Positive thoughts
Even if the Americans can't spell rationalisation ;)
---------- Post added at 19:14 ---------- Previous post was at 19:13 ----------
Oh and just bear in mind that meds take a few weeks to work so if you do need them be patient for results.
Even if the Americans can't spell rationalisation ;)
---------- Post added at 19:14 ---------- Previous post was at 19:13 ----------
Oh and just bear in mind that meds take a few weeks to work so if you do need them be patient for results.
Ohhh Don't start Chris! Spell "color" for me.... ~lol~
Positive thoughts
jimbobrooney
18-12-13, 08:43
Just to provide an update.
As i said last night I am holding off on the meds. Last night i had some sweet potato for dinner and felt much better after. I was confused as this happened a few days ago also so i checked it out and apparently sweet potato helps the body create serotonin, maybe it was nothing im not sure
So went for a bath then and then started reading a book on mindfullness. Will post name of it later but its excellent. Did a little meditation and went to sleep. Got up this morning and was just about ok ish but on commute to work i forced myself to just put a permanent smile on my face and it made me feel better!!
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